ben solo never knew that he was capable of feeling the things he was currently experiencing.
he was always told that being a jedi meant you can’t feel passion or feel love — yet, here you were; your fingers tracing over the pointed tip of his nose, down to the curve of his lips looking at him like you were completely and utterly in awe of him. ben parted his lips, taking the tip of your finger in his mouth; tongue flicking your flesh, causing a small smile to tug at the corner of your lips.
“you know, i can only stay for so long.” you tell him, before he pulls your finger away from his mouth.
ben just leans up and let his lips brush against yours, tongue like a feather to trace your lower lip. as he felt your breath hitch, his calloused hand presses into your heated skin under your bare breast; taking it in his palm.
that’s one of the things you’ll always love about ben — his hands were so large, and could make you come apart just by a touch.
“you’re making it hard for me to leave.” you tell him, pulling back from him. you don’t even try to hide the low moan you let out at the feeling of his hardening cock against the cotton of your panties.
“i don’t want you to leave.” is all he says, as he twists your nipple between his forefinger and thumb.
the gasp you emit is beautiful. you’re beautiful. the way you writhe above him is beautiful.
the fact that you make the voices in bens head dissipate, is beautiful.
you’re too good for him, and ben knows this. you’ve got light in you and good in you and there was no changing that. and even ben knew that. snoke had told him a myriad of times that there was no use for you; that after the trials, kylo ren had to rid you of the galaxy.
ben had lost count of the times he had screamed till’ his throat hurt and destroyed inanimate objects in fits of fury, over the fact of what he had to do.
“there’s no use to attaching yourself to her, kylo ren.” snoke had said. “she doesn’t fully understand the force like you do.”
kylo ren promised himself that he wouldn’t let you complete him — but he couldn’t ignore the light you poured in to ben solo.
and all at once, there’s a coil in the air that tightens and tightens until it finally snaps. ben grasps your hips and flips you underneath him, kissing you erratically like you’re a fresh breath of air refilling his depraved lungs. his long fingers fumble while they pull down your panties as you drag your fingernails down his chest and to his briefs; freeing him from the confines of the cloth. ben kisses underneath your jaw and licks white-hot lines up and down your throat as you stroke him in your fist — and when he enters you, your jaw goes slack and you can’t even fucking think properly. ben thrusts are uneven and sloppy but you don’t care, because all you can feel is how he stretches you and how he’s gasping into your shoulder.
and before ben can stop his thoughts, he says those words that he didn’t dare admit to himself.
“i love you, god i fucking love you—“
and before he could stop the rhythm of his hips, you wretch your arms around his neck and pull him down to your lips gasping out the words he simultaneously wanted to hear and didn’t want to hear. it makes everything even more goddamn harder and makes his heart shatter.
you both pretend to ignore the loud sob that bubbles low from bens throat, as he gasps hard into your shoulder. his shaking hand travels to the middle of your sweaty bodies and to your clit where he rubs uneven circles, causing you to jerk and your thighs to shake as the white hot feeling of your orgasm washes over you like a goddamn tsunami. it’s not long before ben reaches his end; jerking so hard into you that you shift upwards on his white sheets.
as he pulls out, he lets his body weight rest on top of you — and you don’t mind. you love him. you love him.
and ben loves you — with every goddamn fiber in his body. you make him feel like he’s more than what his family legacy left behind, that he’s more than kylo ren and you’re the only name that’s sweet on his tongue.
ben solo is fucking in love with you, which makes everything so goddamn difficult.
and on this night, you both pretend that this is something you can hold on to; this love, that is in your veins.
could we pretend that we're in love, tonight?
there are nights on starkiller base, in which kylo ren dreams of the night he murdered the only person he’d ever loved.
he wakes up screaming and sweating and shaking and filled with remorse. the nightmares are always so fucking vivid.
kylo can still feel the way you used the force to go into his mind as his saber was buried deep in your stomach; your fingers gripping his shoulders with every bit of exertion you could’ve mustered up.
you used the force to show him what could’ve been — if he had chosen not to go the path that he did. ben solo saw you by his side, with a swollen stomach and a bright smile.
those were the nights kylo ren screamed and cried into the night, screaming for you to come back to him.
i’m trying not to let it show, that i don’t want to let this go.
is there somewhere you can meet me?