Dan and Phil sat beside each other on the couch in Dan's flat. It was getting pretty late and Phil was getting close to heading home soon. Phil, lost in thought while Dan scrolled through Tumblr and reflagged various things.
Phil was actually thinking about Dan. He really felt like he could possibly be in love with Dan. They were friends… Best friends.
But Phil didn't think Dan could ever feel the same. As it was, Dan didn't seem interested in guys. But it didn't really matter to Phil, because he never planned on telling Dan. Yeah, maybe eventually, but way in the future. All Phil honestly wanted was to have Dan in his life. He couldn't lose Dan or have Dan hate him. And Phil had a feeling that maybe if he told Dan his true feelings, then he would ruin their friendship.
So for the most part, he kept his mouth shut. But sometimes, Phil accidentally spoke his mind. Unintentionally, of course. And this time, it might have screwed things up.
"How much do you hate feelings?" Phil mumbled almost mindlessly, although his thoughts were racing.
Dan set his laptop aside. "A lot, actually," Dan admitted, shutting the lid to his laptop and getting up to put it on the table. After, he came back and sat beside Phil once more.
"Same." Phil sighed sadly, pulling his knees to his chest.
"What's on your mind?" Dan asked, placing a hand gently on Phil's shoulder.
And then Phil might've just screwed up. "I… I like someone, but they don't feel the same about me," Phil whispered, before realizing what he'd just admitted to his best friend.
"How do you know they don't like you back?" Dan asked softly, generally curious and wondering about his best friend. "Have you like, secretly asked them about who they might be interested in?"
"Well, I just know they don't feel the same way," Phil stated, biting his lip as his eyes began to water. "They couldn't possibly. I'm pretty sure they like someone else anyway…"
"I'm sure they feel the same way, I mean, you're a wonderful person, you're absolutely beautiful. I mean it."
"Thanks, I guess, but I don't believe that… I wish I could believe that, I really do…" Phil gulped, tears slipping down his pale cheeks. "But I can't. Because I hate myself…"
"I fucking love everything about you-" Dan cut himself short. "Sorry, that was too far…"
"I- It's okay," Phil lied, but inside he didn't even know how to react. "We're okay."
"Good, good," Dan smiled, wiping away Phil's tears. "Don't cry, beautiful. It's okay."
"I wish it was," Phil muttered softly, sniffling a bit.
"I know," Dan said softly.
It was silent for a bit before Dan voiced his thoughts. "Who do you like?" He asked.
Phil felt like he couldn't breathe. His heart raced in his chest. "Huh?" He asked, hoping, praying he heard wrong.
"Who do you like?" Dan asked again.
"Oh, uhm, I dunno if I can tell you," Phil said, blushing a bit but it wasn't noticeable. "I dunno if I can say it out loud. It's a secret."
"Come on, I won't tell anyone, I promise," Dan uttered, looking into Phil's eyes.
"I- I dunno," Phil shrugged.
"Please?" Dan begged.
"I…" What could Phil say? He could lie, but he wouldn't really be able to this quickly and make it sound believable.
Dan looked at Phil expectantly. Phil sighed and bit his lip.
"Please don't get mad," Phil begged, his heart racing.
Phil let out a shaky breath. "I- I like…" He began, the word 'you' circling in his mind, but he couldn't make himself say it.
Dan looked slightly confused, but then Phil confirmed it all. "I like you, Dan. Well, I think I love you."
Dan didn't know what to say. What do you say to something you weren't expecting like that? He was shocked, that was for sure. But he didn't know how to react or what to say.
"Oh," Dan uttered, biting his lip anxiously.
"Yeah… Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad," Dan said softly, staring off and looking anywhere but Phil.
Silence engulfed the room like flames. Neither said anything for awhile, until Dan spoke up.
"I think you should probably go home, it's late," he muttered, still staring at the wall.
Phil didn't know what to say, so he just got up and went to the door. "Goodnight… I'm sorry," he whispered, opening the door and walking out into the cold night.
Dan avoided Phil as much as possible after that, never opening the door when Phil knocked. Never returning his best friend's texts or calls. Nothing.
Phil felt like his worst fear came true. He'd lost Dan. That hurt worse than his heart breaking into a million little pieces like it did.
Phil didn't know what else to do. He had one last thing he could try.
He walked up to Dan's door and sighed sadly. He pulled out a folded up piece of paper with his own handwriting on it. And quickly, he slid it under the door, before turning away and leaving, giving up for good and not really planning on coming back.
Dan walked out of his bedroom heading to the kitchen when he noticed a folded piece of paper by his front door. He wondered when it got there and how long ago that it could have been.
He'd been thinking a lot lately about the confession. Phil's confession. And frankly, Dan knew how much of a jerk he was being by ignoring his best friend. But it was the only way he could come to terms with his true inner feelings. He realized some of those feelings were for Phil, and after he ate and made himself look decent, he'd march straight over to Phil's flat to apologize for everything, and he'd tell Phil how he felt, and he hoped Phil could forgive him. He hoped Phil would.
Crouching down, Dan picked up the paper and sat at the table before unfolding it and reading what was written. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as he then realized… how bad he really screwed up this time around.
And the note… he knew what it meant.
He knew who wrote it.
He knew why they wrote it.
And he was so, so sorry.
He was so stupid, and such a terrible person, and he wondered if it was too late to fix things or not and show Phil how he really felt.
'I'm sorry I ruined our friendship. I know you probably hate me and never wanna talk to me again and I guess that's fine. I have to live with the mistakes I've made, and perhaps move on.
You never have to see me again, or forgive me for what I've said. I understand that I upset you and I'm really sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
And, by chance, (even though I know it's not likely; I screwed up pretty badly, I know) if you do ever find it in your heart to forgive me and forget about my stupid confession, you know where you can always find me.
But even if you don't want to see me again and you do hate me, just know, how I feel for you will never change. I'd still look at you like you put the stars in the sky. But I'd push aside all my dreams just to at least keep you as a friend. More than anything, I want you to be happy. That's all I could ever want.
You deserve the whole universe… but I am just a star.
That's all I'll ever be.
- With love, Phil.'