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Jensen was right. He would freak in the morning. And it’s exactly what he’s doing right this second. He woke up earlier than usual and he might have watched Jared snore away for a while. Completely non-creepy. But then he remembered what he had done and left the bedroom as if the devil was after him. Jensen had taken a quick shower and got dressed in record time before he made his way downstairs. There were still well over three hours to pass until he had to leave for a meeting with his dad and a talent scout. Sadly enough, the talent scout wouldn’t come for any of his players today, but he still has to attend the meeting; get his team’s name out there and praise his players.  

His fiancè is still sound asleep while Jensen busies his nerves with the preparations for their breakfast. He had hoped that Tristan would be kind enough to join him for a few minutes before the teen would rush out for school. However, that plan didn’t pan out. The boy grabbed a slice of toast, muffled a “Mornin’ Jensen. Bye Jensen” and stormed off. So much for getting any sort of distraction until Jared wakes up.

Jensen’s brain is running wild. He’s scared out of his damn mind. Last night he made a decision, a decision that’s more right than wrong. That, however, doesn’t mean Jensen is willing to accept it as something good just yet. Yes, losing Jared could happen at any given time; so much he knows by now. The tragic event that happened during the man’s surgery is evidence enough of how fast their lives could come to an abrupt end.

Having a baby has its pros and cons. For Jared, as far as Jensen is aware of, there would only be pros. That leaves Jensen for the cons parts of becoming parents. Jensen didn’t lie when he said that he couldn’t imagine anyone else to have his child again, other than Jared. And the thought of seeing Jared, growing with a pregnancy definitely has its perks. The possessive side of Jensen would love to show off the evidence of how much Jared belongs to him, that nobody else is ever going to be as good for the younger man than Jensen. That he is the only man out there able to make Jared truly happy.

And isn’t that exactly the point? Making Jared happy. It’s all Jensen ever wanted, all he can think about and nothing else will ever matter as much as seeing his man pleased. All this damn angst and worry is only inside Jensen’s head; branded there by a painful past. It’s not fair to let Jared suffer along with him. Maybe, just maybe, he needs to prove to himself that history won’t repeat itself. Maybe a pregnancy is indeed the wakeup call he so desperately needs.

There’s no doubt that, if they are successful in conceiving, Jensen will have a mental breakdown. He can already see himself hovering, protecting and freaking out when Jared ends up carrying his child and tries so much as to walk two feet on his own. Jared wants this, for them to start a family. Jensen doesn’t believe for one second that Jared has any idea of what kind of psychological shitstorm this will let loose in Jensen’s head. After all the mental trouble Jensen already put them through, there’s a sliver of hope crawling through him that Jared will be strong enough to deal with whatever they have yet to face. It’s for the greater good, right? Jensen’s sure Jared will be able to see it that way, too. Hopefully.

The coffee maker is done gurgling right in time as he hears Jared step under the shower in their upstairs bathroom. Adding a few finishing touches to their breakfast table, Jensen shuts his brain off by preparing his own lunch for the day and leaves everything Jared might need laying on the counter. He can never really remember all the different appointments Jared has. The man’s organizer is a mess and if Jensen ever manages to decipher Jared’s terrible handwriting then he’ll figure out if Jared needs lunch or not. Sometimes his fiancè’s schedule allows him to show up at the field; kidnapping Jensen for some mid-day adventures. For today though? Jensen has no clue. All he knows is that, today, Jared doesn’t need to leave the house until long after breakfast.

When Jared finally appears in the kitchen, Jensen has to bite the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from drooling.  His fiancè is a walking wet dream. Literally. Figuratively. All of it. His damp bangs fall lazily around his strong and intense cheekbones, lips curved into a mischievous smirk. Bastard knows exactly what he looks like, what he’s doing to Jensen. Of course, Jared had to choose the tightest damn shirt he could find and don’t even get him started on those old gray sweatpants. They are so worn out that they’ve grown bigger around the legs, but when Jensen casts his eyes back up, he can’t help himself but stare at how tight they cling to the most delicious hipbones he has ever seen.

If there’s ever going to be a reason for Jensen to hate Jared, it will be because of how much the man’s existence messes with his libido. Jared does as much as breathe and Jensen goes cross-eyed.

Jared walks around the table then, leans down to where Jensen is sitting, and places a soft kiss on his lips. “I should really throw these pants out,” his fiancè whispers against his mouth.

“Don’t you dare.” It’s a warning, a threat. Mentally, Jensen prays that yes, dear God, let Jared throw them away already. But they look too yummy on him. It would be a shame.

While Jared takes his usual seat across from him, Jensen loads their plates with pancakes, eggs and bacon. He is still a terrible cook, but an easy and simple breakfast for them isn’t exactly difficult to handle. And what’s wrong with wanting to spoil your better half a little from time to time?

After only a couple of bites, Jared puts his fork down, his eyes darting anywhere and everywhere, barely reaching Jensen. “We should talk,” he says eventually.

Jensen swallows his bacon and suddenly it doesn’t taste as good as before anymore. Jared looks at him with this strange look in his eyes.

“About last night.” Jared adds after a moment of silence. “It… uh. It was amazing. But I think we need to talk about it.”

The immediate smile that spreads across Jensen’s face was inevitable. Jared is right. It was amazing. And so much more than that. Though, something tells him there’s more Jared wants to share. He guesses that Jared couldn’t find his birth control in the bathroom cabinet. Jensen knows the man takes it every morning, right after waking up, long before he does anything else. With how responsible Jared always is, his fiancè must be nervous about not finding the pills. Jensen decides to enjoy the moment for a while longer. “Yeah, it was… something else. Best sex we’ve ever had. Why? I mean, what’s there to talk about? I figured it was finally time to grow a pair.” Jensen raises his brows, pretending he has no idea what Jared is getting at.

“I appreciate it. I really do. And you know how much I wanted this to happen, but we shouldn’t. Not again.” Jared picks his fork back up, stabbing his food with it in a clear attempt to murder the fried pig on his plate all over again. The guy is so nervous, his whole body glowing with guilt.

“Why not?” Jensen puts on his best disappointing and offended look.

Jared doesn’t say anything for half a minute, but eventually lets his silverware clatter onto the table and raises his hands to rub his temples. “My birth control is gone. I can’t… I can’t find it. There’s no way I’ll be able to drive into town for a new prescription today or tomorrow. By the time I get a new pack we… I mean, the effect will wear off and then we gonna have to wait another six to eight weeks until it’s all good again.” He shoves his hands through his hair, trying fruitlessly to tame his hair and get it out of the way. Beneath the table, Jensen can feel the furious shake of Jared’s legs. “I have no idea where these fucking pills are, Jen. They were in the cabinet just yesterday.”

Torturing his fiancè wasn’t exactly Jensen’s plan, but his evil inner voice can’t let the fun die. “I’ve seen them.” Jensen answers. And only then does Jared look at him again, a shimmer of hope rising in his multi-colored eyes. “They’re in the bathroom trashcan, upstairs,” he adds and takes another bite of bacon.

“What?” Jared all but squeaks, fear so prominent in his posture that Jensen is sure his man is going to start freaking out any second now. “Jensen, I didn’t put them there. I didn’t. Jen, I swear to God. I didn’t throw ‘em away. You know I’d never do that. I couldn’t do that to you.”

When Jared’s eyes begin to tear up, Jensen plasters on his most serious face. “I know you wouldn’t. ‘s why I love you so much, the fact that I can trust you more than anyone else.” Jensen pushes his almost empty plate aside in favor of his coffee mug. He reaches for the coffee pot and pours enough to leave his cup half full again. “I dumped your pills. More coffee?” He asks, holding out the coffee pot for his fiancè.

For half an eternity Jared only stares at him, mouth agape and eyes blinking wildly. Jensen shrugs and puts the coffee pot down on the coaster. He takes a long sip from his cup, eyes locked with Jared’s.

“You did what? Jen, why the hell would you do that?”

The sheer look of distress in Jared’s eyes can only mean that he expects the worst answer to come. No more sex. As if that will ever happen. “Take a wild guess.” Jensen sips more coffee from his cup.

The way Jared studies his face, trying with everything he has to come up with an answer, is kind of delightful. Jensen enjoys every second of the squirming mess that is his future husband.

“Well, either you’re trying to tell me that you don’t wanna have sex with me anymore or… or…” Jared’s brows rise as high as his hairline, his jaw drops impossibly wide and if Jensen is not mistaken then his fiancè is picking up on everything. Then Jared shakes his head, disbelief visibly paining him. “No. This is a joke, right? You’re joking. Jensen, this is so not funny.”

“Not joking.” Even though there is still a whole portion of fear rushing through him, he needs this to happen. Not only for Jared, but for them. If he doesn’t pull his head out of his ass now, then who knows how many years Jared will be able and willing to put up with him. Their love might be strong enough to last a lifetime, but Jensen can imagine that someday, maybe in a decade or two, Jared will blame him and his fears for never allowing them to have a child of their own.

“Don’t mess with me. Seriously. Don’t.” His fiancè is trying his hardest to stop the tears from pushing out of his lids. It hurts Jensen to see the man he loves suffer and it only proves his earlier thoughts to be correct. This is one of the most important ways he can make Jared truly happy.

“Come ‘ere.” He says then, holding his hand out over the table. Jared takes it reluctantly. When Jensen has a firm grip on his man he pulls slightly, enough for Jared to get the hint.

As soon as Jared is standing right next to him, Jensen shoves his chair backwards, far enough so Jared has enough room when he pulls him onto his lap, allowing Jared to straddle him. Cupping his fiancè’s cheeks in both his hands, Jensen drags Jared down and slots their lips together. It’s soft and warm and too reserved for Jensen’s liking. “I’m scared.” Jensen admits as he presses his lips against his lover’s again. “I… I love you Jay and I wanna give this to you.” Jensen takes a deep breath and swallows hard. There, he said it. Cat’s out. All he can pray for now is that Jared will understand how difficult a situation this will be for Jensen. He will surely  temporarily lose his sanity in the near future.

“Jen, are you-” A sob wrecks Jared, making his whole body shudder and leaving his cheeks covered in salty wetness.

Jensen thumbs every single drop away, kissing his way along Jared’s cheekbone, “yeah, I’m sure. But… Jay, you gotta… you gotta promise me something.”

Not able to say another word, Jared throws his arms around Jensen’s neck, face hiding on Jensen’s shoulder and their chests flush against one another.

Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s middle, his hands rubbing slow and gently over the man’s back. “When it happens…”, for some reason Jensen finds it difficult to get the actual word out. An internal dilemma; thoughts of bad luck raining upon him when he so much as wants to say the word pregnant. “Jay, you know me. I’ll go crazy and act like an idiot. You need to promise me that you’ll level me, get my feet back on the ground.”

He can feel the shake of Jared’s head, the clear sign of a yes but he’s shaking, like there is more to be said. It’s that moment that makes Jensen realize how heavy a weight he had put on Jared’s shoulders. Now that the words left his mouth, Jensen can feel the tension releasing in Jared, relief and peace washing over him.

The slightly taller man clings to him like a vice, crying, sobbing and letting his emotions free, bearing his soul by showing Jensen how badly he always wanted this, how much it means to him. This is a milestone in their relationship and Jensen holds on. It’s all he can do, hold on. Love and be loved. The chances of finding such devotion is one in a million. He cherishes everything they have, even the bumps in the roads they had to cross and even more so the greater things still waiting for them to experience.

“...love you.” Jensen says then. A hushed whisper, followed by a gentle press of lips against Jared’s temple. He doesn’t stop there, can’t stop. While leaving a trail of feathery kisses along Jared’s jaw, stubble soft against his own, Jensen grabs Jared’s hips to pull him even closer against his torso. It’s only then that Jared lets go, untangles his arms from around Jensen to chase after his mouth. Their lips meet, the taste of breakfast and tears mix in an instant. The position is hardly comfortable, Jensen has to crane his neck to hunt Jared’s trembling lips. And yet, he wouldn’t want it any other way.

When Jared opens his eyes to lock his gaze with him, Jensen can see it all. Euphoria, hope, gratefulness, pure love and still a sliver of doubt. “Jen…” he hums, leaning down again, adding another peck of wet lips against the corner of Jensen’s mouth. “I don’t know what to say. I…” He trails off again, cheeks flushed and eyes red with tears. “...can’t believe this is happening.” Jared snivels, his face a cross between cries and smiles.

Jensen is sure that, because of such a rushed revelation, it will take Jared some time to see how serious he really is. “Believe it,” he says then before he pulls Jared down against his mouth again.

His fiancè smiles against his lips, still unsure and strained and Jensen can’t take this half-happiness half-sadness any longer. There is nobody else to blame for all these mixed emotions in Jared but him. And only he can prove to his man that yes, this is happening. Actions speak louder than words. If Jared has trouble believing his word, then he’ll have to show Jared how true to his word he is.

Not caring for finesse or gentle touches, Jensen tightens his grip on Jared, almost painfully so, bruising his hips as he searches out the man’s lips again. He drags, pulls and crashes his mouth against Jared’s, forcing a surprised gasps out of the man. But Jensen swallows it down and goes right at it again. A second or two pass before Jared is on the same page with him when he hungrily parts his lips for Jensen. Their tongues clash, collide and fight. It’s fast, hard and desperate. When Jensen begins to greedily suck on Jared’s tongue, heavy moans escape into the air between them. He isn’t sure who is making them but when Jared begins to circle his hips oh so invitingly Jensen doesn’t need any second guesses. He just holds Jared there, nails digging through the fine material of the man’s sweatpants. Heat rises within him, a heat so familiar, yet changed. Every single nerve ending within him is tingling in anticipation. Jared’s mouth addicting like never before, his ripped chest gliding, rubbing and pressing against Jensen in a way that leaves no room for questions on where this is going. Out of breath and drugged on love, Jared is the first to break their kiss, resting his forehead against Jensen’s.

“Please.” Panting, Jared pleads with him and applies more pressure against Jensen’s hands as he tries to lower his body further against Jensen, grinding his ass deeper onto his lap.

Always willing to oblige and not strong enough to say no to such an eager request, Jensen loosens his hold, working his right hand underneath the waistband of Jared’s sweatpants. It’s a tight fit with how close the taller man is pressed against him, but it doesn’t stop Jensen from going further still. He doesn’t waste any time and goes straight to the object of his desire. He isn’t surprised to find Jared already half hard, thick length jerking as he wraps his hand around the hot flesh. Jared’s eyes fly open, staring right into Jensen’s soul, a look of wonderment almost always so prominent, as if Jared never expects this to happen; Jensen touching him. It’s a sight for sore eyes and never ceases to amaze him that, after all this time, he is still able to have this massive effect on his fiancè.

He squeezes Jared’s long shaft harder, thumb rubbing under the crown, fist stroking upwards and then down again. Two strokes later, Jensen switches tactics and slows his pace which only pushes Jared’s buttons more. The man is eagerly writhing on his lap, trying in earnest to get more of the sweet friction.

While he keeps his hand busy engulfing Jared’s cock, treating it just the right way to ensure full hardness, Jensen sneaks his left hand over Jared’s hip. Down. Slowly. Further. Until his palm is flush against Jared’s perfectly sculptured ass. Jared strains himself, unsure of which pleasure to focus on first or most; pushing his erection deeper into Jensen’s fist or his ass harder against Jensen’s hand.

“More…” Jared demands in a rushed and labored tone of voice. His breath ghosting hot and coarse over Jensen’s face.

It’s always so easy for Jensen to work him up like this. Fast, barely touching and already Jared becomes a mess of want. Not able to deny his man anything anymore, he keeps pumping Jared’s silky soft cock all while his other hand eventually finds its way to the man’s crack. One finger, there, stroking, rubbing, circling in between until he comes in contact with Jared’s furled hole. Hot to the touch and screaming to be taken care of, Jensen pushes one digit inside, up to the first knuckle. No warning, no subtlety and Jared cries out with a god damn growl. He wants to give Jared time, time to adjust and get used to the intrusion. But the man isn’t having any of it and pushes his ass down until Jensen’s finger is completely sheathed within his tight channel. Jensen lifts his head, enough to scrape his teeth over Jared’s kiss-swollen lips, “you want it that bad, huh?”

The only answer he receives is Jared moving his ass up and down on Jensen’s finger, slamming onto it faster as soon as the resistance lessens. If Jared wants this, then he’s going to get it. Without a proper warning, Jensen removes his finger and his hand from around Jared’s cock, shoving him up and off his lap. The confused look from Jared is worth a smirk before Jensen commands, “strip!”

And Jared does. No elegance needed as he pushes his sweatpants and boxers down, leaving his hard length right in front of Jensen’s hungry eyes. He could, he really could, just lean forward and wrap his lips around the beautiful organ in front of him, but decides against it. In one hurried move, he turns Jared around, shoving his chair a few more inches backwards. “Spread ‘em,” Jensen orders with a light tap against the man’s legs and as soon as Jared complies, Jensen grabs both globes in his hands, pulling them apart until Jared is on full display for him. Jensen could sit there all day, watching Jared squirm and beg to be touched. Though, he doesn’t waste any time and leans in, his tongue licking a short line upwards over the twitching hole. Jensen keeps doing that alone for half a minute and only when Jared begins to push his ass further onto his tongue does Jensen stab it inside. Jared is keening in his hold, pushing and thrusting, still begging for more. By the next thrust of his man’s hips, Jensen drives a finger alongside his tongue. It’s a smooth slide in, spit easing the way and Jensen gives him another finger; spreading Jared too far, just right but not fast enough.

“Jesus fuck!” Jared yelps out, breath knocked out of his lungs.

For a short moment Jensen thinks it’s too much. The last thing on the menu is causing Jared any kind of pain. However, the second Jensen crooks his fingers just so, Jared begins to thrust his hips again, fucking himself ruthlessly on the digits. Next to his fingers, Jensen keeps licking, biting and sucking at Jared’s entrance. Jared’s hands have a tight grip on the edge of their table, so much so that the table’s legs creak, moving an inch under the pressure.

“Fuck. Jensen. Please.” It’s a whine, as desperate as can be, and Jensen smiles against Jared’s cheeks.

Jensen pulls back then and gets up from his chair. His legs are shaking, not as bad as Jared’s but the prospect of being inside his man always has this physical effect on him. As soon as he’s got his legs under control, he pulls Jared up and away from the table, spinning him around so they‘re face to face again. “Needy much?” Jensen wants to know and doesn’t wait for an answer from Jared.

Jensen starts thinking, fast; Jared is in no condition to walk much. So, Jensen does what any attentive fiancè would do. He squints at their perfectly laid out breakfast and smirks at Jared; reaching behind the taller man, he uses one aggressive move to shove almost everything from the table‘s surface. Plates, silverware, cups and scraps of food, everything clatters to the floor. It’s loud, practically deafening, and startles the both of them. There’s no room or time for worrying and Jensen pushes Jared against the table, ass colliding with the edge and Jensen keeps pushing, doesn’t stop until Jared’s back is laying flush on the surface. Jensen moves right in between Jared’s legs, wraps them around his waist and leans down to leave a trail of sloppy wet kisses over Jared’s chest, up to his throat.

His own cock feels madly neglected, growing with every passing second, hard flesh pushing against the zipper of his jeans. Jensen hates it more than anything when he can’t keep his hands on Jared, but greater things require a brief moment of hands off. It’s only long enough to open his offending jeans, helping them down so they pool around his ankles.

Jensen holds Jared in place, left hand pressed possessively on Jared’s middle while he starts stroking his own cock; the simple touch is almost painful, he is that worked up already. He lines himself up then, eyes glued to the short distance between Jared’s gaping entrance and his dick. Something in him wants him to stop right there, to not go any further. It’s the voice of worry and fear trying to put an end to this madness but then he looks up, forcing his eyes to look at Jared. The man is breathing heavy, limbs shaking violently around his waist, chest rising and falling against Jensen’s palm and his eyes are hooded; pleading and begging Jensen to keep going.

“Say you want this.” Jensen stutters out. “Say you won’t leave me.” It should be a deal breaker to ask this of Jared. Jared’s already proved where he stands in their relationship. His fiancè understands immediately, eyes growing heavy with angst. Jared knows what Jensen is looking for. This isn’t a ‘don’t break up with me’ request. Jared knows. It’s right there, written all over his face, the evidence of how painfully Jensen’s past affected their relationship from the get go. He can’t lose Jared, he can’t. Jensen won’t be able to cope with another ache that deep.

Jared reaches for Jensen’s hand on his chest, covering it with his own, squeezing lightly as he moves it up, leaving it to rest over his heart. It’s beating crazily in the man’s chest, Jensen can feel every thump of it.

“Never.” Jared breathes out. He licks his lips, takes another lungful of air and speaks again, “never leaving you.”

They both know it could be a lie; they can’t make promises that big to each other. Neither of them knows when their time comes, but whatever their future brings, all Jensen wants is for Jared to be okay. He needs Jared to outlive him. No matter how. There is no way around it; their lives can’t go any other way.

Jensen nods, small, barely visible but he accentuates it with an understanding smile. As soon as he manages to tear his eyes off of Jared’s expecting face, his gaze lands between their groins again. Jensen teases, nudges his cock against Jared’s hot opening. In one fluid thrust of his pelvis, he pushes all the way inside. Jared’s whole body goes tense in his hold, the man’s hand clutches his own on Jared’s chest, lacing their fingers so tightly that Jensen feels the man’s nails tearing the inside of his palm.

“Holy hell!” A guttural scream escapes Jared as he tenses up even more.

Jensen frees both his hands then, leans over Jared and cups his face with both of his hands, pushing his cock further inside Jared with the movement. He searches out Jared’s parted lips and licks his way inside, sucking every ounce of anxiety out of his man. When he believes Jared to be adjusted enough to the rapid intrusion, Jensen grabs him by the hips and pulls him closer to the edge of the table and begins to rock their bodies with slow fluid thrusts. With every new push and pull, Jensen increases his speed and when he is vigorously hammering his cock inside his fiancè he begins stroking Jared’s still hard flesh in earnest strokes that move in unison with his thrusts.

Jared is a wreck in his hold, moaning like a whore, screaming for harder and deeper, writhing in raw need and giving his best to meet Jensen’s every thrust. The table is creaking and complaining underneath them. Jared covers Jensen’s hand with his own again, encouraging him to stroke him faster.

Jensen can barely hold his climax at bay, so he lets Jared guide him, dictate the speed of his hand. He wants to see Jared losing it, falling apart underneath him, with his throbbing cock buried balls deep inside Jared’s ass. Sweat pools on their skin, the damp slap of their thrusting bodies leaves the kitchen filled with echoes of lust and filthy sex.

His fiancè comes only moments later, as Jensen pounds into him good and proper. His tight opening gripping Jensen, holding on, pulling him completely inside. Jared is shaking, his whole body vibrating when his climax reaches its highest point. Tears begin to stream down Jared’s face, tears that Jensen knows mean bliss, satisfaction and a whole new world awaiting them. All Jensen can do is watch, appreciate and enjoy this unspoken moment between them. He rides Jared through all of it, chasing his own peak. Only when he comes, filling Jared with all he has to give, does he still his body. With the amount of emotions he let loose, Jensen feels exhausted; blissed and sated, but exhausted. Jensen leans down, close enough to pepper Jared’s abs with kisses.

Jensen feels the need to let go, to pull out and get his limbs under control. It feels as if his legs are about to give out any minute now, but Jared won’t let him. The man pushes himself up into a sitting position, ass hanging over the edge of the table, legs still wrapped around Jensen’s waist, pulling Jensen deep inside of him again. They don’t speak for long minutes, their eyes glued to one another, chests heaving and arms slotting together.

“I believe you.” Jared says, his shaking breath waking goosebumps on Jensen’s heated skin.

He smiles at Jared, parting his lips, allowing Jared to enter and plunder. They enjoy the emotional moment, sharing lazy kisses and basking in hope. And that’s exactly what bubbles up in Jensen when he thinks about what just happened. Hope. It rises within him and he feels lighter all of a sudden. Maybe someday he will be able to consider himself carefree. It’ll be a long way. But as long as Jared is with him, obviously, he can overcome practically anything.

“So…” Jensen begins, circling his hips enough to wring a gasp out of Jared. “You think they gonna gift us some new dishes for the wedding?”

Jared’s answer is a loud and booming laughter.

Yeah, they’ll need more than just new dinnerware. The kitchen is a mess, pure chaos. Jensen couldn’t care less. They’ll worry about it whenever they feel ready to let go of each other.

 

The End (for now. More soon!)