He couldn't remember the last time he had sat up late in bed in the dark.
Megatron was almost surprised by this fact. He couldn't remember if he had done this as a weak and helpless child. Had he even been afraid of the dark? No, maybe he had embraced it, just like he did now.
In the dark, one could see nothing and one could see everything. He had been alone, powerless, and unable to control his own destiny. He jumped head first into the darkness as a young man to change those things. And now he was powerful, in charge of his own company and future, and no one could stop him.
But it still didn't change the fact that he was alone.
He had powerful friends and allies. Bombrush, the closest he had ever had to a father, had helped him build his company and was now his right hand man. He had loyal and faithful people under him; Shockwave, Soundwave, Lugnut, Strika along with several others. He had hundreds of people working under him, indebted to him, who had sworn their allegiance to him. He had an army in the underground depths of Chicago.
But he was still alone.
For a while, he had preferred the emptiness of his personal life and his home. He had grown up with it as a child; it was nothing he couldn't handle. But when the suddenly realization of the future of his company came into mind, he realized it had no clear cut future after he died.
It was funny at first when he had thought about it. Megatron was not one to admit defeat so easily. For a while, he had actually thought he could live forever as the head of this empire he had built from scratch. It was the high of his success as CEO that had blinded him and as he finally came back to realize his own mortality, he realized something.
He needed an heir.
He would need someone to continue what he had started. He would be known as one of the most influential business men in the United States (and eventually the world), but it would be meaningless if it were to end with his death. If he had an heir to continue after he was gone, he would become a legend. A legacy of power and rule in both the surface and underground world.
He paused his hand as the bundle of hair under it moved slightly. Megatron watched as Eclipse adjusted herself in her sleep to lie more comfortably on his chest. Once she stopped, he moved his hand down again to play with a lock that had fallen into her face.
This hadn't been planned at all in his initial vision of the company. He had hired her at first as his secretary because while some other candidates had been even more qualified than her, she had been the only one who had both rejected and been unfazed by Bombrush's advances when they had waited outside his office to be interviewed by him one by one. As much as he knew Bombrush had some self-control, he didn't need his secretary to be on the man's desk every other day with her legs open for the man. Or calling security to report unwanted sexual advances.
Eclipse had done a wonderful job as his secretary. Despite his cut throat and demanding nature, she had patiently handled his requests and demanding scheduling needs for nearly twelve years. She had earned his trust over time and he soon saw her as more than a subordinate.
It was why he had offered up the marriage proposal in the first place. She had come to him for help, trusting him enough to ask if he could help her when her family was in dire need of financial aid. He, desperate to produce an heir, saw an opportunity that would lead to a win-win situation.
And that was how it came to be now. They had gotten married. He provided the money for her family so her siblings could live their own lives and her mother could be cared for by the right people. And Eclipse would bear him an heir to his company.
It was supposed to be that straight cut and to the dot.
Now, nearly six months later, he was sitting here in his bed in the middle off the night worrying and hating himself.
Megatron had grown accustomed to a bachelor's life. He had more money than he needed that he could have anything he wanted. And when his sexual needs needed to be satisfied, he could find some random whore to relieve it with. But married... he was now faced with not just the welfare of himself and his company. He now had to care for her, for another human being.
He had thought it to be simple. After all, Eclipse was a grown woman. She could take of herself; she had taken care of a sick mother and two younger siblings for nearly her whole life. It shouldn't have been this hard.
But he had to now think of her opinion. Her needs. Her privacy and safety. The first time that had happened was when she had asked if she could go shopping for their food instead of it being delivered. It had come as a shock for him since he had thought she would not want to take out time from her week to shop for food. But he had allowed her to do it since it made her happy. And he did enjoy the food she picked out minus the enormous amount of fruits and vegetables she had brought back. Why would anyone buy a dozen apples? Who would eat that many before they went bad? Apparently Eclipse could since he had eaten only one of them before they were all gone five days later.
Then came his own needs versus her needs. While other needs like financial and excessive needs were easily toned down to accommodate for her, there had been some trouble when it had come to his sexual needs. He could only have sex with her (obviously for she was his wife and they had to make a baby somehow) and unlike the whores he could pay to leave after he was done with them, Megatron had to sleep with his partner afterwards. And it wasn't as if he could give her some money to make up for his rough and painful sex. He had to see the results of it the next day when he woke up next to her.
He wasn't certain how or when it had happened. It felt stupid admitting it, but after living with Eclipse for these past few months, he was starting to have feelings for her. He wasn't sure exactly, but it didn't seem like love... or perhaps he was hesitant to think that it might be. He had never felt love; he had no parents, foster care was a hell for him, and no one had cared for him when he was a nothing. Any who had claimed to love him after that had only done so because of his power and wealth and it was quite obvious then what they did love.
But even if he weren't to admit that he loved her, whatever it was that he had for... he was now afraid.
He didn't do afraid. He had faced everything in his past head on. Even if the obstacle or challenge in front of him seemed impossible, he hadn't cared. He never surrendered or backed down from it. Even if it took him years, he had conquered those challenges that others had told him he could never achieve. And that was where he had learned that if something makes you feel powerless and inferior, you destroy it. Completely and utterly crush it under your foot. Break it down and bend it to your will.
When Eclipse had asked about the shopping, he had allowed it because it didn't affect him. Either way, he would get groceries and something to eat. It had done nothing over the control he had in his house.
But when Eclipse had started buying less soda, Megatron had tried to calmly explain to her that she needed to buy more. He did like drinking it and he was a little upset when they had run out of it one evening and he had been a bit ticked off finding out that she had only bought one bottle of soda instead of three like he usually did before.
She did not, however, simply agree to his suggestion. She had stood her ground and told him that he shouldn't be drinking so much soda every day along with all those sugary snacks he had. It was going to catch up with him and he had to get into better habits like drinking less soda and healthier liquids like juices and water.
Recalling it now, Megatron could not remember if there had been any other point in his life where he had wanted to hit a woman so hard. And it scared him how quickly he had almost come to actually doing that that day.
It was idiotic; who would strike another over something as stupid as soda? Would he really have hit his own wife simply because she wouldn't buy him more soda? He would have thought any man who did such a thing to be childish and unworthy of being respected in his eyes.
And it was just horrifying at how close he had come to becoming something like that.
That argument had been settled without any incident (she bought two bottles of soda and he had started drinking sweeter juices), but that had not been the only incident. In fact, he could think of many times where she would make him feel like he had lost his control and dominance. It wasn't as if she had yelled or ordered him to do something he didn't want; Eclipse would have simply suggested he go to sleep earlier on a weekend to catchup on his rest and he would have felt the urge to slam his hands on the table while telling her off for even saying that.
Megatron slowly moved the hand brushing back her hair to her neck. He could feel the skin there becoming tender from their rough sex just a few hours before. He had really let her have it that night.
He couldn't help himself sometimes. He was that sort of person; cruel, sadistic, and selfish. He didn't know how to be anything but that. And the sounds of Eclipse begging and groaning in painful pleasure was music to his ears. It was the sound of control, of dominance and of power that he reveled in.
But it was also a reminder of what he could do to her.
With sex for him, there were bound to be accidents. Even though he was always careful and always in control of the situation, things happened. He had been able to push aside the accidental bruises, the little cuts, and the bruised lip he had given her once. They were accidents; she hadn't been hurt that bad and she had agreed to the rough sex beforehand. She had to know things like that happened.
He had become aware of several things following that incident. He had tied her arms to the headboard as he started to have his way with her that night. It had been addictively high hearing her moan and cry as he pounded into her body for half an hour. And when her screams had become painfully louder as she started to scream for mercy and begging him to stop, he had merely smiled sadistically at the look of fear and powerlessness on her face as he climaxed into her body under the high.
But the cold and chilling feeling of steel that pierced his stomach when he had finally looked up to see her right arm twisted back with a dislocated shoulder... the only other time he had ever felt that afraid in his life as far back as he could recall was when she had walked out on him months before and he had not known where she was.
That agonizing and horribly realistic moment of what had happened, what he had done, and how much he had enjoyed it left him terrified after he had untied her and watched her arm fall to the bed as she screamed even harder in agony. After he had to cause her to scream louder when he restrained her long enough to push it back in. And that screeching cry when he had done so. And the tears she had shed as he held her until she had cried herself to sleep.
Megatron still didn't know what had happened. Yes, he had done worse in the past than that. Yes, he had done a number of things to other people's arms that included dislocated their shoulder. Hell, he had broken them, stabbed them, fractured them... But he had known how he had done those deeds. And to this day, he still didn’t have any idea how he had dislocated his wife's shoulder that night.
As he continued to stroke her head, the man moved the other hand to rub her arm when she started moving again. It was enough to calm her down as his other hand continued to move over her head.
He didn't know what to do. He was a horrible man, a ruthless criminal. He had done horrible things in his life and he wasn't ashamed of any of that. Hell, he was proud of many of them. But despite his heartless nature, the thought of Eclipse getting hurt because of that was driving him insane.
He cared for her. She was one of the few he trusted most and he truly did care for her. But while he may have... loved her, if he was capable of that, he also hated her. She made him feel weak, powerless, subjective to her will instead of his. If it was anyone else, he would have hurt them. He would have hurt them bad until they were nothing but pulp and blood under his shoes.
But her... he couldn't. He couldn't do that to her. She was his wife, the one who would bear his heir. Who would raise his heir with him. He couldn't do that to the woman who would be by his side for the rest of his life.
The only woman he may have possibly cared about in his life.
But if he did truly care for her, why did he hate her for making him feel powerless?
This morning... when they had woken up today, she had been in a wonderful mood. He wasn't sure why; possibly because he had been easy on her the night before with sex, but as he was getting dressed, she had come up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. He had turned to see what she wanted only to have her kiss him, her hand holding his face as her body gently leaned in to balance them as he was pressed back into his dresser.
In that moment, Megatron felt absolutely powerless. He was unprepared, pressed up into his dresser with his face being held in a kiss that she, for merely a brief moment, held complete dominance over him. It was short for she had released him to give him a smile and turned to head to the bathroom. And he had not followed after her.
He was stuck in his spot, his knees buckling as he held the dresser to stand. Not because of that fact that she had stolen a kiss from him. It was the fact that the first thought that had come to his mind was to grab Eclipse, throw her to the ground, and show her exactly who was supposed to be the dominant partner.
Megatron stopped himself from digging his nails into her skin, leaning forward to press a small kiss to her forehead. He may have been a man with blood on his hands, but he was not a rapist. He despised them so much that he did not tolerate it with his subordinates, all the way down to the lowliest grunt. But it had frightened him just how quick he come to the thought of it when his own wife had made him feel weak.
He had never cared about love when he was younger. He had only learned of the pain and betrayal it gave when he had thought he found it as a child. He had learned that it made you weak and vulnerable. He had done away with it to get to where he was today.
But now... he couldn't risk having her hate him. He had married Eclipse for an heir, but he needed her for more than making a baby. He needed someone by his side to help raise the child. Their child would need a mother's love. She was the only one who could give his heir that.
And he... he needed her. He didn't know if he could live without companionship after this. After being with her. It had only been a short time, but he had come to enjoy her in his home. Being here, sleeping here, living here with him, being here with him.
Moving himself down to lay back, Megatron held Eclipse close as he moved to try to get back to sleep.
He had no idea how he was going to do this. He needed power. He needed control. He needed the dominance. He had lived by them for nearly his entire life, knowing that he needed them to set his own destiny.
But she... Eclipse was throwing his life into turmoil. She was making him feel weak, subjugated... he had to fight back years of instinct just to stop himself from hurting her.
Megatron wondered if this was what love really was. The need and feelings for another while losing all sense of control that one had on their own life.
If that indeed what it was, he wondered if it was worth it at all.