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Satan’s Impossible Pit of Love, Coffee and Monster’s

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Sharp pains shot through him as LINDA united and stretched him as much as they could.

“Elton! The cane! Break it!” Ursula shrieked.

Elton did as Ursula said and the abzorbaloff could feel his feet puddle and pool around his legs as he shrank down, melting.

“My cane! You stupid man!” the abzorbaloff barked at Elton Pope before shouting, “oh no!” and being dragged through the concrete and into the earth below.

The abzorbaloff was falling. He fell, and fell, and fell further still. Briefly, from a distance, he heard the Doctor explain that, “the absorber is being absorbed.”

Eventually came the bright light, burning red behind his shut eyes and the almost unbearable heat. The abzorbaloff landed with a thump.

“Welcome!” he heard a booming voice surround him. “To hell!”




In all fairness, hell really wasn’t as bad as everyone made it out to be. Henry, the abzorbaloff, had been here for just over a month now and in all honesty, was quite enjoying it. It was fairly similar to any old planet back in the mortal realm. The only difference hell had to Clom and Earth that Henry had noticed was the heat. It was always so hot. So, basically it was just like being on holiday for eternity. Not too shabby, indeed.


Henry had lost all of his absorbing abilities since his death, however he still had one man, Brian, trapped within him. Apparently Brian was destined for hell anyway, so this was now their joint fate; much to both of their dismays, since they despised one another. Brian continuously mocked and bullied poor Henry. Not only this, but he also had a disgusting sense of humour, was a horrible misogynist and was just overall a pain in the backside… literally. He was the not-so-proud resident of one of Henry’s butt cheeks. Bliss was, at one point, his neighbour; yet that lucky cow had managed to scramble her way up to heaven and escape dirty Brian (as Henry now referred to him).


Once you land in hell you are assigned a room on the university campus and are made to learn the ropes of the damned. As a resident of hell you must excel in the lessons of mischief. There are classes and different pass grades; these will land you a haunting career as either; a ghost, a poltergeist, or a demon. It was almost fun.


One afternoon, having finished Negative Energy 101, Henry had decided to grab a smoothie at the coffee shop down the road. Once he had his cup safely in hand he turned abruptly to head out.

“Look out!” Brian shouted.

It was too late. Henry had spilt his drink all over the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Henry cried, trying to rub off the liquid, frantically.

“Watch it you- “ the woman screamed and then came to a sudden stop. Her expression softened before she continued. “No worries, what’s your name?”


“Ahh, Henry. So what are you then? Some sort of absorber, absorbalinx, absorbininy?” she gasped. “An abzorbaloff!”

“Why does everybody call me that?” Henry asked, exasperated. “You don't see me calling you ‘hairless monkey’. Call me Henry, that is my name. Use it.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Brian said. “I quite like ‘absorbininy’.”

“Shut it, you!” Henry spat.

“Feisty, I like it,” the woman admitted. “And, Henry, trust me when I say; I’m really not ‘a hairless monkey’.”

“Well, what are you then?”

She leant in as she whispered in his ear. “The Devil.”


The pair (or trio, depending how you looked at it) stood in silence for a moment. Henry’s mouth was agape, until he pulled back, shut it and finally exclaimed; “Fuck off! No you’re not.” Henry began to laugh hysterically.

“What makes you think that?” asked the woman, offence evident in her voice.

“You’re a woman.” Brian stated blandly.

“Oi! I’ll have you know the devil is just as likely to be woman than a man. I would know,” Satan snapped. “Besides, this is just how you see me. I can change, I can be everywhere at once. I am both an idea and a physical form, sometimes all at once, sometimes separately. I am death and destruction itself!” she ended her grand speech by throwing her head back to laugh maniacally.

“You’re a very dramatic person, aren’t you?” noticed Brian.

“What can I say, I do love theatrics. It’s a passion of mine. Now, follow me,” Satan ordered.


They left the shop and walked along the red road. Satan snapped her fingers and ‘I’ve Got the Power’ started to boom throughout the underworld, seemingly from nowhere. Satan randomly stopped dead in her track, causing Henry to bump into her.

“Dance for me Henry,” she demanded.

“I’m sorry?” Henry asked, panicked.

“You heard me.”

“I - I don’t dance.”

“I said dance!” she roared and he could see the beginnings of flames flicker in her eyes.


Henry began throwing his body around, contorting it into various shapes and sizes.

“Oh, dear God this is just embarrassing!” Brian complained. “I’m ashamed to be a part of this, you look like David Brent from the Office. It’s ridiculous!”

“Stop!” Satan ordered, so he did.


She laid a hand on Henry’s shoulders, closed her eyes in concentration, and Brian began to scream in pain. There was a loud popping sound as he was released from Henry’s body prison.

“I’m free,” Brian gasped. “I’m free!” he screamed in joy, running off toward the flat he shared with Henry.

“What do you say,” Satan began,“you and me find somewhere a little more private ?”

“Absorb-lutely!” Henry shrieked in excitement.

“No, don’t - don’t do that. Don’t.”


They were back in Satan’s room. It was decorated burgundy, with zebra-print satin sheets on the bed, and a black carpet. Surprisingly it was quite tidy. Although it had been less than an hour, Henry could tell he was in love. Who knew all it would take was for him to die a horrifically, violent, messy and painful death for him to feel so alive?


The pair laid in the bed - post-coital bliss coursing through their bodies - spooning. Satan was, of course, the big spoon. Henry was just drifting off to sleep when he heard a very familiar voice in his ear.

“Wanna do it again?”

Henry quickly rolled over to face his fallen angel, and was greeted instead by the face of Brian.

“What the hell?” Henry shrieked.

“What do you expect?” Satan (still wearing Brian’s face) chuckled. “I’m the Devil. It has to be somewhat traumatic for you.” She fluttered her lashes at Henry with a coy smile.

“Oh, Brian… you are filthy .”

“Dirty Brian?” she purred, playfully.

“Dirty Brian.” Henry agreed.

Henry the abzorbaloff snuggled into his new girlfriend/worst nightmare’s arms and fell asleep.