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With A Song In Her Heart

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"Why won’t you let me rest in peace", Spike had sung plaintively. They had landed in an open grave with Buffy sitting atop the obviously aroused vampire. She hadn’t really been surprised at the words of his song. Of course the whole singing and dancing thing was wig worthy, but under the circumstances, his song had made sense. Life on the Hellmouth gave a whole new meaning to the term ‘normal’. Buffy had known for over a year that this slayer of Slayers had decided he was in love with her, after all. His song didn’t reveal any new information.

What had terrified Buffy, however, were the words she felt bubble to the surface about to sing to him in return. Words that caused her to leap from the grave and run as if the Devil himself were on her tail.

The enchantment made the song erupt whether she wished it or not, but at least she made certain there was no audience for her song confession. She had used all of her Slayer speed to put as much distance between Spike and herself as possible.

Words and melody pouring from her very heart, she came to rest at the side of the entrance to the Restview Cemetery. She prayed that no vampire or demon would be in the area to hear her, and also offered a "thank you" that she had managed to keep from singing to the object of her sad ballad.

The melody was vaguely sad with a yearning feel to it that one could almost touch. The voice of a lost girl reaching for the moon and knowing she must not.

"From the first time that I saw him
I have felt this fear.
A clenching in my stomach
Each time he would draw near."

"At first I thought ‘revulsion!’
It all seemed very clear,
But as we got much closer
I knew he’d be quite dear."

The chorus was, if possible, even more melancholy in tune.

"I don’t want to want him.
I don’t want to care.
I can’t love this vampire.
Sometimes it isn’t fair!"

She sat on the curb and lamented having her love life under everyone’s microscope, open for public opinion. Popular demand and democratic vote carrying more weight than the simple need of one lonely heart, two, if Spikes song had been true.

"Vampires I am born to slay
to kill them without a tear.
If they ever knew what my heart feels
My friends would only jeer."

She shook in fear of the reaction of the Scoobies to her increasing attraction to the vampire who had endured torture for her sake and fought at their side, even with no soul.

"You tried this once with Angel
the cost to all was dear.
God, I want to draw Spike close,
just let go, make heaven out of here."

She repeated the chorus reminding herself again that she had to deny her desires if she wanted to be the ‘good heroic Slayer’ her friends demanded she be.

She felt the tears flow as she remembered his emotion filled face as he sang his pain to her. He would never know that she felt a similar torment. Being with HIM touched her more than SHE could say as well. Ever since they brought her back from her rest and peace, he had been the only source of comfort in her world. She couldn’t keep herself from going to him, being in his company. The only slice of peace, of sanity in her world was found at his side.

She longed to let him wrap his arms around her and kiss her back to life. To love happiness back into her existence. She just knew he could do it too.

She had always found him attractive, even when they had still been insisting that they were planning to kill each other. Funny how they never seemed to accomplish such a simple goal! Both were good at what they did, yet neither had killed the other in all these years. Willow’s spell gone wrong shortly after Spike had that chip implanted in his head had forced Buffy to acknowledge, at least to herself, that he was majorly kissable.

She had been terrified when he told her how he felt about her before she had died. If she were honest with herself, the terror was mostly based on the knowledge that she could easily love him in return. The dis-invite had been more to build a wall to keep herself IN, rather than to keep him out.

He had sung, "It hurts me more than you’ve ever guessed" could have been sung by herself to him. She ached for him, for his touch, his gentle kisses, his love. To deny herself in order to keep the love and respect of everyone else in her life was tearing her apart. She HAD to drive him away, remind herself constantly why she could not allow herself this most natural of pleasures. She had taken that chance and defied her friends and Watcher once before and it had led to disaster and death. She didn’t dare do so again. Angelus had permanently removed vampires from the Buffy dating menu. None of them could survive another situation like that horror had been.

He thought she was "unimpressed" by his love, but nothing could be further from the truth. He had proven his love and loyalty time after time. It had nearly cost him his existence more than once. She’d have to be the most cold hearted of bitches to not be impressed! No, knowing how well and deeply he could love her made it harder than ever to deny herself, as well as him.

They could be so perfect together, if only ….


"I don’t want to want him.
I don’t want to care.
I can’t love this vampire.
Sometimes it isn’t fair!"

Not fair, indeed.

Buffy was relieved when the mystic music ended and her confessional appeared to be over. She needed to hit something, many something’s! Since all the demons and vamps were more interested in Broadway show tunes than a fight, however, Buffy contented herself with heading to the Magic Box and the workout room in back. The punching bag didn’t stand a chance! A still small voice in her head whispered how she wished Xander would offer to put on that puffy suit and spar with her tonight. Maybe she could miss the suit and aim for the nose.