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hope, determination, and lowercase love aren't always lost forever

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he pretends not to notice when your hands turn into fists and you look somewhere else when you spot knives on counters on your bad days and you pretend not to notice when he flinches away from you when you smile just a bit too close to a snarl because

that's what friends do.

or, at least, friends who've murdered each other enough for double digits and still scramble out of bed in their sleep when they dream about the fucked up shit both of them have done for this to even happen.

you know you have each other’s backs, though. there’s no one else the two of you can conventionally talk too who’s lived through the resets who isn’t dead or gone or doesn’t remember, but you still have each other and your system of sans reminding you that your body is your own, not controlled by any unknown entity and you promising him you won’t hit reset again.

you can make some pretty solid friendships through time travel and helping to free an entire race, you’ve learned.

and so you both grin (even if he can’t help it, ha) and bear it in front of everyone else because it’s just better if they don't know and this is the conclusion both of you have reached but never outright stated.

you remember how you’ve killed all of your family and how they’ve killed you in that jumbled up mess of timelines and anomalies and bad decisions encouraged by someone else (it wasn’t you or chara, but you’ve never gotten a clear answer as to who and you still aren’t completely sure)

all those times you’ve reset after a mistake or to relive the adventure of the underground or just to show no mercy one more time weighs heavy like sins on your back (though what you don’t know is you aren’t the one meant to hold those faults)

it’s better if they don't remember entirely

even if it hurts you (and them).

they thank you for breaking the barrier and freeing all of monsterkind but it wasn’t you who broke the age-old barrier, it never was you who had the power to do it (but you’ll be damned if you didn’t have the determination to find a way.)

no one else remembers your fight with asriel, the memories a blur for them all where the barrier is there one moment and gone the next. no one remembers what happened when their souls were absorbed and the barrier was broken down by the hopes and dreams of monsters everywhere and the help of six dead kids (seven, but no one really remembers that either).

but how could you tell someone without toriel or asgore finding out? you know you can tell sans but. it doesn’t feel right to tell him that two kids were here the whole time, soulless and dead, when he’s already got enough of his own night terrors.

you don’t want to have to tell asgore or toriel that their dead kid wasn’t fully dead but he wasn’t quite alive either and he’s done maybe more fucked up things than you have all of his own will. you can’t tell them he’s still here but he’s not the same kid and never will be again.

neither will their other child who guided you through it all in your head, helped you deal with your issues though they had their own and always, always stayed with asriel in the end even if he doesn’t know it (you think he might suspect something, though).

two kids with a plan to free everyone full of undeserved responsibility that ended in dusted souls and empty bodies left in golden flowers.

but they’re still just that: kids.

and you are too.