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I'd Love to Hold You Close

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Blue Sargent had secrets of her own, words she couldn’t speak aloud, little thoughts she couldn’t quite spill to anyone. It wasn’t due to embarrassment; no, it was impossible for her to feel embarrassed about such a thing. She kept it a secret because it never came around to talk about such things. No one in her group of friends ever spoke about late night thoughts, and though she was sure that everyone certainly had a secret similar to hers, she didn’t see the point on speaking up about something like this.

She didn’t have many of these in the years prior. Occasionally she would think back on the day she had had while working at Nino’s, the cute little girls that walked by to order something from her, her cheeks flushing at the thoughts that came to her mind, her hands moving over to places she had been scared of touching when she was younger. She had learnt to let go of that fear, to enjoy herself, to think whatever she wanted as long as it didn’t hurt others, since it certainly didn’t hurt her. She read some things online, she was a curious girl, she wanted to know what those thoughts meant, why the idea of a girl with barely any clothes made the lower part of her body feel so warm, why she had a sudden urge to tighten her legs together, or to press a cushion between her legs.

It was rare for her to think such things about boys. She liked their light-hearted laughs, the way with which their hair would fall to their face, their squared shoulders and bolded chests. There were days in which she preferred boys over girls. There were some other days in which he liked boys just as much as she liked girls. But even so, there weren’t many boys she desired. She found them attractive, but also annoying and problematic, and she didn’t want to spend the night with a boy who didn’t make her feel comfortable, not even in her dreams or her late night thoughts.

But as she reminisced the way in which Gansey rested his hand on her bare knee to keep her from falling as she drove his Camaro, she couldn’t help but to feel warm, even in the air of an autumn breeze. She was safe from him now, he was somewhere at Monmouth now, probably thinking of his next move to find Glendower. He was a clever boy, one who certainly spent his nights reading, working on his model of Henrietta, writing on his journal, planning things. She doubted he spent his nights the same way as she did, thinking about her in ways his mother would never approved of. Sometimes she wondered if he ever thought of her like this at all.

A shaky breath escaped her lungs as she thought of him jerking off to the idea of ever seeing her naked body, her curves lit by the moonlight, his body on top of hers, her hands sliding down his spine. She wondered if he had felt the same way when his warm hand rested on her bare knee. The thought of it seemed a bit ridiculous, it wasn’t such a scandalous thing, but during the ride Blue couldn’t think of anything else, and she wanted to think he couldn’t think of anything else either; she needed to know.

She had no idea of when this boy became so important to her life. In the past, the daydreams she had had were only late thoughts for just a night. But he had consumed her, and she thought about him so often it was driving her mad. And when she wasn’t thinking about him without realising it, she brought herself to think about him this way. She knew this would only happen to them in her mind, and though the thought broke her, she wanted to take advantage of it, think of him as much as she could, this was as close as she would ever get.

She was wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt as her pajamas that night, she wouldn’t need anything warmer, her body would be enough. She sighed as she looked up at the ceiling of her room, she had pasted little stars that glowed at night, a little present from Calla. This hadn’t been the first time he had ever touched her like that, but there was something about that night that made her feel helpless. Perhaps it had been the way in which Gansey had whispered to her ear how proud he was of her because she had gotten very good grades at school, his warm breath touching her ears and a bit of her neck. He had been so close to her, his lips so close to his neck. What a waste of a moment.

She closed her eyes and slid on of her hands to her knee. Her hands weren’t as warm, they were a bit sweaty, and they were quite small in comparison, but this would do for the night. She thought of him whispering against her ear again, the sensations this had brought to the rest of her body; she was undone, but she couldn’t show him. She slowly moved her hand further up her thighs, the idea of Gansey doing the same suddenly sending her chills. She slid her other hand inside her shirt, her fingertips moved to a spot that always made her feel warmer between her legs, the same spot in her belly that helped her realise she had reached the point of complete ecstasy.

She smiled for a second, recalling a moment back in the summer in which Gansey had accidentally touched her there. It was swift, almost unnoticeable, but she could never forget. She was wearing a crop top, and Gansey had been staring a bit too much for the others not to notice. It was inevitable, she supposed, he had never seen so much of her skin before; and she was attractive, that she couldn’t deny to herself. They were walking around Cabeswater after Adam helped Ronan restore it, Gansey stumbled upon a branch, his arms quickly went to catch her until he regained his composure. But his hand had been there, for a few seconds, but it had been. That night was wild.

She moved her hand towards her breasts, gently touching the skin around her nipple, the way she imagined Gansey would. She made little circles in her skin, soft, almost as though she wasn’t touching; he was a gentleman, he wouldn’t do anything to rough, especially since he would want to admire everything on his sight, taking the time for all his senses to enjoy this, taking in every little bit of her body.

She rather liked her breasts, she liked to stare at them whenever she wore a shirt with cleavage, such as the one she was wearing in that moment. She loved to feel them, to stare at them in the mirror of her bathroom, bare or not. Every now and then she told herself that whoever got to see them naked would be a very lucky person, and after meeting Gansey, she liked to think he’d be the luckiest man in the world. She giggled at the thought, but she really longed for it, she wanted to see how he would react. Would he just stare at them for a long while? Would he sob and tell her how beautiful she is? Would he proclaim such words but would quickly move to take them in his mouth? Blue wanted answers.

Her other hand slid inside her panties, her very core begging for her to pay attention to it. She took a deep breath before she began to massage her clit, she had promised herself not to be loud this time around, Orla was beginning to suspect something was going on in her room, and Blue wasn’t in the mood to hear her teasing and how everything would be easier for her if she gave herself the time to date someone real, someone who could give her all these things, unlike Gansey.

But she didn’t want them from anyone else that wasn’t him.

Blue imagined his head between her legs as she slid a finger inside of her, a small gasp escaping her lips. She knew her fingers would never leave the same sensation as his tongue, they would never be as wet, as warm, as soft, but this would do for the night. She pushed her finger in and out, very aware of how wet it was becoming, and the smell it would have by the time she was done. Images of Gansey’s head trapped between her thighs as she pulled on his hair passed through her mind, this was perhaps the best thing she had imagined ever since she had met him.

She continued massaging herself, quick breaths escaping through her lips. She tried to keep a steady rhythm with her finger, but a part of her wanted to do it faster, and to slip another finger inside. Nothing seemed to satisfy her, not when she knew that the real Gansey could be able to make her whimper and scream and want to do things she probably never thought possible. She generally went on the easiest way to satisfy herself, she never thought of getting toys, much less of several other positions. But with Gansey she could do so much.

She shook her head, knowing very well that going through that path would take away any sort of satisfaction she could get that night. She kept on going, and she decided to slip another finger inside. It was a little bit painful, she still wasn’t used to having inside more than one finger, but she thought it important for her to grow used to be stretched. She let out a little moan as she hit a spot that sent pleasure all through her body. She smiled, she liked this sensation quite a lot.

“Blue, is everything alright?” her mother asked from the other side of her door.

Blue quickly stopped everything that she was doing and cleaned her fingers. She tried to look as decent as possible before she quickly went and opened the door. Her mother had only been back for a week, but everything had changed ever since, including their relationship.

“I’m alright,” Blue assured her, “I thought you were sleeping.”

Her mother gave her an odd look before shaking her head and saying: “I was, until the phone started ringing. I’m surprised you didn’t hear it.”

Blue widened her eyes. “Is it for me?” she asked.

Maura nodded.

“Is it Gansey?”

Maura nodded again. “I thought he’d have a sense of time. It’s past midnight, definitely not an ideal hour to call.”

Of course she’d think that, she had been absent all those days when Blue called him late at night, sometimes with no reason at all, just the excuse of wanting to listen to his voice. She nodded, knowing very well she would have to walk down and answer the call, then explain to him how this could no longer keep going now that her mother was back. He would be disappointed, but so would she.

She grabbed the phone carefully after making sure her mother had gone back to her room and she waited till she could hear his voice. However, it wasn’t his voice what she could hear, but the slow rhythm of his breaths patiently waiting for someone to speak on the other line. She could almost imagine his face, with apparent peace but full of anxiety, probably wondering why Blue was taking so long to answer, thinking that maybe he had woken her up, or that she just simply didn’t want to talk to him.

“It’s late,” she finally said.

“Oh! I… I’m sorry if I woke-”

“You didn’t.”

“That’s perfect then.”

“Gansey,” she whispered, and she felt her heart clenching. She didn’t want to mutter this words, not ever, “We can’t keep doing this anymore. Now that my mom is back, everything’s different.”

“I know,” he said, “Which is why I’m calling you now.”

Blue raised a brow curiously. “How so?”

“Well, I know that late night drives won’t be an option anymore; which is good in a way, I don’t want you to be exhausted while you’re at school,” he said quietly, and she chuckled. Of course he would say something like that, “But I don’t want to see you less just because your mom is back, or because school has started and we need to put a little bit more of effort into it. Which is why I’m going to ask you now if… if you’d like to spend the night here at Monmouth this Friday. I… I made space in an old room for you to sleep comfortably. I even got a water bed for you, you mentioned you like those.”

“Gansey,” she said with a warning.

“I know it’s risky, Jane, but I wouldn’t want to do anything you wouldn’t want to,” he said, and his words seeped into her skin. He didn’t have to say exactly what he was referring to, she knew it perfectly, and she knew how honest he was being. “I just really want to see you again.”

“That’s alright,” Blue said, then she hung up.


Blue stared at her big blue bag. She had packed everything she thought was necessary for the weekend she would spent at Monmouth Manufacturing. Every now and then her mind would tell her she had forgotten something, but she couldn’t bring herself to remember what it was, so she decided it was probably just her mind fooling her to make her worried. She had definitely brought with herself much more than she intended to, and the bag seemed rounder than usual.

She waited till she could hear the sound of the Camaro outside of her house, which thankfully didn’t take long. Gansey was as excited about this as she was, and she couldn’t blame him. They both knew things would change once they found Glendower, and to be fair, the feeling of knowing that was going to happen soon was quite palpable. She could also feel the sleeping king standing face to face to all of them, willing to grant them a wish.

She ran outside, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone in the house. Her mother had been absent all day, and all the other women from the house knew very well that Blue would leave that day and not come back until Sunday. She had gotten back from school two hours ago and finished her homework as soon as possible.

Gansey was just getting out of his car when she raced to meet him. He was carrying a big smile, a genuine one, and she couldn’t help but to smile back.

“Sorry if this was unexpected,” he said, “I know sleeping in Monmouth probably isn’t the dream, but I… I’ve always been curious about sleepovers, I never had one before. I also really just needed an excuse to see you more. I know it isn’t sensible, but-”

“Gansey,” Blue warned as she stepped into the old Camaro, “If you keep talking like that, I might as well just stay here.”

He nodded and stepped inside. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

They continued the ride in silence, enjoying each other’s company. As he drove, Blue couldn’t help but to stare at his eyelashes, how they gently moved every time he blinked. She liked to stare at his cheekbones, his jawline, gentle yet strong, like the ones of monarchs in the fairy tales she read when she was just a kid. He was beautiful, almost made of porcelain, adoringly breathtaking.

She shook her head, thinking it was wrong for her to think such things so early in the day, while he was sitting right next to her. She knew she wouldn’t be given much time to think of him once they were at Monmouth, her private thoughts. She knew he would be near her almost every moment, and that would make it dangerous for both of them. But a part of her hoped for a moment in which she could give in into the thoughts of them laying together in his bed, her legs spread apart, his body rocking against hers. She gasped as the image crossed her mind.

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, why would you ask?”

“You just seemed flustered out of nowhere,” he responded, his eyes not leaving the road, “I thought something terrible went through your mind and-”

“Not terrible at all, I’m fine,” she stated, “Besides, you should keep your eyes focused on the road. I don’t think my mother would be happy if an accident happened.”

Gansey nodded. “You’re right, Jane, I’m sorry.”

Blue moved her hand towards his, her fingers gently brushing the car’s handle. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out, so she settled herself to only enjoy the feeling of his hand against hers; so warm and so vibrant, just like he was.


Blue settled herself in Noah’s room. The boy had been gone for several days, and after hearing the news of Blue staying in their apartment, he declared he would either spend the night haunting Ronan, or visit his family. It had been a long time since he had last seen them, and though they couldn’t see him back, he enjoyed admiring his now grown up sisters. He couldn’t believe people grew up so fast, or perhaps it was just due to the fact that time didn’t pass the same way once you’re dead.

The place was rather comfortable, small, and a bit cold, but perfect for Blue to spend the weekend at Monmouth. She laid sprawled across the bed, her mind wandering around all the events from that day. She had had a grand time playing videogames with Ronan, Gansey reading as he sat next to Blue, his legs gently brushing hers, warm - just like his hands. He looked up at their game every now and then, giggling every time Blue defeated Ronan. He later made hot chocolate for the three of them, perfect now that the cold weather was reaching Henrietta.

He had been kind to her all along, but he let himself loose, at least more so than the usual. He was laughing more, his beautiful eyes crinkling every time Blue or Ronan spit something funny. They played cards, told each other ghost stories that didn’t necessarily involved Noah, they talked and talked for hours, but it became really late, and Ronan excused himself by saying there was some business he needed to handle. Gansey seemed a bit worried at first, but a look from Ronan’s eye eased him. Ronan was off to spend the rest of the night with Adam.

Blue and Gansey spent some time together afterwards, laying next to each other in the couch. He told her stories about Glendower, his quests, and adventures. She loved the passion that contained every single one of his words. He had been studying these stories for years, and from the tone in his voice she could tell he loved them, every single word. He motioned his hands as he tried to explain, his long and elegant fingers catching every bit of her attention. His eyes were on fire, his lips curling from joy as he saw the interest from Blue. He was a great storyteller, of that she had no doubt.

But she needed to rest, and he insisted on her getting some, not really caring about his own. She wanted to insist, but even she had to admit that she was exhausted, and she wanted to get more sleep, but not without treating herself before. This was the moment she had been longing for earlier that day, and she couldn’t allow herself to waste it.

She took a deep breath as her hands slid towards her belly. Images of her body on top of his, one of his hands massaging her breasts, the other her clit. She closed her eyes and felt her legs clench together, warmth taking place in between her legs. She was so close to him that night, so close that she could walk outside this room and find him and make all these daydreams come true. But she couldn’t, and it tore her apart, but at least she could settle with the feeling of her fingers inside.

She began to rub her clit, softly and in small circles, the way Gansey probably would. She felt herself smile, but she wasn’t sure if it was due to the exciting sensation or the idea of Gansey doing this to her. She opted for both since both took her breath away. She moved her other hand inside the shirt of her pajamas, softly leaving marks from her belly towards her breasts. She massaged her nipples as she felt them hardening at her touch. The thought of Gansey’s lips hovering over them, licking them, even biting them rushed into her mind and she let out a moan.

She slid the finger she had been using to massage her clit towards her entrance and gasped as she felt fulfilled again. The thought of this being one of Gansey’s slim and elegant fingers inside her made her heart race, and she began to thrust her inside, gently at first, worrying how she would react at it; but then quickening, becoming a confident pace, one that wasn’t afraid to go further as long as Blue was pleased and enjoying the moment.

She grinned, feeling as though she knew how Gansey would act in such a situation. She moved her hips in the same rhythm as her fingers, and she slipped another one inside. She liked this, the reckless feeling that came from masturbating with Gansey only a few rooms away. She knew that if she were so bold as to be loud, he would hear her, so she tried to keep her whimpers as quiet as possible. But that’s when she heard him.

If she ever told herself that she wasn’t interested in knowing whether he thought about her in the same way she did at night, she was lying to herself. She wanted him to think about her as he stroke himself, she wanted him to imagine them in different scenarios the way she did. Perhaps it was selfish of her, she knew that the most important thing to him was finding Glendower; but a part of her, a fierce part of her wanted him to have all these carnal desires for her, she wanted to share this little thing with him. It was the least that could happen between them, a strong bond over these desires.

She stood up from her bed and walked out of her room, gently so he wouldn’t know she was approaching. She watched with utter fascination as his hands slid through the length of his cock - his hardened cock. She felt intrusive for doing this, but she didn’t walk away. There was something about this moment that had Blue glued to the floor, her chest aching, telling her that all she wanted was to have her hands there instead of his. She heard him whimper, moan the nickname he had given to her occasionally. It sounded so beautiful, his voice was so beautiful.

“Oh Gansey,” she couldn’t help but to choke out.

He quickly looked up at her as he foolishly tried to cover himself, but she had already seen everything. “Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry I-” he tried to speak, the tone of his voice sounded embarrassed, “I really thought you were sleeping, and… it’s not what it looks like.”

Blue chuckled. “I’m pretty sure this is exactly what it looks like.”

He shook his head in embarrassment. “I… Please don’t think ill of me. I was just… you were so close and-”

She walked over to him and placed a hand over his lips. “Don’t apologise,” she said gently, her fingertips brushing his lips. They were soft and so, so kissable, and the danger that came from them only made them more desirable. She shook her head away from those thoughts, then gently confessed: “I was doing the same as you.”

He looked up at her surprised, but his eyes glinted with hope. She almost felt tears straining from her eyes. “You were?”

Blue nodded. “Yes,” she admitted, “I do it more often than you might think.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I suppose it isn’t the sort of thing people generally talk about she,” she said, “But I do. I like to think about you at night a lot. There are so many things in this world I would like to do with you.”

Gansey chuckled, knowing very well what she was intending to say, then he gently tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, not caring to cover himself anymore, something that didn’t bother Blue in the slightest. “You are, without a doubt, a quite interesting woman, and I love that about you.”

“Well, that’s just perfect because there are many things about you that I love. For example, I love the passion you put into your words when you tell a story, and the warmth of your hands, and the way in which your muscles flex when you’re driving. And really these things turn me on so much.”

Gansey laughed and looked down. “Well, it’s nice to know they do,” he said, “There are many things about you that turn me on a lot too. Like when you bite your lip, please don’t do that right now, Jane.”

Blue let out a loud laugh and nodded. “Noted,” she said, then moved her hands towards his hair, so soft against her touch. “Thank you for telling me your secret, big boy.”

“Thank you for telling me yours, Jane.”

She kissed his temple. “Well, now that we know each other’s dirty truths, would you let me spend the rest of the night with you? And tomorrow too.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “You know we can’t, Jane,” he tried to warn.

“Not in that way!” she exclaimed, “Just the two of us laying in bed warming each other, my head resting on your chest, wouldn’t you want that? Besides, we don’t have much time left before we find Glendower,” she whispered, but both Blue and Gansey knew there was another meaning behind her words, “And I want to take advantage of the little time we have left. Who says our hands can’t play around with one another?”

Gansey smiled. “I can’t argue against that,” he said as he sat with her on his bed, her head quickly moving to rest against his chest. All was well that night.