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Amateur Hour

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Clint came to in a windowless room, tied to a chair. As he looked around he noticed boxes and even a washing machine, if he didn’t know better he would assume he was in a basement. Maybe the tracksuit mafia had him in someone’s house. His head was killing him and he was sure he was bleeding from a wound on the back, he could feel sticky wetness on his neck.

Clint tested the restraints and felt them give a little, he was sure they would drop completely with a little work.

“No use trying, we’ve got you tied and surrounded,” came a voice from a dark corner of the basement. The voice sounded remarkably not Russian.

“And who are you?” Clint asked.

“They guys that grabbed you.”

“Yeah but like who are you? What do you want?” This wasn’t how is kidnappings normally went at all. There wasn’t nearly enough pain or questions.

“Don’t matter, all you need to worry about is that your ransom money comes through.”

“You’re holding me for ransom? For money?”

Did Hydra need money now? Who the hell holds someone for ransom in a basement?

“That watch of yours is worth several thousand dollars. You must have someone keeping you in style because the rest of your clothes look like they are from a dumpster. My partner and I figure you’ve got a rich cougar who will miss you.”

Aww baby kidnappers. They really accidentally kidnapped an Avenger, which was just embarrassing. Clint told the marketing team his toy looked nothing like him, this kind of shit didn’t happen to Captain America.

Clint was already out of the knot holding his hands behind him but breaking out was too easy. He didn’t think these guys really wanted to hurt them, they just needed money. What if one of them had a sick kid? They certainly weren’t criminal masterminds, he was after all, in one of their basements. If Clint left now, they would still need the money and they might take someone else who could actually get hurt. He figured he could stay until he knew exactly what they needed.

“Is the watch enough? I mean you don’t need more than that right?” Clint tried to sound scared and not amused.

“The watch is nothing, we need at least 50 grand. I’m sure your lovely lady friend will pay up,” Another voice from the opposite corner said. Clint was pretty sure that one was hiding behind the dryer.

“Why do you keep saying lady?” Clint suddenly had a bad feeling about this.

“We called your top favorite, B Bear, and her son answered. But he assured us that he would give your lady the message. They know they have until midnight to transfer the money.”

“You called Bucky and told him you kidnapped me? Did you tell him what the name of the contact you called was?” Because he swore he changed his contact name and picture from the Bucky Bear toy they found in the store. Clint had meant to but it was so cute and now when James texted him an adorable bear appeared.

“Don’t worry about what we said. Just hope they can find the money,” The one by the dryer said.

Well this was embarrassing, James was never going to let him live this down. Shit. He wouldn’t know these guys were complete novices Clint realized. He stood up from the chair in one swift movement.

“Sit back down!”

“Listen, I’m sure your threats will be very scary but you need to let me get to my phone. Now.”

“I don’t know how you got out but stay where you are, we have guns!” The voice from the dark shouted. Clint could hear the fear in his voice.

“I’m not gonna call the cops. I promise,” Clint said holding his hands up in a placating gesture. “I need a phone though. The people who are coming, they will murder you. Like dead, murder.”

“The only one who will be murdered is you if you don’t sit down,” The voice from the dark corner yelled again.

Clint sighed. He really didn’t want to hurt these guys but he also didn’t want James to either. James had enough guilt as it was, the last thing he needed was to accidentally think these guys were a threat.

Clint sat back down and waited a few moments before rolling out of the chair and to his feet. He quickly knocked the guy out in the corner before taking on the guy that was by the dryer. Minutes later, both men were down and Clint was standing in the middle of the fully lit basement. He looked at the two men and felt bad for knocking them out, they looked like nice guys. Searching the closest man, he found his cell phone.

“Hey, babe it’s me.”

“Clint, are you okay? We’re almost there.”

He could hear the concern in James’ voice and he felt bad for letting this ruse go on.

“Yeah, I was calling to tell you not to come in guns blazing.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, I’m fine. That’s the important thing right? And these guys didn’t mean to kidnap an Avenger or anything. They just needed some cash, probably for a sick kid.”

James’ gave a long suffering sigh that turned into a small laugh. “Did you make friends with your kidnappers, Barton?”

“I mean we aren’t going out for beers but they clearly had no idea. They are holding me in a basement.”

“So, why did it take you so long to call?”

“I didn’t want to discourage them. It was their first time, that can be hard for anyone. Plus, I was never in any real danger.”

“Let me be the judge of that,” Clint heard the voice twice, in his ear and the top of the stairs.

“Hey babe. Miss me?” Clint smiled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I love you but your a fucking idiot, Barton.”