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The Trials of Being Tesla

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- No luck with women -

Nikola Tesla had been trying, once again, to present an educational exhibition of his latest invention. Unfortunately, the apparatus had been disrupted by an inconvenient pair of bloomers thrown by one of his many admirers. How inconvenient! And now that he was attempting to exit the auditorium, he found his way blocked. The impressionable young ladies in the audience were overcome by an inappropriately carnal reaction to his genius! Why did they never believe his protestations of disinterest and celibacy? How mortifying! How inconvenient!

"Oh, Tesla!" "Teslaaaa!" "Say alternating current induction motor again!" the crowd of overcome women shrieked around him as Tesla attempted to politely shoulder through the crowd. Oh, where would he find an escape? Where was his cab?

"Stop right there, buster!" barked an angry soprano voice, and he found his arms grabbed from behind. "You're using some kind of sex ray on these women!"

"What, I would never, no!" he protested and tried to turn around to face his accuser. He wished he hadn't. She was wearing the oddest undergarments and a jacket, but almost nothing else.

"You must be!" she snarled, thrusting her chest at him. "I almost feel myself giving in!"


- Dread captivity -

The lady lunatic hogtied Tesla and spirited him out through the crowd. This was not the way he had wanted to escape.

"Help! Someone help!" he cried. "Did Edison send you? Help!" But it was to no avail: soon he found himself tied to a chair in an abandoned warehouse lair. It was surprisingly conveniently located; he would have thought the property values were too high.

"Susie, Elizatits!" yelled his captor, as soon as they got in the door. "I've got a mad scientist! He has some kind of sex ray or something!"

They must have been her two compatriots, for they were wearing even less than she.

"You want to force us to our knees before your science, Doctor Dastardly?" sneered the one with the enormous hair as she untied him, then bound him to a chair, badly.

"I don't!" Tesla tried to explain. "And I am not actually a doctor!"

"Don't believe him," pouted the one in long gloves and a little hat as she thrust her flag-emblazoned hindquarters at him. "I can feel the waves of sex ray coming off him. You'll never take me, doctor!"

"Oh! I must resist! I can't resist! I'm powerless!" shrieked the one with the hair, who then threw herself at him.

"There is no sex ray," he tried to tell them as he cringed away from her thrusting breasts, but it was to no avail. Tesla found himself missing the relatively sane madness of his fans.

"No, no, I'm completely helpless under its spell!" moaned the one in the hat, clutching his knees.

"Step off, sisters," growled the one in the jacket, "I'm feeling mind controlled into having a catfight over him!"

As the three mostly naked madwomen grappled and slapped each other ineffectually, Tesla worked his way out of the loosely tied bonds and fled.


- Artistic license -

Ducking out of the abandoned warehouse in a surprisingly central location, Tesla walked down the street as quickly as he could without attracting attention. A tea shop hosting a literary society! That looked safe.

Inside it was refreshingly sedate. Men and women sat at various tables drinking tea and discussing books. Everyone was entirely clothed. Tesla breathed a sigh of relief and sat down to order an herbal tea.

"It's you!" a female voice exclaimed, and Tesla cringed. But no! It was not for him! A young lady eagerly approached the woman at the table next to him. "Oh, Jane Austen, I'm your biggest fan! I loved Mr. Darcy!"

"Thank you," said Jane, putting down her cup of tea.

"I love your television shows too!" her fan went on. "Especially the one where this fan gets to go back in time and live in Pride and Prejudice and marry Mr. Darcy!"

"...Thank you," said Jane, looking out the window instead of at her fan.

Attracted by the commotion, a couple of young men sauntered over. "Hey, is that Jane Austen?" the one in the hooded shirt asked. "Didn't you "Hey, didn't you write that book about the hot single chick and the monster trucks? Badass," he said approvingly.

"Hunh," said his friend, glancing at Tesla. "You're Nikola Tesla, right?"

"I am," Tesla admitted, cautiously.

"I like you on that show where you're a vampire who has, like, electric zappy powers. I bet you get all the chicks."

"You should watch out for Abraham Lincoln," cautioned Miss Austen's fan. "I've heard he hunts you guys!"

The young people began discussing vampires vigorously with each other, and the word 'sparkle' was mentioned several times.

"Fans!" said Miss Austen.

Tesla nodded.

"I'm going to write Mansfield Park in which no one has any fun AT ALL!" said Miss Austen. She looked at him more closely. "Mr. Tesla, are you not? The celebrated scientist?"

"I am," he said.

"I don't suppose you might tell me a little about yourself?" she asked. "I thought perhaps my next romantic hero might be a man of intellect. Perhaps I might base him upon you?"

"Oh, I am sorry, I believe I see a friend!" said Tesla, and he fled to another table.


- Kindred spirits -

Tesla sat down at a table beside three gentlemen, two of whom appeared to be brothers - perhaps even twins.

"I deduce you are an inventor, avoid the amorous advances of women and almost certainly a Serb," the gentleman with the beaky nose and the curious hat told Tesla, out of the blue.

"Why, yes," said Tesla. "That is quite true!"

"That's brilliant, Holmes!" chorused the brothers.

"Thank you, Watsons," said Holmes magnanimously.

"Perhaps we can avoid the amorous advances of women together?" said one of the Watsons with a lascivious wink. Did no one understand celibacy? Was there no safety to be found? Tesla paid his bill hastily and left.

"Gay Watson," Tesla heard the man's brother say as he left, "That was just mean."


Outtake: Tesla meets the Straw Feminists

- A beautiful friendship -

"We want to drag the world into a golden age where women come to their senses, throw off their chains and never bother with men again!" proclaimed one of the snake women.

Tesla blinked. "That sounds like a capital idea," he said. "How may I help?"

The snake women looked taken aback for a moment, then, as one, their smiles turned wide and feline.

"Tesla," said the brunette snake woman, "This might be the beginning of a beautiful (and entirely free patriarchal heterosexual sex) friendship."