Work Header

Who the FUCK Thought This Was a Good Idea?! Oh, Yeah. Nick Spencer

Work Text:

Steve wakes up one day. "Oh yeah I have apparently been a Nazi this whole fucking time even though I a) was created by literal Jewish men who had me stand against fucking Hitler when it was really fucking unpopular to do so and also b) I have destroyed, like, SO MANY HYDRA bases and killed and/or incarcerated so many important figures in HYDRA!!! This fucking makes sense!!!"

Bucky stirs beside him. "I still think it's fucking great how they can't confirm we're dating and that you are queer but they can make you a fucking Nazi!"

Steve grinns. "Yeah! Isn't it great! It's such a plot twist!"

"It makes as much sense as Bruce Wayne shooting his own parents!!!! Like Peter Parker killing Uncle Ben!!!!" Bucky exclaims.

"Gosh, Buck!" Steve nods. "Those all make SO MUCH SENSE. I'd say I love you but Nazis hated The Gays™, and also, like you said, I am a FUCKING NAZI before I am queer!!!!!!!!"

It's just about then Christopher Robert Evans, dressed in full original Cap costume (Even the fucking pirate boots), smashes through the fucking window. "FUCK THIS!" He says, punching Steve right in the face. As he flies back out, one may hear him scream: "SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!"

Nick Spencer pouts from the corner. "It's an interesting twist! It's refreshing!"

And now, because this is a shit storm as it is, the collective MARVEL fandom speaks up. "Liste, pal. This is bullshit. High-class bullshit.  Kids shouldn't be fucking taught their national fucking icon is a god-damn NAZI. A NAZI. Peggy Carter didn't fucking die for this what the fuck. Also, like? Why would Steve fight HYDRA if he was on their side?? He destroyed a SHIT TON of bases, and killed/incarcerated, like, more Important HYDRA People™ than heads can grow back! HYDRA wouldn't be fucking willing to make that fucking sacrifice for-- whatever! Listen, MARVEL, you have a bad fucking history of having little to fucking no respect for Judaism and the jewish people-- be it your own goddamn characters, the actors who play them, or the fucking writers. Making Steve a Nazi isn't exactly how you minimize that fucking anti-semitism. It does the fucking opposite. This is bullshit. Utter bullshit. Fuck this, fuck you, I'm... I'm done."

Steve blinks. "I have to go shit in the fucking sink because that's rational, just like me being a FUCKING NAZI is rational!"

Bucky grabbed Steve's wrist. "Wait, HYDRA is the organization that kidnapped and brainwashed me, right? Why are you working for them?"

"Because, Buck!" Steve sighs. "Even though this goes against literally everything my character stands for, I have to-- wait, shit, what?! Since when am I a goddamned NAZI.?!?"

Wade Wilson, America's favorite fighting trashcan, speaks up. "Yeah, I didn't like it, either! So, I broke the 4th wall, beat MARVEL producers up--I think Nick Spencer pissed himself--and, well, now you're not a fucking Nazi anymore because it made literally zero sense!"

Steve blinks. "Wow! Thanks Mr. Pool!!!"

Bucky draws him into a kiss because that is how every fanfic should end. Not with a fucking character suddenly being a fucking Nazi. With a goddamn kiss between two people who are in fucking love and maybe I'm crying so what fuck off.