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Never More Vulnerable

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There was no denying that there was an almost addictive excitement in all of this for the both of them.  Chakotay had the Captain right where he wanted her---In his quarters, behind him, her rough hands tightening the ropes around his wrists as he gripped the back of the chair in anticipation.  

They were both in full uniform, but Chakotay would be more or less disheveled soon.  That’s the way they played; that’s the way Janeway liked it.  She flashed him a tiny smirk that made him blush before getting into character.  She unbuttoned his pants and rubbed her hand over the flesh.  Chakotay moaned, happily.  It was going to be a long night.   

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“You blatantly disobeyed my orders, and what’s worse, you’ve broken my trust.”  

“I’m sorry, captain.”  his voice was pleading.  “I regret my actions and will accept any punishment you see fit.”  He played the part well, as did the Captain.

“That’s not enough.” she worked her hand over his length.  Her voice was intimidating.  “I need you to understand what trust means to me Chakotay.”  her hand had worked him to the edge of coming and brought him back again twice now, and in this moment they were burning him up.  “We have a crew of would-be-enemies whose good will are barely maintained by the fact that we are moving forward. ”  She spoke low, and slowly, moving her hand up and down languorously so Chakotay could barely hang onto her words.  “...Whose ability to work together, as opposed to enacting mutiny hinges on the understanding that their leaders are a unified.”  Chakotay’s breath was coming out in little gasps.  “...That you obey my orders, and they follow your example.”  He was very far gone, and yet he couldn’t help but notice that something was different about the way the Captain was playing tonight.  “When you betray me, disobey me, you jeopardise that peace, and our chances of getting home.”  Her voice was losing it’s sultry edge and becoming harsh.  Chakotay had heard it before in real time, in the heat of the moment, in a silent and tense room, with the very real feeling of failure.  It was intense.  It was arousing.  “...And as a friend, You isolate me and you make me fearful.”  Chakotay swallowed.  Whatever she was doing, was working.  That thing deep inside him, that needed to placate, to prostrate himself before her, to make her burden lighter, was craving.  

“I... I never wanted to hurt you.” he choked out.  Her hand was working him faster and faster.  Chakotay’s mouth fell open.  He tried to look at her, but she would not hold his gaze.  

“I hate being the fool---being strung along.”  There was an ache in her voice that pierced him deeply.  Now he was having trouble looking at her.  He gasped

“Captain, I’m close... I’m about to...”  her hand stopped and she moved behind him.  He groaned.  He could feel her teeth behind his ear, her left hand on his neck, possessively, and he tried to keep his hips from bucking in too humiliating a fashion.  

“I can’t stand being lied to, or being tricked.”  her voice was a cruel whisper in his ear, enticing and frightening all at once.  

“You’ve hurt me, Chakotay.”  she drew out each word like she was savoring their sting.  He felt her disembodied nails pierce the side of his neck.  His eyes began to water, and suddenly all he wished, desperately, to be able to see her face.  Janeway’s voice was becoming almost too painful to bear, though other parts of him were still interested.

“I’m sorry.”  He sputtered.  

“An apology after the fact can’t rebuild my faith in you, Commander.”  There was bite in her voice, a finality.  “You were all I had left on this ship to confide in.  Now I have no one.”  Chakotay swallowed; tears starting to burn in his eyes.  He tried to still his spine from arching involuntarily.  This game wasn’t usually so intense.  

“I--I’m sorry.”  Was all he could say.  “I was wrong to go off on my own.  Let me make this right---I’ll do anything.  Please, forgive me, Captain.”  He meant it.  Janeway was silent and Chakotay was unsure what was going to happen next.  He knew this wasn’t real, and yet, despite himself, he pleaded underneath his breath “ please.. please.. ” to be back in her good graces.  His body felt more and more selfish for her touch.  

“..And do you think you deserve to be forgiven?”  Chakotay’s countenance turned urgent.  His toes curled.  He squirmed under Janeway’s gaze; breathing increased; tears fell.  He didn’t mean to shake his head---tried to focus on the soft hand on the back of his neck.

“Captain,” he pleaded, not knowing for what.  She was keeping him on the edge, in a space between forgiveness and unattainability----desperate and needing, ever trying to please.  Now Janeway traced a finger over his twitching length, drawing little whimpers from the troubled man.

“Anything you want... Anything you want...”  he uttered, weakly.  “I’ll do.. anything--”

“--No.” she nearly growled, her voice low and harsh.  It ran through him like a shiver.  Just as he was wishing he could look into her, she stalked around his chair and lifted his face at an almost uncomfortable angle.  

He tried to blink the tears away and regain composure, but when the haze cleared he found only coldness in her stare.  It frightened him.  It was the look she reserved for enemies who crossed her for the most irredeemable of offenses.  It was calculated and he had seen it before, a stare that left the enemy wondering if she might spare his life or destroy her own ship with he on it.  Chakotay had never once considered he might one day be on the other side of it.  He was supposed to be on her side.  

I’m going to do anything I want.” she corrected him.  Her voice alone, drew a small moan from him.  Chakotay felt his will soften; his lip quiver.  His body tensed up as her fingers began working him, quickly, with violence in her eyes.    

“Captain, I...”  he groaned.  He was close.  “L--Leola-root.”  he blurted; his voice, broken.  The Captain’s expression cracked almost instantly, the coldness falling away, her face becoming sympathetic, uncertain.  

“Chakotay? Are you..”

“I’m sorry, Captain.” he forced the words out. “I can’t.. I can’t tell what’s real.”  She removed her hands as if she had burned him.  

“I’ll untie you.”  She moved to his bonds, untying them almost frantically.  

“No.. you don’t have to.”  The Captain was behind him, determined and struggling to untie his bonds as quickly as possible.  

“Kathryn!”  he whimpered.  She jumped, though he could not see it, and moved around to look at him---her stare, fearful and pitying.  

“Please,” his eyes were full of tears again.  “Please, just... I just need a moment.”  

“I went too far.”  

“No---I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.  This is my fault.”  her hands were gentle on his face.

“I brought my feelings into this.”  He wished he hadn’t asked it, but the question was already written all over his distraught face:

“---Do you hate me?”  he begged.  The Captain’s expression seemed to minutely change many times, before she swallowed and stilled.  She looked as if her heart had broken.  Chakotay knew the answer before he asked, but he needed to hear it.  

“No.” she whispered staring at him with pleading eyes.  He lowered his head, breathing mechanically, failing to hold back tears.  

“What can I do?”  She asked.  Chakotay took a moment to regain his voice.  

“Just be here with me for a moment.”  

“Of course.”  Janeway hesitated before she eased herself over his thighs and wrapped her arms around him, pressing his head, gently, against her chest.  They were silent for a moment.  The only sounds, besides the ambient hum of the ship, were Chakotay’s shaky breaths.  After a while he looked up at her and she down at him.  He let her wipe the streaks from his face with her sleeve.  

“I never meant to hurt you, Kathryn.  You have to know that.”  

“I know.”  

“You’re still hurt.” he concluded.  She was quiet as she looked him over, need in her eyes, sweat on her tortured brow.

“Yes.”  she sighed.  “It doesn’t make what I’ve done here right---and I forgave you long ago.”

“Then why?” he asked.  Catherine rolled her eyes, embarrassed.  

“I thought it would intensify the emotion of the game if it were real.. I thought you’d want...”  then she stopped, in thought, and closed her lids.  A reprimanding expression came across her face.  “No.” she shook her head, sternly.  “That’s not entirely true.  No, some part of me wanted the personal satisfaction of bringing it here.”  Chakotay was calm now, listening intently.  “...And I took it at your expense.”  She opened her eyes and looked into his.  “I am sorry, Chakotay.  You don’t have to forgive me, just know that I am.”  Chakotay looked down, thinking.

“I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I need you to understand.”  The Captain stared at him intently, softly.  “Seska used to play a lot of mind games with me.  I suppose she still does.  It was impossible to tell if she was lying or not, and I was constantly trying to fix whatever was wrong...”  He looked as if he had needed to say more, but his voice simply trailed off.  The Captain rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes in shame.  “If you’re upset with me, tell me.” he whispered,  “Scream at me if you need to just not... here.”  Janeway leaned back.  

“Of course.  I understand.”  The two smiled, meekly, at each other.  Slowly, they leaned into each other’s mutual hurt and shared a bitter, but much needed, kiss.  The Captain still felt very ashamed.  “Is there anything I can do to make the evening up to you?” she smiled, half-heartedly.  “Do you want me to untie you now?”  Chakotay smiled to himself.  

“I won’t lie.  The initial offer of you ... doing anything you want was not unattractive.”  

“It’s just---I can’t... I won’t get off to your hatred, Kathryn.  For my own emotional well being---I need your love.”  The sentence lingered there between them, vulnerable and sincere, and the captain’s heart melted from it.  Sighing internally, she leaned down and kissed him again, claiming his mouth with her own.

“You always have it, my friend.”