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Dragon Age: The Hamquisition

Chapter Text

LAVELLAN:         

                Pardon me, are you Mme De Fer, sir?

 

VIVIENNE:

                That depends. Who’s asking?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Oh, well, sure, sir –

                I’m Inquisitor Lavellan, I’m at your service, sir

                I have been looking for you

 

VIVIENNE:

                I’m getting nervous.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Sir…

                I heard your name at Redcliffe, I was seeking the right way

                to integrate the mages, but I got sort of out of sorts with a magister’s

                force. I may have punched it. It’s a blur, sir. They manhandled some

                sad elves?

 

VIVIENNE:

                You punched Tevinter?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Yes!

                I wanted to do what you did. Fight and earn my dues, then join the

                revolution. They looked at me like I was stupid – I’m not stupid!

                So how’d you do it? How’d you climb the ranks so fast?

VIVIENNE:

                It was my patron’s dying wish before he passed.

 

LAVELLAN:

                You’d a patron? Of course! I’ve a patron.

                God, I wish there was a war!

                Then we could prove that we’re worth more

                than anyone bargained for…

 

VIVIENNE:

                Can I buy you a drink?

 

LAVELLAN:

                That would be nice.

 

VIVIENNE:

                While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice:

                Talk less.

 

LAVELLAN:

                What?

 

VIVIENNE:

                Smile more.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Ha.

 

VIVIENNE:

                Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.

 

LAVELLAN:

                You can’t be serious.

 

VIVIENNE:

                You want to get ahead?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Yes?

 

VIVIENNE:

                Elves who run their mouths off wind up dead.

 

DORIAN:

                Yo yo yo yo yo!

                What time is it?

 

DORIAN/BULL/SERA

                Show time!

 

VIVIENNE:

                Like I said.

 

DORIAN:

                Show time, show time! Yo!

                I’m D. Pavus in the place to be –

                two cups of Sun Blonde 1 but I’m working on three, uh!

                Those Venatori don’t want it with me!

                ‘Coz I will pop flash-a-pop their god ‘till I’m free!

 

SERA:

                Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, my name’s Sera, shut up!

                Red Jenny’s gonna drink from the gravy-train’s cup!

                I’ll deal with you toffs just to say sod off

                to Croyphemus – Coryfish – Corry –

                aw, fuck.

 

BULL:

                Hah! Hah! I am the Iron Bull, articled,

                up in it, loving it, yes I heard ya barmaid said, “Come again!”

 

SERA & DORIAN:

                Ayyyyyyy!

 

BULL:

                Lock up your daughters and your sons, of course

                it’s hard to have intercourse with your horns near their haunches…

 

SERA:

                Wow.

 

DORIAN:

                No more sex – pour me another brew, son!

                Let’s raise a couple more –

 

DORIAN/SERA/BULL

                – To the Inquisiton!

 

DORIAN:

                Well, if it’s not the First Enchanter of her college!

 

BULL:

                Madame De Fer!

 

DORIAN:

                Give us a verse, drop some knowledge!

 

VIVIENNE:

                My darlings, you’re making some waves –

                You destroy, I’ll employ, we’ll see who behaves.

 

SERA/BULL:

                Booooo!

 

DORIAN:

                Madame, the Circles are rebelling now – what do you stall for?

 

LAVELLAN:

                If you stand for nothing, Mme, what’ll you fall for?