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Pizza Magazine

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dear reader,

today i was taken home from the shelter!!!!! this is worth celebration.

my new owners are two upwalkers and their house is very big and smells very strange. one of them is named 'taehyung' and i don’t know what the other one is named but he seems to talk less which i appreciate. they set my carrier down and left me alone, i also appreciated this.

earlier one of them left a bowl of something that smells scrumptious in a bowl the color of poppies, which is a nice change from the ones at the shelter. but i’m not falling for that trick again!!!!!!!!!!

dear reader,

i was too hungry so i caved. luckily no one saw me. these upwalkers got me wet food!!! that is kind of them. i remember this luxury from when i was a young kit. i have not eaten wet food in so long i have nearly forgotten the angry rasping noise when they would open the armored saucers that it came in. upwalkers are very strange.

dear reader,

taehyung looked me in the face today and called me ‘pizza,’ which i understand is supposed to be an upwalker delicacy of some sort. did they name me after a food!? how insulting. in the shelter my name was berlioza, after the aristocat, said the yellow-vest upwalker. except his name was berlioz. i think she meant aristocrat but i went from aristocrat to pizza!!!! so i said to him “you absolute sardine.” i cannot be sure he understood but he is trying.

the one with darker headfur is not very good at speaking, i think. he might be stupid. i think his name is ‘babe’ which i thought was the name of a pig. so i guess taehyung just names things around him after food?

dear reader,

some days taehyung and babe are not home for a very very long time. i do not mind this because they gave me plenty of toys and lots of things to scratch and all the room in the house i would like which is a big improvement from the last owners. but i wonder where they go.

they sleep very close together but i have yet to see them groom each other’s headfur. i think upwalkers do a different thing where they put their mouths together and move them which seems inefficient and artless. they do this a lot and i try to tell them they need to lick with their tongues but i don’t think they understand this concept.

dear reader,

babe has a lot of suitcases!!!!!!! okay he is forgiven for being a little stupid.

i happened to be in the soft room (with the drawers full of soft detachable upwalker fur called clothes, it is bizarre, how does it not hurt when they take it off? anyway taehyung lets me sit in his sock drawer and i am very thankful for this) when he was talking to him and folding clothes to fit into the suitcase. of course this was an opportunity i could not pass up so i immediately settled myself in the center of it.

“oh, she likes you,” taehyung said. he is wrong i don't like babe, i tolerate babe. you know he looked at me earlier and said “i wonder what goes on in that head of yours” as if he has a lot of stuff going on in his head?! ridiculous. upwalkers never say the things they mean i think they need their mothers to teach them better. or do their mothers abandon them when they are kits? that is sad, actually. maybe i should not judge babe so harshly. anyway, babe’s clothes smell great maybe even better than taehyung’s!!! so i settled in for a nap.

dear reader,

babe is not home so it’s just me and taehyung. he told me, “shh don’t tell him i let you into our bed,” but the joke’s on him i sleep in their bed myself when they’re not home anyway. haha!

today taehyung sat in the food room with me in the sun and brandished some sharp metal contraption at me when i realized what it was. claw trimming! i hate it. but i like taehyung, so i only made him chase me around the house for one evening and i wasn’t really trying that hard. upwalkers seem to not really want to come fight me when i’m at the top of a bookshelf. but then he just said, “ok,” and sat down with one of those folding shiny rectangles with the clicky buttons and oh my god!!! i just had to sit on it. he won this round. i let him trim my claws in exchange for sitting on the shiny rectangle.

he also told me, “i miss him,” which i assume means babe. they are often apart so i don’t understand how this is any different but apparently he’s in a place called “overseas” which sounds pretty cool, i want to go to overseas someday but only if taehyung takes me there. he is quieter without babe around but he talks much more to me and touches me when i am sleeping which is a bit annoying but it’s okay i guess.

dear reader,

after many sunups and sundowns babe is home again but i think they are not happy about something. babe does this weird thing where he shows all his teeth when he’s happy (actually taehyung does this too) (aren’t you supposed to show teeth for aggression?) and he did not do it very much when he came home. it might have something to do with me sleeping between them in their bed the night he came back but it’s not my fault he didn’t just pick me up and move me?! i knew i called him the stupid one for a good reason.

and when babe is not happy taehyung is not happy either which i think is inconvenient but also understandable. when mrs. bubblegum was sad in the carrier next to mine at the shelter i remember being sad too. i asked her why once and she told me it was because her owner promised to come back but she never came back. she also said they took away all her kits once. i think that is very sad.

but babe came back and they don’t have kits so i don’t understand!!!!!

dear reader,

things are okay again because they were cuddled up together this evening. i didn’t know upwalkers scentmarked each other too, but they do it so often i’m starting to think that it’s not exactly scentmarking. i amused myself by climbing the bookshelf again with the glass doors and the two little gold men inside. they used to just be out in the open but once i pushed one that had a heavy gold ball onto the floor because i wasn’t being paid attention and after that i saw babe putting all of them inside the glass doors.

i don’t think he likes me very much and that’s fine by me!!!

dear reader,

today taehyung picked me up funny and i scratched him and i feel bad. but who told him to pinch my rib like that?! he was good natured about it. i heard babe ask him what happened when he came home after sundown and his face did this thing where it goes all wrinkly between his eyes and he said “was it pizza?”

taehyung said it was yes but it was ok but babe didn’t seem to think it was ok.

dear reader,

i don’t know if you know this but upwalkers have this habit of standing in a clear box with a lot of water splashing everywhere and i have no idea how this is pleasant but what’s even weirder is that they make the most disturbing noises when they’re in there. it's like talking but wavier. there i was taking a snooze in taehyung’s sock drawer in the soft room when i hear babe make these sounds in the bathroom and it sounds like he is drowning!!! so i told him “get out of there you mousebrain!!! that’s why you don’t go near water!!!” but he just pushed aside the clear door and patted me with his wet paw, ew. and went back to doing it?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM.

taehyung thought this was hilarious and i kept trying to tell him “save him!!! he is clearly in distress,” but he ignored me. “aw, pizza is concerned when you sing in the shower,” he said, whatever that is. singing?? is that what these sounds are? well in the end babe was fine so i suppose all is well.

dear reader,

now that i think about it, which i do a lot of, besides the “singing in the shower” business my upwalkers make a lot of concerning non-word noises in general. when they’re happy they show their teeth but also make this patterned booming noise which i hate. or other times i hear a lot of creaking, i hear it most of the time when both of them are home at night and i don’t really think much of it because i’m much more interested in conquering the cat tower with the feathers, ooh, those are new. but last night i guess one of them forgot to feed me and this was upsetting because i get hungry. and their door was shut so how was i supposed to tell them to feed me? actually i could hear them, and the creaking. i thought they were making the creaking noises but it sounded like they were running or really tired but that’s weird because the soft room isn’t that big so i guess they were just running in circles. i sat in front of the door and yelled “I SHALL NOT BE IGNORED” until, voila, the door opened and taehyung walked out. i must have superpowers.

i don’t usually ever see either of them without any of their clothesfur so that was very alarming as you might guess. also babe was sitting on the bed so i guess they weren’t running. usually they just sleep in the bed, so there must be something else they do that sounds like running. taehyung walked out saying “aw, i’m sorry pizza, we forgot to feed you, huh?” damn right you forgot!!!!! but i just walked up next to his feet, they have very weird short claws that aren’t sharp, and made sure he knew i was happy to be paid attention to. upwalkers like this.

then they went back to running in bed and i ate my wet food mmm.

dear reader,

taehyung BETRAYED ME!!!!!!! he has a DOG!!!!!!!!!! and he let that creature INTO THE HOUSE!!!

i think it’s his littermate’s dog but it was huge and it stank and babe always smells nice so i first dove at him and he caught me wow, i have to give him catnip points for that it was a surprise attack. but then i decided i was not going to have that kind of nonsense because the beast kept barking at me so i went to take a nap in the soft room in their dirty clothesfur basket.

dear reader,

babe touches taehyung very tenderly when they are in bed together. they even hold paws when they sleep. how is that comfortable? sometimes i see it, most of the time i don’t really like to look because it’s weird to see upwalkers without their detachable clothesfur, they look like sphinx cats but with fewer wrinkles. once i met a very disagreeable sphinx cat so i don’t really like them. but at least taehyung isn’t as pale as a sphinx cat which is nice. and they always sleep without clothes on even though my old owners always wore clothes.

i don’t see anybody else touch taehyung like that, i think he only lets babe do it. joke’s on me, i don’t really know anyone else except babe and taehyung, and sometimes two other upwalkers called kirk and kit come too. kit is a funny name, that’s like if i named one of my kits “child.” haha! kirk is even louder than taehyung and i usually hide from him but kit is nice. neither of them ever touch taehyung like babe does. i guess they’re not allowed to but i’m not sure why. the most i see sometimes is taehyung holding someone else’s paw for a moment and giving it a little shake when he meets them. i have learned this is a greeting, they don’t touch noses like we do.

i think i learned the word for this once but i don’t remember what it is.

dear reader,

taehyung is not home so it’s just me and babe this time. this happens quite often but it’s been at least three sunups and sundowns and taehyung has not been around so i guess this means he’s in the place called “overseas” too. when he’s not home babe is even quieter than taehyung when it’s just us two but he’s started talking to me. so far he hasn’t forgotten to feed me so i let him sit next to me on the couch. when he went to sleep last night he didn’t even make me get off the bed. he's actually not so bad, he's good at scratching me behind the ears where i like it.

dear reader,

babe said something funny to me today, he said, “i’m sorry, i know you don’t like me very much.” what? that’s not true, i don’t dislike babe. i made this very clear to him by saying, “no, you’re wrong, i tolerate you very much.” but he only replied, “yeah, i know. i wish taehyung was back too.”

oh my bastet he is so stupid.

dear reader,

babe is weird when taehyung is not home for lots of sunups, he only opens the cold silver box in the food room once every sundown. he usually opens it at least three times every sunup and sundown. he likes to eat a lot, and this we have in common, so i tried to eat my dinner when he ate his dinner today and i think he liked that.

dear reader,

babe did not get out of bed today until after sundown. he is not that good at feeding me at the right times like taehyung is. then again taehyung is generally smarter but also louder, so it is a tradeoff.

maybe i should kill a mouse and bring it to babe to remind him to eat.

dear reader,

is it normal for upwalkers to sleep in places that aren’t bed? babe seems to like my company lately but when i went into the soft room to curl up in the space taehyung usually sleeps he wasn’t there so i decided to go climb my bookshelf again. but then i found him sleeping on the couch and he looked like he needed my company so i went and lied down on his chest, it goes ba-dump ba-dump. upwalkers are so loud without even needing to talk.

“thanks, pizza,” he said. “you’re welcome, stupid kit,” i said, and this time i think he understood me. they’re learning!!!!!

i ended up going to sleep on the pawrest of the couch because it’s not really easy to fall asleep on something that moves up and down up and down. babe’s head was right under my tail so i put it on his face because i remember my mama used to do that when i was scared but i guess he didn’t like it because he flicked me off but he did let me put my tail on his headfur.

but then taehyung came back!!! that’s funny, usually babe always stays awake for taehyung to come home but maybe this time he didn’t know. i was going to tell taehyung that babe is useless without him but he held one of his pawpads to his mouth and said “shh,” which means to be quiet and climbed under the blanket with babe so i jumped off the couch to go sleep on my tower.

dear reader,

today i learned something totally crazy!!!!!!! babe has another name and it’s ‘jeongguk.’ how crazy is that?!? ‘jeongguk’ doesn’t sound like babe at all. and babe is still a pig’s name. that’s so confusing why do upwalkers have a bunch of names that they all answer to? i am just pizza, pizza the cat. i guess if someone called me berlioza again i’d know it was me that but i wouldn’t want to respond because my old owners were mean and they named me berlioza.

actually, make that two things!!! wow i learned a lot today, which is both great and inconvenient because the smarter i get that means the more stupid my upwalkers are in comparison and they learn so so slow. anyway i remembered the word that means what taehyung and babe, i mean jeongguk, have, it’s called love. love!!! i think that’s what it is when taehyung lets babe touch him soft with his paw. or when taehyung puts his mouth on babe’s mouth. and when babe looks at taehyung like he never looks at me. i mean it’s different i don’t know how. but when they talk to each other it reminds me of the way mrs. bubblegum would talk about that tomcat i forget his name but he had her kits. she said he loved him, too. i don’t know why it took me so long to remember.

i found out about babe’s name and remembered this at the same time because i heard taehyung say “i love you, jeongguk,” and as hopeless as my upwalkers are i think they are very cute. even without me they do okay because they love each other a lot, but they should not be alone that is disastrous. my cute dummies. now if you will excuse me i think i just heard one of them open an armored wet food saucer SO I AM GOING TO GO PUT MY FACE IN IT!!!!!