Marinette had never considered herself a stalker. That doesn’t mean she isn’t one, she thinks as she slides into the restaurant. She quickly scopes out Nino and Adrien’s booth and slips into the one next to them. Adrien’s driver/bodyguard, who was already sitting in the booth, quirks his eyebrow at her as she sits across from him.
“I’m sitting back-to-back with Adrien Agreste! It’s almost like I’m sitting with him!” She exclaims. Gorilla just slouches and resumes knitting under the table, used to this routine he has with Marinette. Eavesdropping, she pushes her back into the seat.
“So Adrien,” Nino starts, “can you describe to me in great detail the structure of your abs?”
“Gladly! Where do I start?” Adrien says. At that moment, the waitress comes over.
“So, what would you two like to drink?” She asks Gorilla. Marinette tugs on her sleeve.
“I’ll take a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and whipped cream topped with caramel and sprinkles, no white sprinkles though. Also make it with almond milk if you can, but if not then goat milk is fine. He’ll have a lemonade.” The waitress furrows her brows and scribbles on her pad for a solid 30 seconds. Marinette is panicking because she is completely missing out on the Adrien abs story. Finally, she leaves. Gorilla fist bumps her. Then they do an intricate best friend handshake. Marinette remembers why she’s here and slams into her seat to eavesdrop again.
“Wow, you’re fucking shredded!” Nino says.
“Did you say Ladybug?” Adrien asks.
“Uh, no I-”
“MOTHERFUCKING LADYBUG MAN OH MY FUCK DUDE WHAT A FUCKING DREAMBOAT!” Adrien yells. Suddenly, Marinette’s entire face is red. She nearly passes out from how fast she blushes. She can’t feel her toes anymore.
“I have all her merchandise, like five different cosplays varying in shades of red. Dude, I have like, a sea of ladybug body pillows. I’m literally in love with her. She’s so hot. I love her.” Adrien rants. Suddenly the waitress is back and settles their drinks on the table.
“Have you decided what you both would like to order?” She asks kindly.
“WE WOULD BOTH REALLY LIKE SPAGHETTI PLEASE!” Marinette yells in a very squeaky voice then instantly returns to her position. Gorilla frowns harder than his default face. He didn’t want spaghetti today, he was in a soup mood. But, of course, he must settle for the spaghetti. He peers behind him, making sure the waitress is out of sight, and turns back to Mari. She has one hand over her mouth and she looks on the verge of passing out. He shrugs and switches their drinks, pulling his hot chocolate to his mouth. Suddenly, Nino is screaming.
“Dude stop screaming! You can’t hear me talk about ladybug if you’re screaming. Did you hear what I said? I said I’d let her do anything to me bro. Bro! Dude listen! A N Y T H I N G. Seriously. I’d eat her ass if she wants me to. I’d let her eat my ass if she wanted to. Tie me up, stick her tongue in there, maybe a finger or two, maybe her yoyo, I don’t care dude. DUDE ARE YOU LISTENING.” Adrien shouts. Nino is crying. Nino does not want to be here anymore.
“D-dude, please.” Nino says quietly through his tears. “This is the fourth time this week you made this speech. I. Am a broken shell of a man.” Nino begins whimpering.
Marinette leans up from her seat and faces Gorilla. He is sipping happily on his drink. She nods to him.
“Welp, I’ve got all of the information I needed. I’m going to make that ass mines. That sound good?” She asks. Gorilla nods, not really caring about anything except his drink. The waitress pops back up and he quickly shoves the hot cocoa into Marinette’s hands and sits straight, fingers laced in front of him and eyes intimidating. She places their plates of spaghetti in front of them and leaves. They pick up their utensils.
“Thanks for always letting me tag along, by the way. Also thanks for putting pillows in the trunk. It’s way more comfortable in there now.” She acknowledges. Gorilla hums.
“Sie sind willkommen, süß Marinette. Ich fühle mich, als ob ich um dich mein wahres Selbst sein kann. in der Regel, ich bin zu erwarten irgendeine Art von hart und wütend animalisch Mann zu sein. mit Ihnen, kann ich handeln, wie, wie ich wirklich bin.” He says. Marinette leans up and pats his arm.
“I understand.” She says. She does not understand. At all.
There is one thing about being Ladybug that is fucking infuriating. Every fucking time she leaves and uses her yoyo to swing around, Tikki starts playing the George of the Jungle Theme song. Marinette wants nothing more than to get one of those fly swatters that also electrocute the bugs and give Tikki a good ol’ whapping.
“Tikki please, I am about to have sex, I do not need this.” Ladybug says. Tikki starts playing it louder. Ladybug groans as she nears her destination, the Agreste Mansion. She zooms past a camera, winking at it and making a finger gun. Now all she needs is to find Adrien’s window.
Adrien stretches and stands up. He’s just finished his nightly ritual of laying on the cold hard ground and crying and also screaming. He wipes off the nonexistent dirt on his pajamas, which are Ladybug™ and made for kids ages 5-7 and way too small for him. He grabs his Ladybug™ coffee mug filled with Kool-aid that he made with his own tears and walks to his computer. Halfway there, he hears a very loud thump. He turns his head to his window where Ladybug’s entire body is slammed into it. He does a few things in that moment. First, he drops his mug. Then, he cums in his pants.
‘Shit, she’s too hot like this. Curse my very young very tiny sperm filled body for betraying me and my tiny shorts.’ He thinks to himself. He stares at her and she stares back. They stay frozen like that for 45 minutes. Finally, she peels herself off the window and crawls into his room.
“Ladybug™ what are you doing here?” Adrien asks.
“How did you say that.”
“The, the tm thing. How did you say it and make it small like that.”
“The, you know what, nevermind. What‘s up?” Ladybug asks.
“I came.” Adrien says blankly.
“Oh.” Ladybug responds. There is silence. Ladybug starts whistling her theme song. Adrien breaks the silence.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE.” He states. He doesn’t even ask this, just says it like a statement.
“Oh, yeah, I was sorta gonna rock your world.” She says. Adrien nods then freezes.
“Wait what-” He stammers but Ladybug dips him and kisses him hard. Adrien is very proud of himself for not screaming. Lucky for him, he just spent 2 hours screaming on the floor so he doesn’t absolutely have to at the moment. Ladybug picks him up and carries him to his bed, crawling on top of him. They make out but I don’t know how to write that so like its hot its nice her fingers are in his hair his are on the small of her back all and all they’re having a fun time and that’s all that matters in the end right?
Ladybug pulls back and sits on his lap. ‘Condom condom condom condom condom I need a condom’ she thinks to herself. She has a stupid idea.
“I am going to get us a condom.” She tells Adrien. He nods and cums in his pants again with a small whimper. She grabs her yoyo and throws it in the air.
“LUCKY CHARM!” She yells. Suddenly the room is engulfed in a pink light and music comes out of nowhere. It dissipates and a series of kinky spotted sex toys falls around them. She makes a note in her head to absolutely buy one of those electric fly swatters. Just looking at the toys around him makes Adrien cum again.
“I actually have condoms we can use.” Adrien whispers and sticks his hand into the drawer next to his bed. He pulls out these fucking things.
“Wow, this is so meta.” She says as she grabs the Marinette one and inspects it. Suddenly Adrien’s hand is covering hers and she looks at him. There’s literal stars in his eyes like some Steven Universe bullshit as he looks at her.
“Can we try out the pile of various kinky stuff?” He asks. Marinette screams, just a bit, and starts digging. She pulls out some fuzzy spotted handcuffs and he nods.
“So like, how does this work?” She asks.
“Just handcuff the headboard then my wrists.” He says, lifting his hands to it. She cuffs the headboard twice then realises her mistake. There is no key in sight.
“There. I did it. Yes I sure did.” She says with confidence.
“Wow, you’re really gentle with this!” He responds amazed. She nods and digs more through the pile. Some things in it are black instead of ladybug patterned, so she brings them all together. There’s a black mask, a collar with a bell on it, and a cat ears headband. Attached to the ears is a sticky note. She reads it. It says “Take a hint you buffoon. -Tikki.”
“I guess I should wear this then.” Ladybug says.
“YES!” Adrien screams and cums his pants again.
“Did you just cum your pants?” Ladybug asks.
“You know what I think I should wear it instead.” Adrien declared. He pulls on all the garb and lays back. Then he shoots her a grin that looks exactly like Chat Noir’s signature grin.
“How do I look, My Lady?” He asked in a sultry tone.
“A little like Chat Noir, not gonna lie.” She said.
“Cool because I am him.” Adrien admitted. Ladybug stared at him in stunned silence for a moment then bursted out laughing.
“Sure, sure. Whatever you say, buddy.” She jested. He sputtered for a moment.
“No, I mean seriously, I am Chat Noir. For realsies.” He says. She flicks the bell around his neck.
“Shut up. You’re cute.” Adrien cums his pants again and forgets what they were talking about. He moves his not handcuffed hands to her waist and they both realise she’s still in her outfit.
“shIT THIS THING IS LIKE SUPERGLUED TO ME.” Ladybug shouts. Her earrings beep and she realises she’s been ignoring her transformation about to wear off anyways.
“CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES AGRESTE!” She yells and Adrien covers his eyes with his hands and cums from her authority. Ladybug detransforms and Tikki flies out of her earrings.
“WHAT THE FUCK TIKKI WHY DID YOU DROP ALL OF THIS KINKY ASS SHIT.” Marinette yells. Tikki flies in front of her face.
“You know what shit I get to see all day? Mother fucking the inside of your purse. That’s all the action I witness for 8 hours a day. And 10 hours of you sleeping. The most exciting thing that’s ever happened since I met you was when that fucking Dora the Explorer looking shit saw me that one time. I want to see some kinky shit, Mari.”
“Wait, Mari?!” Adrien blurts. He sits up and uncovers his eyes. Marinette screams very loud and for a very long time. When she shuts the fuck up Adrien speaks again.
“Marinette, what the fuck are you doing in my house? Where’s Ladybug? What the fuck is that thing some fucking floating ass plushie looking fuck. What is going on?” He asks. ‘Thank fuck,’ Mari thinks to herself, ‘everyone in Paris is a fucking idiot.’
“Shhhhh just cover your eyes and point me in the direction of your Ladybug cosplays.” She says. He points to his closet and covers his face with his hands again, just letting this all happen. Marinette climbs off his lap and digs around for a fake Ladybug mask. She puts it on and walks back out.
“Alright, you can look now.” She says. Adrien lowers his hands and looks at her with wide eyes.
“Ladybug, holy shit you’re back! Wait, where did Marinette go? She was just here. WHAT IS HAPPENING???” He cries out.
“Sex to death.” She replies and walks back to the bed, crawling on his lap. He flips them over so he’s on top of her.
“Do you have any more handcuffs, because you’re under Agreste;).” He says. She flips them over again.
“Nope I’m domming.” She states. He nods and cums in his pants again.
“Sounds fair.” He finally looks down and sees her undergarments. They are black with a green cat pattern all over it and a bell on her bra. He grins slyly at her.
“So, you’re wearing Chat Noir undies~.” He hums. She glares daggers at him.
“YOU ARE LITERALLY WEARING CHILDRENS CLOTHES RIGHT NOW.” She yells. “IF YOU WANTED LADYBUG CLOTHES YOU COULD HIRE SOMEONE TO MAKE SOME FOR YOU IN YOUR SIZE! YOU ARE RICH AS FUCK.” Adrien puts a hand on his chest and gasps.
“EXCUSE ME FOR WANTING SOME AUTHENTICITY, PRINCESS.” He yells back.
“BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Nathalie yells from the doorway. They both whip their heads around to her. “I CAN HEAR YOU FUCKS FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MANSION.”
“Oh shit.” Tikki says from the corner of the room.
“LADYBUG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?” Nathalie asks. “PARIS IS LITERALLY ON FIRE RIGHT NOW.”
“SHIT CHAT SAID HE’D TAKE CARE OF PATROL TONIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” Ladybug yells. Adrien laughs nervously from underneath her.
“Haha haheh haha hahaaah aha ahaa aaa yeeeeeah, where is that cooky fellow?” He wondered.