Work Header

Blarts and Vampire Farts: A Love Story

Work Text:

It was a Tuesday evening, and the sun was setting over Cairo. Shadows of the cityscape stretched over the dry earth, cloaking the normally sunbaked streets in relieving darkness. In a rather unremarkable mansion, a beefy blonde man wearing elf shoes paced hastily.
“Kono Dio Darn,” he wryyed impatiently, flipping his strangely spikey mullet over his shoulder. Vanilla Ice had promised to take him to that new mall tonight, and he was running suspiciously late.
Dio started to make his lap around the room for the fifteenth time when he heard a faint rapping coming from the other side of his door.
“Ice Ice Baby…”
The smelly vampire perked up at this familiar tune, “Vanilla Ice? Are you finally ready?” He pulled open the door eagerly and was greeted by Vanilla Ice’s usual pasty face.
“Yo Dio, my boy, sorry for the wait; I had to find my best leotard,” Ice responded in his usual unholy annoying tone.
Dio’s brow furrowed with mild annoyance, as all of Vanilla Ice’s leotards were literally identical, but this feeling passed quickly. He was in a very good mood and he wasn’t going to let this ruin his evening.
The blood sucking banana man was decked out in his finest attire, a croptop with “DIO” printed on it in comic sans, as well as some designer oversized jorts which he had received as a gift from Pucci (his buldge was fully on display, of course). He clicked his heels in anticipation.
“Well then, let’s quit the dilly-dally and be on our way then!” Dio plowed through Vanilla Ice, knocking him to the floor as he bounded down the hallway like an excited child.

The walk to the mall was highly uneventful, apart from Dio needing to stop every so often to discuss the passing cars, “These automobiles… such speed and power. Back when I was born we had only horse carriages,” he’d muse to himself as he strolled gleefully.
The area outside the mall was strangely lifeless. Vanilla Ice and Dio seemed to be the only two people there, not that Dio was complaining. More shopping for him.
He extended an arm towards the glass door of the sizable building before being startled by a sudden noise.
Dio and his ungodly lame companion spun around to get a look at the source of the noise, and then Dio saw him. He was a portly, mustached man with a security guard uniform, riding upon a Segway that seemed to struggle beneath his weight. Dio’s heart doki-dokied in his chest as he took in this wonderful man’s beauty.
“O-oh my…” Dio touched a hand to his lips and posed in a sultry manner as the man approached them at a blistering pace of about half a mile an hour.
“DON’T MESS WITH MY MALL,” the mall cop bellowed, seemingly at no one in particular.
Dio batted his eyelashes as he was hit by the man’s scent. He smelled of sweat and poor film choices, and it was…. Curiously alluring. “I assure you, we have no intention of messing with your mall,” he said in his most seductive tone, “Might I ask… who you might be?”
“BLART,” he shouted in response, now only about fifteen yards away from them.
Dio swooned slightly, what an absolutely splendid name. Quite fitting of the lovely man before him, “Well… Hello Mr. Blart. My name is Dio, and this eyesore here is Vanilla Ice,”
“Yo,” Ice cut in.
The Segway strained audibly, clearly working at full capacity, “HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY MALL. DON’T MESS WITH IT.” Blart gave Dio a quick look, giving the vampire the doki-dokis again, “LOVE THE JORTS,”
Dio leaned against Vanilla Ice, trying his best not to let his knees give out, “Thank you… I like your… Mustache…” he bit his lip lustfully, he hadn’t felt this kind of attraction since JOJO! It was certainly a…. strange experience. Vanilla didn’t notice.
After much waiting and awkward silence, Blart finally made it over to the two other men. Dio had forgotten about his desire to go shopping, and was instead infused with infatuation towards this strange mall cop. “Say, Mr. Blart?” he cooed.
“WHAT?” Blart responded sexily, his bellow sharp and his breath smelling of Hot Pockets.
“You’re… a very handsome man,” Dio purred, stroking the other’s Segway sensually.
“AND YOU RESEMBLE A BANANA,” Blart replied in a tone of voice that got Dio harder than that time he stabbed Jonathan in the butt with a fork.
Dio moaned slightly, “Oooh, my, you’re quite the charmer aren’t you~?” he licked his lips and cradled Blart’s face.
And then they did it, right there in front of the mall. Vanilla Ice didn’t notice.