Anger. Revulsion that sank onto his tongue and made him taste bile. That man telling Steve that he didn't know what he was doing; that he didn't care. Didn't care about the twelve hostages. Watches as Steve's eyes go blank, his shoulders slack before he breaks all eye contact and has to look away. Has to. Can't let anyone see the emotions in his face. He's a commander after all.
Steve is quiet on the way back to the station. Looks out the window a few times at the setting sun with an expression that Danny can't figure out. It was a mixture of defeat and longing.
"Steve-" he starts.
"No." His knuckles grip the steering wheel and he bites his lip. "For once. Please, just no." And they're both quiet the rest of the way back.
Steve doesn't say anything when Danny rests his open palm on the inside of Steve's thigh as a silent comfort.
- - - - - - - - - -
The job is done, the teenagers are back safely with their parents. Danny watches Steve allow a smile to cross his lips when he sees parents rushing to their kids. Embracing them. Mothers running their fingers through their child's hair to make sure they're there. Fathers resting their hands on the side of their son's faces, nodding with tears in their eyes. Whispering words of apologies. Of I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Kono nudges him in the ribs and gives him an 'Either stop staring, or go talk to him' look and Chin looks at him knowingly. Danny thinks that Chin was the first one to notice that his affection for McGarrett was more than affection. The man has some obvervation skills.
Danny let's his eyes trail back over to Steve's face.
And it's back.
The sadness. Steve's smile no longer reaches his eyes, and Danny watches as he skims the crowd. His thumb is running small circles on the inside of his own wrist. Is he comforting himself? Steve looks up at the ceiling, eyes searching the tiled wall for something. His lips are moving, a silent prayer to the man who made him into who he was.
- - - - - - - - - -
The Five-0 team goes out to celebrate. Danny watches Steve again. Has been all day. Steve is reckless- always reckless. Doing things without thinking, without worrying about himself. He still doesn't know if it's selfllessness or lack of self worth that makes McGarrett do what he does. He's always scared of what Steve is thinking. Of what he's going to do to get over this. And no matter how many times Steve yells it off to Chin and Kono that he's fine and he was just doing his job, Danny can see. See the way the light stops shining in his eyes when he thinks no one is looking, the way he forces himself to drink the alcohol that Chin keeps pouring for him.
Of course, Chin cares about Steve as much as Danny does (even though Danny stubbornly doesn't think so). Danny has some observation skills himself. He sees the way Chin never takes his eyes off of Steve. How he was the first one to respond to someone breaking in to McGarrett's house. How he had flown into a rage when he learned that Wo Fat had beaten him to a pulp and escaped. Chin drank himself to sleep for weeks.
And now he watches as Chin puts his hand on the back of Steve's neck, whispering something into the side of his face. And Danny will admit to the boil of jealousy that he feels when Steve doesn't pull away when Chin pulls him into a full on hug. Contact that Steve almost always pulls away from. Chin and Steve share something that goes as far back as the late Mr. McGarrett that pulled Chin out of hell and helped him through the rough patch in his life. The respect Chin has for Steve is there. But over the years it morphed into something stronger. It showed in Chin's eyes whenever his eyes were on Steve. But Chin was too good a man, and too content with what he had with McGarrett that he wouldn't persue his feelings for him. He wasn't as selfish as Danny.
Danny has to look away.
When Kono and Chin call it a night, Danny stays behind; watches over Steve. He nods at Chin, who nods back and gives Steve one last squeeze on the shoulder before leaving.
Danny takes the seat right next to Steve and tries to get him to eat something, but Steve just tells him 'M fine Danny and I was just doing my job and I'm a good cop. Danny just nods, keeping his arm around Steve's shoulders even when Steve tries to shrug them off. When it's clear that Danny's arm isn't going anywhere, Steve sighs into the mouth of his beer bottle, his eyes on his hands.
Steve can't hide.
Not from him.
- - - - - - - - - -
Steve is drunk, really drunk by the time Danny's decided that his partner has had enough. Steve's words are slurred and don't make any sense. Keeps mumbling things like Leave me alone and Get the fuck off of me, but his hand never unclenches from Danny's shirt.
"Alright, Steve. Okay."
- - - - - - - - - -
He deposits Steve onto his bed, all five hundred pounds of him. A deadweight Steve was no joke to get up the stairs. For a few moments, Danny fumbled with what he should do. Should he say something? Should he leave? Should he stay? But when he watches tears start to roll down Steve's cheeks, he starts. They glisten in the moonlight coming through the window when Steve shifts his head on the pillows. Steve is whining, his arm slung over his eyes when the tears don't stop.
And that's good enough for Danny. Something inside him breaks. His resolve, his willpower. He can actually feel it shatter behind his eyelids and deep in his belly. He takes off all of his clothes, crawls on the bed with Steve. When Danny places a hand on Steve's forearm, he feels him tense. What the hell was he about to do?
"Steve." And he waits. Steve's not stupid. He knows that Danny's naked. Even drunk out of his mind, his super SEAL powers probably never turn off. He probably dreams of other SEALS and SEAL operations and SEAL cereal. He understands what Danny's going to offer him, awknowledges that Danny's going to do it.
Danny sets his hand over Steve's heart, feels the heartbeat under his fingers.
"Being alive." The words were so sudden and random, loud in the quiet room.
"Being alive," Steve repeats. "It hurts." And there it is. The vulnerability of this seemingly invulnerable man seeping through the cracks and Danny can see it. Steve is letting him see it. The walls that Steve had built around himself had opened a little. Enough for Danny to squeeze through.
"I'm going to help you." It wasn't a request. The clarity Danny feels in this moment is almost frightening. He's zeroed in on Steve, only Steve. Everything he's felt for this man, everything they've done for one another has reached this point.
For Danny it has at least. Steve opens his mouth, but Danny slides his own over it before he even knows what he's doing. He won't let Steve talk anymore. He'll use his words to manipulate Danny into thinking what he's about to do is wrong. He almost breathes a sigh of relief into Steve's mouth at how long he's waited for this moment. Completely oblivious Steve who never knew what he did to him. The way he walks. The way he talks. The way he operates. The way he thinks. His loyalty. His compassion.
And Danny is almost mad that the feelings he's felt for Steve after all this time (God, so fucking long) are going to be watered down to what he can only express to him with his touch. But it's all he can give. Danny's not good with words, after all. He just wished McGarrett understood.
He quickly strips Steve, who is in a drunken haze and too slow to stop how fast Danny is moving. And he takes a moment to appreciate this body. Commander Steve McGarrett's gorgeous body, Jesus Christ, that Danny was convinced was forged in the fires of God's divine mercy. All muscle and perfect, so fucking perfect. His long legs with just the right amount of meat on his thighs and calves. The ink on Steve's upper arms and the one he knows is on Steve's lower back. The abdominal muscles that frame his hips (one of Danny's favorite things. He loves when Steve wears sweatpants low that show them off and he can see the hipbones moving with every step he takes) and toned chest. And that face. If Danny had ever seen beauty, could call a man beautiful, it would be in this moment. Because to Danny, Steve was the epitome of everything he has ever wanted. In mind, body and soul. And it's become painful that he's not touching. Tasting.
He's sliding his body over Steve's own, the feel of heated skin on skin causing Danny to inhale sharply. He feels Steve's dick trapped against his own stomach and he rolls like a cat on top of him. Steve gasps out, and Danny claims his mouth once more, pushing his tongue inside Steve's mouth. Tasting everywhere he can, drinking up the moans he draws from the man below as if he needs the sounds to breathe. Steve breaks away first for air, one of his hands coming to rest on the headboard of the bed.
Danny mouths down Steve's neck, inhaling his scent. It clouds Danny's mind, thickens the air around them. Danny slips his fingers into Steve's mouth, and for a moment, Steve doesn't do anything. He just looks at Danny with apathetic eyes. Only when Danny lowers his mouth to one of Steve's nipples does Steve start to suck. He can feel Steve's lip tremble when his mouth opens to moan when he places his knee between Steve's thighs and rocks against his groin. Steve lightly touches the side of Danny's leg where it's still kneading him to full erection, and it sends an electric shock straight to his dick.
Danny takes his two fingers out, reaching between Steve's legs. His eyes open then and he attempts to sit up. And Danny can see the panic rising in Steve's eyes, can feel his body start to tense. Danny doesn't stop. Doesn't think he can. Not with Steve already like this, naked and broken underneath him.
And so he presses a finger quick and deep inside Steve's body, watching as his hips lift off the mattress from the foreign touch. Steve looks confused a little bit, but Danny smiles. He hums as he tilts his head down and laps at Steve's bellybutton. Steve's hips jolt involuntarily at the contact.
Danny adds a second finger, and he knows it's too fast and too dry, but somehow it's them. All push and pull and take and give. Danny needs to hear more of him. Needs to know Steve is still here with him. Steve hisses a little, but turns his head to the side to hide his face. It's flushed, all the way down his throat. Danny can see his pulse jumping beneath the skin.
Danny's fingers are moving now, twisting and carressing the walls deep inside Steve. It's a place he knows that no one has ever touched, and he searches for it; he knows exists inside every man. The spot that Danny know will make Steve writhe and arch against him. And it's still almost not deep enough for Danny. Both his fingers are completely inside McGarrett up to the knuckle, but he wants to be inside this man in every way possible.
Steve lets him know when he finds it. As his fingers thrust over that spot, Steve's back arches like a bow and his head tilts back. A low moan escapes his throat, and he subconsciously spreads his legs a little more, a silent display of desire and pleasure. Danny ravishes his exposed neck then and he feels Steve clench tightly around his fingers inside.
Danny obliges. He can't take his eyes off of Steve. He knows he might never get to see Steve like this ever again. Lowered defenses for once is his god damn life.
Steve's hips are trembling now and he's moaning uncontrollably. They're low, scratchy and husky and Danny would be embarrassed that he himself is about to cum without even touching his own dick, but this is Steve. McGarrett is biting his lip, skin turning white around his teeth, and no. No, he can't have that. He needs to hear what Steve sounds like in pleasure. If it matches his dirtiest fantasies. Danny shallowly thrusts against that spot again and again and again, keeping the pleasure constant until Steve cries out again. Letting Steve know that he will not allow Steve to hold back. Not this time.
"Danny...touch me..." It's so broken and needy that Danny falters for a moment, but just shakes his head at Steve.
"Want you like this, want you to cum like this. With my fingers inside you. Nothing else." Nothing else he wants more. Steve's hand grips Danny's forearm as Danny starts to rub his thumb against the inside of Steve's wrist as he had seen him do earlier. And Steve is almost sobbing now, writhing on the fingers he's impaled on.
"Danny, I can't-" But his words trail off into a low shout as Danny's fingers speed up, hitting Steve's special spot as they slide in and out, hard and deep. Danny almost feels like he's pleasuring a woman, can't believe how wet and clenching Steve is around his fingers.
"Stay with me, Steve," he whispers when Steve's body starts to tense. And Steve is breaking, bending under the weight of it all. His body is jerking up the bed from the force of his fingers, his legs splayed open for Danny to see. It's far too deep and intimate than he could have ever wanted, and he wants to stay this way with Steve forever. He still doesn't know if he wants McGarrett to remember this or not.
When Steve's entire body freezes, Danny snakes his free hand down and runs a finger up the side of McGarrett's shaft. Grips it tight and pumps his hand up and down. And that's it. It's Steve's breaking point as his hands brace themselves on the back of the bed, nails scratching the wood. Steve screams himself raw as Danny pulls, pushes and forces wave after wave of pleasure from him. And it's just want Danny had wanted. Wanted to hear Steve scream (with that sexy ass voice of his, my God) until no sound would come out, wanted him to loose the control he always had, even if it was just for a moment. And Steve's hips are jerking helplessly to the pulses of his orgasm, coating his own stomach and Danny's hand with his release. Danny wonders how he can still move his fingers with Steve being so tight around him. And Danny's own orgasm punched through him, and he gripped the base of his dick at the sheer force of it as his own climax joined Steve's on his belly.
And then Steve is breathing again, head turned into the pillow, his fists clutching it tightly to his head. His body is shaking and there's a layer of sweat coating his skin. Danny slides his fingers free, running them up Steve's now wet stomach, trailing the semen up his chest.
"Steve." And Steve was looking at him with those eyes. Those damned eyes that Danny could never understand. Danny smiled and Steve's eyes fluttered closed. Danny kissed his face. His cheeks, his nose, his eyelids. Anywhere he could reach, hoping that one would make it through McGarrett's thick skull and make him understand. Until Steve's breathing had evened out and Danny knew he was asleep.
Danny watched as the constant frown lines between Steve's brows disappeared.
Never then in that moment had Danny wanted Steve more. It was a selfish thought, something he'd thought since he'd first layed eyes on him in his father's house those years ago. And Danny can feel the guilt start to rise deep in his stomach, can feel it travel up to the back of his throat where it dried his mouth. For taking advantage of Steve in his most vulnerable, for showing Danny that he could be. And Danny had...
Danny puts his head in his hands, feels the tears brim over.
He hoped, if Steve remembered this night, that Steve could forgive him.