“Hey, Kev, you got a clean pair of boxers?”
Kevin looks up at him and smiles. “Sure, Tommy.” He walks over to the drawer in the corner of the small room and starts rummaging through it. Kevin doesn't ask, doesn't need to know, because they've been sharing everything since they were kids. It's the way they were brought up, fighting for every toy and bit of food along the way, but they never questioned it.
Sometimes it scares Tommy that Kevin is still as trusting as he was back then. He feels like maybe he needs to watch out more for him, to be there so he can save Kevin in a way he couldn't save Jimmy. But he's also scared of getting too close to Kevin, for reasons he can't tell anyone and especially not Kevin.
At night when he's lying in bed in his apartment, where he barely spends time anymore these days, his thoughts wander. Almost always they get stuck on Kevin and that night back when they were still in school and just starting to understand the concept of alcohol. They'd stolen some cans of beer from Jimmy and hid in some grimy back alley outside.
Tommy remembers hating the beer, it must've been some dirt cheap piss, but they were excited and they drank all of it anyway. He can still see the pleased look in Kevin's eyes when he turned to him, the way Kevin had slurred his words and how Tommy hadn't understood a single one of them. They'd been drunk as fuck and Tommy blames the beer for slowing him down, for only realizing why Kevin was leaning over until it was too late and he had his hand down the front of Tommy's pants. Tommy remembers coming just from that touch alone, embarrassment coloring his cheeks.
When they got home late that night, Tommy's pants uncomfortably sticky, the taste of Kevin's come on his tongue, their mother had yelled at them. She'd been worried sick with fear and she grounded them for two weeks. After that, back in their room, Jimmy had punched each of them in turn for stealing his beer and Sean had refused to talk to them for two days straight because they hadn't taken him along. And all through it Tommy couldn't stop looking at Kevin, wondering if everything would change now.
But it never did.
They carried on as if nothing had happened and Tommy learned to live with the guilt and buried it deep inside.
Kevin tosses the boxers at his head and laughs at the surprised look Tommy throws him, ripped so abruptly out of memories he doesn't want to have.
“It's St. Paddy's Day Tommy, those are the only ones I'm gonna give you.” And Tommy looks at the white boxers with bright green shamrocks in his hand and has to smile a little despite himself.
“Fair enough,” he says and “Thanks, Kev.” and that's it. Simple as that.
When he closes the door behind him the fabric of the boxers cold and smooth in his hand, he can't help but wonder if Kevin has worn them before.
The St. Patrick's Day celebrations are still in full swing and it's so loud in the Firecracker Lounge Tommy's ears are ringing with it. He feels tired and he isn't as drunk as he should be.
Kevin's boxers keep scratching along his dick and he's been half-hard all day, aroused by the simple thought of something that belongs to Kevin so close to his own skin. It's not helping his foul mood any and he's retreated to a relatively quiet corner, wanting nothing more than to be left alone.
Tommy knows it's not right to think of Kevin the way he does. Sure, he's been brought up with the firm knowledge of whatever happens stays in the family. And when they were younger and still sleeping in one bed because their parents couldn't afford more, they used to jerk off together in the dark of the night. It's what brothers do, right? But Tommy knows better now. He knows that he looks at Kevin with different eyes than at his other brothers. But he keeps it in because that's what they do, what they've always been doing.
Sean passes him by, a girl on his arm Tommy faintly remembers is in his art class and shoves a beer in his hand. “You need to drink more!” he yells over the noise and disappears into the crowd. Tommy looks at the beer in his hand and then downs it in one go, never even tasting it.
He watches the people around him, mostly Irish, some of them not, but all of them drunk as hell. He watches Jimmy put beer on the counter one after the other and when he thinks no one is looking Jimmy takes a big gulp from each beer people aren't fast enough to pick up.
Tommy turns and tries to make out Sean in the crowd, but he's nowhere to be seen. Probably took his girl back to some dark corner to make out or something. Tommy really hopes she's not someone's girl and that he won't have to deal with an angry boyfriend in the morning.
He puts the empty glass down and with nothing in his hands to distract him he has to admit that the only person he's actually looking for is not there. Maybe Kevin is out somewhere losing money over some card game or other. It's not like that is news. And Tommy realizes that yes, he's really feeling desperate enough, so he works his way through the crowd and slips down into the cellar.
When they were younger they used to play hide and seek down here. It was during one of these games when Tommy found a secluded little spot in the very back and that's where he is headed now. He has to take these damn boxers off and do something about his hard-on. After that he's gonna get drunk and try not to be the responsible one for just a night.
He slips into the dimly lit corner and shucks out of his jeans and the boxers, but puts the jeans halfway on again, just in case someone happens to stray back here and find him. One can never be too careful with stuff like that, Tommy knows it better than anyone.
For a while he just stands there, boxers in hand, jeans half down, not actually sure whether he wants to go through with it. But then he looks at the offending item of clothing again and his dick swells with blood and well, that is that. He tries not to think as he wraps the boxers around his dick and slowly starts to stroke himself, thin material scraping over the sensitive skin of his erection.
Tommy leans back against the wall, eyes closed and breath coming heavy already. He tries to conjure up Jenny's face, black hair and worried eyes. But the image keeps slipping and the worried eyes change to puppy dog eyes, black to brown hair and the body he imagines rubbing against his is not small and fragile anymore, but lean and muscular.
His strokes get more desperate and he rubs the fabric along his dick harder, faster. He's too far gone to pretend he's not thinking about Kevin right now and he tries to imagine what the boxers would look like on his brother. Ridiculous probably, but he can't laugh about it, not when he can also vividly see how low they would hang on his hips, clinging to skin and tight muscle and hiding nothing.
He groans and it sounds more like a name than anything else, more like Kevin and please and desperation he didn't even know was there.
His head snaps up at the soft word and for a moment his eyes don't quite focus, but then he sees him, sees Kevin, standing in the dim light of the cellar, arms hanging loosely at his sides. For a second Tommy just blinks at him and wonders if he actually fell asleep and is dreaming this. But Kevin smells like beer and the chemicals they use to dye it green and like something that is so distinctly Kevin that it makes Tommy's cock twitch in his hand. He swallows a groan and lets the boxers slip to the floor in an attempt to hide what exactly he's been thinking about. But his hand is still around his cock and it's a lot harder than it should be when you've just been busted by one of your brothers.
“Kev, I can...” he starts to say, but his voice breaks and there's really no point to this anyway, because he has no idea what he even wants to say. How long has Kevin been standing there? Has he been watching him? Doing this? He shoves the thought as far from his mind as he can, but it's no use, his fingers twitch around his hard cock and he breathes out, the sound loud in the silence between them, louder even than the music from above. His hand falls to his side heavily, but he doesn't even notice, just stands there dumbstruck and a little lost.
Kevin looks at him curiously, eyes hazy with alcohol but there's something else in them too, alert and just there. He walks over to where Tommy's leaning against the wall until their mouths are only inches apart, Kevin's breath stale from the alcohol. “Tommy,” he whispers and his breath ghosts over Tommy's face, skin prickling with the sensation of it.
And then Kevin drops heavily to his knees, face inches from Tommy's dick and it takes all of Tommy's willpower not to moan or do something equally stupid. He watches wide-eyed as Kevin picks his ridiculous shamrock boxers up from the floor and holds them to his nose, smelling them almost without thinking. After a moment he carelessly drops them to the floor again. When he looks up at Tommy a smile is on his lips and his hand slides up and around Tommy's hip, rough fingers digging into sensitive skin.
“It's okay, Tommy,” he says, voice low and soothing. He curls his other hand around Tommy's cock and Tommy jerks into the tight grip of it. “Just let go for once. I got you.” Kevin leans forward then, warm breath over the leaking head of Tommy's cock and wraps his lips around it and sucks.
It's hot and god, so tight and Tommy has to close his eyes to keep from coming and to keep from seeing his brother's head bob up and down his dick. He feels like he's miles away, detached from his body and he wants to run from it all. But his shoulders keep digging into the stone wall and his stomach churns. He's not sure whether it's the orgasm building or whether he's going to puke. He can feel his thighs tremble as he tries to keep it all in, to ignore this, whatever this is.
Kevin slides off his dick with a wet sound, spit trailing from his red lips. “Look at me, Tommy.” and Tommy does. Kevin smiles, but his blue eyes are dead serious and Tommy can't help himself has to trail a thumb over the slick bottom lip hovering inches from his straining dick. Their eyes lock and he moves his hand over Kevin's face and then tangles it in Kevin's hair. The locks are soft under his fingertips and he grips them tightly, tries to ground himself in this moment by touch alone. Kevin hisses, but it's more pleasure than pain and he looks like he's waiting for something. Tommy looks down at him and something in him loosens, springs free. Slowly he presses Kevin's head forward until Kevin opens his mouth and swallows Tommy down again.
It's so easy, there's no resistance and Tommy slowly works his hips, holding Kevin's head as he fucks his mouth. There's no guilt there, not yet anyway, and he speeds it up a little, sees Kevin's eyes water as he tries to swallow all of him down. Tommy groans, the sound ripped from his throat as he watches his brother's lips stretched impossibly wide around his cock. But what gets to him, makes him forget everything, including who they are and why they shouldn't be doing this, is the look in Kevin's eyes. The way his eyes say take this, it's alright, I'm alright, don't worry with so much genuine sincerity and actually meaning it, is more than Tommy can take.
He tightens his grip on Kevin's hair and forces his dick deeper down Kevin's throat. Kevin simply takes it, humming around the cock in his mouth, tongue scratching along the underside. Tommy can feel it now, he's close. “Fuck, Kev, harder. Suck harder.” and his voice his throaty and rough, foreign to his own ears. But the grip of Kevin's mouth around him tightens and it hurts but that's alright, Tommy needs this too. It only takes a couple more thrusts and Tommy growls, deep in his throat.
Kevin tries to swallow it all down, but most of Tommy's come flows over his lips and dribbles down his chin to the floor. He chokes around Tommy's dick but doesn't let go, keeps sucking the tip of it into his mouth almost as if he needs to prove something. Tommy shudders under his hand, his mouth, until he's finally spent and goes slack against the wall.
He winces as Kevin keeps licking at the slit like he wants to catch every last drop, make up for all of it that he's spilled. Tommy's about to tell him to stop, when they hear the first step of the stairs creak over the noise spilling down into the cellar.
“Hey, Kevin! I know you're down there.” It's Jimmy, yelling at the top of his lungs. “Get your ass back up here! You haven't even had half of the beer you bet me you could drink in one hour. I want my fucking money.” They hear Jimmy yell at someone who's probably standing in his way and then he's gone and they're left with only the noise from the party again.
After a long moment Tommy gently tugs on Kevin's hair and his dick slips from his brother's lips. “Get up,” he says and is surprised by how neutral his own voice sounds. Kevin obeys him without hesitation. He brushes dirt from his knees, like it's the most natural thing in the world. When he looks up at Tommy again his smile is loop-sided. “You sure I should go?” And Tommy nods so hard he fears his head is gonna fall off. For a second he thinks he sees a hurt look in Kevin's eyes but it's gone an instant later and he probably just imagined it anyway. Kevin absently runs a hand through his hair and turns to leave. He's half way to the stairs when he turns around again to look at Tommy, who's still standing there, jeans around his ankles.
“Next time you blow me, alright? Or you know, do something else.” He says and smiles at Tommy, shrugs his shoulder the way he always does. And for Kevin it's as easy as that. No repercussions, no hard feelings. He did it because he wanted to. He's going to go back up there now, like he didn't just violate every rule the golden cross around his neck stands for. He's gonna get drunk and play games until he's lost everything except his underwear and he's going to laugh about it. Later tonight he's probably going to puke his guts out in the back alley and Tommy will have to drag him back home and take his shoes off and put him to bed. For Kevin it's just another regular day.
But Tommy....Tommy will think about this for a long time. It will weigh heavily on his shoulders like everything else he ever did wrong in his life. And all the fear and the emotions and the guilt will stay with him. Because this is something he doesn't talk about with Kevin or Jimmy or even Sean. It's the only thing he keeps to himself, the only thing the Donnelly brothers never share.