“It’s been a week, where’s the General.”
Kylo burst into the meeting room, the doors having been pried apart by the Force and buckling against the wall. Inside, Captain Phasma, a small group of Stormtroopers, Lieutenant Mitaka and a handful of higher ranking officers sat around a conference table. Mitaka looked terrified, as he usually did when Kylo was present, and Phasma gave off an aura of irritation as she sighed.
Kylo was also irritated. General Hux had gone on an away mission, some sort of covert, quiet thing that was kept hushed up by the Finalizer’s senior staff. Kylo had not paid it much mind, but now that it had been days without word from Hux, he was starting to worry. He had a feeling whatever his mission was, he would have at least taken the time to keep the crew updated on his progress and sent of regular reports. This level of silence from Hux was incredibly unusual.
“We were just discussing that, Lord Ren. It is under control, we will be sending a strike team to retrieve him as soon as we have more thorough intelligence on the situation,” replied Phasma, “In the meantime, we are trying to keep this quiet.”
“So he’s been captured,” said Kylo with a slight scoff, “I should have known he was no good in the field.”
“They didn’t even get to the field. Their shuttle was hit by an EMP before we lost track of its black box,” said Mitaka, slightly defensive.
“But we’ve found him and we’re devising a strategy to retrieve him. I trust we will return him to the Finalizer within the next thirty-six hours,” said Phasma calmly.
“Who captured him? Resistance? New Republic? Kanjiklub?” asked Kylo.
Mitaka and Phasma exchanged a look. They could not communicate with the Force, but Kylo, reading Mitaka’s expression, devised they were silently arguing over who would deliver the news. Finally Phasma sighed and explained, “We’ve tracked him to a brothel.”
Kylo groaned and rolled his eyes, “Lazy bastard’s been living it up while I’ve been-”
“Sir, you don’t understand…he’s not visiting the brothel,” said Phasma.
“Oh…Oh…” said Kylo slowly as the reality of the situation slammed into him like a small projectile missile.
“As far as our spies have been able to determine, he has not been identified, and is slated to be sold as a…pleasure slave,” said Phasma, the word sliding through her vocalizer with intense ire and loathing.
Kylo paused before replying, “Oh, he’ll be fine then.”
Mitaka’s jaw dropped before he let out a slightly squeaky, “Sir?”
“Yeah, no big deal then, he’ll be fine,” said Kylo flippantly.
The knight recalled a moment from his youth, sitting by the hearth with his…male parental figure…as he recalled tales from what had been dubbed, ‘the good old days.’ The man had taken Kylo, then called by another name, upon his knee and recalled the story of how he and his…female parental figure…had been captured and held against their will at the palace of the sinister Jabba the Hutt. Kylo recalled staring in awe and rapture as the man told the now familiar story, though the details seemed to change slightly every time.
“And then your mom was taken as a pleasure slave and-”
“Dad, what’s a pleasure slave?”
“Oh no, you dug this hole flyboy, you dig yourself out.”
“Well it’s…it’s when a pretty lady, usually a lady, gets captured. Then they make her wear pretty clothes and she sometimes has to dance.”
“…phew…well, alright, as I was saying-”
So if his childhood memory was correct, Hux would be fine. He was not exactly what Kylo would have pegged as pleasure slave material. Did Hux even know how to dance? Maybe he was getting lessons right now. Probably dressed in one of those pretty outfits as well. They looked a bit skimpy, and Hux would probably be furious at that, but it was pretty harmless all things considered.
“And why exactly do you think he’ll be fine?” asked Phasma heatedly.
“It’s not like he’s being kept as a sex slave,” said Kylo.
Mitaka’s jaw finally succeeded in dropping as Phasma growled out, “Lord Ren, pleasure slaves are sex slaves.”
Kylo crossed his arms, “No they’re not! I have it on very good authority that those are two completely different things.”
“Well if they aren’t sex slaves, why are they being sold at a brothel?” asked Phasma.
“Because…because…they’re pretty? They attract attention,” said Kylo, still convinced that he knew exactly what a pleasure slave was.
“Lord Ren, if you bought an attractive man or woman for purposes of entertainment, what does that imply? Just put one and two together so you can spare us all this awkward nonsense,” pleaded Phasma.
Kylo stood for a moment. But…if pleasure slaves were sex slaves than…than…
Kylo slammed his hands down on the conference table, “That bastard lied to my eight year old face! And…holy shit my mom! Oh my god! Jabba wanted to do my mom! Oh my god! Oh my god!”
“What?” asked Mitaka worriedly.
“Nothing! None of your business!” snapped Kylo. He rounded on Phasma, “So you’re all just sitting here while the General is being…probably…you know…”
Kylo made several wild hand gestures to illustrate his point and Phasma sighed, “We’re just waiting on intel so we can send a strike force without endangering the General’s life.”
“Well I’m not going to just sit around and do nothing! I’m going to rescue him!” declared Kylo.
“Sir, just wait for intelligence to-”
“Absolutely not!” exclaimed Ren, turning so quickly that his cape snapped and fluttered behind him, “I have to save Hux! I know how this trope works!”
Kylo dashed through the still demolished blast doors. There was a moment of silence before Mitaka quietly looked over at Phasma and asked, “Trope?”
“I have no idea…” groaned the Captain.
Sitting in a cage was a new experience, and not one that Hux cared to ever have to repeat.
His resistance had forced his captors to become creative, to say the very least. While other captives of a similar designation were being kept in fine, delicate, ornamented cages, Hux’s was a latticed crate made to withstand all of the punishment his admittedly fine and slimly build body could dish out. The collar at his throat had two chains attached, one, presumably, so he could be led around, while the other was attached to a wall just behind his crate.
Hux overheard his captors referring to the second chain as a ‘very necessary addition,’ and was slightly proud of his ability to terrorize the slavers. As an officer, he had been taught that in the event of capture, it was his duty to cause as much trouble for them as he could, putting a strain on their resources and forcing them to allocate men from the front lines to deal with him, and, should an opportunity present itself, it was his duty to escape. Such an opportunity had not arisen yet, but in the meantime, Hux had managed to break the limbs of one guard, bite the fingers off of another, and terrorize the staff who colloquially referred to him as ‘Red.’
He had been so troublesome that they were going to change his designation. Upon capture and being hauled off the shuttle, he and his men had been sorted. Hux, deemed too thin and frail for hard labour or fighting in an arena, had been separated from the rest of his crew. Upon hearing what his captors had planned for him, he had been livid, but even all his fighting had not been enough to sway their decision. He had fought so much they had to cut his tactical gear off of him. He had fought so hard that it took a total of five people to get a collar on him. They were barely able to press a high powered magnet to his tracker to disable it. And yet still, after all of that, it had taken a week for his captors to decide Hux was more trouble than he was worth.
They were probably going to send him off wherever they had sent the rest of his men. Just as well. If other slaves were not valued as highly, they would have less people guarding them. With a handful of well-trained individuals and a decent strategy, Hux was confident he would have little trouble staging a riot and escaping this place. The paperwork on him was being processed, and as soon as that was finished, Hux could leave his cage for good. Just a few more hours and then-
Hux glanced up at a Besalisk male who pointed a thick finger in the direction of his crate. The General, who had been sitting on the floor with his arms and legs crossed to preserve the last shrivelled and dying shreds of his modesty craned his head slightly to get a better look at what he was pointing to. He could not possibly be pointing to-
“The Human. That one.”
Letting out a groan Hux leaned against the back of his crate and glanced at the slave next to him. He held up his finger and thumb, keeping them just a hair’s breadth apart, “I was this close. This close.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but don’t talk to me, you’re crazy,” the slave replied.
Kylo was used to thinking of his parental figures and feeling flashes of betrayal, but this had reached an all new extreme. Being heavily sheltered by his training, he relied heavily on his childhood memories for knowledge on how the world beyond temples and training worked. When those memories turned out to be wrong or flawed, it resulted in several rude awakenings. Corndogs not being made from neither corn nor dogs was a particularly horrifying revelation.
He discovered, after finally leaving the trappings of temples and an adult life that consisted of nothing but training and meditation behind him, that ninety-five percent of the words that came out of Han Solo’s mouth were bullshit. The man had made up all sorts of absurd excuses and explanations for things that Kylo never got the opportunity to question. Milk was blue because it was made from moisture in the sky which was also blue. Babies came from magical cabbages laid by storks. If he screamed at his mother then somewhere, somehow, it would turn a puppy into a corndog. The list went on, and each example had an equally humiliating story to go along with it when Kylo found himself needing to be corrected.
And now there was this wonderful mess. Pleasure slaves were, in fact, sex slaves, not dancers who wore pretty outfits. His mother had, albeit briefly, been captured and forced to become a pleasure slave in Jabba’s Palace. Jabba the Hutt had likely had plans to do his mom and that was just…
Kylo groaned against the controls of his assault ship and tried not to think about it. Right now, Hux was in danger of being bought by some depraved maniac and subjected to terrors beyond his most intense nightmares. Did Hux know what foul horrors awaited him? Had he spent the last week with his soul being crushed by the dread of knowing exactly what was going to happen to him? Where was he now? Probably alone, curled up in a cell or cage, trying to keep up a stoic façade to mask the fear that was bubbling through his nerves. Afraid and anxious. They had probably taken all of his weapons and tactical gear away as well, leaving him cold and all alone in…
Kylo then experienced the most extreme guilt he had ever felt over a boner in his life.
“Sir, normally we would never dream of denying or dissuading our clients, but in this particular case I really do think you may wish to reconsider. We gave him enough sedative to knock out a Bantha and he was still moving. Not well, but he was moving. We’re fairly certain he doesn’t sleep either.”
Hux sat back in his crate as the person he assumed was the proprietor, a white Twi’leki male in showy robes, tried to talk the Besalisk male out of buying him. He kept his arms crossed, drumming his fingers against his arm as he watched the proceedings with distaste. The Besalisk occasionally glanced down at him, and Hux did nothing to mask his contempt for the large four armed creature in front of him.
“You are a valued customer and we would not want him causing any…permanent, irreversible damage. Just a few days ago he put a guard in intensive care when he was having his legs waxed. It took five of our best to keep him pinned down…”
That statement caused a new scowl to settle across his lips. Hux glanced down at his legs, still crossed at the knees and grimaced at the hairlessness. It felt strange. It looked strange. He was very upset that after all his trouble he had only put one guard into intensive care. He felt certain he ought to have done better than that.
“We’re in the process of having his designation changed. And besides we have a new shipment that you haven’t even-”
“No,” interrupted the Besalisk, jabbing a finger in Hux’s direction, “That one. I’ll pay you double.”
The Twi’lek’s eyes widened at that and he began to change his mind, “Yes, very well, we’ll just have a…a waiver, drawn up.” Without stopping he began snapping his fingers at someone Hux assumed was an assistant of some sort, “Just so it’s explicitly clear that we did, in fact, warn you. Then with that done the arrangement can be finalized.”
“Good,” said the Besalisk, peering into Hux’s crate, “Let’s have a look at him.”
The Twi’lek looked about for spare guards fretfully and Hux smirked. He had taken pains to make sure everyone dreaded removing him from his crate. A pair of guards, Hux did not know or care what they were, hesitantly approached his crate and began to play a game to decide which of them would drag him out. They shook their fists three times before each one made a hand gesture. The one who left his as a fist appeared to have lost to the one who opened his hand to hold it out flat. The winner gave the loser a sympathetic glance before taking a step back and readying a pair of handcuffs.
The guard who had lost slowly began to undo the latch on Hux’s crate and called to him in a soft nervous voice, “Come here Red…be a good boy. The nice man wants to look at you.”
Hux shifted slightly before settling back against the wall and crossing his arms more firmly, “No.”
The guard practically whimpered before begging, “Come on, please?”
Hux glanced over at the cage next to him and jerked his thumb at the guard, “I guess they can be polite if you smack them around enough.”
“Don’t talk to me, don’t make me a part of this, you are crazy,” came the hushed reply.
“Just be good and come out, Red,” said the guard, trying to speak sweetly, “The nice man will take you home and you won’t have to live in a cage anymore. Won’t that be nice?”
Hux cocked his brow, “Is that what you say to everyone?”
“Well…yeah, usually,” admitted the guard.
“And does it work?” continued Hux.
“Uh…usually,” replied the guard.
“What happens if it doesn’t work?” asked Hux.
“Typically we drag them out but you…sort of put Steev in intensive and I’m two weeks from retirement and please come out of the crate nicely?” begged the guard.
“Oh, so you’ve lived a long, full life doing this,” said Hux sarcastically, taking hold of the chain around his neck, bracing himself for it to be grabbed, “Well I feel like sitting down, so go on, drag me out.”
The guard cringed and opened the crate.
Kylo burst heroically through the doors. Also he was very shredded and sexy and handsome. Also he was smouldering.
He had arrived just in time. The General was being hauled off in the arms of a big, burly, Gamorrean. Hux cried out timidly as he was being dragged away, “Oh no! Whatever shall I do? Won’t anyone come and rescue me?”
“I will save you!” Kylo declared.
Hux looked up, now hopeful, and their eyes met from across the room, and they knew. When this was over, they would bone.
Then the dastardly, evil Madam Hutt who owned the brothel appeared, adjusting her evil monocle and twirling her evil mustache. She laughed evilly, “You’ll never get past my amazing evil guards of doom!”
“Oh no!” cried Hux, going into a swoon, “Kylo save yourself!”
“I won’t leave you Hux! I will never let go!” cried Kylo, with emotional penny-whistle music playing in the background.
Then epic music began to play and everything went into slow motion as Kylo cut down guard after guard, each kill more amazing and cool and awesome than the last. The last one even had an explosion, which Kylo walked away from like a badass.
The evil Madam Hutt shook her fists at the heavens, “Curses! Foiled again! He’s just too amazing and attractive and also definitely has an eight-pack! We had no chance!”
Kylo stabbed her with his lightsaber and she exploded. Some doves flew in front of the explosion. It was very cool and not lame.
“Oh Kylo!” cried Hux, once again swooning.
“Yes, I have rescued you, and now we will have the sex,” said Kylo smoulderingly.
Hux fell into his arms with a sigh, hand tossed elegantly over his forehead as he let out a forlorn cry, “I thought nobody would rescue me! I thought it was beyond hope! But you appeared and were so sexy and manly and definitely not an outrageous man-child like I am always saying because I am very, very wrong you are perfect and let’s bone. Immediately. Now. I can’t wait.”
Kylo leaned in sexily, “Then I will leave my cape on.”
Darth Vader’s ghost appeared and shed a single manly tear.
And then they had the sex and it was amazing.
Kylo nodded to himself, “Yeah, that’s totally how it’s going to go down.”
“I can’t believe he did that to Her-Ald,” said the guard, completely horrified, “He was just two weeks from retirement!”
Hux sat smugly in his crate, covered in red, particularly around his mouth, very satisfied with what he had accomplished.
The Twi’lek tittered nervously, “This is…what he does. I trust that now that you’ve seen…what he does…you may reconsider-”
“No, the offer stands,” said the Besalisk adamantly. Hux was starting to become concerned with the glint that started to creep into his eye. That could not have been good. His suspicions were confirmed when he added, “He’ll survive…probably.”
Hux arched his brow, “Come again?”
“These weak, simpering things never last. I’ve been wanting one with a bit more fight,” said the Besalisk.
Hux glared up at him. His mind was only forming two coherent words despite his outwardly angered appearance. Those words were ‘Oh’ and ‘Shit.’
“Well this is a lovely mess we seemed to have gotten ourselves into,” Hux admitted to the slave in the cage next to him.
“Don’t say ‘we,’ there is no ‘we.’ There is only you, and you are crazy,” came the hurried reply.
“Bring him out then,” said the Besalisk.
The guard cringed as he approached the crate, “N-Now Red…what you did wasn’t very nice. It would be much appreciated if you didn’t do that again.”
Hux gripped his chain and glared up at him, “Try me.”
The guard opened the latch on the crate and inched the door open. He beckoned with his fingers slowly, “C-Come on Red, come here…”
“No,” said Hux.
“We’ll give you a cookie,” offered the guard.
“Oh! A Cookie! Well that makes all the difference in the galaxy, doesn’t it?” raved Hux, “No I don’t want your cookie!”
“I don’t actually have one…” admitted the guard quietly.
“Are we really having this conversation right now? Really? This is what my life has become?” Hux rambled to himself, “Yes, yes, come out of the cage for fake cookies, wonderful, just wonderful.”
“Are you going to have him out or not?” demanded the Besalisk.
In a few seconds, in which Hux found it very difficult to observe what was happening, the Besalisk had moved forward, seized his chain and then he discovered he was nearly flying from his place on the floor. His reflexes barely saved him from slamming his head into the top of the crate, which was a touch too small to accommodate his height, before the chain that connected to the wall was pulled taunt, allowing him to go no further.
Hux looked about before settling the being now holding his chain. From his position on the floor he had not quite realized that this thing was a solid foot taller than he was, and a good deal wider. He was so stunned he barely noticed his hands being cuffed behind his back.
The General called back behind him, “This has taken quite the unexpected turn hasn’t it?”
“Stop involving me!”
Kylo burst into the room and there was an explosion behind him but he did not look at it because he was so awesome and cool and very shredded. Also he was smouldering. There was actually smoke.
Hux was about to be ravished by the evil Madam Hutt who was so evil she had a mustache and of course all evil people have mustaches shut up okay! Hux swooned and cried out pitifully, “Oh help I am being ravished because all my training was from simulations and why didn’t I get a clone army like Kylo said because he is so brave and smart and shredded!”
“Mwahaha! No one can save you now my pretty!” said the evil Madam Hutt.
“I will save you!” shouted Kylo, and he was so awesome there was another explosion. Just from his awesomeness. The explosion was in the shape of a t-rex.
“Oh Kylo! It’s too dangerous!” cried Hux, “Not even your magical abs will be able to help you!”
“Yes! None can stand up to my army of evil possum-people!” laughed the evil Madam Hutt, adjusting her top hat and monocle of doom. “They have been specially trained to withstand the power of your magical eight-pack!”
“We will see what my abs can or can’t withstand!” Kylo said very heroically.
Hux sighed breathlessly as the evil Madam Hutt cackled, “Get him my minions! Destroy him! Mwahahaha!”
The evil possum-people charged. Kylo stood his ground and stared down at them. As they raised their evil possum weapons he began to unfasten his belt dramatically. Then everything went into slow motion and a Simple Plan power anthem began to play in the background. He lifted his shirt very dramatically to reveal his glorious magical eight-pack. The evil possum-people looked upon it and shrieked. Then they exploded. The explosions were shaped like monster-trucks.
Then Kylo Ren used the Force to make the smoke monster-trucks real. Someone yelled out, “That’s not how the Force works!” But he was a bag of dicks and exploded. His explosion did not have a cool shape. Then Kylo drove the monster truck because he was so amazing he automatically knew how to drive it even though it was a stick shift.
The engine roared as he ran over the evil Madam Hutt. As Kylo descended from his mighty monster-truck he heard her death-rattle, “Curses! Foiled again! Kylo Ren was just too magnificent! We never stood a chance.
Then she exploded. The explosion was shaped like a rock guitar and an awesome riff played as it blinked out of existence.
“Oh Kylo!” cried Hux as he swooned, “You are so brave and manly and you rescued me because I am pathetic and you are not even though I always call you that!”
Kylo caught Hux before he fainted and held the General’s shivering, quaking, quivering form which was also shaking, quavering and shuddering while it trembled, juddered and rocked in Kylo’s manly, smouldering arms which had actual smoke coming off of them. Hux looked up at him sexily. He was soft and yielding and supple and also he was smooth and silky and velvety while also very tender and sensitive. They looked into each other’s eyes and knew, they would bone.
“Oh Kylo, do the sex to me with your massive penis!” pleaded Hux, “Right now!”
Kylo looked at Hux smoulderingly but he was not actually smoking this time, “Then I will leave my cape on.”
Then Darth Vader’s ghost appeared and gave Kylo Ren a thumbs up while shedding a single manly tear.
Then they had the sex and it was amazing and beautiful.
Kylo nodded to himself, “Yeah, that’s way better than what I came up with the first time. That’s totally how it’ll go down.”
“I’ve never seen a Human with spots before. I’ll call you Spot,” said the Besalisk.
“They’re not spots,” growled Hux.
Evidently it was taking some time to write up that waiver, leaving Hux to stand, still chained up, in a ridiculous, skimpy slave outfit, occasionally growling his displeasure or back-sassing whoever happened to speak to him. Between the two chains he was stuck with this disgusting four-armed sentient prodding at the dusting of freckles on his arms.
“Look like spots to me,” he replied, jabbing at a particularly dark one near Hux’s elbow.
A chain between his ankles prevented Hux from kicking. Otherwise he would have had this thing that was poking him on the ground in an instant.
“Hair’s a bit short isn’t it?” the Besalisk called to the proprietor.
“He was a very new addition, ex-First Order by the look of what he was wearing. His hair will grow out,” the Twi’lek assured him. Hux glared and the proprietor squeaked and shrank back.
“There’s no ‘ex,’” growled Hux, “I am First Order.”
“That’s it, get yourself nice and worked up for me,” purred the Besalisk.
Hux paused, blinked, then turned his attention back to the Besalisk. He stared up at him, teeth bared, brow arched as he hissed out in quiet, well contained fury, “What?”
“I like it when they fight,” he replied, giving Hux’s chain an emphatic tug.
Hux paused once again to process what he had heard before he spoke. “Alright, first of all, UGH!” cried Hux, giving a shudder and nearly gagging, “Second of all, WHAT!?”
“I get tired of these weak, simpering things. I need something a little less breakable,” the Besalisk continued, “Hopefully you last longer than the others.”
Hux glowered, “I think you’re deplorable, and I kill people for a living.”
“D-Do try not to get him too worked up. Until you sign the waiver we are still liable for any damage and or dismemberment he causes,” said the Twi’lek nervously, “If you don’t mind we would very much like to sedate him while he’s out of his cage.”
“Try it,” snarled Hux, “I dare you.”
“Oh, that won’t be necessary…” said the Besalisk slightly hungrily, trailing a finger down Hux’s arm.
“God damn it you were meant to be deterred by that!” snapped Hux, “Stop being depraved you unspeakable pervert!”
“We would all feel much more comfortable if you sedated him,” said the Twi’lek.
“I don’t know which of you to dissuade more. You’re against selling me, you’re against drugging me, can’t we compromise? Here’s a thought, don’t drug me or sell me. Everyone wins,” suggested Hux sarcastically.
“It has a sense of humor.” The Besalisk sounded pleased.
Hux snarled at him, “Excuse me?”
“Please just let me drug him before he seriously injures someone else,” pleaded the proprietor, “Once you get him home what you do with him is your business but for now, he has nearly killed two people.”
“People? If your guards are people than what does that make me, exactly?” growled Hux. The Besalisk looked ready to respond when Hux cut him off, “Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical you gargantuan imbecile.”
“A toy, a plaything, and with any luck you’ll prove to be a durable one. Others just haven’t quite been able to withstand what I put them through, but I have very high hopes for you, Spot,” said the Besalisk, looking over Hux admiringly.
Hux glanced over his shoulder at the other slave, “I don’t say this often, but I really hate my life right now.”
“Stop talking to me! You are crazy!”
Kylo burst through the door heroically while he smouldered in an equally heroic way.
Hux was tied to a set of railroad tracks which were inexplicably in the middle of the brothel as the evil Madam Hutt twirled her mustache maniacally. She adjusted her evil bowtie, and wicked top hat and monocle of doom.
Hux swooned and cried out, “Oh help me! Save me Kylo! You are so much more strong and handsome and capable than I am and definitely not an overgrown child like I am always saying!”
“Mwahaha! Prepare yourself my pretty! The twelve o’clock train is about to come rushing past!” exclaimed the evil Madam Hutt.
“Oh no!” wailed Hux, “Somebody save me!”
“I will save you!” declared Kylo dashingly. There was a trumpet fanfare and doves and somewhere his heroicness had cured cancer. Also there was an explosion. It was a mushroom cloud because they are not a cool shape but still pretty awesome.
As Kylo charged forward bravely, his and Hux’s eyes met. And they knew when this was over, they would bone.
“Not so fast Kylo Ren!” snapped the evil Madam Hutt, “First you must face my evil army of caterpillar-people and their leader the Dark Lord Caterpillius! His soul was raised from caterpillar hell, fueled by the rage and hate of all the caterpillars who never became butterflies and were called nerds because they had to crawl everywhere and it was very inefficient. You will not be able to withstand his malice!”
“I will defeat them and do the sex with Hux!” proclaimed Kylo, “And I will totally top.”
“Oh yes! Top me Kylo! Do the sex to me with your massive penis!” cried Hux, blushing and squirming on the railroad tracks where he was still tied up.
“But first I must rescue you!” said Kylo determinedly.
He charged forward, as did the evil army of the Dark Lord Caterpillius. They flailed their little caterpillar limbs wildly as the train whistled in the background. Hux swooned. There wasn’t much time. He swung his mighty lightsaber which is totally cool with its cross-guard and not lame. He carved them up, each one more amazing and cool than the last as they exploded. The explosions were shaped like dragons. Finally he faced the Dark Caterpillar Lord, and Kylo was so awesome that he spontaneously combusted.
“Oh no, Kylo!” cried Hux, “The train!”
Kylo dashed in front of the train as it sped towards Hux who was still tied to the railroad tracks. He was not afraid. He was far too brave and heroic. He lifted his shirt to reveal his amazingly sculpted abs which are totally real and not made-up. He stood heroically braced, hands on his hips as the train collided with his abs. It crumpled against them and exploded. The explosion was shaped like his grandfather’s approval.
Such a humiliating defeat was too much for the evil Madam Hutt. She began to melt as Kylo’s awesomeness radiated through the room, “Curses! Foiled again! I never should have dreamed I could defeat Kylo Ren! He’s too magnificent and his penis is too massive! We never stood a chance!”
“Oh, Kylo!” cried Hux with a graceful swoon. It was impressive considering he was still tied tightly to the railroad tracks.
Kylo began to untie him. Hux was very pretty and delicate and also very graceful and foxy as he pleasingly appeared to be very captivating and alluring and enthralling and seductively stunning. He was a dreamboat. And also very flushed which made Kylo think he might also be into some pretty kinky shit, which he was totally down for.
Then Darth Vader’s ghost flew a biplane overhead and spelled out the words, ‘I love you Kylo.’ He shed a single manly tear.
Kylo pulled Hux’s shivering, slender body close to his own and Hux swooned because Kylo was so awesome and manly. He was giddy and tittered nervously, “Oh Kylo, I am so happy we are going to do the sex.”
“Yes, it pleases me as well,” said Kylo in a deep, manly voice.
“Thank you for saving me in such a timely fashion.”
Kylo started as the fantasy shattered into tiny pieces around him. Timely…time…week…
“Holy shit it’s been a week!” yelped Kylo, “Anything could have happened!”
He had been going fast before, but now seemed like a good time to floor it.
“I’m coming Hux! I’ll save you!”
The Besalisk ‘booped’ Hux’s nose. Hux tried to bite him. This had been going on for the past five minutes and Hux was getting quite sick of it.
“I swear when I get my teeth on that finger, it’s coming off,” Hux grumbled to himself.
“Good, keep yourself nice and fired up for me,” said the Besalisk.
“You are the most disgusting person I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering,” Hux growled.
“I should have expected as much from a First Order Human with your racial superiority complex,” noted the Besalisk.
“Well if you’re looking to change my opinion on Non-Human Sentients, none of this-” said Hux, pausing to gesture around the room by twisting his head about, “-is helping. Except for you, back there. I don’t mind you, you’re good company.”
“Oh my god, stop! I just want to be bought by someone who might treat me nice and get me out of here and I do not want to be associated with you and your crazy murdering habits!” the other slave called to Hux.
“Here’s the waiver, all finished and very legally binding,” said the Twi’lek proprietor, handing the forms and a pen to a Besalisk, “Just sign and he’ll be your proble- er, property, and your responsibility to keep under control while on the premises. Might I again suggest a sedative? You don’t have to give him the whole thing, maybe just half to take a bit of the edge off of him?”
The Besalisk pushed Hux back, giving the chains just enough slack to spin him around. Two large, incredibly sweaty hands held him in place by the shoulders, while another hand held the papers up to his back. Hux felt the point of a pen digging into his back as the Besalisk signed the form. Hux groaned, “This just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”
Hux felt the papers being lifted from his back and he was spun back around. The proprietor motioned to the guard, “Well, I guess someone needs to disconnect him from the wall…”
Hux grinned at the guard, who let out a slight whimper in protest before moving forward, “Okay Red, I’m just going to take that off of you so the nice man can take you home…please don’t try to kill me.”
“Why would I ever dream of doing that? You’re only selling me to a depraved, possibly homicidal maniac,” sighed Hux facetiously.
“Technically we’ve already sold you,” corrected the guard as he approached cautiously.
“Oh, goodie…” groaned Hux.
“Now j-just be good and let me get that off of you,” said the guard, inching closer and holding out the key.
Hux felt a jerk and a snap before the deadweight of a piece of chain hit him between the shoulder blades and hung lifelessly from the collar. Hux slowly turned and saw the Besalisk drop the end of the chain he had snapped with his bare hands. He grinned a Hux, who began to mentally chant an entire mantra of explicatives to himself.
“B-be sure to hold his chain tightly. He is of course yours to do with as you please but we would prefer it if he was not turned loose to…do what he seems to do best,” said the Twi’lek.
Hux felt himself being jerked forward as he was pressed against the large, warm, very sweaty body. A sticky arm wrapped itself around his shoulders and Hux let out a cry of disgust, “At least wipe that thing off first!”
The hand left his shoulder only to run down his back, leaving a slick trail as it went. Hux went rigid before turning his head up and snarling, “I didn’t mean on me!”
Two large arms wrapped themselves around him, one across his shoulders and the other around his waist. Hux cringed, “Your pits are even worse…I didn’t think it was possible for anything to top your disgusting hands and yet, here we are.”
“Then if you’re ready we can finalize the purchase,” said the Twi’lek.
Hux shoved his boney shoulder against the Besalisk, “Well, you don’t need me for that, I suppose. I don’t think my signature counts for much at this point.”
The proprietor gave Hux a slightly awkward look before explaining, “No, Red, he’s going to finalize the purchase with you.”
Hux waiting quietly as his brain quickly clicked all of the information into place before exclaiming, “Now!? Here!?”
“Oh goodness, no, we have private rooms for that,” said the Twi’lek, slightly affronted, “Best to have them do it here so clients can’t try to return their purchases due to previously unknown deficiencies.”
“How efficient of you,” groaned Hux, “I can’t say I never imagined I would die in captivity. I knew that was always a possibility, but the brothel was an interesting twist!”
“Don’t tell me you’ve lost your spirit now,” said the Besalisk, squeezing Hux closer.
Hux gagged at the smell of his awful body odor, “I hate you and I hope you die horribly.”
Outside the brothel, a pair of guards, Jey-free and Rojer stood sentry. Jey-free munched on a bit of orange rind while Rojer stared into the distance. Far off in the landing dock they could see a black clad figure waving something red aloft, as he barreled towards the entrance. He could have sworn he heard drums playing in time to the figure’s desperate charge. Rojer cocked his head to the side and nudged his neighbour, “Do you see that?”
Jey-free glanced up and saw the black clad figure, still off in the distance charging towards the brothel, “Mhmm.”
The two watched the black clad figure, who never seemed to close the distance between them as he continued to run, drums playing in the distance.
Rojer glanced down to check his time-piece. The guy had to have been running for at least three minutes and never seemed to get any closer. Yes, about three minutes seemed right. He glanced up in time to see Jey-free get impaled. The black clad figure let out a bold, “A-HA!” and then dashed inside the brothel.
Rojer barely had time to register what had happened. All he could manage was turning slightly and calling lamely after the intruder, “Hey…”
Kylo Ren dashed through the brothel stabbing everything and anyone who got in his way. In his mind trumpets were blaring as he made his heroic dash to find which part of the ship Hux was being held on. He was pretty sure this was the brothel part where the pleasure slaves were held, judging by all the naked people he seemed to find himself stabbing.
He cried out heroically as he mowed down anything that obstructed his path. He had no idea where exactly Hux was, and killing everyone in sight was not helping him accomplish this goal. Kylo briefly retracted his lightsaber and grabbed someone who looked somewhat official by the scruff of the neck. It was a Gamorean guard. He might have known.
Kylo snarled through his modulator, “Where’s Hux?”
“W-Who?” asked the guard.
Kylo cursed to himself. That was right, they had no idea who Hux was. He growled, “Skinny guy, about my height, in his thirties, red hair…scary beyond all reason?”
“O-Oh, you must mean Red,” said the guard, “He’s in one of the back rooms I think. We just sold him off to-”
“WHAT!?” shrieked Kylo, “Where’s the back room!?”
“In the back…?” squeaked the guard, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder, “Please don’t stab me…”
Kylo smashed his masked face into the guard’s. Kylo barely felt a thing, but the guard would probably not be getting up for a long time. As he ran off he heard a weak voice, “Thank you for not stabbing me…”
Kylo barreled through the halls, swinging his mighty saber with wild abandon. He had to get to Hux before it was too late! If he didn’t then surely the evil Madam Hutt who ran this place was going to do unspeakable things with the General. He ran as far back as he could and started looking for doors all the while shouting, “Hux! Where are you Hux! Don’t worry! I’ll save you!”
Finally he found a hall with a large set of doors. It did not get much more back than here. He burst through the door and shouted heroically, “I’ve come to rescue you Hu-oh! Oh…you’re…you just…wow. You crushed his skull…with your foot…and killed him…wow…”
Hux, still in what must have been his slave outfit and a set of handcuffs, stood over the fresh corpse of whoever had bought him, a big guy with four arms. The General’s foot was still firmly planted in his skull, brains and blood splattered up to Hux’s knees and leaking out on the floor. Hux was panting hard. He looked up suddenly, his face looking a little flushed as he shrugged his shoulders emphatically, “Sorry, I’m still on a bit of an adrenaline high, did you say something?”
“Nothing that bears repeating…” said Kylo quietly and slowly, “You, uh…you okay?”
“Oh, yes, fine,” said Hux, nodding his head and stepping away from the corpse, “Goodness, it’s been a while since I’ve killed someone close up like this. I have all this energy, I feel like I could run a marathon, write the next great Arkanan romance novel, build a machine capable of eating stars…”
Hux began pacing around the room making nonsensical noises and nodding to himself. Occasionally he would kick the corpse and call it a bastard before returning to his pacing. Kylo stood in the doorway watching him. Hux seemed…well he was not okay, but he didn’t seem distressed at least.
“Um, he didn’t…uh…” Kylo trailed off.
“What? No! Ugh, god no,” said Hux, “He unchained my legs to…proceed, and then I kicked him, got him on the ground and crushed his skull with my bare foot. You know, as one does.”
Kylo suddenly had the weirdest boner.
Hux turned back to the corpse and gave it a few more kicks, yelling in a strangely un-Hux-like celebratory manner, “You’re dead and I’m not! Survival of the fittest mutha-fucka!”
A really, really weird boner.
“Would you mind?” asked Hux, turning and pausing his kicking long enough to stop in front of Kylo and hold his handcuffs taunt behind his back.
“Oh! Uh, yeah, hold on a second,” said Kylo, stepping in closer to cut the chain that linked the cuffs without burning Hux. They would probably need a set of metal cutters to get the actual cuffs off. In the meantime, all Kylo could think was, “Don’t look at his ass, don’t look at his ass, don’t look at his ass, look down, look down, oh god, legs, really nice legs, shaved legs, no, bad thoughts, look up, not at his ass, oh shit, his back is really great too, oh shit, why, boner, why, I believed in you boner!”
As soon as Kylo cut the chain Hux let out a bizarre whooping noise and shook his arms out, “Ren I am just…so high right now. I want to climb a mountain! Let’s climb a mountain Ren! And then become kings of that mountain and laugh at all the peasants! I just have no idea what to do with myself…no, wait, I’ve got it. I want to blow something up. Will you help me blow up this slave ship, Ren?”
“S-Sure,” said Kylo. At this point, Hux could have asked him to take on Supreme Leader Snoke and Kylo would have done it.
“Oh, wonderful, there’s just something I’ve got to take care of first,” said Hux, moving past Kylo at a brisk, jog, “Whoo I feel high! I should kill people like this more often! I see why you do it Ren, it’s good for the soul!”
“Not as good for my soul as you.”
“…whatever, come on.”
“Hey, we’re leaving. Do you want a job?” asked Hux, peering into the cage that had been beside his crate. He had come down from his adrenaline high and was about as sane as Hux could be expected to be.
The slave, a green Twi’lek woman, looked at Hux, who was still covered in brains and several people’s blood. She then looked at Kylo, also covered in blood and carrying the telltale lightsaber of a dark Force-User and replied, “Would I be working for you two?”
“Not just us, there’s also Captain Phasma,” said Hux amiably.
“Then I’ll take my chances. You are insane,” she repeated.
Hux opened her ornate cage, “Well, you might not want to take those chances here. We’re going to blow up this ship.”
“What!?” she exclaimed.
“Yes. I’ve decided I want to blow it up. It’s generally what I do with things I think are too foul to exist, but I’ve recently learned that I very much enjoy a good skull-smashing,” replied Hux, “I’m glad I’m not so old that I’ve stopped learning new things about myself.”
“You’re going to what!?” repeated the Twi’lek slave.
“Blow this ship up,” repeated Hux, “The way I see it a couple good shots to the fuel cells and no more ship. See, I really don’t like this place and I dare say the galaxy would be better off without-”
“Are you going to evacuate first!?” she demanded.
Hux paused and looked off into space. He furrowed his brow, “I wasn’t going to.”
“But there are people on this ship just like you!” she pleaded.
“Oh no, not like me, I’m escaping,” said Hux, turning on his hell, bare feet slapping against the floor as he walked away.
“You are the craziest, most horrifying man I have ever met!” she called after him, hesitantly stepping out of her cage after making sure there were no guards to be seen, “And I’ve been a slave for years!”
Hux glanced over his shoulder at her for a moment, questioningly. He let out a soft sigh and motioned for Kylo to follow him out of the room, leaving the ex-slave girl behind. Hux turned when he got to the door, taking one last glance about the room. The cages, the slaves, and the dead bodies Kylo had heaped up during his one-man assault mission. He sighed through his nose.
As he walked out the door, Hux pulled the fire alarm. He called over the sirens, “Sure you don’t want a job?”
“Yes!” the ex-slave shouted back at him, a slight grin on her lips.
Hux shrugged, “Your loss.”
Kylo and Hux watched as the slave ship exploded. It was not in the shape of anything in particular. A number of small craft had departed. From what Kylo could gleam from Hux’s mind, he was mostly indifferent as to whether anyone had survived this or not. He had pulled an alarm, so he felt he had been more than generous, all things considered.
Kylo’s own mind was significantly more muddled. Hux was sitting next to him, the very picture of contempt, still covered in gore and wearing nothing but a skimpy metal bikini and a long loincloth. It was giving him feelings he really felt he should not be experiencing considering how Hux had wound up in said bikini. Kylo could not deny he looked really good, but the circumstances through which he came to look like that were more than dubious.
Hux looked down at his clothing, or lack thereof, in disgust, “This shuttle isn’t equipped with a ‘fresher, is it? Tell me you at least brought a spare uniform along.”
“Uh…” said Kylo, trailing off awkwardly as he began to fly away from the wreck, “Funny thing about that…I left in a real hurry because I wanted to rescue you so…”
“So I’m stuck like this,” said Hux bitterly, “For your sake, the shuttle bay had better be empty when we get back.”
Kylo shifted in his seat, pulling his cape out from under himself before unfastening and passing it to Hux. The General accepted it and pulled it up to his chin like a blanket.
“I would have rescued you, you know,” said Kylo, “I was prepared to take on armies, dark lords, an evil Hutt madam.”
“Why would any of those things have been at a brothel?” asked Hux incredulously.
“Well, I’d always heard stories about Hutts and armies of personal guards and…you know…capturing very pretty…you,” said Kylo, gesturing to Hux with one hand while manning the controls with the other.
“The proprietor was a white Twi’lek male and their guards were jokes. I saw that you carved up most of them,” noted Hux, “Where exactly did you hear a farfetched story like that?”
Kylo mumbled into his hand.
Hux arched his brow, “Come again?”
“…Han Solo…” said Kylo quietly.
“The same man who led you to believe corndogs were made of corn and puppies, moons were made of dairy products and there is a little man inside computers that makes everything operate smoothly,” said Hux irately, “Better add brothels to the list of things you need to be re-educated about.”
“Yeah…” said Kylo, slouching slightly.
Kylo drummed his fingers on the controls and shifted his legs and hoped Hux would not be alerted to his current dilemma. He was in a small, enclosed space, alone, with the guy he liked, who was covered in the blood of his enemies, and wearing practically nothing. Kylo occasionally hazarded a glance in Hux’s direction and was grateful that he had his helmet on to hide how ridiculous his lovesick face must have appeared. Hux seemed sour, as usual, with his arms and legs crossed looking out into space. Kylo regretted giving him the cape and covering up his – no, no, giving Hux the cape was the good and decent thing to do in this situation – but he looked so hot in his – slave outfit he was forced into against his will – but the blood spatters were a serious turn on – that Hux got by straight up murdering someone who tried to…
Kylo Ren then experienced the second highest level of guilt he had ever felt about a boner in his life.
“So…uh…your legs look…nice,” said Kylo.
Hux gasped slightly and hid them under the cape, tucking them against his chest, “No they don’t! Hairless legs aren’t natural Ren!”
“So they…” Kylo trailed off.
“With some sort of wax stuff and paper,” said Hux glumly, “Stung like a bitch too.”
“Oh…” said Kylo. He drummed his fingers against the controls and hazarded, “Is that…the only place they…?”
“Ugh! Really!? That’s where your mind went!?” raved Hux, slipping an arm out from under the cape to gesture angrily.
“Well, no, not right away, it’s just the first thought I happened to vocalize!” protested Kylo.
Hux slapped a hand over his eyes and let out a long, loud groan. He shook his head, “I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”
“Could I…touch them?” asked Kylo. Hux turned and shot him a disgusted, quizzical look while mouthing ‘really’. Kylo flushed slightly and mumbled, “They just…look really smooth and nice…”
Hux rolled his eyes and refrained from answering the question.
Kylo paused for a moment before hazarding his next ill-advised question, “So…the thing you’re wearing…you going to keep it?”
“Ren, why the hell would I keep it!? I’m only wearing it now because there’s nothing else!” exclaimed Hux.
“I dunno…could be fun…role play…” suggested Kylo.
Hux shook his head and stared at Kylo incredulously, “You’re unbelievable! Could we possibly wait until the trauma has worn off before suggesting that!?”
“I just- you- in the thing- it’s…you look very…um…” Kylo trailed off.
Hux sighed and settled back into his seat, “I mean really, Ren. We’ve barely entered the ‘handholding’ stage of this relationship and you bring that up…”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Hux finally sighed, “Once I’ve cleaned up and if you agree not to talk for the rest of the journey…you can touch them…”
Kylo saw Hux curl up in his chair out of the corner of his eye. He might have been banned from talking, but that did not mean he could not reach his hand over and pat Hux’s head. The General did not scream at him, so Kylo kept his hand there, stroking his hair and scratching occasionally. Hux leaned into Kylo’s hand and sighed, “The bloody hanger better be empty…”
“Ren…why is the entire crew in the hanger?”
“Uh…well…I might have run through the shuttle bay yelling about saving you from being debauched and called off the strike team so I could save you my-”
“You called off the strike team!?”
Hux stared at Kylo with more exasperation than the knight thought the average human face ought to have been able to contain. The General was huddled in a corner of the shuttle, trying to stay out of view, keeping as far from the windows as he could. Hux repeated angrily, “You called off the strike team!”
“I wanted to be the one to rescue you!” replied Kylo, trying to match Hux’s levels of frustration, “It was going to be beautiful with explosions and doves and maybe even a monster-truck and-”
“You called off the strike team!” shouted Hux emphatically. He trailed off in a series of quick, quiet mumblings, “Unbelievable…absolutely unbelievable…”
“Look, just…they’re all worried so could you maybe poke your head out the door and let them see you’re okay?” asked Kylo.
“I am not leaving this shuttle until either the hanger is empty or I’m fully dressed,” said Hux adamantly.
“You don’t have to leave, just wave your arm out the door or talk or something,” said Kylo.
Hux shook his head, “I hate you, I hate you so much…”
“I know…” muttered Kylo softly.