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“I’m the most macho man in the world. I’m the manliest man ever. I lift weights in my sleep and eat raw meat for breakfast. My biceps have biceps,” Oikawa boasts in the deepest voice he can manage before falling into fits of laughter. Makki and Mattsun are in tears.

“No no no, you’re doing it all wrong. You have to sound annoyed and slightly constipated,” Makki comments between his breathless tittering.

Oikawa tries again, this time scrunching up his nose and adding a miffed lilt to his voice.

Mattsun is curled up in the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“That,” Makki pauses to gasp for air,“oh my god that’s incredible. Spot on.”

Oikawa bows jokingly. Both Mattsun and Makki are clapping.

Iwaizumi is not amused.

“Oh, c’mon Iwa-chan, you know that was a great impression of you. I even complimented your biceps!” Oikawa chirps.

“My biceps do not have biceps, and I don’t eat raw meat for breakfast, that’s gross and unhealthy,” Iwaizumi clarifies angrily, making the others laugh harder because he sounds exactly like Oikawa’s impersonation of him. His frown deepens.

“I need new friends,” he sighs, glaring at the others as they begin to settle down. Mattsun is the first to speak.

“You should do an impersonation of Oikawa, then.”

“No, that’s not necessary let’s just-” Oikawa begins but is cut off by a wickedly smiling Iwaizumi.

“Sounds fun.”

Oikawa stares at him with wide eyes.

“Iwa-chan, you don’t have to-”

“Ah, but I want to,” Iwaizumi gloats triumphantly, cracking his knuckles in false preparation. Mattsun and Makki hold their breath in anticipation. Oikawa huffs in annoyance.

Iwaizumi is radiating satisfaction.

“Yahoo, Tobio-chan~,” Iwaizumi squeaks with falsely sweet inflection. Makki and Mattsun snigger quietly as he continues.

“Iwa-chan? Can I feel your muscles? They’re so big. I wish I had some kind of muscle instead of my tiny noodle arms. They’re so flimsy, Iwa-chan, how can I even serve a volleyball with my hanger arm-” Iwaizumi is cut off by Oikawa screaming indignantly.

“Mean, Iwa-chan! So mean!”

“Mean, Iwa-chan,” Iwaizumi mocks, reveling in Oikawa’s answering frustrated whine.

Makki is wheezing, hand on his chest as he gasps for air.

Mattsun may have blacked out.


 

“Did your darling Iwa-chan ditch you today?” Mattsun teases as they leave the club room. Oikawa rolls his eyes but nods.

“He said he had to babysit his little cousin and needed to get there within the next week,” Oikawa grumbles, grimacing at the floor.

“In other words, he didn’t want your whiny ass slowing him down and dragging him all over town like usual?” Makki interjects, Oikawa glowering at him in return. He has a point.

“Or maybe he just can’t handle being around this much perfection without feeling bad about himself,” Oikawa quips. Mattsun snorts.

“Or maybe he realized you’re a selfish prick and decided to find another lover,” Makki jests, laughing when Oikawa shrieks in aggrievement.

“He’s not my lover!” Oikawa sulks, stomping away from them childishly.

“Kidding, grand king, we all know he’s too dense to ever make a move,” Mattsun amends, and Oikawa shrugs in agreement. It’s not like he’s wrong.

“True,” he sighs.

“Speaking of our favorite dense idiot, did you invite him to our practice tomorrow?” Makki asks. Oikawa shakes his head.

“I forgot to tell him. Plus I doubt he’ll go since he said he has plans this weekend,” Oikawa says. Makki and Mattsun nod their heads in unison, eyeing him with interest.

“You should ask him anyways, so he doesn’t think we’re excluding him from anything,” Makki urges, mischief clouding his features.

“I don’t think he would care if we did but whatever, I’ll text him right now… Are you guys okay?” Oikawa questions, referencing to their twitchy smiles and overly excited facial expressions. They both nod again.

“Uh.. alright. Give me a second to text him. What time should I tell him to arrive at?” Oikawa regards them warily.

“Two would be good. Is that fine?” Makki asks and Oikawa nods. “Yeah, I don’t want to be awake that early anyways.”

Oikawa pulls out his phone, fingers dancing across the keyboard as he types out the message. Once finished, Oikawa turns back to his now grinning friends. Dread fills him immediately.

"Oh no, what did you do?" Oikawa asks. He's been in this situation one too many times.

"Whatever do you mean, captain?" Makki asks, a false sense of sweetness dripping from his voice. Oikawa mentally curses himself.

"I swear to god, if you idiots-" Oikawa's phone buzzes in his hands. His eyes widen in horror.

"Oh no," he groans.

"Oh yes," they say.

Oikawa opens his messages. A small white text box appears showing that Iwaizumi replied to his message. Oikawa is currently planning how much money it would take to flee to another country.

A simple three word text shines on the screen.

>>> From Iwa-chan: what the fuck?

Oikawa takes a deep calming breath before scrolling up.

>>> From Oikawa: Iwa-chan, wanna fuck tomorrow at 2?

Oikawa buries his face into the thin fabric of his sweater.

"You guys have five seconds to answer this before I kick both of your asses, but which one of you changed the word 'practice' to 'fuck' in my phone?"

Matsukawa shrugs noncommittally while Hanamaki bursts into a fit of giggles.

"Tsk tsk, Oikawa. Don't schedule naughty things when you know we're gonna practice at that time. Shameful, honestly," Makki teases. Oikawa narrows his eyes before looking at Mattsun.

"Makki once used your toothbrush to clean dog shit off of his shoe," Oikawa announces.

Mattsun stops laughing immediately.

"You did what?!?"


 

It's practice the next day and all three of them are wondering if Iwaizumi will show up. Oikawa claims that he will explain what happened yesterday to him in person so it's more believable. Makki points out that it's useless if he never arrives. 

Makki and Mattsun are starting to regret their decision.

Oikawa deleted the shortcut so he wouldn't end up texting his mom that he would be home late due to volleyball fuck. 

The gym is too quiet without Iwaizumi yelling at Oikawa for slacking off or staring at his reflection in the window. Practice carries on almost silently until the clock strikes three. 

The gym doors fly open as a breathless Iwaizumi steps in. Everything is quiet for a few moments until Iwaizumi speaks. 

"Can I at least take you out on a date first?"

Oikawa faints.