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Civil War as told by Luis

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Hope: Do we have to? Why can’t Scott tell the story?

Dave: Yea Man. Scott’s the hero of the story afterall.

(Scott tries to interject)

Luis: But Scotty, you promised me, dawg! I never get to be the main man of the story. Lemme tell your story, bro.

Scott: (sighs) Okay, Luis man, don’t make me regret this. Go.

Luis: (grins) You’re da man Scotty!

Kurt: Oh boy. Here we go.

Hope: (mutters) If only I wasn’t sick in bed...

Luis: Okay, so you know all this Civil War nasty business all went down all nasty and it started with that metal arm guy, Bucky, who was like Cap’s best bud back in da World War Two, but then Bucky fell from that train man, that lead Cap to believe that he died. But, then, turns out he didn’t and dude got all brainwashed and stuff. He even got his arm replaced with this crazy metal arm man! Dude that’s just both nasty and dope by the way.

Scott: Luis....

Luis: Yo chill, I’m getting there man. So anyway, Bucky went full on loco and killed whatever the Super Secret Evil Octopus Organisation ordered. But then, a whole ton of years later Cap and Bucky meet face to face. Cap’s like ‘Yo Bucky, remember me man? We were best buds.’ and Bucky’s like ‘Who da hell are you man?’ But then, Bucky starts to remember stuff cause he can’t let go of his buddy like that, am I right? Same goes for our main man here, cause best buds gotta stick together -

Hope: (mumbles) If I weren’t this sick in bed, I would’ve punched the living daylights out of him. Maybe I still could...

(Scott hears Hope and shoots her a don’t-you-dare look)

(Hope glares back at Scott)

Dave: (whispers to Kurt, signalling him towards Scott and Hope) Uh-oh.

Kurt: (leans in to whisper back to Dave) I zink Civil War is about to go down here too.

Luis: (oblivious to everything else going on, continues) - Right after that, when those planes were fallin from da sky, Bucky saved his bro from drownin in those deep waters. Dude’s all like ‘Yo man, I still don’t get why I save yo ass but I still feel tat bro connection, you know what I’m sayin? Dude listen, even if I can’t fully remember you now, I’m a wanted by the popo, so Imma gonna go into hidin. See you around later man.’

Dave: I wasn’t there but I’m pretty sure that’s not what they said...

Scott: Nope...Not at all

Kurt: Andddd we haven’t even reached the main story yet

Hope: (Rolls eyes) Just get on with the story Luis...

Luis: Right right, so our man Bucky here, in da flashback of 1991, back when he was still not right in ‘is head, slam! into this sweet classic of a ride and dude did a smash ‘n grab on that super secret serum that could make you just like Captain America!

So so, coming back to the present day, after that evil robot Ultron and his army failed to take over the world, Cap, that Hot Black Leather Redhead Chick, Bird Man, whom my buddy Scott totally kicked his ass the last time they met, -

(Scott grins and high-fives Luis; Hope nods approvingly)

Luis: Yea! That’s what I’m talking about man! - and Scary but still crazy stupid fine Witch are on this mission from stopping this Guy in a Hockey Mask, who used to pretend to be one of the good guys but in fact, he was working uncover for them Super Secret Evil Octopus Organisation, from stealing this dangerous weapon. But when Cap got Hockey Mask Guy cornered,

(Luis dramatically pauses)

the dude decides to go on full nuke on himself! I mean like how crazy is that? Scary Witch, being the badass she is, steps in. Whoosh! She flings Hockey Mask Guy into the air and he goes KABOOM! Everyone on the ground is safe but the people in that building…God Bless them.

(Kurt makes the sign of the cross)

Dave: Yea yea. I saw that on the news. Everyone is like blaming her and cursing her for getting those people killed. But you know what I think? Gurl did the best she could in a situation like that. If she didn’t do what she did, more people would have died, am I right?

Hope: (nodding) Mhmm. Preach it.

Dave: Amen, sister.

(Scott raises an eyebrow at Hope; Hope shrugs)

Luis: After all this shit goes down, the Secretary of State, that General Ross guy –

Kurt: Wait, the same guy who hates on the Hulk for datin his daughter?

Scott: (narrows his eyes at the mention of Ross) Yeah. That guy. Real charmer.

Luis: Guys. I’m in the middle of ma jam here.

Scott: (hands up in surrender motion) Ok. Sorry. Do continue.

Luis: (happily continues) So this guy conveniently shows up and tells the Avengers that they gotta sign this “Sokovia Accords” that is prepped by the UN guys themselves, which is basically code for listing every superhero identity in existence and having control the superpowers themselves. Off course the team is gonna be divided over a proposal like that. Bottomline? On the right hand corner, we’ve got Team Iron Man who supports this registration, his bro Iron Man 2, Almost-Ultron genius robot, and Redhead. On the left hand corner, supporting Team Cap for freedom is just Bird Man.

Dave: (comments to himself) Damn. Those are some steep odds.

Luis: Basically, Team Iron Man is saying ‘Man, we made some bad decisions, among them includes building an evil robot, Yea, I’m looking at you Stark, who wanted to take over the world and people died for it. So we should let the government made those decisions for us for people to start believing in us again.’

On the other hand, Team Cap points out ‘We can’t trust no government. Those people are still shady as hell, who knows what anyone is up to nowadays? We ain’t givin up our freedom and identity for more security. We be our own security.’

Here comes the nasty part, remember those people Hockey Mask Guy took out? Turns out they’re part of this humanitarian mission from Wakaka –

Scott: It’s Wakanda.

Luis: Wakalala

Scott: (Sighs) Repeat after me. Wa-Kan-Da.

Luis: Wakanada

Scott: (shaking his head exasperatedly) Nevermindddd...go on... (leans in against Hope on the bed)

Luis: Anyway, see, at the signing of the Accords, both the King and Prince of Wakanada were present to show their support. At the same time, Cap and Bird Man were attending Cap’s ex almost-gurlfriend, Peggy, who’s actually Sharon’s aunty, who’s also into Cap as well. Or is it the other way round that Cap is into two generations of Carter?

Kurt: He does not apparently get out to meet ladies often.

Luis: He’s just letting that body of his go to waste. Man, if I had a body like that, I would definitely be meeting the ladies every day.

(Luis caught Scott glaring at him)

Luis: Right right. Coming back to the signing, KABOOM! a bomb suddenly goes off and the Wakanada King winds up dead. Here’s the screwed up part, the security footage showed that it was none other than Cap’s ex-bro Bucky who was behind the attack.

(Kurt and Dave fake gasp)

Luis: (turns to Kurt and Dave) I saw it on the news man.

(Scott and Hope’s turn to gasp)

Luis: What? This hombre follows the news okay? How do you think I know about all this signings and stuff? You think Scotty tells me this kind of stuff? Nada. But as your narrator for the day, it’s my job to fill in the audience with facts and back story. To know stuff is power, si?

Hope: Wow...I just never thought you’d go to that kind of great lengths. I’m... sorry we doubted you. Do carry on. Please.

Luis: Thanks Hope. That means a lot. Least I get to tell the story right? (grins) Anyway, off course the Wakanada Prince wants revenge ‘You watch it Bucky, you’re going downnnn.’

Oh and that Sharon chick, who’s obviously secretly Team Cap, gave him the heads up to arrest his ex-bro. Hey better arrest than getting ganked, I always say.

And then, Bird Man was like ‘Hey Cap, you sure you wanna rescue your ex-bro? I need you to be sure cuz I’m your bro too and us bros gotta stick together. The popo are surely gonna come after us. Guns blazing and all.’

Cap went all like ‘I’m 1000% sure. Dude’s my first bro and I gotta follow The Bro Code. Never ever abandon a Bro in need.’

Making up their mind, Team Cap goes in to arrest in Bucky. The popo arrives and Whoosh! Blam! Slam! Alakazam! The popo are down but they run into Cat Man.

Cat Man chases Bucky and Team Cap chases Cat Man. Iron Man 2 and more popo eventually intervened and cuffed them all. Only then Cat Man was revealed to be the Wakanada Prince.

Kurt: I saw that chase on the live news. Bucky and Team Cap were great and all but Cat Man got some pretty mad skills.

Luis: ‘Right? Sorry, but I also gotta give a shout out to Bird Man for asking Cat Man one of da most important questions of all time. ‘Hey yo man, you into cats?’

Scott: Of all the things I’ve told you. That’s the one thing you want to give a shout out to?

Luis: Yeah.

(A moment of awkward silence)

Hope: I did not realize how awkward that was until Luis stopped talking. (smirk)

Scott: (side eyes Hope and turns back to Luis) you want to elaborate on that a little further?

Luis: Well...I mean...Dude’s got a point man, I mean like you’re into ants, hell, you can even speak to em, that’s why you’re called Ant-Man. Imagine if the dude could command a legion of black cats, damn, that’s some insane black luck going on!

Scott: (facepalms) (mutters) Why did I even bother asking?

(Hope looks highly amused and pats Scott on his shoulder)

Luis: Oh, oh! I forgot to tell ya, there’s this shady looking dude named Zemo who ganked one of Bucky’s evil handler, who used to be from the Super Secret Evil Octopus Organisation. I’m gonna call that S.S.E.O.O from now on.

Scott: (whispers) It’s Hydra.

Dave: (whispers back) Just go with it man. Just go with it.

Luis: - So, this Zemo dude stole this secret book on Bucky where they documented the mother load of shit they did on the guy. So, he steals the book, he fakes it as one of those doctors, enters the facility and recites to Bucky a whole string of words. Now, these specific words were meant to activate Bucky’s blended brain wash juice and he went into bad mojo mode.

Cap was lucky to escape with Bucky and Bird Man, but without their gear. When Bucky returned to normal, he said ‘It wasn’t me who bombed that meeting, Zemo did it man, you gotta believe me. The guy plans to break into this S.S.E.O.O base in Siberia and wants to free the other crazy assassins like me. Trust me, it’s all super legit.’

Cap’s like ‘Yo man, off course I trust you. You ma bro.’ And Cap was all worried and stuff like that, cause they’re on the run from the other Avengers, the popo and got no backup. ‘Who else can we call?’ asked Cap.

Bird Man answered, ‘Bro I think I might know just the right guy for the job.’ Ok I won’t spoil it for ya but I’m really excited and I know who’s Bird Man talking about. Cuz that guy’s got some mad thieving skills and he’s ma bro! Ok, it’s Scott.

(Kurt, Dave and surprisingly, Hope joins in to clap for Scott; Scott smiles sheepishly)

Next stop, Cap calls in his gurl Sharon, who stole their gear back for Team Cap. Cap also takes the chance to finally kiss de gurl, which earns the seal of approval from Bird Man and Bucky.

Dave: Woo! You go Cap.

Kurt: Respect.

Luis: To top it off, they recruited Robin Hood cuz he’s got some serious aim, who went to rope in Scary Witch, who had to bury her sorta-kinda-almost-boyfriend Almost-Ultron into the ground for real to escape the house she was held in. Dude, I feel for ya.

But Iron Man’s got something up his sleeve too! He roped in that Spider Kid to face off Team Cap at the airport to prevent their escape. Gotta admit, kid’s got some serious moves.

So for Team Iron Man, we got the Stark man himself, Iron Man 2, Redhead, Almost-Ultron, Spider Kid, and Cat Man, who’s here along for the ride to settle the score with Bucky. On the other end, Team Cap’s got Bucky, Bird Man, Robin Hood, Scary Witch and off course my buddy, Scott. This fight is gonna be so intense!

This is like that superhero movie I watched the other day, you know that red caped alien versus the man dressed as a bat, only this is wayyy better. Ok I shouldn’t say better cuz my bro is out there fighting alongside Team Cap. But still, this new Spider Kid is stealing the show! Twip! Swish! Flick! Bamn! Kid’s got Cap’s shield. Kid single handedly brought down Bird Man and Bucky too but not after Bird Man tossed that punk ass kid outta da building.

Ok, Ok. Back to my man’s team. Gotta hand it to my main man, Scottyy. Damn! Did you see that arrow shot?!! Where my bud, Scott, hung onto the arrow and thwang! he shot straight into Iron Man’s armour and disabling his systems from the inside. I mean, that’s dope man.

(Scott debated on correcting Luis that Luis in fact did not see any of that happen and it was just based on Scott’s description with the added Luis flavour. Scott decided against it. He continued to listen. Damn, Luis is in da zone man!)

Luis: And that scene where Scotty turns into Giant Man? Damnnnnnnnnn. Even Team Iron Man is looking scared. And you’d never see Iron Man lookin scared cuz he got his armour on. That’s how much ass you’re kickin. You’re killin it Bro!  (grins widely)

(Kurt and Dave were already cheering for Scott while Hope intertwined her fingers with Scott’s. The look of pride on her face was enough to tell Scott it had been worth it)

Luis: Sadly, everyone on Team Cap, including my bro, Scott, had to stay behind to allow Cap and Bucky to escape. Otherwise, nobody ain’t gonna get there in time to stop that Zemo dude from releasing more of them brainwashed super soldiers. Red head also change her mind and helped them escape from Cat Man. And she look super hot doing it too. She can electrocute me anytimeeee.

(Collective eye-rolls from everyone)

The rest of Team Cap got caught and sent to this supermax super secret prison under the sea called The Raft while Iron Man 2 became a half vege cuz he couldn’t walk anymore no thanks to Almost-Ultron who was  aiming to disable Bird Man but missed and shot Iron Man 2 instead. And Red head ain’t takin no shit from nobody, especially Stark, so she went to lay low till this blows over.  

But then, Iron Man discovers proof that Bucky was framed by Zemo. He’s like ‘OH MY GOD! I messed up man. I need to fix this and find my bro Cap to help him.’ He pleads with Bird Man.

Bird Man sees Iron Man’s sincerity to honour the Bro Code and says ‘Look man. I don’t really trust you, but you seem really into helping our bro Cap out. Dude’s in trouble with Bucky when they gonna face Zemo.’

‘Where they at man?’ asked Iron Man.

‘They’re at that S.S.E.O.O base in Siberia but you gotta go there not as the popo but as a bro. You two bros gotta work this out,’ said Bird Man.

Iron Man holds up his end of da deal and goes to help his buddy Cap and Bucky without telling General Ross. But little did he know that the Cat Man was following him. Settle the score remember?

So Iron Man is friends again with his bro Cap and somewhat ok with Cap’s bro, Bucky and they set off to stop Zemo from his evil plan. Crazy thing is, all the crazy super soldiers were already dead and that Zemo killed them all. Say whuttttt? Plot twists man.

(This time, Hope, Dave and Kurt collectively gasp for real; Scott just leans back with an amused smirk)

Luis: Turns out that Zemo got game. Dude just wanted to watch the Avengers turn on each other. But first he gotta break that bro bond first, you feelin me? So he showed to Stark a video of the night that his pa and ma died. They were – wait for it – murdered by Bucky! Aha! Now you’re seein how all that flashback story is tying together eh.

Hope: (mouthed to Scott) Really?

(Scott nodded gravely)

Luis: Iron Man was super mad at his bro Cap for keeping this secret from him that they ended up in a three-way-battle.

‘Hey man! I thought we were bros?? We were tight together. Why’d you hide this from me?’ said Stark to Cap.

‘Sorry bro but Bucky is ma best bro,’ replied Cap.

‘I thought I was your best bro!’ yelled Stark.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Stark then blows off Bucky’s metal arm but Cap is there to defend his bro. Whoosh! Blam! Punch! Kapow! Cap disabled Iron Man’s suit and leaves with his bro, Bucky.

Iron Man was hurt that his best bro betrayed him. ‘Yo, I’m hurting man. And my pa made that shield for ya. You don’t deserve it.’ And so Cap left the shield with Stark.

What happened to Zemo, you asked? Well, while those three were busy fighting, Cat Man confronted Zemo.

‘Why chu do this punk?’ Cat Man asked.

‘I’m doing this for revengeeee. Ma family died as a casualty because of the Avengers. And now I get to take away what they treasure most – their bromance,’ explained Zemo before trying to off himself.

‘Awww hell no. You ain’t dyin so easy man. You killed my Pa. Imma gonna bring you back to face justice,’ said Cat Man.

After that, Cap not wanting to break off with his bro Stark leaves him a phone and a letter explaining why he did what he did and that he promise to always be there for his bro Stark as well.

Stark also let Cap’s whole break into the supermax prison to get his team out incident slide as well. That’s how Scotty is here with us today. This whole Civil War episode ends with Cat Man allowing Bucky to go back to his Sleeping Beauty sleep in Wakanada until they can find a way to fix all the nasty brain stuff they did to him.

The End.

(Everyone cheers and claps for Luis)

Luis: (grins widely) Thank you! Thank you all! You’re so kind.

Hope: I have to admit, you really put your own spin to it. Well done.

Luis: Awww...thank you Hope. (turns to Scott) Your hot girlfriend just complimented me twice today. (giggles)

Scott: (eye-rolls) Good for you bro. And you did good.

Hope: Don’t get use to it, Hombre.

Kurt: Hey, we’re going out to get some pizza. We’ll bring some back for both of you. Luis, you coming or not?

Luis: Ooo pizza! Tellin stories always makes me hungry. Yo, wait up guys –

Hope: (to Scott) So...what does it feel like to be an actual superhero now?

Scott: To be honest, well, there’s no pay to it. And I don’t get any of the Avengers perks cause I’m now a wanted man.

Hope: But you did it for the right reasons.

Scott: I did what I did before I went to prison the first time because I believe that I was doing it for the right reasons. Look where that got me.

Hope: It’s easy to look the other way and pretend there’s nothing wrong. It’s the hardest to step up and do what’s best even when you feel the whole world is against you. Scott, I’m proud of you and what you did. And I’m sure Cassie will be proud of you too.

(Before Scott could react - )

Luis: Awwwww...That’s so sweet! You guys should seriously have some sexy time after time. (Makes kissy noises)

Scott and Hope: Wha- Luis! (hurls multiple pillows at him) Get Out!!