“I've got your photograph
But baby I need more than that
I need to know your lips
Nothing ever mattered to me more than this”
Clarke's had a crush of varying degrees on Bellamy Blake pretty much since she first met him, but it's never been too much of a problem before. At first, he pissed her off so much, it was easy to forget. They'd become tentative friends out of necessity, when their mutual friends started refusing to be in the same room as them because the arguments got so bad. Then she'd gotten wrapped up in her relationship with Lexa, which, looking back, was a terrible trade off that had gone down in flames. So this is the first time in the year and half that they've known each other, that they haven't been arguing and both been single at the same time.
Even that might not be so bad, except ever since Clarke and Lexa broke up, Bellamy's gone from tentative friend to real, genuine friend, a constant warm presence. He's softened so much towards her that Clarke sometimes forgets they once couldn't stand each other. She doesn't know how it happened, but somehow he became one of her best friends. It turns out Bellamy's basically a mushy nerd once you get past the posturing exterior.
That's when the dreams started. She brushed them off at first, it's not that weird to have the occasional sex dream about a friend. She's had them before and they had been about people that she'd never actually want to have sex with. It's not like she can control what her brain has conjured up. But it just keeps happening, Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy, and it's gotten to the point where she's having a hard time looking him straight in the eye. Yeah, she can't control the dreams, but it's different with him because she actually would want to sleep with him, given the opportunity.
She ends up talking to Raven about it, which she almost immediately regrets. She should have known she wouldn't get through the conversation without some serious teasing, but she can't talk to Octavia for obvious reasons. Miller is Bellamy's best friend, so that would be weird. Wells is out of town for three months, and that pretty much leaves Raven.
“Maybe if you were getting laid this wouldn't be a problem,” Raven says, grinning wide and pulling her legs up onto the sofa to sit cross legged.
Clarke rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that's so helpful, I wonder why I didn't think of that,” she says sarcastically.
“What, don't you at least own a dildo or something?” Raven asks.
“No?” Raven's eyebrows shoot up. “You're twenty four years old and you don't own a dildo? What on earth have you been doing for yourself, Clarke?”
“I mean, I have a vibrator, but it's,” she shrugs, hating how fast color is rising in her cheeks. She an independent, confident woman. She should be able to talk about masturbation without getting embarrassed, “You know.”
Raven's grin widens, “for clitoral stimulation only?” she provides.
“Yeah, that,” Clarke replies, cursing her red cheeks and the way she can't meet Raven's eyes. Maybe this wouldn't be so awkward if they weren't talking about sex in regards to Bellamy, their friend.
“Look, let's just go to that adult store over by Monty's and get you something,” Raven suggests. “Hey, I can even recommend Bellamy sized things.”
Clarke throws a pillow at her. “Raven!” The fact that Raven has slept with Bellamy isn't Clarke's favorite thing to be reminded of. It's not jealousy, exactly, it's just... uncomfortable.
“What? I'm trying to be helpful!”
“The whole point of buying a dildo would be so I stopped thinking of Bellamy!”
“Yeah, sure, that's gonna happen,” Raven mutters under her breath, but gives in. “Okay, I won't comment on their similarity to your crush, but I still think we should go. How's Tuesday, after work?” Clarke tentatively agrees. It's worth a shot, right?
Of course, with Clarke's luck, Raven ends up bailing on her. She knows she doesn't want to. She calls at three, the day they're supposed to go shopping, irritation clear over the phone.
“I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tonight. Wick fucked up one of our orders, so I have to fix it to get it out in time.”
“It wasn't my fault!” Clarke hears Wick yell in the background.
“Yes it was!” Raven calls back, and Clarke knows from experience that this could go on for a while if she doesn't interrupt it.
“It's fine,” she assures Raven. “It's not that big a deal.”
“We'll go next week, okay?” Raven says, voice determined.
“Yeah, sure,” Clarke agrees, and is surprised to find that she's a little disappointed. She'd been half dreading the trip all week, but now that it's not happening... She kind of wishes it was.
She doesn't plan it. It only happens because she has to drive past the adult store on her way home. One second she's driving home like always, and the next she finds herself turning into the parking lot. She sits in her car for five minutes, trying to decide if she's going to go inside or not. She's a grown ass woman. She can go into an adult store by herself and buy whatever she wants to buy. There's no reason to be ashamed of this. She repeats those words in her head as she gets out of her car and walks up to the store. She takes a deep breath and slips inside, taking a quick glance around.
Get in and get out, that's the plan. She doesn't stop to browse through the shelves, but heads straight to the back wall, where she can see are covered in various types of dildos and vibrators. She hovers for longer than she'd really intended, getting absorbed in reading about the different designs and comparing prices. It's really not so bad in here, pretty much empty and quiet and she's actually starting to relax. There's only one girl working, and she looks bored and nonjudgemental, hanging out at the cash register in the front.
She spends nearly half an hour in the back of the store before deciding on the one she wants. She figures if she's spending upwards of $50 on something, she should make sure she's getting what she wants. She ends up with a bright blue anatomically correct dildo (the flesh tone ones freak her out a little bit), simple, but large enough that she's a little bit intimidated by it. To be fair, she's intimidated by this whole process.
Decision made, she starts winding her way through the shelves to checkout. She gets a little distracted by a leather contraption that she can't figure out on her way there, which is why she runs directly into someone.
“Sorry!” she blurts out, before she looks up and realizes the person she's just collided with is none other than Bellamy Blake.
“What are you doing here?” Clarke asks, stunned. Seriously, she's come here once, on a whim, what's the likelihood she'd run into Bellamy? He's got his arms full of stuff and all Clarke can identify with a sweeping glance is a large penis shaped rainbow lollipop. Bellamy, for his part, seems unconcerned, which kind of pisses her off a little bit. He's the reason she's even here in the first place and it's wholly unfair that he's going to get to make fun of her for this forever.
“Shopping for some vital party favors for Monty and Miller's bachelor party,” he explains, grinning at her.
“Vital?” Clarke asks skeptically. He seems to be holding an inflatable penis with a smiley face on the head. She hopes she's stalling long enough for her blush to die down before Bellamy notices.
“What, you're telling me you've never wanted...?” He glances down at the pile of stuff in his arms and extracts a pink headband and puts it on. It's sparkly, fluffy, and has glittery dicks attached to springs that are waving slightly with every motion of Bellamy's head.
“Oh my god,” Clarke says, and pulls out her phone to snap a photo. Bellamy's grin is wide and entirely unapologetic. But then his eyes travel down to her other hand, where she's still gripping the plastic package with the bright blue dildo inside. His grin turns into a smirk, and no one should be able to look perfectly smug while wearing a headband with sparkly pink cocks on it, but he manages.
“Looks like it's pretty clear what you're doing here,” he comments, grin wicked.
“Shut up,” Clarke mutters, the blush back full force. She resists the urge to hide the dildo behind her back, that seems both childish and counterproductive. Bellamy would probably find that even funnier. She was here to get something to help her stop thinking of Bellamy so sexually, and now she's never gonna be able to look at this thing without thinking of Bellamy's smirk. It's so, so unfair.
Bellamy reaches for it with his free hand and Clarke can't think of a reason to stop him, so the next thing she knows, Bellamy's holding the package, still grinning, looking it over.
“Kinda simple, don't you think?” he asks. He looks up at her through her lashes, and Clarke's momentarily distracted by his eyes and his freckles and seriously, fuck Bellamy Blake. She mentally kicks herself.
“That's really none of your business,” Clarke says and snatches it back from him, heading to the check out counter. She needs to get out of here before she says or does something stupid. She should probably just leave the dildo behind, but it's a matter of pride, now, and she doesn't want Bellamy to know he's managed to faze her. Bellamy trails her, still wearing that fucking headband, the cocks swaying as he walks. She can't believe this is her life.
The girl working isn't behind the cash register anymore, and Clarke drops the dildo on the counter and crosses her arms, determined to wait. She turns around to see Bellamy studying a deck of pornographic playing cards.
“There's no way anyone actually wants those,” Clarke comments. It's a bad idea because suddenly Bellamy's attention is back on her, bright and teasing, and him and his pretty face have ruined her for adult stores for the rest of her life.
“Can you take off that headband, please?” she asks, she does not need to be attracted to a man in a phallic pink headband. She just does not.
Bellamy laughs, but does so, depositing it back into his arms. “Okay, but you're gonna thank me when I get a photo of Murphy in that.”
“I'm pretty sure I don't want to see any of the photos from the bachelor party, thanks,” Clarke says dismissively, glancing around the store and trying to figure out where the employee has disappeared to. This is bad customer service, right?
“I'm thinking about hiring that stripper you thought was hot,” Bellamy shoots back. “What was her name? Echo?”
Clarke narrows her eyes at him. “Miller and Monty are gay,” she says.
“Yeah, I didn't say the stripper was for them.”
Clarke snorts. “You're the worst best man ever.”
“Ouch.” Bellamy clutches his chest in mock pain. “Would the worst best man ever have thought to buy tiny penis candies?”
“Yes,” Clarke says flatly and Bellamy laughs. He'll be a good best man, really, when it comes to the important stuff. She forces herself to definitely not think of Bellamy in a tux. Luckily, the girl working chooses that moment to show up, ringing up the dildo without a word. Clarke pays cash, because she's paranoid about having purchased a dildo with a credit card (okay, she has some problems, she never promised to be perfect). All in all, actually purchasing the dildo is incredibly innocuous.
She thinks she's about to get away relatively painlessly when Bellamy leans over her shoulder and says, “have fun with that, Princess,” and she elbows him in the stomach and makes her escape, cheeks full of heat.
A week later and Clarke still hasn't managed to so much as open the package for the dildo. It sits, bold and intimidating, on her nightstand. The problem is, she looks at it and thinks of Bellamy, which is the exact opposite of what she wanted. The dreams have only gotten worse, up in frequency and intensity. She could probably really use the dildo right about now, but she'd feel guilty intentionally thinking of Bellamy like that. It's one thing to have a crush on him, it's something else entirely to use him to fuel her sexual fantasies.
Raven laughs her ass off when she finds out. “Seriously,” she gasps, “this would only ever happen to you!”
“I fucking hate you,” Clarke growls. All this is Raven's fault, really.
She leaves the dildo out by her bed because she's trying to convince herself she can use it without being pervy about Bellamy and of course that also bites her in the ass. It seems like a safe thing. She lives alone. No one goes in her bedroom. That space is hers. If she wants to leave the dildo out, she can.
What she doesn't take into account is Bellamy showing up at 7 pm on Friday evening while she's in the middle of reheating her Thai takeout on the stove, completely unannounced. It's not that weird for her friends to drop by, but Bellamy is the type that usually calls first.
“Hey,” he says, when she opens the door.
“Hey?” she says, confused, but stepping back to let him in. He walks past her, shoulders hunched over, looking sheepish.
“Sorry for barging in like this. O's having a meltdown about not being able to find her favorite dress for her first date with Lincoln and she's already sent me to Raven's and Harper's to look for it, so you're next on the list.” He's clearly not thrilled with his task, looking apologetic.
“Oh, that's fine,” Clarke tries to assure him. She knows how Octavia gets when she's stressed. “If she left it here it's probably in my bedroom. You go on in and I'll be there in a second, I just wanna turn the stove off so I don't burn the apartment complex down.”
She forgets about the dildo until she walks into the bedroom and Bellamy turns around, holding the unopened package eyebrows raised.
“So what I'm getting is that you were just buying this as some sort of weird art display for your bedside table?” he asks, perplexed.
“Again,” Clarke stresses, snatching it out of his hand, “it's really none of your business.” She tosses it onto the bed. “But if you must know, it's not gonna do what I wanted from it, so there's really no point.” She strides to the closet, hoping Bellamy can't see how flushed she is in the low light. The faster she can find Octavia's dress or send Bellamy away, the better.
“Your dildo isn't going to function properly as a dildo?” Bellamy asks, sounding amused.
“Exactly,” Clarke says, not turning around and digging through the pile of clothes on the floor of her closet.
“I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense,” Bellamy says, and he's a lot closer behind her than she thought he was. She focuses on the clothes, frustrated. Octavia's favorite dress is black, and unfortunately Clarke owns a lot of black clothes.
“It makes sense,” she snaps. She tosses a shirt over her shoulder and then there is Octavia's dress. She snatches it up.
“How does that make sense?” Bellamy asks and she's flustered and frustrated and she doesn't think before she turns around, shoves Octavia's dress into his hands, and snaps,
“Because the whole point of buying that thing was to stop thinking about you! And now you and this stupid crush have ruined that, so, no, it's not doing its job!” She has one shining second of satisfaction as the smirk slides off Bellamy's face to be replaced with a look of utter shock. And then she realizes what she's done and the panic rises up her throat. She wants to step backward, but there's nothing behind her, so she opts for pushing past him, but Bellamy catches her wrist.
“Wait,” he says, and his voice is no longer remotely teasing, kind of hoarse and stunned. “Do you mean... You were thinking about me?”
“Forget I said that,” Clarke snaps, trying and failing to free her wrist. She wishes she could just sink into the floor and disappear forever.
“No,” Bellamy says, stubborn, and Clarke is looking anywhere but at his face.
“Look, it's not that big a deal,” Clarke defends herself, jittery and just downright humiliated. “So we can just never talk about this again and that'd be for best. It was just this thing, not even a big thing, and I just-”
Bellamy catches her chin and kisses her. Clarke barely has time to relax into it before he's pulling back. “Or we could just do that,” he suggests.
When she meets his eyes they're warm and soft and a little bit nervous. Clarke stands on her tiptoes to get her hands on the back of his neck and bring his mouth back down to hers again. He kisses just like she dreamed he would, slow and all consuming.
“You could have just told me you liked me,” he murmurs against her lips, after a few moments. Clarke sinks back to her heels to look at him.
“I couldn't have! Do you know how awkward that would have been?” she huffs.
“Yeah, because this wasn't awkward at all,” Bellamy says sarcastically, a grin spreading across his face. Clarke rolls her eyes and pushes back on her toes to kiss him.
“You're the actual worst,” she tells him, and Bellamy laughs and kisses her back.
They'd decided to keep it quiet from their friends, just for the time being. Their friends are great, but also incredibly meddlesome. It's new, and it's good, and they just want a little privacy. Still, after a month, Clarke feels ready she just doesn't know how to bring it up. Keeping it a secret had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it means there's going to be an awkward, “by the way, Bellamy and I have been secretly dating for the past month,” conversation. Jasper will probably have a heart attack and Octavia might actually kill her.
For once, things seem to sort themselves out. It's Saturday night and they're at their favorite bar, squished into a booth in the back, which gives Clarke an excuse to press herself up against Bellamy's side in public, which she is gladly taking. Raven's sitting on her other side, and while the boys are caught up in an argument about a video game, Raven leans over and gives Clarke a slow grin.
“What?” Clarke does not like that look.
“Octavia sent me an interesting text today.”
“Okay?” Clarke's heart rate picks up. Octavia figured it out somehow.
“She found your dildo when she was looking for her shoes last night,” Raven says, voice low, and it's actually a relief. Clarke feels her shoulders relax.
“Oookay?” Clarke asks, really not sure where this is going.
“It's still unopened?!” Raven exclaims, looking exasperated. “Why have you still not opened it?!” Clarke tries to think of some reason that makes sense, because the truth clearly won't do and she's so lost in her own head, she hadn't even noticed Bellamy listening. He slings an arm over Clarke's shoulder and leans a little closer to her, smiling sweetly at Raven.
“She doesn't need it,” he says. “She's got the real thing.”
Raven's mouth drops open. “Oh my God.” Her eyes are wide. “You two are fucking?!” Raven practically screams. Every single head at the table turns as silence descends. It's quiet for a few moments.
“Surprise?” Clarke says, not making eye contact with any of her friends.
Octavia's face goes from surprised to horrified. “Oh, gross,” she says and turns away, nose screwed up. Bellamy laughs and the quiet breaks, Jasper cheering, I knew it and Miller rolling his eyes and Monty giving Clarke a smile.
Bellamy leans in and presses a kiss to her cheek. “The real thing really is better,” he whispers in her ear.
“Obviously, I wouldn't know,” Clarke grins. “I still haven't opened it, but I'll take your word for it.”