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My Psychos and I

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James Gordon had been through a lot of particurlarly irritating situations in his life but none compared to the scene he had woken up to in the Gordon-Kean-Wayne-Nygma-Valeska-Cobblepot household. 

Barbara and Jerome were having a good 'ol knife fight, Ed was tapping the Penguin who was giving the plate of toast an extremely bad look, Bruce and Alfred were having an argument complete with flying arms and pointed fingers.

In order words, Chaos. In his kitchen. He raised his gun and shot at the ceiling, the sound made all of them pause and at least they had the courtesy to look abashed.

"Are you all OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!" . No answer. "LOOK AT THIS KITCHEN! I WAS GONE FOR TEN MINUTES! HOW DID ALL THIS HAPPEN IN TEN MINUTES?!"

There was an awkward silence as Jim slid to the floor, cradling his head. Not too long there were feather light touches, coos and slight tugging at his pants. There were sorries and soon there was the sound of broken dishes being packed up, knives being kept in drawers and soon the sound of idle chatter filled his ears. This was the third time in two weeks he walked into a no-holds barred fight between his "housemates". If he had known this was what they meant by 'rehabilating some dangers to gotham city' he would run for the hill.

But how does a guy like him get stuck with people like them?

Well lets rewind two weeks back.

When commissioner Loeb had come to the station and he saw the commander there, he should have suspected something was fishy the moment he walked in.

"Detective Gordon. I have a special assignment for you."

"What?". He wouldn't lie he was curious on what he wanted him to do. "Hope its not Arkham again"

"No. We need your help in rehabilating some people."

He had a big case and they bothered him for this. He took the file and practically ran out of the office not waiting for them to speak.

Two days later he and six people moved to some house where they were supposed to live and become better people.

Yeah right. Worlds worst punishment; You in a house with people  who aren't quite right up there and some business with you.

James Gordon had really outdone himself this time hadn't he?


 


 

Chapter Text

All stories should presumably start at the beginning but Jim isn't sure what he can call the beginning. 


He could start from when he'd arrived at the sight of Project Cloudover; It was a pale blue three story house, it had a dark blue roof that looked dark against the night sky. The grass on the ground was neatly mowed and crunched under his feet, the lights in the ground floor were on and Jim, not for the first time that evening, wondered who else exactly he would be interacting with for the period of the assignment.


His question was answered when a blonde head stuck out of the front door before darting back inside.


There was no way...


He quickened his steps unknowingly breaking into a sprint as he reached the door, he made for the knob and turned it slowly as the opened to five familiar but unexpected faces. He placed a hand on his holstered gun as he took all of them in.


"Everyone back away from the kid slowly."


They simply stared back at him as if he had another head before Barbara leaned over to Ed, "He doesn't look particularly happy to see us, why isn't he happy to see us?! "


"Because just like I said he probably didn't know what he was getting." Jerome's voice is vindictive and his wide grin is utterly reeking of self-satisfaction.


Jim has a bad feeling. In his life, he's learned his bad feelings usually lead to bad things.


"Detective Gordon is the only one who would make the request unless there is another person who is so intimately acquainted with us that you know of? If there is, do share."


Jerome bristles at Ed and opens his mouth to most likely say something that will trigger off the man's haywire bad moods so Jim hastily cuts in.


"Last time I checked I wasn't invisible but surprisingly no one is paying me any attention."


That catches Penguin's attention and the man has saddled close to him in seconds, "They are completely ill-mannered and I'm sure that no one will blame you if you decide to remove that circus clown from here, Ed has been so-


"Shut it Cobblepot." Barbara's sharp glare cuts off the rest of Penguin's words as she faces Jim with a sunny smile, "Jim you are here for us right? "


There's something in her tone that he sees on all their faces even the on the stony mask Bruce Wayne has on, he doesn't know what to call it but it makes him drop the hand that has been subconsciously gripping his gun and let a tired sigh leave him.


"Unless there's some other group with your distinct...Characters then yes Barb I'm here for you. All of you." He adds the last part when Jerome snorts. The red head moves forward and drops a manila folder on the table before heading up the stairs managing to look important, uninterested and hostile all at once.


Or Jim could start with when he opened the folder scanning the contents; it was simple, in theory, all he had to do was live with each present member in the household till a time in which he would deem them fit to be able to return to Arkham. It was a new form of rehabilitation, putting Jim to nurture them out of what had become their nature.


Ed looked particularly pleased as he carried on a conversation with Bruce, "I told you, I told all of you. Jim is responsible and the best (read:only) person who can do this."


Barbara waits by his side smile close by, "We were waiting for you to get here so we can make dinner, you see no one has eaten... "


He nods a bit not really listening but when she's still there he gives her his full attention, "Anything else? "


"It's just that well Jim we can't actually use the kitchen utensils...unsupervised"


The Penguin sounds unhappy about it and Jim thinks it over. A bunch of criminally insane and violent people given free reign to knives and any other thing that they could easily turn into a weapon plus Bruce Wayne couldn't exactly win a knife fight with luck.


"Well let's be on our way then."


Or maybe he could start with the near disaster dinner turned out to be when Penguin—trying to be a brown noser—vehemently disagreed with what Barbara felt would be a good meal choice and Ed for some reason conveniently agreed with Penguin leaving Bruce who'd simply given the opposing sides a look that had them leaving him out of their petty argument.


Jerome who had retreated to what Barbara confirmed was their sleeping quarters had yet to make an appearance leaving Jim to solve the dispute.


The dispute stopped when Jim popped in microwavable pizza in and settled all three of them with a hard glare. "Sit down. "


"Jim darling I-


"Jim! This woman clearly-


Jim took a breath and released it, "I said, Sit. Down. " He laid emphasis on the words that passed through gritted teeth and all of them all but scurried to sit down heads bowed, Bruce who wasn't part of the offenders gracefully took his seat.


As he placed plates in front of them, he heard Bruce question Barb quietly, "Isn't Mr Valeska eating? "


Barb simply shrugged and they all ate but the question hung in his head.


Or he could just brave on from bedtime where, according to his instructions, he had to escort each person to his/her room and ensure they were comfortable while seeing to any needs they might have.


Barb wanted to hear about work and then she asked for a hug, it made him uncomfortable but she sighed contentedly into his neck before kissing his cheek goodnight.


Ed wanted him to answer riddles (predictably) and the man would have been happy to go all night if not from a withering stare from Jim that made him smile sheepishly.


Bruce was stony and simply said a quiet goodnight but Jim still ruffled his hair and pinched his cheeks, an action that made the boy huff.


Penguin asked discreet questions about the mob and talked about his mother before, and if it was anyone else he would say shyly, ask Jim to pat his hair. Jim had been confused but had petted the man as he was a small animal.


Jerome had glared at him from the second he entered the door, rolled his eyes when Jim asked if he needed anything and dropped his gum into the glass of water that had been set by his bedside table. Jim had endured it all only to be stopped when he was about to leave, "You didn't say goodnight and I love you."


Jim would have stared at him to see if it was a joke but he was tired, "I love you Jerome, goodnight."


The red haired man grinned then scowled and turned his back to Jim.


Or better yet, Jim should probably just say that his life had changed completely from what he'd ever thought was possible and that he didn't quite know where to start. No idea at all.