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The first time it almost happens, Zayne is 11 years old. They’re doing homework together in his kitchen—well, he’s doing homework while she doodles in her notebook.
She looks up and pokes him on the cheek with the eraser on her pencil. He pauses his work to give his full attention to whatever shenanigan she has planned.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
No, he’s 11. The only girls he talks to are her and his mom—a fact she is well aware of. He shakes his head.
“Did you wanna kiss?” she continues.
Coming from her, it’s innocent–asked out of a place of curiosity. He hasn’t thought much about kissing, but he figures it’s something everyone does eventually, right? During school, he overhears his classmates whispering about it during class. Girls gushing about receiving a quick peck on the lips after school and boys high-fiving each other when they hear about their first kiss. Any knowledge he has about kissing either comes from them or from the few movies and tv shows he’s seen.
Personally, it’s something he’s never cared much for. But maybe it’s something he should get out of the way. At least it will be with someone he trusts and cares for.
So he watches her lean in closer and closer. His eyes flit to her lips as he feels the ghost of her breath on his. He remembers how people are supposed to close their eyes when they kiss, but he can’t help but stare at her in anticipation. His breath quickens and he panics when he feels how dry his lips are.
Was his first kiss supposed to be this exhilarating?
His mother calls his name from down the hall and the moment shatters. He watches his friend frown before shrugging her shoulders and going back to doodling. Then he gets up from his chair and walks down the hall with his heart racing. The feeling is unfamiliar and he struggles to make any sense out of it.
All he knows is it’s the first time he wishes for something more.
Zayne is 17. He just got an early acceptance into a prestigious medical school and she’s taking him out for ice cream as a small celebration. The weather is a little too cold for the treat, but he’s never been able to win any argument against her. Besides, he always feels warm when he’s with her.
He watches her try to take a bit of her ice cream mid-sentence only to see her get some on her nose instead.
“Oops”, she giggles.
It’s cute, he thinks, when she’s able to live so carefree. It’s refreshing and he hopes her smile never fades while he’s away.
He chuckles quietly before reaching up and wiping the ice cream off with his thumb, not noticing the way her cheeks blush.
“Always so messy. What are you going to do when I’m gone?” he asks.
“I’ll be just fine!” she pouts.
The way her bottom lip juts out slightly catches his attention. They look warm and soft and a little more pink than usual from the chill. He wonders what would happen if he just-
“Zayne?”
His face is only a few centimeters away from hers. He doesn’t know when he started to lean in and honestly, he’s not sure if he would have stopped had she not said anything.
And that in itself terrifies him.
Believe him, he’s done his best to move on from their almost-first kiss. They never spoke about it. But the memory lingers inside his heart despite his best intentions to forget. It’s his biggest “What if..?” scenario.
Maybe it’s the fact that he’s leaving soon and knows he’ll miss her terribly. It’s the idea of being separated from his closest companion that’s leaving his brain muddled. At least, that’s what he tells himself.
He’s grown used to lying to himself the past few years.
Zayne takes a large step back, nearly tripping onto the road. Her shoulders droop slightly as he clears his throat and looks away. There’s no point in dissecting her reaction—he’s leaving soon anyways.
They walk the rest of the way home in silence.
He wonders if her lips would taste as sweet as the ice cream.
Zayne is 22 and it’s the first time he’s seen her in three years. With his studies taking him across the country in preparation to be a combat medic and her training to become a Hunter, there was rarely time to see her past the occasional video call.
The past few years were grueling but this one meeting makes it all worth it. Seeing her in person for the first time brings him a sense of peace he didn’t realize he was missing. The frozen tundra of his heart thaws little by little with each passing minute in her presence.
She was always beautiful, but now she’s grown into the type of beauty that makes him believe that even the sun cannot compete with her radiance.
They’re celebrating her birthday today. After catching up over a quaint dinner, they’re back at his apartment (it was closer to the restaurant than her place) and she’s a little tipsy from the complimentary glass of champagne the manager gave her. He hands her a glass of water as she plops down on his couch.
He sits down next to her—a respectable distance away.
“Sooo... What did you get me for my birthday?” she asks, poking his arm.
“Who says I got you anything?”
“Zayne!”
He laughs at her expression. Teasing her always made him feel at ease and it was one of the things he missed most while he was away.
“Guess.”
Her eyes light up at the idea of a game and she taps a finger on her chin in mock thought.
“Hmm… a new car!” she exclaims. He gives her a deadpan look. “Okay, fine. A puppy–no, wait. A spa trip?”
She leans closer in anticipation, shoulders brushing against his. The sudden warmth makes Zayne’s brain feel fuzzy.
“None of the above,” he answers, grabbing the small box from the side table. “Happy birthday.”
Her eyes shine in anticipation as she opens the gift while his heart flutters in nervousness. His hands sit in his lap in tightly closed fists.
“Oh my gosh!” she gasps. “These are beautiful!”
Inside the velvet box lies a pair of iridescent, crystal drop earrings with dainty jasmine flowers hanging at the end. As she holds them up, the flowers catch the light and cast small rainbows around the room.
“I don’t know much about jewelry,” he starts. “But I hope these are to your liking.”
“Of course these are!” she gushes. “The flowers look so pretty.”
He watches as she removes the hoop earrings she wore and replaces them with the new pair. The smile on his face is soft and gentle when he sees how well the earrings suit her. He doesn’t know why he picked jasmine flowers, but he always associated them with her in his mind. It’s a good choice, he thinks.
He doesn’t tell her he designed the earrings himself.
He’s taken aback when she throws her arms around him and his arms instinctually wrap around her smaller frame. Holding her is something he didn’t realize he needed until now.
“Thank you,” she whispers, lifting her head up to meet his eyes.
At this close of a distance, his gaze is only filled with her. The glimmering earrings cannot compare to the stars in her eyes.
Beautiful.
When she starts to lean in, his heart stops. He’s not sure whether to let this happen or not—she’s tipsy, after all. But then he thinks of all the years without seeing her, he can’t help but want this even when he shouldn’t.
Her eyes flutter closed.
He shouldn’t.
Their noses brush.
He really shouldn’t.
His eyes close, chest heaving as his grip tightens around her waist. The feeling of her lips just faintly brushing against his is enough to send him into the spiral of her. It’s tempting to let himself fall into it.
But he doesn’t. This isn’t something they should start. After all, this is the first time they’ve seen each other in three years. Who knows how long it will be until the next meeting?
He won’t put her through that.
When he turns his head away, the air is filled with regret and disappointment. She opens her eyes and releases herself from his embrace. The warmth he felt with her disappears.
He’s used to the cold.
“Excuse me,” he says, getting up from the couch. “I need to…”
He’s at a loss for words and there isn’t really any good enough excuse he can come up with. Regardless, he starts walking to his office, eager to find something to busy himself with.
“I’m sorry,” he tells her, barely turning his head. The more distance he maintains, the better.
Right?
“You always run from me,” she whispers as he walks further away.
I know.
Zayne is 24 years old.
This year has been so painful, so cruel to him.
Mt. Eternal has taken more from him than he thought he could ever give. He walked up the mountain as a combat medic and returned as a haunted soldier.
Still, he persists. He has to. If he stops, then The Grim Reaper will continue to haunt him and it’s taking every ounce of energy he can spare to keep it at bay. But he is hanging on by a very, very thin thread. And there are days where he wants to cut that thread himself.
Which is why it’s no surprise when he finally arrives back in Linkon City, he doesn’t go home. He goes straight to her. Which, when he thinks about it, is pretty much the same thing.
He knocks on her apartment door and waits, lugging the shoulder strap of his bag higher. It’s heavier than he remembers. But he’s not sure which weighs more—his luggage or the sins he committed on that mountain.
When she finally opens the door, he nearly collapses with relief.
“Zayne?!” she exclaims. “I didn’t know you were coming ba–Whoa!”
She barely manages to catch him because, as it turns out, he did collapse.
Seeing her, hearing her voice, after months on end of being in his own personal hell is enough to make his knees go weak.
Gently, she lowers him to the ground and shuts the door behind him.
“I'm sorry,” he breathes out, dropping his head on her shoulder. “I don’t know what came over me.”
She softly rakes her fingers through his hair and he sighs against her neck.
“Is everything okay?” she murmurs. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Where would he even begin? Does he start when he was forced to mercy-kill his colleague on a snowy mountain? Or maybe when he failed to save multiple patients as they begged for his help?
Maybe he tells her that through it all, his only motivation was seeing her again. That in the dark abyss he found himself lost in during those few months, she was the only light he could see.
Or instead, he’ll start at the very beginning. How she’s unknowingly taken every piece of him throughout the years and claimed them as her own. He’ll tell her how she is his sun and he is the moon who only illuminates when she shines upon him no matter how far apart they are.
But he doesn’t. Once again, as the tsunami of emotions threaten to overtake him, he puts up a wall of frozen ice to act as a dam protecting his heart.
He shakes his head, looking up to meet her eyes. She nods silently, moving her hands to cradle his face. Her thumb caresses his cheek as he leans his forehead against hers.
It’s the warmest he’s felt since leaving the mountain.
“I missed you,” she tells him earnestly.
Her eyes flicker down to his lips and his breath hitches.
No, he won’t take advantage of her kindness like this. His pain is too fresh and his dreams torment him. Not now.
But some day.
Some day when he no longer wakes up in a panic thinking he’s back on that damned mountain. When the blood staining his hands are washed away so he doesn’t taint her with his sins whenever he touches her. When he thinks he is worthy again of basking in her light.
Until then, he’ll keep maintaining his distance.
One day, though, he’ll be deserving of her.
Zayne is 27 years old and he’s sitting on a park bench in the middle of winter. It’s bitterly cold and he knows that there is snow in the forecast. His nose and ears are tinged pink and he shivers when a chilly breeze passes by.
But he’s never felt so warm.
He’s made a name for himself in the medical field as one of Linkon’s top cardiac surgeons. His research are lauded by his peers and are the reason behind numerous developments towards helping patients dealing with Protocore Syndrome.
He’s mostly come to terms with what happened on Mt. Eternal. The nightmares haven’t completely gone away, but they’re manageable. He knows it’ll be something he struggles with—probably for the rest of his life—but it’s okay. He’ll be okay.
Most importantly, sitting next to him is her, sipping hot chocolate from a foam cup they bought at a nearby stall with one hand. The other is held tightly in his.
He loves her. This is undeniable. But he won’t tell her that yet. After all, this is only their first date.
It’s been many, many years but he finally mustered up the courage to confess his true feelings. He remembers how white his knuckles were from how tightly he clenched his fists as he was telling her.
And she, in all her wondrous, carefree joy, laughed at him.
“It’s about time,” she smiled, taking one of his hands and easing them open so she could fit hers in.
So as he sits on this bench reveling in one of the most peaceful, happiest times he’s ever had the privilege of experiencing, he can’t help but smile.
“What’s got you smiling like that?” she asks him. On the corner of her mouth, he spots a bit of chocolate from her drink.
“Always so messy,” he chuckles, reaching up and wiping the chocolate off with his thumb.
“It’s a good thing I have you,” she responds, her face breaking out into a wide grin.
He’s never seen anything so beautiful.
When she leans in and her eyes flutter close, he watches in awe.
Am I allowed to have this?
Years of pushing her away, of sitting with his loneliness. Is he capable of loving her the way she deserves?
She stops just a mere centimeter away from meeting his lips.
“Well? Are you going to kiss me or am I going to have to wait another 16 years?” she teases.
He lets out an amused laugh and rushes forward to close the gap. They both melt into the kiss, years of hidden pining and desire finally coming to an end.
It’s incredible, really, how he managed to hold himself back from this pure bliss. But he knows that everything he went through in life—all the loneliness and pain—was worth it. He’d go through it all again just to experience this one moment again.
When they break away, her cheeks are flushed and not just because it’s cold. He knows he looks the same. She smiles at him, crystal earrings twinkling in the sunlight, before leaning her head against his shoulder. They both look out towards the park, watching strangers pass by.
Zayne feels a sense of peace he hasn’t felt in a very long time. A soft, gentle smile creeps onto his face.
Is he allowed to have this?
Yes I am.