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All My Fault

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Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. 

AN1: So I felt the need to write this post Civil War story because seriously how many times can one person be hurt in one two-and-a-half-hour movie before they break, this story involves the break. Everything is pretty canon compliant, except in my mind there is no Barton family, whether that is relevant is unclear.

I intend for this to be just a one shot, but if people are interested i might be able to make it more than that.

It has been six weeks since Siberia, since Clint Barton, Scott Lang, Wanda Maximoff and Sam Wilson were broken out of a jail they should have never been put into, six weeks since Tony received a phone that he has hasn't used but stared at every day.

In those six weeks, thanks to T'Challa retracting what he said about Natasha, she has been able to return to the compound and unofficially no one is looking for Clint, Scott, Wanda, Sam and Steve, though Ross isn't too happy about that.

It's late at night and as sleep isn't something she gets much of these days Natasha is walking though the compound. As she sees a light on in Tony's office she heads there deciding to see how the billionaire, who has clearly been far from okay after everything that has happened, is doing.

As she stands at the door to the office Natasha sees Tony sitting and drinking, something that has been all too common lately, and staring at screen, but as she looks at the screen Natasha realises exactly what he is watching.

"Why are you doing that to yourself?" Natasha asks as Tony watches the video of The Winter Soldier killing his parents on repeat.

"Because I have to." Tony answers, seemingly being un phased by Natasha's presence.

"Did you steal the tape?" Natasha asks as she walks over.

"Yes, and digitised it." Tony answers as he takes another large drink from the bottle he is drinking straight out of, "Why'd Hydra kill Mom?" Tony asks, his voice full of pain, "Dad was the one who created the serum, so I get him, but why her? She didn't deserve that."

"Hydra doesn't care about casualties, that's why." Natasha says as she squats down next to Tony, "Stop watching the tape Tony."

"I can't." Tony responds.

"Yes, you can." Natasha says as she reaches over and picks up the remote and turns off the TV.

"I was watching that." Tony says as he tries and takes the remote back but fails miserably.

"Now you're not." Natasha informs him, "You're going to bed."

"You're not the boss of me." Tony argues, sounding very much like a child, "I'm your boss."

"Then act like it, damn it Tony! We're already falling apart and if you fall apart too then we are never going to be able to be put back together." Natasha informs her friend.

"What have you been watching? We're never going to be put back together, we're broken, everything's broken." Tony says, sounding so defeated, "It's my fault, it's all my fault, Rhodey, Steve, Clint, Wanda, Sam, you, everything that has happened, ever since I made tis damn suit, all my fault."

"Not everything is on you." Natasha says, finding this side of Tony extremely odd to see, "And I refuse to accept that everything is broken, and you should to." Natasha tells her friend, "No more of this." Natasha says as she takes the bottle away from Tony, "It's time for you to get your ass to bed." Natasha tells Tony as she puts the bottle out of his reach.

"I'm fine." Tony asks as he stands up and tries to walk to where Natasha put the bottle but he stumbles.

"Come on." Natasha says as she hoists Tony's arm around her shoulder and drags him to bed, "We're going to talk in the morning." She informs Tony, knowing that they really need to, but there I no point having the conversation when Tony is drunk.

"I never should have done this; I should never have built this damn suit." Tony mutters as Natasha basically drags Tony towards his rooms, "All my fault, Rhodey my fault."

"Rhodey made his choice Tony, you've heard him, he doesn't regret it." Natasha reminds Tony.

"Still my fault, all my fault." Tony says, it becoming clear to Natasha that Tony is beyond the point of reason.

With a sigh Natasha just continues to drag Tony to his room, not saying anything as she is pretty sure that even If she tried Tony wouldn't listen and he definitely wouldn't believe her.

It takes a few minutes but finally Natasha manages to get Tony to his room and once there Natasha puts Tony's hand to the sensor so that they can get in and one they are inside Natasha manages to help Tony over to his bed which he flops onto, and as he does Natasha notices something fall out of his pocket.

"Get some rest Tony." Natasha tells her friend, who gives a grunt back in response, as he does Natasha bends down and picks up the object, which turns out to be a flip phone, "Night Tony." Natasha says before leaving, taking the flip phone with her.

After leaving Tony's room Natasha makes her way to her own, but as she goes she passes the common area where she spots Rhodey so instead of heading to bed herself she heads over to him.

"Can't sleep?" Natasha asks as she sits down across from him.

"Nope." Rhodey answers, "I was going to try and talk to Tony, but then I heard your voice and figured that an ass kicking would help him."

"I don't know how much help it was." Natasha admits, "I've never seen him like this." Natasha admits, "He was watching the tape of his parents being killed, over and over again."

"Damn it." Rhodey says angrily, realising that his friend is worse off than he thought.

"He's blaming himself for everything that's happened, not just the last few months and Ultron, but everything since he first built the suit." Natasha informs Rhodey, wanting him to know just what is going on as Rhodey is the best person to try and help Tony.

"He's drinking too, isn't he?" Rhodey asks and Natasha nods, causing him to close his eyes and take a deep breath, "This is bad."

"Thanks, I had already figured that, but how bad is it?" Natasha asks.

"Worse than you're imagining." Rhodey says, "When he gets to this point he's not reckless dangerous, he's self-destructive, and I've never been able to get him to snap out of it. I don't know anyone who can." He admits, it being clear that he is worried about what that is going to mean for his best friend.

"This fell out of Tony's pocket when I was helping him to bed, do you know why he has it?" Natasha asks, showing the phone.

"A flip phone, Tony?" Rhodey asks shocked, "I've seen him refuse to touch one of those phones out of pure spite." He explains, "I honestly have no idea why he would have that in his pocket."

"Huh." Natasha says as she flips the phone over in her hand.

"I think I might head to bed." Rhodey says, "Talk tomorrow to figure out how to snap Tony out of his guilt?"

"Yeah." Natasha responds as Rhodey heads to bed.

A little while later Natasha is sitting in her own room looking over the phone, one she has determined that there is a GPS blocker in it, meaning that no call mad to or from the phone can be tracked, two it has never made or received a call, and three there is only one number that can be called from the phone and it is programed in,

"Who would give him this?" Natasha asks herself and then the answer comes and honestly she can't believe that it's taken her so long to realise, "Steve." She realises, trying to decide what to do right now.

For a few minutes Natasha just stares at the phone and thinks about would be the best thing to do. She thinks everything that has happened the past few weeks, everything that happened before that, and what making this call would do. Deciding that it is worth the risk Natasha takes a deep breath and calls the single number in the phone.

"Tony." Steve's voice says, answering after only a couple of rings, "I'm glad you called."

"It's not Tony."

"Nat?" Steve asks surprised, "How'd you get the phone?"

"It fell out of Tony's pocket when I was dragging is drunk ass to bed." Natasha reveals, deciding to screw beating around the bush.

"What?" Steve ask surprise, and confused, causing Clint, Sam, Wanda and Scott, to exchange concerned looks as they have been looking at him since he said Natasha's name.

"Tony's not okay, he hasn't been for weeks. He's been blaming himself, drinking, and tonight I found him watching the video you all watched in Siberia on a loop." Natasha reveals.

"He took that?" Steve asks, pain in his voice as it sounds to him that Tony is just torturing himself.

"Yeah." Natasha answers.

"What do you need Natasha? Why did you call?" Steve asks curious.

"Honestly, I don't know." Natasha answers, "Rhodey and I are worried about him. He's blaming himself for every single thing that has happened since he put the Iron Man suit on and Rhodey says he's self-destructing, that he's never been able to snap Tony out of it when he gets like this." Natasha admits, "We don't know what he's going to do next." She admits.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Steve says, not even needing to think about it as he needs to help Tony, then hangs up before Natasha can argue.

"Where will you be?" Sam asks curious as Steve hangs up.

"The Compound." Steve answers.

"Why would you go there? That's stepping into the lions' den." Clint comments, surprised by Steve's actions.

"Natasha said that Tony's self-destructing, I have to help him." Steve explains.

"Why?" Scott asks, "After everything he's done, why would you?" he asks, not understanding.

"Because he needs help, and I'll always helps someone in need." Steve tells the others.

"What help do you need from us?" Wanda asks, understanding Steve's reasons, both the ones he is saying and the ones that are unsaid.

"None. Just stay here we're you are all safe." Steve comment, "I'll be back when I can." He says.

"If you need anything, just call." Sam tells his friend.

"I will." Steve says before starting to collect the stuff he is going to need to get back to the Compound.

After hanging up with Steve Natasha debates what to do next, and after a little bit of debate she comes to two decisions, one she will not tell Tony that Steve is coming, and two she will do whatever she can to make it so Steve can get to the compound without being caught.

Late the following afternoon Tony finally raises out of bed, and the second he starts to walk to the kitchen area he finds himself wanting to crawl into either bed or a bottle, and as he walks into the kitchen and sees Natasha and Rhodey sitting at the table, clearly waiting, he finds that desire increasing.

"Wow, flashback much." Tony mutters as he heads straight to the coffee.

"Sit down, Tony." Rhodey request, although by the tone of voice it doesn't really sound much like a request.

"Coffee first." Tony says as he pours his cup then walks over to Rhodey and Natasha, "So, what have I done now?" he asks as he sits down.

"Nothing, we're concerned Tony." Natasha admits.

"Don't be." Tony says, sounding annoyed, "Can I go now?" he asks as he raises from his seat.

"No." Natasha and Rhodey say together as Tony lowers himself back down onto his seat, feeling very much like a kid being told of by a principle, or even by his parents, but as that thought is too big of a can of worms to even think about he pushes that away before he can even think about it.

"You need to stop what you're doing." Rhodey tells him, "Not everything is your fault, Tony. I don't blame you for what happened, and you need to stop blaming yourself." He comments.

"You also have to stop re-watching that damn video." Natasha informs him.

"I don't have to do anything." Tony tells them.

"You should." Rhodey says, "Tony, you cannot keep blaming yourself. You cannot keep watching that video. You can't keep drinking. If you do, you'll end up killing yourself." Rhodey tells his best friend, trying to help him, trying to get through to him.

"So?" Tony asks, it being clear that he doesn't really care.

"You don't mean that." Natasha tells him, fearing that he does but needing to believe that he doesn't.

"Don't I? After everything that has happened, everything that I caused, everything I've lost, everything I've caused others to lose, wouldn't it be better?" Tony asks, looking between Natasha and Rhodey, honestly the tone of his voice makes it seem like he is completely serious and honestly that scares both of them.

"No, it wouldn't be Tony." Natasha tells him, "We've all made mistakes, but that doesn't mean the things would be better without us, without you. I need you to believe that." Natasha tells him, wanting to try and help Tony get back to his old self as honestly this worries her.

"I need to get to work, I've got stuff to do." Tony comments, "Nice chat." He says to Natasha and Rhodey before he gets up and leaves.

"That was worse than we thought, right?" Rhodey asks as he was sure that things were pretty bad, this seems even worse than he was thinking.

"Yeah." Natasha confirms, "Maybe Steve can get through to him." she comments, "Of course right now that could make things worse."

"I don't think things could get worse." Rhodey informs Natasha and honestly a part of her thinks that he might just be right.

A few hours later Natasha is waiting at the perimeter of the compound where she can sneak Steve in.

"It's good to see you, Natasha." Steve informs her as Natasha lets him in through the entrance.

"You too." Natasha responds, giving her friend a quick hug.

"So, does Tony know I was coming?" Steve asks curious as the two of them start to make their way to the main building.

"No." Natasha answers, "But right now, Rhodey and I both agree that things can't get any worse, Tony can't get any worse." Natasha adds.

"How's Rhodey doing?" Steve asks, trying not to focus on how far from okay Tony sounds like he's doing.

"You can ask him yourself in a minute." Natasha informs Steve and the two of them just continue to walk.

About a minute later Natasha and Steve arrive back at the buildings where they find Rhodey waiting.

"Captain." Rhodey greats.

"Rhodey, I am so sorry for what happened." Steve informs him, being amazed to see Rhodey on his feet then he notices the tech that is the reason why he is standing.

"You don't have to apologise." Rhodey assures him.

"Where's Tony?" Natasha asks.

"Office. Vision is making sure we don't get any unexpected visitors." Rhodey explains, before turning to look at Steve, "I'd wish you good luck, but I think you're going to need a hell of a lot more than that." Rhodey admits.

"Thanks." Steve says before heading to Tony's office, wondering whether things really could be as bad as Natasha and Rhodey are making it seem.

It takes a couple of minutes but once he gets to the office Steve takes a deep breath before he knocks on the door, and as he hasn't gotten a response after a few seconds Steve pushes the door open and even after everything that happened nothing could have prepared Steve for the sight that greets him, Tony Stark with a rope around his neck, hanging in the air.

"TONY." Steve yells terrified and after a few seconds of shock, and hoping more than anything that he isn't too late Steve runs over and grabs Tony's legs, pushing up Tony so that he isn't hanging by the neck

"HELP, I NEED HELP." Steve yells as loud as he can, hoping that somehow Natasha and Rhodey hear, "HELP." He yells once more and a few seconds later Natasha runs in, clearly having sprinted from where she was.

"Is he still alive?" Natasha asks as she runs in and sees the sight in front of her.

"I can't tell." Steve says, "You need to cut him down." He tells her

"Working on it." Natasha says as stands on the table, "Move towards me." Natasha requests and Steve does just that, "Okay, he's free." Natasha tells Steve once she manages to cut the rope. Once he gets the all clear Steve slowly lowers Tony to the ground.

"Is he alive?" Natasha asks, concerned as Steve checks.

"His pulse is weak; we've got to get him to medical." Steve tells Natasha feeling more relief than he can put into words when he feels the faint beat.

"Okay." Natasha says as she jumps down from the table, picks up a piece of paper that was on the desk, and walks over to help Steve with Tony.

"I've got him." Steve says as he picks up Tony, being as careful as possible, and once he is holding Tony Steve carries him out of the room.

"No." Rhodey's voice, full of pain and fear, says about a minute later, "What happened? Is Tony okay?" he asks, trying to hold himself together but the image of his best friend lying limp in Steve's arms is his worse fears.

"He tried to kill himself." Natasha answers, causing a look of complete horror to appear on Rhodey's face.

"He's still alive, but barley." Steve answers as it becomes clear that he slows down so that Rhodey can catch up.

"Don't worry about me, I'll catch up, just get Tony to help." Rhodey requests, needing his friend to be okay.

"Okay." Steve says, and he once more starts to hurry, knowing that Tony needs medical attention as quick as possible.

Thanks to the fact that Steve was practically running he manages to get Tony to the medical area pretty quickly.

"Captain Rogers? What happened?" One of the medical attendants asks, being completely confused.

"He was hanging in his office; I think it was attempted suicide." Steve says as he gently lays Tony down on one of the medical tables, and takes his hand.

"I need you to leave." One of the Doctors tells Steve.

"I can't." Steve answers.

"You have to; we can't help him if you're in here." The Doctor says and so Steve, vey reluctantly, let's go of Tony's hand.

"I'll be in the hallway, let me know as soon as you know anything." Steve says and after giving Tony one last look Steve heads out of the room.

It has been about thirty seconds since Steve walked out of the corridor, and ever since he has been standing directly across from the door, when Natasha and Rhodey turn the corridor and start walking towards him, it being clear that Rhodey is still struggling with using what Tony built him to help him walk.

"What are they saying?" Rhodey asks, needing to know something.

"Nothing, jut that they wouldn't let me stay." Steve reveals, "What's that?" he asks, referring to the piece of paper Natasha is holding.

"I saw it on the desk, it's in Tony's handwriting." Natasha reveals.

"A suicide note?" Rhodey asks.

"What does it say?" Steve asks.

"It's all my fault. I'm sorry. This is better." Natasha reads and together Steve, Rhodey and Natasha drift into hurried silence, all three of them wondering whether Tony will be okay and whether they would even be able to help him.

For over an hour Steve, Rhodey and Natasha stand and just wait for some kind of news about Tony, hoping that he's survived. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime the door opens and The Doctor walks out.

"How is he?" Rhodey asks, being the first one to speak.

"He's alive, and conscious." The Doctor answers, "There was some damage done and there are some potential complications that we need to look out for, and he Is in definite need of psychiatric help, but he's out of the woods, for now."

"Can we see him?" Steve asks.

"Of course." The Doctor says as she lets Rhodey, Steve and Natasha into the medical area.

Once they get the okay the three heroes exchange looks, all three of them knowing that nothing that happens in recent months' matters, the only thing that matters is helping their friend, who desperately needs help.

As he lays in the very uncomfortable hospital bed Tony looks around and as he does he realises that anything he can use to hurt himself has be moved and honestly that annoys him, because it makes things so much harder for him to try again. Hearing footsteps Tony looks up and honestly he isn't surprised to see Natasha and Rhodey, but he is surprised to see Steve.

"What are you doing here?" Tony asks Steve, his voice hoarse thanks to what happened.

"Natasha called me yesterday, worried about our friend, I came as quick as I can." Steve reveals, causing Tony to look at Natasha.

"I'm not going to apologise, you're not okay Tony. I thought Steve could help." Natasha explains.

"No one can help; I don't deserve help." Tony says, and it is clear that he completely believes that.

"You do Tony, and we're going to help you." Rhodey says, hating the fact that his best friend is in so much pain.

"You shouldn't. You're better off without me." Tony says and the fact that it is clear how much Tony believes that hurts Steve, Rhodey and Natasha to hear.

"Can you give us a minute?" Steve asks, looking at Natasha and Rhodey.

"Sure." Rhodey says as Natasha nods, before they both head out of the room, both hoping that Steve can use some of his stubbornness to get through to Tony.

"You shouldn't have come." Tony tells Steve, "Ross will be after you if he knows you're here."

"I don't care about Ross, and I'm glad I came." Steve says as he pulls a chair over and sits next to Tony, "Not everything Is on you, Tony."

"Isn't it? You heard Vision, catastrophes have increased since I announced that I was Iron Man, so that's on me, all those deaths, all those destroyed lives are on me, and you know it." Tony says, "You should have killed me when you had the chance." Tony says, hurting Steve with the amount of defeat in his voice and the fact that he clearly believes that.

"No, I shouldn't have." Steve says, "We might not always agree Tony, but you are a good person, and you do what you think is best, which is all you can do." He says, "Killing yourself isn't the answer. I know you're in pain, and I'm sorry for the parts of that I caused by keeping what happened to your parents a secret, but Tony, things will get better, you just can't get up."

"Why not? If it wasn't for me Rhodey would be able to walk. You, Wanda, Clint, and Sam wouldn't be fugitives, Ultron wouldn't have killed people, Sokovia would still be a place, and so many other horrible things wouldn't have happened." Tony says, "The world's better without me, and it's not like anyone would really miss me.'

"I would." Steve says, without hesitation.

"Yeah right." Tony says with a snort, not believing that for a second.

"I'm telling the truth." Steve says, meaning that, "You are my friend Tony, even after everything that has happened, and I would miss you if you were gone, I'd miss you so much." Steve admits, as even with how angry he has been with Tony in recent months he means that, "Rhodey would miss you, Vision would miss you, Pepper would, and I believe, considering she called me for help, Natasha would too." Steve says, "You're important to us Tony, you're important to me, and I know, I know that you can't just turn off these feelings, so I'm asking you to let us help you. Let me help you, just don't give up, please. Please don't give up." Steve says, an undertone of begging to his voice, "Don't make us lose you after everything else we've lost lately."

"I just want to stop hurting, why would you let me end the pain?" Tony asks.

"Because pain is a part of life, and you need to live Tony, even though you don't believe It the world needs you to live, I need you to live." Steve informs him, completely meaning that.

"I don't know if I can." Tony says, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Try, please Tony, just try." Steve begs, "I'll help you." He promises and to his complete relief Tony gives a shaky nod, it being clear that he doesn't know if he can keep going, "Thank you." Steve says, and as he looks at Tony lying in the bed looking more defeated than he ever thought it was possible for a Stark to look everything that has happened recently slips away and Steve knows that he will do whatever he can to help his friend as he cannot lose him, he won't. So, he's not going to let Tony give up on himself even though Tony wants to.

Tony Stark may have given up on himself, but Captain Steve Rogers hasn't and he never will.

AN2: So let me know if you think this should me more than a one-shot.