The pain was so great that it was almost tangible. The feeling of utter depression, hopelessness, being unloved, and feeling like nobody in the world cared about him. It was spilling out in blood and tears. Quite and very literally.
Timothy McGee sat in his empty bathtub after a long day of work, sobbing uncontrollably, razor in his hand and pressed against his already bleeding and sliced arm. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t control it. Weeks off his anti-depressant medications, Tim had started to feel the effects of being off them. He knew he had to go back and start them up again. Or else he’d be locked away in the Psychiatric Ward again. Lest Gibbs or Abby find his scars again.
This wasn’t the first time Tim had cut himself. It wasn’t going to be the last, either. The time when Gibbs found out had been numbing, but daunting. Gibbs was furious in the most fatherly way and took him to Dr. Rachel Cranston. She immediately had Tim placed in Psych. It was a very long, very lonely month. He didn’t want to go back. But it looked like he would have to once again.
Tim knew that the reason he was doing this was stupid, but it was true. It was all Tony DiNozzo’s fault. after years of putting up with his coworker verbally abusing him and taunting him about everything from Tim’s weight to his hobbies, it was just still too much. Especially after dealing with past abuse from boyfriends Tim had in college and high school. Tony just reminded him of them all. It was painful and sometimes, it got too much to handle.
Pressing the cool blade against his skin, Tim leaned his head forwards with a sob and quickly pulled against his skin, making a fresh new cut that bled out immediately. He couldn’t stop. He was shaking. He wanted help, but he was scared. He didn’t want to get fired. He didn’t want to get into trouble. Tim felt stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
He just wanted someone to care. Someone to love him. Why was that so hard? Why was it so hard for him to find love? Why was it so daunting to think that he could have someone … even if it was Tony? Tim leaned his head against the shower’s wall. Why did he have to be so undesirable? Why did he have to be such a loser? A geek? Why did he have to be so fat and gross? All of these things ran through the young agent’s head as he sobbed and made another deep cut on his arm. He just wanted someone to love him.
His dad hated him, Gibbs hated him, Abby didn’t even want to date him! Nobody loved him, Tim concluded. It all started with his dad and now ended with people at word. Maybe. Maybe it would just end period. He could do it. He was a federal agent with a gun. One shot and that’s it. He wouldn’t have to deal with the pain anymore.
No. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave his sister behind. He couldn’t. Tim loved Sarah more than anything. Nothing was worth leaving her over. He needed help. He needed to face the fear of Gibbs being pissed off at him.
Shakily reaching for his cell phone on the floor, Tim picked it up dialing Gibbs as he still cried and the blood dripped all over the floor and bathtub. He didn’t want to go back, but he knew that he needed to. He had to do this. It was scary, but dying was worse. Tony wasn’t worth dying over. Maybe cutting over and crying over in Tim’s mind, but not dying over. It would just feed his ego.
Leaning his head back and closing his eyes, Tim waited for his boss to pick up the phone. When Gibbs answered gruffly, Tim just cried for a moment. It took him a while before he could properly and clearly speak up. The only thing he could muster out was “Help” in a very pitiful, sobbing tone. Gibbs didn’t need to be told twice.
Waiting for his boss to come help him seemed like it took hours. Tim just sat in the tub crying, dropping the razor blade in the tub beside his feet. He had no energy and willpower to cut anymore. He just wanted to cry. That’s all. Cry and hate himself and let every bad thing run through his mind that he believed he was. What everyone made him believe that he was.
When Gibbs arrived, Tim cried harder. Gibbs couldn’t do anything but look at his young agent in fear and sorrow and hug Tim close to him. This man was like a son to him and Gibbs felt immediate guilt and hurt for Tim. He helped Tim get bandaged and cleaned up before heading to the hospital, calling Rachel along the way.
Tim was quite the entire ride. He didn’t want to talk about it. He knew that Gibbs would respect that. They would talk later when he could have visitors and Rachel would advise them to talk. Gibbs would help later on, too.
Once at the hospital, Gibbs escorted Tim inside, outside the doors of the Psych floor where Rachel stood. Tim looked down tearfully, ashamed and hurting. Gibbs gave his young agent a tight hug. The only thing he could offer was a soft, “You’ll be okay, Tim.” before letting the man go and watching him get locked away for God only knew how long.
Tim hung his head crying once he was admitted and into a room. Rachel left him alone to grieve over what he’d done. To nobody at all, Tim couldn’t help but to sob and utter a soft, “I’m sorry.”