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Wide Awake and Dreaming

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o it would seem that having followed the multiple links that has been either posting or sending me and after watching what was televised of the Out of Control Concert (please, please, please, please, please, please, please let them release a DVD) that I have been distracted from the many other things that I am meant to be writing and have to dabble in the world of Cheryl/Nadine. Cause no matter what anyone thinks they are So Doing It! Also there is not enough squee in the world to describe how excited I am that Cheryl has little plaits during the concert. Am so going to have watch X-factor as I am finding that my Cheryl love is ultra high right now.


It’s not the first time they’ve completed the show. They’ve been rehearsing for what feels like forever and even though there were times that they thought they’d never get through the line-up successfully enough to present it to the public those days are over. It’s not even the first time that they’ve completed the show for an audience. There have been countless dress rehearsals and previews and two proper performances but somehow tonight feels like the first time that it was real. The energy from the crowd was palpable and even though they are now soaking their feet and complaining of swollen ankles there is still electricity in the air. She knows from the atmosphere and the free flowing libations that, despite the fact they have a concert in two days and have to be on the road tomorrow, this will not be a night for collapsing into bed early.

She is hardly leading the stakes in the alcohol races but she’s not exactly slacking either. She is probably well over the legal limit before she manages to get out of her costume and she is as enthusiastic as anyone when the suggestion comes that they should continue the party elsewhere.

One of the many upsides to her current life is that her makeup needs an angle grinder in order to remove it so there is no need to be attempting to paint her eyes on with an unsteady hand, she is simply able to throw on her clothes and go as is. There are downsides however, the idea of going out on the town is no longer a simple procedure. Getting into a club has become something akin to a military exercise and they can’t just make their way to the dance floor to expend their energy. Instead it’s VIP rooms, expensive liquor, sycophants and the dance of manufactured sincerity. That’s not to say that she’s not having a good time. Her blood is alive with alcohol and adrenaline, she is practically buzzing and it seems that the others are feeling the same.

Cinderella time has well and truly gone and she is still going strong. Well at least she thinks she is, it’s possible that her judgement might be a tad impaired. Nicola and Cheryl seem to have disappeared into the ether. She does recall that the two of them were dancing on a table a while ago but she has no idea what has happened to them. Their absence doesn’t seem to concern her, she realises that they will return sooner of later and is content to sit and drink. She is itching for a cigarette and curses the smoking ban with vehemence.

Sarah is a long way from paralytic but she isn’t exactly abstaining and apparently she is not content to wait for table service, even though they have been hovering like hummingbirds, and announces that she is off to the bar for a round. The blonde stands without much grace and before she makes her way to the bar she hugs Kimberly and places a decidedly wet kiss on her cheek.

Nadine obviously fails to keep the bemused expression from her face as Kimberly looks daggers at her and says. “What?”


“You were definitely thinking something.”

Her eyes follow Sarah, “I just thought that she was a little enthusiastic in her departing gesture.”

“You thought more than that,” Kim replies with an uneasy smile.

“She really likes you. You know that don’t ya?”

“I happen to be very likable.”

Nadine snorts and some of her cocktail spills from her nose, the bubbles causing irritation to her nostrils. “Do you ah like her?”

“Of course I do. I like all of you. It would make life difficult if I didn’t.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.”

“I know.”

“But it’s all ya gonna say?”

“It’s just not that simple.”

“So you are sorta tempted.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Cause of Justin?”

“Amongst other things.”

She knows that she is treading on thin ice but she has a feeling that it’s now or never with regard to her questions, “What about before him. Did ya ever think about it.”

“Can you imagine what a mess of things it would make if the band had to deal with internal lover’s tiffs and break-ups?”

“You thought about that back then? Even when we could have just been a flash in the pan?” She is thankful every single day that that is not what happened.

“Relationships are complicated we can’t all be as lucky as you.”

“Cause my love life’s been fabulous and having your multiple fights and break-ups all over the papers is just every girl’s dream.”

“That’s not what I was talking about and you know it.” This is strange new territory. The others have to know about Cheryl, there are only so many kisses that can be written of as spontaneous expressions of jeux de vie, but they never ever say anything. Kimberly smiles at her with affection and covers her hand with her own, “It’s ok, I’m not judging you.” That relieves her more than it should. She has never felt that being with Cheryl was wrong so she shouldn’t fear being judged and yet she does. “It’s doesn’t matter anyway. Most of the world thinks she’s getting it on with me.”

She blushes and fights an involuntary pang of jealousy, “That’s good to know.”

“Hey it’s ok. I would never come between you. Not that I could anyway.”

“You make it sound like you’ve thought ‘bout it,” she really needs to get a handle on the jealousy thing.

“No I’ve just spent a lot of time with her. You should try climbing a bloody mountain with the woman. It’s all ‘I’m hot. I miss Nadine. I’m cold. Nadine is so amazing. I can’t walk any further. I wonder what Nadine is doing now? The ground’s too hard to sleep on. I wish Nadine were here.’ It’s positively sickening.”

Nadine can’t help but smile, “You do know that everyone thinking that you’re shagging her means that no-one would suspect anything about you and Sarah.”

“I told you it’s too complicated. I’m not sure how the two of you do it.”

Most of the time she’s not sure herself. She spends much of her time thinking that it’s just too difficult – there is too much distance, too much time apart, there is too much pain and Cheryl has too much of a husband but the minute she sees Cheryl or even hears her voice she knows that she could never give her up. Her reverie is interrupted by the return of Sarah. For a girl who had trouble standing up she is doing an amazing job of carrying a tray full of shots and she has Cheryl and Nicola following in her wake. The trio squash themselves into the couch and Cheryl nearly ends up in her lap. She’s not complaining but she still feels a little embarrassed when Kim raises her eyebrows and then winks at her.

The night eventually winds down. No-one comments on the fact that Cheryl heads off to the hotel rather than to Surrey. They say their goodnights along the way and eventually make it to Nadine’s room. She throws her handbag onto the bag and rummages through it before sitting down and lighting her cigarette, “Man I’ve been dying for a fag.”

Cheryl pouts at her, “And here we’ve been dying to kiss ya.” She notes that despite her statement Cheryl takes the proffered cigarette. “You should smoke less ya know?”

“Look who’s talking.”

“I’m serious. I swear your voice is getting deeper.”

“It’s all your fault that I smoke so much anyway.”

“How can that be. We don’t get to see each other that much.”

“Exactly. I have to smoke cause I miss you so much.”

“Oh poor baby,” Cheryl replies and scoots up the bed to rest against the headboard. “I’m here now so you’s got no need to smoke so much.”

“No,” she places the cigarette in her mouth so that she can crawl up the bed to join Cheryl, “ now I have to smoke cause you’re near and I wanna touch you all the time and I can’t. I am thinking that if I get cancer I’m gonna be able to sue you.”

“I can’t help if I’m so alluring that you can’t control yourself. That’ll totally be me defence by the way,” Cheryl extinguishes both their cigarettes and pulls Nadine to her. “I wish you’d come to mine tonight.”

“We wouldn’t be able to this if I had,” Nadine kisses her firmly.

“True but you’d be sleeping near us and I like that.”

“So do I but I like this too,” she states as she removes Cheryl’s top. “I was talking about you with Kimberly tonight,” she murmurs between kisses.

“Really,” Cheryl’s hands travel up her legs.

“Yeah. Why d’ya think everyone thinks you’re on with her and not me.”

“Does that bother you,” a finger traces her nose.

“A little.”

“Sweetheart,” Cheryl kisses her tenderly, “I’m here aren’t I? I always have been.”

“I know. Kim said something about that too.”

“You two talked a lot.”

“I guess we did. She said we were lucky.”

“I’ve always thought so, “ Cheryl’s dimples are so deep that she could fall into them.

“Did you ever worry that by being together we could have messed things up for the band?”

“I never thought anything cept that we were meant to be together,” Cheryl lifts Nadine’s chin to look her in the eyes, “I still feel that.”

“Me too.”

“Good. Now I seem to remember that there’s business to attend to,” she watches her bra go flying across the room and realises that Cheryl is definitely done with talking.

Cheryl falls asleep in her arms when they are done. She knows that she should wake her and that Cheryl returning home late is better than Cheryl not returning home at all but her glitter covered goddess is lying beside her and she’s not about to let her go. Not now. Not ever.