No one knew how the red, floating envelope made its way onto the bridge of The Finalizer, nor did they know why it stopped in front of their esteemed General Hux. And they certainly had no idea why the general looked utterly terrified at it.
“Oh,” he practically moaned out, completely losing the calculating coldness that all had come to expect from him. “Oh no. No, please-”
Then the envelope transformed, developing what seemed to be a mouth and teeth – and then the yelling started.
“William Weasley!” It screeched. It was a woman's voice, filled with utter anger and disappointment. “How dare you run off like that? Do you know what you have done to this family?! Poor Fleur is utterly heartbroken, and Victoire keeps asking why her daddy left! And if that isn't enough, you have the audacity to blow up planets?! Complete planets! Where did I go wrong raising you!? Did you learn nothing from fighting the Death Eaters!?”
“Shoot it!” the general yelled, hysterical. “Phasma, shoot it! That is an order!”
The chrome clad captain attempted to follow said order, but the screaming paper moved, dodging the bolt and continued yelling. It wasn't certain which was louder; the woman's disembodied voice or the laughter coming from behind Kylo Ren's mask.
“I have never been more ashamed of one of my children in my life! Do you know how your siblings are taking this? Percy refuses to even mention your name, Charlie spends all his time with his dragons, Ron keeps thinking he could have seen this coming and I had to stop Ginny from attempting a 'rescue mission' to come and get you! And George! Poor George, after- after everything, do you really think your siblings deserve to lose another brother!? Do you think me and your father deserve to lose another son!?”
“That's his mother?” Lt. Mitaka whispered, half terrified and half impressed.
“I like her,” Phasma responded, respect growing for the woman that bore their general.
“Someone kill me now,” Hux whined, covering his face with his hands.
“I volunteer,” Kylo Ren offered between his hysterical laughter, which sounded like it had progressed into sobs of enjoyment.
“By Merlin, I swear, Bill, I will travel there and drag you home by your ear, do you hear me!? And you don't even have the courage to use your real name! What sort of name is Hux!? Think yourself too good to be a Weasley?! You know who else changed his name before killing people!?”
“Molly, dear,” a calmer, masculine voice could be heard saying in the background, “I don't think this-”
“No, Arthur, gods help me, I will knock some sense into our son! Do you hear that, Bill!? People get sent to Azkaban for this sort of thing! Is that what you want!? You are going to act like a respectable young wizard, and if I hear about one more atrocity from you, I will bring you straight home!”
The envelope then burst into flames, falling and turning into ash on the bridge floor. Hux quickly stamped it out with his boot and fell into his command chair, covering his face in mortifying embarrassment.
After what seemed to be like forever, finally, someone spoke. Kylo Ren's voice echoed throughout the room.
“So... Bill, huh?”