So I heard, you found somebody else.
You were staring at them, trying to hold the tears that threatened to spill from your tired eyes, dry from the sleepless nights you had endured, dealing with life.
Ending it all with Bucky, was probably the worst thing you had ever done, but to Bucky, it seemed like it was an easy task forgetting you.
You didn't hear Steve's advice, neither did you listen to Tony’s or any of your friends’ advice, when they told it was better if you didn’t come to this party.
Of course Tony invited you anyway because you were one of his best friends, but he knew what was best for you, and coming to this party right now, wasn’t the best thing to do, with you in this state of mind.
- TWO MONTHS AGO –
You were trying, you really were.
But you just couldn't stand it.
You couldn’t stand the pain you were feeling, and Bucky wasn’t there to help you.
He was gone in a long term mission with Natasha a couple of days ago, and would only be back in 2 weeks.
You were an Ex-HYDRA Assassin just like him, and when Natasha released all of the HYDRA files a few years ago, your life was at risk.
The files contained everything about your life, your name, the name of your brother who was a mutant thanks to HYDRA as well.
The victims of yourself and your brother were enraged, some even threatened you to death, and it haunted you.
You didn’t have a choice when you were killing them, but you still understood everything that they felt towards you.
But you didn’t think this would happen.
You didn’t think they would actually kill your brother.
The only family you had left.
Your support, your best friend.
You were devastated when you received the phone call.
The only thing that could be heard in your room, was your sobbing, but inside your head, you could hear the voices that always came back.
They told you to seek vengeance for your dear brother’s death, to slaughter the murderer who committed the hateful crime towards you.
And you did it.
You didn’t have Bucky by your side to stop you from doing such nonsense.
And the fact that Bucky was with Natasha, made you slightly worse.
Bucky had told you about their affair back when he was in HYDRA, and he always tried to reassure you that he only loved you, and you mostly believed it.
But when you were in a sad mood, everything turned against you, your self-esteem got low, and you doubted if Bucky chose you because he felt pity.
Your hands were dripping with blood, your face was blank, as you stared at the lifeless body underneath you.
This man had killed your brother, and as you observed his pale face, you tried to remember who he was, and whom had you killed close to him.
You couldn’t figure it out, so you just went to the Avengers tower back, since it was about 2 am, no one was on the streets, no one for you to care about.
As you reached the tower, you went straight to the elevator, but you were surprised when Tony entered it, with dark circles under his eyes, exhaustion clear in his face.
He greeted you normally, until he realised your wide eyes and blood stained clothing and hands.
"Y/n! What happened?" You simply looked at him with a cold stare and answered.
"I made a mistake. I killed someone."
Just as he was going to say something, the elevator warned it had arrived at the floor where both the kitchen and the rooms were found, Tony dragged you immediately to the kitchen, instructing you to wash your hands and drink some water, even though you felt nothing at all.
You explained to him everything, but you didn’t cry, you held back.
He told you to take a bath while he prepared your bed. He insisted on sleeping on your room tonight, so you wouldn't have a nightmare.
After all, he was your best friend, after your brother.
As you were laying in the bathtub, with crimson twirls in the water around you, you overheard Tony on the phone, with who you deduced was Bucky.
"She had a breakdown, sh-she, killed the asshole who murdered Robert."
"Yes, Robert was killed, didn’t she call you?"
"What do you mean, you were busy? When your girlfriend calls you in the middle of a mission it’s not for nothing!”
“I'm not gonna fight you, but you need to come back earlier, leave Nat there, she can handle herself.”
“What?! What the fuck Bucky? You should be here for her! I already asked for Steve's permission for you to come back!”
He did? He must've texted him, because you didn't hear him calling Steve.
“You're an asshole, you know that? Good mission to you, and know that when you come back, I'm not letting Y/n anywhere near you, she needs your help and you fucking ignore it, because you wanna be alone with Romanoff. Go fuck yourself.” You heard Tony sigh in exasperation, and started to wash yourself, wondering what he meant by saying Bucky wanted to be alone with Nat, but discarded those thoughts.
You put your pyjamas on, and got out of the bathroom, meeting Tony, who had a small smile on his face.
“Come here kiddo.” He opened his arms and a flashback appeared in your head, from when Robert used to call you kiddo. Your walls and your cold facette broke down as your eyes teared up and you embraced Tony, crying on his shoulder.
“Everything’s gonna be fine, your handsome, rich and genius friend is here for you, ‘kay?” You would normally laugh at his egocentric naming, but you were just too sad to laugh, and you continued to cry for a good 5 minutes.
“I had an idea, how ‘bout we watch some Monty Python to cheer ya’ up? We can rob the kitchen and get some ice cream so we can choke our asses off on it, sounds good?” He broke the hug but his hands stood firm on your shoulders as he tried to find an alternative for your thoughts.
You nodded quietly and he smiled, patting your right shoulder.
“That's my girl.”
- ONE MONTH AND TWO WEEKS AGO –
Today was the day Bucky arrived, you were scared, you were going to leave him today as well, and you were starting to doubt whether it was the right decision or not.
You loved Bucky, you really did, but you needed to take sometime alone, because Bucky had his nightmares and panic attacks, and you always helped him, but at this state you were right now, depressed and extremely anxious, you wouldn't be able to help him at all, you would only make things worse.
It wad the best for you both.
You were sitting in your shared bed, reading a compilation of Fernando Pessoa poetry, as you heard footsteps approach the room.
Footsteps turned to laughter, which you had recognised as Bucky and Natasha’s laughter, and laughter turned into a full conversation that you eavesdropped on accident.
“God, this mission was just like back in the old days.”
“Agree, I miss it.”
“The old days, apart from the brainwashing and stuff.”
“Yeah, me too Зимний Солдат.”
You didn't know if it was your brain that made the conversation up, but it seemed real.
The handle rotated as the door opened, revealing Bucky with his black uniform and tired face.
“Dragă! Ce mai faci? Mi-ai lipsit atât de mult!” He said, knowing you loved when he spoke in Romanian, but your head was filled with worries, afraid Bucky would lose his temper when you broke up with him, but technically, it wasn't breaking up, or was it?
“Hey Buck, how was your mission?” You looked up from the small book in your hands, closing it and placing it on the bedside table.
“Doesn't matter, are you okay? I heard about, erm, Robert..” He sat next to you in the bed, with a sympathetic expression on his face.
“Yeah, about that...” You said awkwardly, getting up from the bed, leaving Bucky confused. You sighed and your hands slid down getting in your jeans’ pockets.
“I....I think it's better if we take a break, you did nothing wrong, it's just.....I'm not stable, and I need to face this alone.. It has come to a point where I am afraid to hurt you, I really am..” Tears filled your eyes, as you questioned even harder if you should do this, Bucky could help you, but you could hurt him as well, it was better if you took your distance.
“What?! Y/n are you nuts?!” He exclaimed, getting up quickly.
“It's better for the both of us Bucky.... I don't want to hurt you.” You said calmly, hoping he wasn't getting angry, but you saw the way his jaw clenched, the way he breathed heavily, you were regretting this.
“This is unfair! Just because I didn't come earlier you are doing this? Because it seemed like you were fine with Tony here and without me!” He yelled, and your face contorted into a confused expression, how could he say something like that? This made feel worse.
“How is this unfair? I never said anything about you coming earlier! And what do you mean I was fine with Tony?” You half-yelled, trying to hold back.
“You don't need me, you have Tony! Don't you think I would notice?”
“What?! Bucky, you're going insane, Tony is my best friend, he cheered me up when I was down! Nothing else! And being on this subject, what about you and Natasha?”
“There is nothing between me and Natasha!”
“And there's nothing between me and Tony! How is that any different?”
“Because you are desperate! When I leave for missions, you go to all of the other guys seeking comfort!” This was it. You took all of your force and slapped Bucky hard across his face. It hurt you to do this, but what he said hurt more than the slap, it felt like your heart had been ripped apart.
“Don't you ever talk to me like that.” You said coldly, as you grabbed your book and got out of the room. You couldn't believe what happened.
Had things gone so badly with you that it resorted to that?
You were now crying freely, running down the corridor to Wanda’s room. When you got there, you knocked and she opened immediately. When she saw your bloodshot eyes, she instantly wrapped you in a hug, pulling you to her room and closing the door.
You didn't have to tell her what happened, as she read your mind, filling all of her questions silently, and you just broke down.
You obviously couldn't stay in Bucky’s room, so you slept in Wanda’s room, taking comfort in the couch.
Life just got shittier.
- PRESENT DAY -
And at first, I thought, it was a lie.
You had heard the rumours, and you first thought they were fake, I mean, Bucky wouldn't forget you that easily would he? You guessed it wrong.
I took all my things, that make sounds
The rest I can do without.
You had to ask Tony’s help so you could gather all of your stuff, your clothing and basic things. The things that reminded you of Bucky, you left it in his room.
It took a lot of you to go to his room, and see the place where you shared your sweetest moments.
It all came back to you: the kisses, the “I love you’s” shared between you two, the nights he would have nightmares and you would calm him, the nights you spent making love to him. Everything went through your mind all at once, and you couldn't cry.
I don't want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You're intertwining your soul with somebody else.
You thought about going back to him, sleeping next to him, just one last time, but you knew if you came back, it wasn't going to be only one time, and by what you were seeing, he wasn't even going to accept you back.
I'm looking through you while you're looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don't want your body
But I'm picturing your body with somebody else.
You took another swig of the beer you were holding, the taste not even bitter anymore, as you eyed Bucky and Natasha dance together, holding each other.
Your mind wandered, and you started imagining Bucky doing all of the things he said he would only do to you, to her.
You saw them rolling around the sheets you once slept in, you saw them saying “I love you”, you saw him speaking to her sweet nothings in Romanian.
It came back in waves, and you couldn't handle it.
So you left the party.
You got up, finishing your drink, and headed to the elevator.
Meanwhile, Wanda must have noticed something was wrong, because she kept a close eye on you, afraid of what you might do.
The elevator doors opened and you entered, expressionless, eyeing the couple.
You pressed the button which led to the last floor, and waited patiently, the background music filling your thoughts.
When you got to the desired floor, you got out and went to the ledge of the Avengers tower, eyeing the horizon, admiring the moon that painted the sky.
“I know you're not listening to me but, hey Rob. Life’s been real shitty since you left.” You said to nothing, the wind taking your words away, and the city sounds making you talk a bit louder.
“I miss you, I really miss you, god, I wish I had you here right now, so you could punch Bucky’s face.”
You affirmed, trying to be cheerful, but only sadness filled your body and mind.
“I hate to do this, but, this is the only way can be together, and.... I can't take this anymore.”
- IN THE PARTY -
Wanda feared what you were doing, she knew you were heading for the last floor, but first she needed to do one thing.
She faced the empty beer bottle next to where you were previously sited, and dragged it with all of her force, hitting it hard om Bucky’s head. He grimaced and tried to figure out what happened, and Natasha just looked over to Wanda, who just smirked and walked over to elevator, going as fast as she could.
The elevator finally arrived and she got in quickly and pressed the button to the last floor at least three times, afraid it was too late.
Once she got there, she saw you talking to the wind, and saying you couldn't do this anymore, making Wanda’s eyes widen.
Her hands shot forward and the red swirls circled them, and she shot it to you, the red magic surrounding you, enabling from moving.
Wanda ran to you and held you tight, pulling you far away from the ledge.
“Silly girl, you are not alone, never, so don't do it Y/n, please.” She said calmly, knowing how it was like to lose a brother, the only person she had, and knowing the pain of feeling like no one cared, and that the world was against you.
You nodded eyes filled with tears, and buried your head on her shoulder.
You lost Robert.
You lost Bucky.
But you weren't alone.
You had Wanda and Tony.
And that was enough.