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Never Again

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I never thought I’d be smiling as I looked out over the spot where I was to kill myself. I always thought I’d be crying or screaming obscenities. Something like that, but not smiling at all the bittersweet memories of the things I could never get back. A flash of blonde through my mind, and there it was, the crying. It wasn’t his fault though. Those people had set me up on purpose, but he had no way of knowing that. Even if he did, he would still have turned from me. After all, I was the one that set the fire that killed everyone.

It was late at night, or early in the morning. I didn’t know, but it made no difference. I was only here for one reason. I didn’t really want to dwell on it. I heard it was better if you jumped while thinking of those closest to you. Gave you more courage or something like that. Maybe because you had good memories of them, and you liked the idea of dying happily. After tonight, nobody will ever have to look at me. I was far away from home. I’d come here specifically so no one would discover me for a long, long time. I’d left a note, but it didn’t say much. Just that I was glad they wouldn’t have to look at me anymore.

“How could you!!!!????” I flinched. That had been the worst day of my whole 17 years by far. The person I loved the most and would never betray had turned their back on me. They had been hurt, I knew that much, but they had been hurt without thinking through the situation. They had seen ‘real’ photos, seen hand-written letters of love to someone else. All seemed to be me, yet weren’t. The sad thing is that those letters had been meant for him, but he didn’t know was that. I smiled. Oh the irony. If only I’d put the person’s name on those letters, maybe he wouldn’t have been fooled so easily. He was with her now, had been for a month. I couldn’t face that again, couldn’t watch my everything be someone else’s everything.

I took a deep breath, steadying myself. The place in my heart that is uniquely his throbbed at the memory. It hurt, it hurt so, so much. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and I didn’t want anybody else to hurt because of me. It was better off this way, for everyone. I started laughing again, this time louder and stronger, more impulsive. I loved the irony of the situation. It was a real Romeo and Juliet case, dying because one couldn’t be with the person they desired most. It wasn’t even a desire, really. What I wanted was for him to know the truth. On my note, I’d left a coded message, one only he would understand. He would have found the notebook by now, I suppose. I had best get a move on with this if I didn’t want to be found.

I had written a location close to here as where I planned to go, but that was only where my car was, with the keys and wallet locked inside. Guren had the extra keys to it. It was his car, after all. I only drove it. It’s only fair that his car be returned to him after this is over. Hopefully, though, he was still busy reading the whole story. Reading about how much I’d loved him, about how I would never in a million years betray him. About my past, and the blackmailing. Most importantly, though, the evidence against her, and the one letter I’d managed to save from when she broke in and stole the rest. It proved they’d been for him, my one and only love. And I was over it.

“Over.” I tested the word on my tongue, liking how it sounded. That’s what I’d wanted for months now. For this to be over, for me to get over him, for school to be over, for my life to be over. “How could you, Yuu?” That hadn’t been the question I’d wanted him to ask. I’d wanted it to be, “Can we talk this out?” or, “Did you?”. I’d been so disappointed and angry at myself then, that he just accepted it. I hadn’t earned his trust enough to be trusted that that hadn’t been me. Before, I’d had a bright future. I was getting some of the best grades in my class, knew what I wanted to do for a living, knew which college, had a scholarship, and I was even on my school’s soccer team. After, it had all gone downhill. I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do it. If the one who knew me the best really didn’t know me at all, then what was the point in it all?

“Well played, Krul Tepes. You got your man and got to end the life of the only one who would fight for him. Well played indeed.” I muttered, finally allowing myself to utter her name and what she’d done. She hadn’t just gotten Mika. She’d destroyed me, everything that defined me. I wasn’t me anymore. Just a person-shaped empty space. That’s how I felt now, without him, just an empty space where nothing was.

I stepped up onto the bridge’s railing without so much as a tremble. Now I knew, without a doubt, I could die, this empty not-me. It needed to die, as to rid the world of the stain that was it. I remembered once when I was just adopted, Shinya had held me as I walked along the stone rail of a walkway, and he had chided me not to, saying that I would fall down. Guren had just grunted in the background. It was funny, now, that I was actually trying, going, to fall down, into oblivion. Nobody needed me, not now, not ever, and most definitely not when I burned the orphanage down.

I glanced up, up at the millions of stars. I was under the same sky as him, but not thinking the same things. I bet if he thought that, if he ever thought about me now, he would be disgusted. It’s funny what five minutes will do to a person. I’d walked away for five minutes, and this is what I get.

“Yuu-chan!” He sounded happy in that memory, happy just to see me. Moments like those had made me incredibly happy. Now they just made me incredible sad.

“Yuu-chan!” Great, now I was hallucinating. Just another thing to add to the list of ‘Why I Should Kill Myself’. That made it the, what? 110th reason? Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Yuu-chan?” His inquiring voice at my 17th birthday dinner. He’d asked me if I’d liked my gift. Of course I’d loved it though, how could I not, when it was from him?

“Yuu-chan!” The hallucination voice had grown desperate now. My mind knew what I wanted him to say, so of course he’d say it.

“Yeah, yeah, you just want to stop me from doing this, don’t ya? But you’re not real.” I pause, closing my eyes. “You never were.” I mutter.

“No, Yuu-chan, it’s me!” His voice so achingly sad, desperate. He was getting more and more desperate.

I started laughing then, maniacal. “I really am crazy then! Desperate enough to imagine him up in my mind? I’m such a lunatic! This is why I’ve wanted to kill myself, see, right here? Can’t you see it’s justified?” I screamed, still laughing.

“No!” His voice screamed, angry, sad, desperate, and so so so loving all at once. “I am right here, Yuu-chan. I read what actually happened, and I don’t know how I’ll ever live with myself for what I did to you.” I hadn’t turned around, but I could hear the muffled sobs coming from the direction where his voice did.

“Ne, Mika?” I asked softly. If this was a hallucination, might as well enjoy it.

“Yes?” The reply came immediately.

“If you’re really real, say something.” I murmured, still not turning around. I didn’t want this t be a hallucination. I wanted it so bad, but I wouldn’t let myself have false hope.

“You don’t want to turn around because you’re afraid. Afraid that I won’t be there. But I am, and I always will be from now on. Okay, Yuu-chan?” His voice was strong, sure of what he’d said.

“That’s nice, Mika. But I’m afraid you’ve lost your chance already.” I whispered bitterly. I moved to jump and end this, but a pair of warm arms circled me, lifting me up and off the railing and carrying me to safety.

“Hi, Yuu-chan.” Mika whispered gently. My back was to him, so I couldn’t see it, but I hoped he was smiling that smile that had only been meant for me.

“Mika?”

“Yes, Yuu-chan?” The reply was immediate, gentle, and reassuring.

“Let me see your face?” My voice was shaking at this point, and I felt that I was trembling as the set of arms set me gently on the ground. And there it was, as I turned my face, catching the moon’s rays on his blonde hair, blue eyes sparkling with gentle reassurance. No matter how much I’d told myself I hated this sight over the past months, I realized I couldn’t get enough of it.

“Yuu-chan.” Mika prompted, drawing me out of the daze. All of the events that lead to this flew through my mind, and I backed away.

“No. No. I won’t let myself-“

“Yuu-chan!”
“I told myself never again-“

“Yuu-chan please!”

“No! NO! I thought I had more trust than THAT!”

“Please, listen!” He was crying.

“Never, not to you. All I ever got was disgust!”

“No, please! I love you, Yuu-chan!”

“Yeah, sure. Sure you do, go right on ahead and say that when you were with HER! She’s the one that started all this, but you? You were the one that fell into her trap. You were the one that destroyed me completely.”

“No, please, understand…”

“There is nothing to understand.” I backed away, and ran through the forest, not bothering to look back. I heard his footsteps, frantically chasing after me. I was the first to slow down, and he caught up, tackling me.

“I love you so much, Yuu-chan.”

“Those letters she showed you? I wrote them for you, back before I confessed.”

“Oh.”

“Now let me go. Let me go, Mika.”

“No.”

“Now.”

“Never…” He responded, holding me tighter on the forest’s ground.

“We’re both getting leaves in our hair.” I grumbled, agitated at his hold

“I thought there wasn’t a ‘we’re’.”

“Damn you, Mika.”

“I am damned, damned for what I did to you.”

“I-I-Idiot! No you’re not.” And there it was. I still loved him, and I always would.

“Might I get a kiss from a saint’s lips to purge myself of this most loathed act?” Mika asked, looking pointedly into my eyes.

“Depends if you can find a saint anywhere around here.” I responded, looking off to the side.

“But aren’t you a saint? You’re so strong Yuu-chan. Stronger than I could ever be.” Now that made me blush.

“L-L-Let go of me!” I cried, squirming in an effort to free myself.

“Didn’t I tell you I never would?”

“Nothing lasts forever.” I remind him, turning my eyes to the stars above. “Not even love.”

“Sure it does.” Mika replied, bringing my chin closer to his face with his hand.

“Can you promise that?”

“I can seal it with a kiss!” I rolled my eyes at his answer, but let him lean in anyway. His lips connected with mine for the first time in months, but my body remembered him, and so we fit together perfectly, two pieces of one puzzle. He didn’t push to go further, and neither did I. We were just simply content being there, next to each other.

~

“Ah, Guren?” I breathed, unsure of how he would respond.

“Yuu! Oh my God, Mika got there in time! Shit! Oh thank God, Shinya!” Guren sounded relieved, happy, and grateful, but I knew better. He would be yelling at me when I got home.

“Yuu?” Shinya’s voice was shaky from crying. I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and let the first tears drop. I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t. Mika was there suddenly, hugging me from behind, head resting on my shoulder.

“I’m so so so sorry, Shinya.” I whispered, tears evident in my voice, even over the phone.

“Oh Yuu. Just come home safely, alright? Talk to us more, okay? We’ll help you, I swear.” (This is where the author started wanting to cry) When Shinya said that, I knew he meant it, and that he was smiling, trying to assure me that it would, and in that moment, with Mika’s head resting securely on my shoulder and my parent’s thankful that I was alive, I knew it would be.