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We're Bound To Be Afraid

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Come into these arms again
and lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
is beating like a drum
It beats for you it bleeds for you
it knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums
it is the song of songs

Once I had the rarest rose
that ever deemed to bloom
Cruel winter chilled the bud
and stole my flower too soon
Oh loneliness Oh hopelessness
to search the ends of time
For there is in all the world
no greater love than mine.

Love o love o .... still falls the rain
Love o love o .... still falls the night
Love o love o .... damned forever

Let me be the only one
to keep you from the cold
Now the floor of heaven is laid
the stars are bright as gold
They shine for you they shine for you
they burn for all to see
Come into these arms again
and set this spirit free


Love Song For A Vampire – Annie Lennox


May 2010

Adam was tired. The promotion tour was exhausting even for a vampire. He needed a break. Some time to catch his breath. Everything was crushing down on him; the good things but also the bad ones. Being a vampire didn’t protect you from getting hurt. Indeed, it made the hurt even worse.

On top of all that he was lonely. It was hopeless to find someone to share eternity with. He’d been on his own for so many years already. He met some people over time. Some of them were really interesting. But since he wasn’t human any longer he didn’t seem to feel love anymore either. The ability to love seemed to be gone.

He turned around to watch people prepare his performance for the Finnish X-Factor. He liked Finland. Somehow he felt safe and less lost here.

He smiled at Tommy while they started the sound check. Tommy has become a close friend over the last months. He was one of the few people who knew that Adam was a vampire. He didn’t plan to tell anyone else. But when they met, Tommy recognized him for what he was right away, because he knew some other vampires.

Adam didn’t have any connection to other vampires. He avoided them. He avoided humans too, but only out of fear to be discovered as a vampire.

After the show Adam felt the need to go out. The night was calling for him.

He stumbled through the dressing room while changing into some casual clothes. He felt Tommy’s eyes on him and gave him a sad smile. Tommy came closer.

“Do you need blood? You know you can feed from me. It’s safer than drinking blood from a stranger.”

Adam sighed and squeezed Tommy’s shoulder. “I don’t need to feed. I just need some time to sort my thoughts out. Don’t worry about me, Tommy. I’m a big bad vampire. I can take care for myself.”

Tommy grinned and nodded. “I’m not so sure about that. Just watch your back.”

Adam pulled him into a hug. “Thank you, Tommy.”

After that he walked out into the night.

The darkness fell around him when he started walking towards whatever was waiting out there for him. He walked on and on. He let his thoughts drift into the past, to a life that was gone forever.

He could still remember how it felt to be loved. He remembered his family, his friends and his lover.  He lost them all a long time ago. He lost them the night his maker found him dying after an attack. He gave him the kiss of death and promised him a life filled with excitement and happiness; a good life that would last forever.

But the price he paid was so much higher than what he’d expected. His family never got to see him again. They simply thought he’d disappeared. When he saw them dying over the years, a part of him wanted to keep them. He wanted to bring them over to the darkness that he was living in. But he couldn’t do that to them. There was nothing good in his life anymore, nothing besides music.

Jeremy soon found someone new. Obviously the love that he’d promised to be forever wasn’t the same forever that Adam wanted it to be. Jeremy broke his cold heart. He was the last person Adam loved; the last man that was supposed to be his. And now it seemed as if he was meant to stay alone.

Only forever was now literally forever.

He looked around. He didn’t know where he was. His inner animal had kept him running further and further away from the hotel they were staying in. After a while he found himself standing in front of a huge house in the middle of Helsinki and his animal wanted him to go into the house. He was too tired to stop it and soon he was standing on a balcony. The door was open and he could feel the calling whisper of his name flying around him in the wind.

“Adam, come to me!”

Again he felt that irresistible pull and he stumbled forward and stepped into the house.

The moment he stepped into the room, he felt at peace. It was such an odd feeling after all these years he almost fell to his knees in relief. Then he saw the big bed right in front of him and the pull became unbearable. The animal was right underneath his skin, pushing and pulling on him. Adam tried to calm it down, keep it in check. He breathed in and out a few times. Then he took a step towards the bed. And there was this voice again, calling out for him.


He couldn’t understand what was going on.

Who is calling for me?

He leaned over the figure lying on the bed. The man was sleeping. He could see the features in the moonlight. His face was so beautifully structured, he seemed almost unreal. Adam let his eyes wander over his cheeks and lips. They were slightly open and Adam felt a huge urge to bite on them. A hunger for something he lost all those years ago burned inside of him. He felt the animal pushing him towards the man and he could only barely hold back.

What was going on here? Why did I allow the animal to take me here? That is not me; I don’t break into people’s homes!

Still he couldn’t look away.

“Adam, you came to me.”

The whispered words were running around in his mind. He felt his fangs pushing to come out. Every part of his vampire being wanted that man. He couldn’t resist anymore, with his fingertips he stroked gently over one cheek.

The second he touched the skin, the animal inside howled out.

Make him ours! Claim him!

Adam jumped back and away from the bed. He needed to get away from the man. Just when he was about to get to the door the animal pushed a last time and cried out inside Adam:


He managed to overpower the animal and ran out to the balcony. He jumped down and ran as fast as he could. He needed to get away from that house and from the voice still calling for him. The vampire in him was restless and hurt. It howled the whole way to the hotel in despair, begging him to go back.

He didn’t.

~ ♥ ~

Sauli woke up with a start. He tried to catch his breath. Immediately he knew that he had been here. He could smell his scent and his body whined in yearning for him. He looked around, but he was alone. He jumped out of his bed and ran out on his balcony. He was gone; all Sauli could hear were footsteps running away from him.

He felt tears running down his face. Unspoken words tasted like poison on his tongue.

“Adam, come back. Please, come back to me!”

But the footsteps quieted down and finally there was just silent darkness left. Adam was gone.

Sauli was standing on the balcony for a while. He hoped Adam would come back. But he didn’t. He had been so close and now again so far away. There was so much distance between them. Sauli let tears take over while he stepped back into his bedroom. He took his phone and dialed the first person on his list.

“Sara, can you come over? I need you. He was here, but he didn’t stay. Why didn’t he stay? Why?”

Sauli let his tears fall down while he was waiting for his sister. Adam left him and there was nothing he could do to stop the pain.

~ ♥ ~

Adam stepped into the hotel lobby and saw Tommy sitting in a corner talking to a girl. When he saw Adam, he politely dismissed her and walked over to him. Adam knew that he must look like a crazy man and out of touch to Tommy. He was not able to catch his breath and the animal inside him was still crying in pain. It felt like it was trying to rip him open to get out, to be able to go back to that man.

Tommy didn’t say anything and just pushed him towards the elevator. As soon as they were inside, Adam broke down and let Tommy hug him. He couldn’t even say why he was crying, but he couldn’t stop either. Tommy held him the whole way up to their floor and then down the hall to Adam’s room.

Once inside they sat down on the floor and Adam cried until there were no more tears left. Tommy held him through it all and waited. Finally Adam calmed down enough to be able to talk.

“I think I found my mate tonight.”

Tommy pulled away and looked Adam in the eyes. “What?”

Adam sighed. “Every vampire has a mate, a person who is meant for him. We are meant to find that one person and to be with them. They complete us.”

Tommy looked at Adam with a puzzled expression on his face. “I know about that mate thing, but how and where?”

Adam closed his eyes and held his breath for a while. “I just found him tonight. I found my mate.”

Tommy was still confused. “But isn’t that a good thing? You always feel lonely?”

Adam let his head fall back against the wall. “This is not like falling in love, Tommy. I don’t have a choice. It is forced on me. I don’t have a say in this.”

Tears welled up in his eyes again and Tommy pulled him into another hug.

“I don’t know exactly how it works, but I know that I am not asked. It is not about love Tommy. And I don’t want that. I just don’t want that! Everything was forced on me since the night I died. I don’t want that. I can’t take it anymore.”

Tommy sighed. “You should talk about that with someone. As far as I know, your maker should have told you something about that. He should have helped you be able to embrace your life as a vampire.”

Adam snorted. “My maker? My fucking maker is an asshole. He hired some criminals to jump me, so he had an excuse to turn me. The real reason why I became a vampire was because my maker wanted to have someone to play with. He was gay and he couldn’t find another gay vampire. He told me how rare gay vampires are. When he met me and found out that I was gay, he wanted to have me. So he arranged this robbery and my death to get me. I found out what he did some years after he turned me. I left right after that and haven’t seen him again since. I’ve been alone since then, I don’t have anybody to ask anything.”

Adam sighed.

“All he showed me was how to feed and how to get blood from humans without killing them. I also learned how to make them forget, you know, the whole ‘how to manipulate their thoughts’ thing. So he gave me the vampire 101; nothing more. I had to find things out on my own. But there was never a need to find out how that mating thing works or how I can break it.”

Tommy looked at Adam for a few minutes and then started to go through his contacts. “I think it’s time for you to meet my friend Luther. He is a vampire and he might be able to help you since he is older than you. He is also living with his mate since, you know, forever.”

Adam looked at him and took Tommy’s hand before he could make the call. “I don’t know if it will help me. I’m a loner. I don’t think other vampires will give me a chance. My maker always told me to keep away from them. He said, they didn’t like gay vampires and might try to kill me.”

Tommy shook his head and pulled Adam into a tight hug. “Adam, this is not true! I should have taken you to Luther months ago. I’m sorry, that you feel that way. But you don’t have to fear anything. I promise.”

Adam pulled back to look at Tommy. Tommy’s heart was breaking when he could see all the fear in Adam’s eyes.

“Please Tommy; I need to leave Finland right now. I can still feel him calling for me. Please, I need to get away; I need to put distance between us. I need to go back to LA. I want to go home.”

Adam was sobbing again and Tommy squeezed his hand. “Okay, I will call Lane to make this possible. And I will call Luther when we are home. I really think it would be good for you to get to know him. Maybe he could fix what your maker should have done right in the first place.”

Adam nodded and sighed again. He was not sure he was ready to meet a vampire, but he trusted Tommy.

Everything would be better once he was home.

~ ♥ ~

“Sara, he didn’t stay. He left me.”

Sauli couldn’t stop repeating it over and over again. His sister was holding him tight and kept saying soothing words. After a while Sauli seemed to feel better.

“Thank you for coming over.”

Sara kissed his forehead. “Sauli, of course I came to see you and to help you.” She took his face in her hands. “I’m so sorry Sauli, so sorry.” She pulled him back into a hug. “Please tell me what happened?”

Sauli sniffed some more. “I was dreaming, at least I thought I was dreaming. But he was really here, here in my room. I could see him standing beside my bed. He was staring down at me. He was so beautiful, so beautiful. I tried to wake up to be able to really see him, but I couldn’t.”

 Sauli had a dreamy expression on his face. “His eyes are so blue, so grey, I can’t even say. But he seemed scared and confused. It was as if he didn’t want to be here.” Sauli sighed deeply again. “And then he touched my face…”

Sara pulled away to look at him. “He touched you?”

Sauli felt new tears filling his eyes. He nodded.

“You know what that means don’t you?”

Sauli sighed. He knew all too well. Adam didn’t accept the mate calling. If he didn’t claim him within one year, Sauli would die.

“He is still not that far away, is he? Maybe you should find him and talk to him?”

Sara stroked Sauli’s back. Sauli shook his head. “No, it’s too late for that. I feel it.”

Sara looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

He sighed and looked away from her towards the balcony. “He is leaving Helsinki right now. The connection is getting weaker. I’m losing him, Sara.”

A tear fell down his face again. “I’m losing my mate.”

~ ♥ ~

Adam was breathing much easier now that he was getting away from Helsinki, away from his mate. He could still feel him deep inside, but the pull was somehow weaker. He was in a private jet on his way to London; on his way back home. He didn’t even ask how Tommy managed to make this possible.

His animal was still howling sad and hurt inside of him. It seemed like it was moping and didn’t react to him. This was new. They didn’t get along sometimes, but mostly they were okay. But now the animal was quietly suffering.

Adam was hurting too.

He needed to find a way to break the pull, to get away from the mate calling. It was hurting him too much. It was like all the feelings he didn’t have since he was turned kept rushing into him. His mind was turning round and round and it hurt. He needed to find a way to stop it.

Adam closed his eyes and tried to find some sleep when he heard a weak voice speaking to him:

“Come back, please come back to me!”

His eyes flew open and he looked out of the window while the animal started to howl again. Soon, soon he would be far enough away to break the connection.

At least he hoped so.

~ ♥ ~

One week later Adam found himself in Tommy’s car on their way to Luther.

“Calm down, Adam. He’s cool.”

Adam smiled weakly at Tommy. “Thank you for doing this.”

Tommy squeezed Adams knee quickly. “Do you still feel him?”

Adam shrugged. “Not really. Not in the way I did in Finland. He is only an echo, a memory in my mind.”

Tommy looked up in confusion. “You sound sad about that.”

Adam sighed. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. My animal is missing him and is pissed at me. It’s hard to be in a good mood when you are called an “asshole” in your own mind, you know?”

Tommy chuckled.

Adam looked out of the window for the rest of the ride. He could feel the animal’s anger inside of him. It was pushing on him ever since they left Finland. It was worse than he let Tommy know. He was suffering.

It was like everything around him had feelings now. He had been numb to most feelings since he met his maker. Everything inside of him was dark, all light was gone. And he accepted it as a part of what he became. He thought that the darkness was a part of the animal inside him. But since he touched his mate he was feeling something waiting for him; something so different from what he felt during all those years as a vampire that is scared him.

He’d lied to Tommy about not feeling his mate. The connection became weaker when they got away from Helsinki. But the feelings got stronger, more desperate. And he couldn’t say if he was feeling his own desperation or if he was just mirroring the feelings of his mate.

He was so confused and lost, he felt like crying most of the time. It didn’t help at all that the animal was not really speaking to him anymore. He felt so disconnected and so much lonelier than usual. The animal had been his only companion for such a long time but he was really alone.

Adam was scared to meet Luther. He never had contact to other vampires beside his maker. He didn’t know what to expect. But he also was curious to get some answers.

Luther’s house was in the countryside. It was an old villa with a huge garden. Tommy stopped in front of the house. When they got out a woman ran over to Tommy with her arms wide open.

“Tommy! It’s so good to see you!”

Tommy grinned. “Hi grandma!”

Adam looked at the woman in confusion. She couldn’t be older than thirty-five. Tommy looked at him.

“I’ll tell you later. But meet my lovely grandmother, Isabella.”

Adam walked over to her and shook her hand. They walked towards the house when a tall man came out. He had broad shoulders and his whole being would have been really intimidating if his eyes didn’t shine so friendly.

“Tommy! It has been too long!”

They hugged for a while and when they pulled apart Tommy motioned for Adam to get closer.

“Adam this is Luther. He is my step-grandfather.”

Adam just gaped while Luther put his hand on Adam’s shoulder.

“Welcome, Adam. Tommy told me a lot about you, but I have the feeling, there is a lot more I need to know.”

His brown eyes were looking deep into Adam. The animal perked up interested and Adam could feel it smiling at the vampire in front of him.

“Let us get in!”

Luther got his arms around Adam and Tommy on each of his sides and walked them towards the house. Adam was confused about the fact that the animal actually tried to get closer to Luther with every step they were walking.

How is this even possible?

Once inside they were sitting at a table. Tommy and his grandmother were drinking coffee and chatting quietly among themselves.

“So, Adam, tell me something about your maker?”

Adam swallowed hard at the bitter memory.

“His name was Gilbert Mayer. He turned me after I was attacked and almost killed. Later I found out that he planned the attack to get me.” He stopped.

Luther looked at him. “Please go on.”

Adam told him all that Gilbert told him about being a vampire, especially about being a gay vampire and about the last years he was living on his own after he left Gilbert. He also told him about that night in Helsinki.

Luther was listening and watching Adam very closely. Adam thought he should be scared, but he wasn’t. The animal was curled inside of him and was purring while he was telling Luther his vampire life story. When Adam finished Luther leaned forward and took Adam’s hand.

“I’m sorry you had to go through such bad experiences. I will have to report Gilbert for this. He didn’t make it right and I guess he did it on purpose. You are unfinished.”

Adam looked up at Tommy, then back to Luther. “What?”

Luther squeezed his hand at his question. “You shouldn’t feel disconnected with the vampire inside of you. I can feel that you and he are two different beings. This is not how it should be. You should be one being; only then are you finished. It is the duty of a maker to ensure that you are connected with the vampire inside of you. Gilbert didn’t carry out his duty.”

Adam’s eyes got wide. “But why? What does this even mean? Am I a freak or something?”

Luther pulled him into a hug then and whispered in his ear. “You are not a freak, Adam. But you need someone to finish your turning process. As long as it's not finished, you won’t find happiness or peace for that matter.”

He pulled back and looked into Adam’s eyes. He saw so much fear in them but even more loneliness and heartbreak. It was hard to believe that Adam was still alive being unfinished like he had been for so long.

“You have a strong soul. It’s a miracle you survived this long. But it has to stop. I need to call the council to find out what we can do to help you.”

“The council?“ Now Adam’s confusion was complete.

Luther patted his back. “I see that I will have to tell you about a lot of things. I just need to call some people first. I would like you to stay here for one or two days. We will need time. Will you stay?”

Adam just nodded.

“Tommy, would you please take Adam to one of the guestrooms? I need some time and then we can continue our talk later.”

Luther left the room and Tommy pulled a bewildered Adam towards the hall. When they arrived in one of the guest rooms, Adam just flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Tears were forming in his eyes.

“Why did he do this to me? He promised me happiness and all I got was hurt and heartbreak.”

Tommy sat down on the bed beside Adam and squeezed his knee in comfort.

“I don’t know why he did that, Adam. I guess Luther will be able to tell you more soon.”

Adam got up on his elbows and wiped the tears away. “I hope so.”

He looked at Tommy. “Tell me about your grandmother? How come you didn’t tell me that she’s a vampire?”

Tommy smiled at that. “I didn’t tell you, because she is not a vampire.”

Adam was surprised about that. “But she looks so young.”

Tommy giggled a bit. “Dude, this is kind of weird that I have to tell you things about vampires; you should already know this stuff.”

Adam sighed and nodded.

“My grandmother was married to my grandfather before she married Luther. She was a young widow and was alone, living with my dad. When she met Luther they felt a pull towards each other and couldn’t stay away. You know, just like you felt the pull in Finland.”

Adam nodded.

“They bonded and she is his mate. She stayed human though. But through the bond she will stay young and will stay alive as long as Luther stays alive. That’s it.”

Adam let himself fall back on the bed. “I didn’t even know that a bond is possible between a vampire and a human. I always thought the mating thing was exclusive between two vampires.”

Tommy laid down beside Adam on his stomach. “The mating between vampires and humans isn’t that rare. But I guess you didn’t know about that. Is your mate a human or a vampire?”

Adam closed his eyes at the question. “I feel he’s a vampire.”

Tommy’s head shot up. “You feel him still?”

Adam blushed little. ”Sorry, I didn’t want to worry you. I can still feel him, yes. Not as strong as it was in Finland, but he is… inside me somehow.”

Tommy laid back down. “I already assumed that you didn’t tell me everything.”

Adam sighed and opened his eyes to look at Tommy. “Sorry, I’m just not used to someone being worried about me. I was alone for so long. It’s hard to let someone in again.”

Tommy nodded. “I can’t even imagine how you must feel now. I mean I’m a loner sometimes, but I’m never lonely.”

Adam looked back at the ceiling again. “Sometimes I just hoped someone would stake me. I felt so lost. Gilbert took everything I had away and made me believe that this was what a vampire’s life should be. Now I see that he lied to me about everything and it hurts. Even after I left him, I felt connected to him because of the fact that he turned me. But he treated me so badly, I don’t understand that.”

Tears were running down Adam's cheeks. Tommy pulled him closer and held him in his arms for a while.

~ ♥ ~

Sauli was staring out of his window. It was raining outside and he was watching the drops rolling down the glass panel. He woke up in the middle of the night with sadness inside of his heart, which almost choked him. He tried to calm down until he was awake enough to realize that it wasn’t his own pain he was feeling.

It was Adam’s.

He didn’t understand what was happening with Adam. But the pain he could feel was huge. He wished he could help him. He wanted to be there for him.

A light knocking startled him out of his thoughts and Sara walked in.

She smiled at him. “How are you doing?”

Sauli sighed and looked back at the rain drops. He could feel her coming closer. Then she was right beside him, visible like a shadow in the glass in front of him.

“Sauli, you need to do something.”

He knew that. He just didn’t want to have to do something. He didn’t want to report the mate calling that was not answered.

Sara forced him to look at her with a hand under his chin. “Sauli, the council needs to know that your mate calling failed. You know that.”

Sauli pulled away from her. He was annoyed and it was clear he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Sara, it’s not your decision to make.”

She became angry and hissed at him. “You can’t expect me to watch you being in misery and do nothing. This is not right and you know it!”

Of course he knew it, he knew it damn well. “Sara, I won’t report him, at least not yet. He is my mate. And even if he didn’t respond to the call, there is a connection between us. I can feel he is in pain.” He looked at her, tears welling up in his eyes. “He is hurting and I can’t do anything to help him. Can you even imagine what that’s like? It’s killing me!”

Sara sighed and pulled Sauli into her arms. He laid his head on her shoulder.

“Sara, I still have time. If I report him now, the council will hunt him down and force him to accept the calling. They wouldn’t allow him to refuse the mating call of a fucking vampire prince. He would be even more scared and confused. I don’t want that for him.”

Sara pulled away and wiped the remaining tears out of Sauli’s face. “I understand you, I really do.” She sighed and looked up at the ceiling to catch her breath. Then she looked back at him. “But I won’t let you die, Sauli. I will report him myself, if I have to.”

Sauli took her hand, a pleading tone in his voice. “Just give me some more time. Please?”

 Sara rolled her eyes at his pout. “Okay, I will wait, but not too long, not until it’s too late.”

Sauli smiled. “Thank you.”

They hugged again and stayed like that for a while, until Sauli could feel Adam calling out for him.

~ ♥ ~

Luther smiled when he entered the room where Adam and Tommy where lying on the bed. Tommy was holding Adam in his arms and they were talking quietly. Luther sat down on the bed and Adam looked up at him.

“Are you ready for some facts about vampires?”

Adam nodded. Tommy took his hand. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Adam shook his head. “No, stay.”

He looked up at Luther with curious eyes. “Is it okay for Tommy to stay?”

Luther smiled. “Of course.”

Adam leaned back against the headboard and Tommy moved with him. He was holding his hand.

“Is there anything you want to know first?”

Adam sighed. “I have the feeling that everything I learned about vampires is wrong. I have no idea where to start.”

He seemed nervous.

Luther smiled. “I think I know what to tell you first.”

Luther looked at Tommy and then back at Adam. “When was the last time you talked with your mother?”

Adam’s eyes immediately filled with tears. He chocked the answer out. “It was before I was turned.”

Tommy’s hold on his hand grew stronger. He looked up at Tommy and saw him smiling. A small hope was growing in his chest when he looked at Luther who just nodded.

“I can…see my mother?”

Luther’s smile was bright now. “Of course you can.”

Adam held his hand over his mouth and started to cry. Tommy pulled him into a hug again and Luther patted his arm.

“There is no reason to keep your new being away from your family. Of course they would have to keep the secret safe, but that works pretty well, mostly. And if not, we have our ways to make it work.”

Adam calmed down and wiped the last tears away. “I can’t believe it. He said I wasn’t allowed to share the secret. And now…” Adam’s voice broke. He took a deep breath. “My dad died last year. I was watching my family and I saw how broken they were after I disappeared. My mother is an old woman now. She has Alzheimer’s disease. I wonder if she even remembers having a son. But I want to see her.” He shook his head. “I just can’t believe how much he took away from me.”

Luther sighed. “I’m sorry for your loss. I wish we'd met earlier.”

Adam nodded. “Me, too.” He took another deep breath. “Please tell me more.”

And Luther did. Over the next two hours he filled Adam in on a lot of facts about vampires that he needed to know. He knew now that being gay wasn’t generally a problem. Vampires were as tolerant or intolerant as normal people were. There was no need to hide. Luther told him also about some practical things he didn’t know. It was like his world was changing in those few hours; as if he could hope to have a happy life again. 

“I talked with two members of the council earlier. They will be here tomorrow and we will talk about what we can do for you.”

Adam looked hopeful at that. “I guess my animal is upset and angry with me. We didn’t have a real talk since I came back from Helsinki.” Adam could feel a light groan inside him.

“You call your vampire soul the animal?” Luther actually chuckled at that.

Adam smiled. “Yeah it reminds me of something wild, but also caring at times. I don’t know, maybe like a big cat or a lion?”

Luther nodded. “Yeah, a lion it is.”

He looked with concern at Adam’s face. “You need to know a lot more about the mating. I want to tell you some more, then we'll take a break until tomorrow.”

Adam sighed. “I know, it’s a lot to take in such a short time, but there is no getting around it. The council will talk with you about it too and I just want you to be prepared. I want you to see it in a better light than you do now.”

Adam nodded, clearly not happy about the upcoming meeting. He was tired and hoped Luther wouldn’t take long. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep.

“The mating-call is nothing bad, Adam. It’s Mother Nature’s way to show us the one right person. She points them out for us and makes sure we find them.”

Adam was annoyed. “Luther, I just don’t want someone or something to rule my life. I let Gilbert take away so much from me, I can’t give up control over my life again. I just can’t.”

Luther sighed and moved closer to Adam. He took his hand and looked into Adam’s eyes. “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. But you need to understand, that this is nothing bad. In fact it’s really good. You will be loved again and you will love.”

Adam snorted at that. “How can I love someone who is forced on me? Shouldn’t love be chosen freely?”

Luther’s smile was sad. “The mating-call is nothing logical. It’s hard to explain how it works. It makes us strong and weak at the same time. It goes so much deeper than any connection you could have in your life. It’s pure.”

Adam shook his head. “I don’t see it that way. It just scares me.”

Luther let go of Adam’s hand and padded his arm. “Maybe you should try to talk to your mate? Find out what he is like?”

Adam shook his head. “I can’t do that. I have a tour ahead and he is in Finland. I don’t even have his name or anything else for that matter.”

Luther chuckled at that. “But you can contact him anytime you want.”

Adam looked up in surprise. “How?”

Luther smiled. “Telepathy.”

Adam looked at him with wide eyes. “Show me!”

An hour later Adam was laying alone in bed. He was exhausted. All the things Luther told him seemed almost too good to be true. He was not sure he wanted to try to contact his mate. He was afraid that his animal would fall for the man even more. But he was curious too. He wanted to know if that telepathy thing actually worked the way Luther had explained it to him. It just seemed too easy.

He decided to try it the next day and closed his eyes, trying to force himself to fall asleep. But after he was still awake half an hour later he changed his mind. He would try it now. The animal perked up at this and for the first time since Helsinki there was a slight understanding between them, a fragile connection. Adam sighed and tried to concentrate on his mate. It was easy to remember the man. His face was in front of his inner eye the second he closed his eyes.

He is beautiful, so perfect.

He focused on the face and in his mind he let his fingertips dance over the cheeks. He knew immediately when the man – his mate – could feel him. It was like someone was inside of him, inside his mind and his heart. It was different from feeling the animal. It was more… pure.


A whisper was running through his body. He was so frightened, he almost dropped the connection. He had to take several deep breaths before he could answer. “Yes, it’s me.”

There was a smile in his mind and a warm voice continued, “I’m so glad you decided to let me in. I’ve been trying a few times since you left me. But I didn’t want to pressure you.”

There was sadness in the voice that was pulling on his heart.

“I couldn’t stay. I didn’t understand. I was… I am scared. So scared.” Adam could feel tears forming in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could hug you now. I miss you so much.”

Adam chuckled. “But how can you miss me? You don’t know me.”

The smile his mate gave him was burning inside of him. “I know enough about you. You are the one for me, a missing puzzle piece.”

Adam snorted. “I don’t know if I really believe in that.” He could feel sadness coming from his mate.

“It is all so new for me. I just have no idea how to handle it.” Tears of frustration and fear were burning in his eyes again. It was too much. “I don’t think it was a good idea to contact you.” He could feel desperation on the other side.

No, don’t say that! Please I need you, please.”

Adam sighed, the animal inside of him was groaning in warning. “I can’t do this. I am not what you want me to be. I don’t want that.” Adam was about to turn away.

Don’t just leave, Adam, please!

The plea in his mate’s voice was touching and pulling at something deep inside of him. It was like his soul was forcing him to keep the connection open.

“What do you need me to do, mate?” Adam forced the words out, even if all he wanted to do was to just quit the conversation and hide under his covers.

It’s Sauli, actually.

A small smile made Adam’s stomach flutter. “What is a Sowli?”

The giggle his mate let out made him weak inside. “It’s Sauli and it’s my name. I thought you might want to know?

Adam closed his eyes. “Sauli.” The name rolled around in his mouth and was sinking deep into his mind, deep into his soul, just where it belonged. It felt right.

Yes, this is how you pronounce it.

Adam could hear happiness in Sauli’s voice. He liked that, he wanted to make him happy. It was like the need to breathe. It felt natural to feel like that. But it also scared him. He felt so out of control about Sauli. Like everything was happening without him being asked if he wanted it to happen. But before the fear could paralyze him, he could feel the animal inside him purr. His mate’s name was ringing inside of him like a melody of a long lost song, beautiful and strong. Endless.

“What are you doing to me, Sauli?” Adam whispered.

This is the bond. I feel it too. I was waiting for you to come to me for so long, Adam.” Sauli whispered back.

“But how did you know me? How did you know my name? Why aren’t you scared?” Adam’s whispers were quieting down.

I dreamed about you. I never knew how you looked, but I dreamed your soul, how you would make me feel. I dreamed how much I would love you, how much you’d love me. I dreamed your name inside my heart.”

A tear rolled down Adam’s cheek. “I wish I could feel the same. I wish I could give you what you dreamed about.”

Adam could feel tears running down Sauli’s face. It hurt him in a way he didn’t understand.

Just promise me, to give us some time and to talk to me. I just want a chance, Adam.

Adam could do that, Sauli deserved it. “I will try.” Adam closed his eyes against the sting of tears burning in them.

Thank you.

Why did it hurt so much to hear the sadness in Sauli’s voice? Why was it that hard? When he opened his eyes, he let the tears slip out to run down his face.

“I’m sorry, Sauli.”

Then he turned away and cut the connection.


Sauli fell on his knees, tears running down his face. Sara hugged him tight.

“Sauli, I won’t let him do this to you. I will report him!”

Sauli wiped the tears away and shook his head. “No, Sara, no!”

She took his hands in hers and stroked them. “Sauli, you are hurting, this was not meant to be. I don’t want to watch you suffer.”

Sauli pulled his hands out of her hold and took her face into his palms. “Sara, you need to listen to me. I know it’s hard for you to see me like this. But I need to give him a chance. I need him. And I have hope in him. He decided to try to contact me. Don’t forget: he is feeling the bond too. He just doesn’t understand it.”

Sara huffed. “What does that mean? He is a vampire; he must know how this works.”

She was angry and Sauli needed her to calm down. He was afraid she would call the council and then things would get worse.

“Sara, trust me. I know him and I need to give him time. There is something wrong with him; I just don’t know what it is and what I can do to make him understand. But something inside of him is seeing me and wants me. He is just scared.”

Sara rolled her eyes. “Sauli, there is nothing he should be scared of. You are mates; he is supposed to feel the truth of that.”

Sauli looked her in the eyes. “Sara, I know all that. But he is different. I don’t know why he doesn’t feel good about our bond. But I won’t give up on him, not yet.”

Sara sighed and nodded. “Okay, I will wait. I give you six weeks. When things don’t change, I’ll report him.”

Sauli smiled in relief. “Give me eight and I will report him myself when things don’t work out the way I hope they will.”

She nodded. “When will you tell our parents?”

Sauli groaned. “I don’t know yet.”

“What about now?” Their mother’s voice echoed through the room towards Sauli. He closed his eyes in frustration. He sighed and turned around to look at his mother. She was walking towards him, worry clouded her eyes.

“What is going on, Sauli?”

Sauli shrugged. “Nothing, mother.”

She raised her hand. “Don’t give me that! I know you and I see something is not right.”

Sauli turned back to Sara in search of help, but she just shook her head. Sauli sighed again before he looked at his mother.

“I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we just leave it for now and I promise to tell you everything soon?” The look on his mother’s face told him that this was not going to happen.

“You should sit down then, mother.” Her look was a mix of confusion and worry and it was cutting him deeply to see her like that. They sat down on the couch, Sara on the other side of their mother. Sauli took her hand in his.

“Sauli, what is it? You are scaring me.”

Sauli took a deep breath before he looked into her eyes. “My mate found me.”

His mother’s eyes went wide in confusion. “But this is great Sauli!”

Sauli sighed. “It is, but at the same time it isn’t.”

She looked between Sauli and Sara, worry clear in her face. “What’s wrong, Sauli?”

 Sauli couldn’t speak, he just shook his head.


Their mother’s voice was now angry and demanding. It was no more their mother speaking; it was Queen Virpi, one of the most powerful vampires in Finland.

Sara lowered her eyes. “His mate didn’t accept the mating call.”

Sauli jumped up. “Sara! This is not your business!”

Sara kept her look lowered and just sighed. Queen Virpi looked at Sauli while she got up. Her gaze kept him under a spell and he shivered.

“Sauli, what does that mean?”

He was not able to look away and he knew when he opened his mouth he wouldn’t be able to lie to her. He cursed inside. She kept her eyes on him.

“He ran away that night but I want to wait for him.”

She moved closer and something cold flickered behind her eyes. “You want to wait? Sauli, you are a prince! And what do you mean, he ran away?”

Sauli pulled away from her spell. “He was in my bedroom last week. But he didn’t stay. He was scared. Mother, I won’t give up on him!”

He didn’t dare look at her. But she forced him to look into her face when she took his chin in her hands. “You will report this immediately, Sauli. I won’t tolerate behavior like that!”

Sauli winced at her tone. He felt hurt that she didn’t respond as his mother but only as the queen. His eyes started to tear. “Mom, please…”

Her mask broke down and she pulled him into her arms. “My poor baby! I wish I could help you with that. But you can’t forget that you are a prince. You know what will happen if your mate stays away from you, don’t you? I can’t wait for that to happen and I won’t.” Her voice was soft.

He pulled away and looked at her. “Mom, I need some time. Reporting him will only make things more difficult. It will push him further away from me. I know he’ll come around. I am sure of it!”

His mother looked at him for a few minutes. “Okay, I will wait. Your father is on a journey until the end of summer. We will wait until he comes back, but not a second longer. I don’t want to risk your life.”

Sauli nodded with relief. That should be enough time to get Adam to come back to him.

~ ♥ ~

Adam woke up to the smell of coffee and a smiling Tommy sitting on his bed.


Adam groaned. He was tired. He sat up and for the first time in ages he was craving coffee. The smell was delicious and it was touching all his senses.

Tommy chuckled. “Will you drink some or just sniff it?”

Adam looked up at Tommy, curiosity written all over his face.

“You know that you can drink coffee too, don’t you?”

Adam’s huffed. “This is yet again new information for me.”

Tommy sighed. “Oh man, I’m glad I brought you here.” He handed the mug over to Adam and smiled when Adam closed his eyes before he took a sip.

“Hmmmm… this is so wonderful, so good!”

Tommy ruffled through Adam’s hair. “Are you ready to visit your mom?”

Adam looked up. “Now?”

Tommy nodded. “If you want, we can go now and be back for lunch, when the council members are scheduled to arrive.”

Adam drank some more coffee and got up to get ready.

I will see my mother today…

Adam was nervous when they stepped into the residence where his mom was living now. The receptionist looked at him in wonder. He told her he was a relative of Leila Lambert. She obviously knew him. He walked outside and saw his mother sitting in a chair beside the pool. He had to blink away some tears. He hadn’t seen her in years. She was still beautiful, despite the gray hair.

He walked over to her. Until that moment he didn’t really know what to say to her. But then she turned to him and smiled.

“Adam, there you are! How was school, dear?”

She remembered him! He didn’t care that she thought he was a school boy. He hugged her and told her about his school day. They were talking and laughing for a while. Adam was happy. After a while he looked up towards the house and saw Tommy smiling at him. He mouthed “Thank you” and turned back to his mother.

They drove back to Luther’s a few hours later. Adam was relaxed, until he remembered that he would meet the members of the council today. He got nervous. What would they expect from him?

When they arrived at Luther’s, they saw a big black limousine in the driveway. They stepped out of the car and walked into the villa.

There were voices and lauging coming from the living room. Adam relaxed at that. If they were laughing, maybe things wouldn’t be that bad? He stepped into the living room and saw two people he didn’t know yet. The man was tall and dark skinned with a beautiful face structures. He looked exotic. Beside him was a small woman with dark, long hair and a beautiful face. They looked over at Adam and both got up to greet him.

The man was the first to speak: “Hello, Adam. I’m Sutan, this is Alisan. We are here to speak for the council. Welcome, brother.”

Sutan hugged Adam tightly and when he pulled away, Alisan did the same. Adam could feel tears prickling in his eyes. Sutan motioned for them to sit down. He kept his eyes on Adam.

“Luther told us some facts about you. We are really sorry about what happened to you. I wished we could have helped you earlier. It won’t be easy to repair what was done wrong with you. It doesn’t happen often that a maker acts like Gilbert has done with you. In fact, I haven’t seen a vampire like you in my whole life, neither has Alisan. We had to do some research before we came here.”

Sutan cleared his throat and turned towards Alisan. “Adam, it won’t be easy, to make you whole. It seems like there is just one option to fix you.” She took a deep breath and looked quickly over to Sutan. When he nodded, she let the breath out and continued. “It seems that only your true mate will be able to fix you.” She sighed. “I can’t tell you, how much time you have to find your mate. We don’t even know if it might be too late for that already. There is no such case as yours in the history of vampires in the States. You are special, Adam.”

He snorted at that. He didn’t feel special at all.

“Does that mean that my only chance to be a fulfilled vampire is the mating?”

When Alisan and Sutan nodded in answer, he closed his eyes and cursed silently.

Great, now it seems like there is one more reason for me to mate with Sauli.

He felt sick. All the control he finally hoped to have over his life and over the decisions he was making, began to slip away completely.

“Are you sure about that?” He just had to ask.

Sutan sighed. “Adam, this is all we know and all we can try to do to save you. As I already mentioned, there are not many cases of unfulfilled vampires in our society. It’s a crime to create a vampire unable to exist. Usually, the vampires who are not complete die a short time after they are turned. It’s a miracle you are still alive.”

Adam leaned his head against the back of the couch. “What if I tell you, that I already found my mate?”

Sutan looked up at him, a smile grazing his features. “You did? This is great, Adam!”

Adam huffed. “If you say so. I don’t see anything great about that. I didn’t want this mating and now it seems like I have to mate Sauli because he is the only one who could save me? This is just one more thing that’s forced on me.” He could barely hold his anger in.

Sutan’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, you are very negative about the mating-call. Why is this so? And where is Sowli?”

Adam sighed in defeat. “His name is Sauli. He is in Finland.”

Sutan’s eyes grew big. “Finland?”

Adam nodded. “Yeah, I found him while I was there on my promo tour. You might know that I’m a pop singer?” Sutan nodded again. “I was there, found him and then I left.”

Sutan looked carefully at him. “So it seems that the mating didn’t work out as we thought it would. I mean you are not whole. We have to search for another alternative to heal the damage that was done to you then.”

 Adam shook his head. “There was no mating. I just told you that I left.”

Sutan got up and started to pace. “You left your mate, after you found him?”

Adam nodded. Sutan got closer and grabbed Adam’s shoulders to pull him up. He looked into his eyes, searching for something in them.

“This is not good, Adam. In fact this is a huge problem.” He let go of him and was now pacing. Alisan was fiddling with her cell phone. Both seemed very nervous and angry.

“What is the matter?” Adam was confused.

“Adam, you can’t just refuse a mating call. If you do, there are consequences you have to face. This could become a big problem for us.” Sutan scratched his neck. “Look, Sauli could report you to his council. They would contact us and we would have to do something about it.”

Adam swallowed and asked quietly. “What would you have to do?”

Sutan sighed. “We would have to intervene, maybe even to force you to accept the mating call.”

“What?” Adam let his face drop into his hands. “Does that mean, no matter what I want, I have to be accept him?”

Sutan shrugged. “I don’t know of a way to break the spell. I will talk to Lord McKenzie. He is our Eldest. He might know something. But it looks like there is no way out.”

Adam sighed into his hands. “I hate that!”

Sutan patted his back. “Adam, finding your mate is nothing bad at all.”

Adam looked up at him. “Did you find your mate?”

Sutan shook his head. “No, I’m still looking for mine.”

Adam snorted and got up. “Then you can’t understand how I feel.” He walked towards the door and turned around. “Sorry, but I need some time on my own. Thank you for telling me though.”

He walked out of the house towards the forest. The evening twilight was usually calming to him, but not tonight. He felt betrayed. He’d lost all control of his life again. Where was the happiness? Where was the good life he was supposed to have as a vampire?

Gilbert should have let him die that night! Angry tears were pushing into his eyes. He wiped them angrily away and looked around. In front of him was a pond. He sat down by the water and leaned back against a tree. Out of nowhere the need to talk to Sauli was overwhelming him and before he gave it another thought, he was already reaching out for his mate.

Sauli answered immediately. “Adam!”

Despite all his intentions Sauli’s voice calmed him and made him … happy.

“Hi, Sauli.”

For a few moments there was only silence and quiet breathing. Adam closed his eyes and let himself enjoy how close he felt to Sauli. Just for a second he wanted to pretend it was a good thing that he had Sauli in his life. He shook the thought out of his head.

Did something happen?” Sauli’s voice sounded worried.

Adam smiled. “No, I just…” needed to hear your voice. “I don’t really know why I contacted you now. It was just… it felt right.”

He could feel the smile Sauli must have on his face, it was brightening his mind.

Maybe this is not that bad at all…

“It’s been a bad day.”

Sauli hummed. “Tell me about it.

Adam rubbed his eyes. “I have some things to sort out, but every new detail I find out makes it just worse, instead of better. I keep running into walls and no matter where I turn there is just another wall. It’s like I have no options to stop the changes in my life.”

“What kind of changes?” Sauli sounded really interested and worried.

“I can’t tell you, Sauli. It’s complicated.”

“Try me!”

Adam sighed. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

Sauli’s voice sounded disappointed. “I get it, but I wish you’d let me help you, somehow.

That brought new tears to Adam’s eyes.

I wish that too.

 “Sorry, Sauli, I have to go.”

Sauli’s voice sounded sad as they said goodbye and Adam turned away.

As soon as Sauli was gone, the calming feeling left Adam too.