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Read the Fucking Manual

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Clarke maintains that it's not porn; Raven maintains that's bullshit.

"It's not just porn," she wheedles. "It's educational."

"I'm not saying porn is bad, porn is fine. Just call a spade a spade."

"Look, I own a lot of sex toys," Clarke says. "And some of them are just not very good, and some of them are awesome. And we have really bad sex education in this country. Plenty of adult women don't really know how to get themselves off well. And there are so many sex toys. How are you supposed to know which ones are worth the investment?"

Raven rubs her face. "Look, Clarke, I'm with you on this. I'm just not convinced that if you tape yourself getting off and post it on the internet, it's going to get through to teenage girls who are trying to learn how to masturbate. You're just gonna get a lot of creepy dudes jerking off to you. Is that cool? If that's cool, I'll set it up. I just want you to be prepared for that."

"Maybe they'll learn something," Clarke says, shrugging.

As far as Raven's concerned, she did her best, so she just leans back and considers her roommate for a minute. "So, like, this whole internet porn thing. What percentage of your motivation is pissing off your mom?"

"I hope my mom never finds out I'm recording sex toy videos on the internet." She pauses. "But, you know. I hope every now and then she feels incredibly distressed about her life and doesn't know why. A great disturbance in the force."

Raven snorts and raises her glass. "Great. Setting realistic goals. I'll set up a webcam for you."


It's not like any part of Raven and Clarke's relationship has been normal, so it's not like Raven setting up a porn shoot for Clarke is even that weird, relatively speaking. They dated the same guy. Raven fucked Bellamy after, and Clarke clearly wants to fuck Bellamy. Honestly, they have weirdly similar taste in men, considering how different Bellamy and Finn are. But that's beside the point.

The point is, Clarke and Raven went from dating the same guy to hating each other to kind of getting along to being roommates and best friends, so, honestly, why shouldn't Raven help Clarke film weird lessons about how to masturbate for the internet? This is all within the usual parameters of their friendship, probably.

"This sounds like pornographic iCarly," says Bellamy.

"That's seriously your go-to reference?" Clarke asks.

"I have a sister," he says. "And that show wasn't bad. Way better than Hannah Montana. The dude sucked, though, the two girls just should have hooked up."

"Thanks for your important thoughts on pre-teen girl ships."

"Just teen, thanks." He looks at Raven. "You're seriously going to do this?"

"Why am I the surprising one here?" she asks.

"You know more about how fucked up the internet is. You're going to get weird stalkers showing up at your apartment. I'm going to upgrade your security system."

"Which, coincidentally, is how a lot of pornos start," says Raven. "So you'll fit right in. You come in to fix the security, one thing leads to another, bow chika bow wow."

"Seriously, why are you telling me this?" he asks Clarke.

"Backup emergency contact," she says which Raven does not entirely believe. You don't tell someone you're basically doing porn unless you want them to track it down and watch it. And Bellamy's definitely going to. Raven would be too, if she wasn't going to be there for the live show.

"So, what you're saying is that you acknowledge you might get killed, and you're going to let me upgrade your security system."

"Our security system is that our door has a lock," says Raven.

Bellamy bangs the back of his head lightly against the wall, eyes closed, like their lives are physically painful for him. "I'll bring some options by tomorrow."


Raven basically assumes that Clarke tells Bellamy about the videos because it's step one in a date Bellamy Blake plan, which is just stupid, because Raven is pretty sure Clarke just has to tell Bellamy she wants to date him, and that will be it. They'll be dating. That's the entire plan.

And Raven will be happy for them. Really. They'll be a really cute couple.

It's just that Raven doesn't have a lot of friends, not closefriends. Not the kind of friends she is with Clarke, and not the kind she is with Bellamy either. And when they get together, it's going to be the Clarke and Bellamy show, and that will be great for them.

She has no idea where it will leave her. But she'll figure it out. There are other people in the world. She'll make new friends.

And part of her is morbidly curious about what the fuck Clarke is going to do with her own pornographic iCarly show. Even if it loses her a roommate and a friend, she wants to know what's going to happen with that. So she'll live with the whole Clarke-and-Bellamy thing.

It's not like she wasn't ready for it.

What she isn't ready for is Clarke's expectations about her involvement in the whole porn thing.

"You want me to film your porn?" Raven asks.

"It's not porn!"

"You want me to film you getting yourself off and talking the internet through it?"

"Someone has to."

"No, it's a webcam. It pretty much runs itself."

"It would be better with someone filming. You can, you know. Zoom in at the right places, make sure everyone can see what's happening. It's more dynamic with a camera person, Raven. Just a stationary video is boring. And you can offer commentary!"

"You want me to commentate on your porn."

"It's about helping people get off. So if you have ideas about how to get off better, you can chime in."

Raven knows she should not agree to this. Friends don't film friends doing amateur porn, even if it's supposedly for the greater good.

But it's not like she's not going to watch the video anyway. She'll be too curious not to watch. So it's not worse to see it live. Then Clarke knows, and she won't feel vaguely creepy watching without her.

"Just film?"

"Just film. And commentate if you want."

"Fine. You owe me."

"I owe you so many," Clarke agrees. "Come on, I'll show you the setup."

Raven has to admit, Clarke really put a lot of effort into this. Which doesn't really surprise her; Clarke is one of those people who completely commits to shit, so of course, once she decides she's going to be some sort of internet masturbation guru, she's all-in on it. She has a fucking set. There's lighting.

"Fuck, you're scary," Raven tells her, with some awe.

"If you're going to do something, you might as well do it right," says Clarke, and takes off her shirt and jeans.

Raven is, she thinks, probably a one or two on the Kinsey scale. She mostly likes guys, but she has, on occasion, been attracted to girls.

Mostly blonde girls. Named Clarke Griffin. Who get kind of handsy when they're drunk.

It's not a big deal.

"You think this is okay for a starting outfit?" Clarke asks, looking down at herself. She's wearing a plain blue bra and dark gray boyshorts, practical and kind of cute, sexy mostly because she's the one wearing them, and Clarke in underwear is sexy by default. "I don't want it to be too, like--look how hot I am in my underwear. Just normal."

"Nothing about this is normal," Raven says. "But yeah, I think that's the best you're gonna do."

"Awesome." She sits on the bed, cross-legged, and Raven actually feels kind of guilty for being turned on. Maybe all of Clarke's arguments about this not being porn actually swayed her. Maybe it's just weird to watch your best friend masturbate. "Tell me when you're ready to go."

"I'd ask if you're sure, but you keep telling me you're sure."

"I'm sure."

"Then, yeah, three, two, one, and--"

Clarke beams at the camera. "Hey, guys. So, here's the deal: I didn't learn how to get myself off until I was in college. Which is really sad. Do you know how early guys find out how their bodies work? It's pathetic. And there are so many sex toys in the world, how are you supposed to know which ones to use? Well, I'm going to tell you. I'm Kate--"

"Your pornstar name is Kate?" Raven blurts out, and she thinks she'll have to cut, but Clarke looks delighted.

"What's wrong with Kate?"

"Isn't it supposed to be your first pet and the first street you lived on?"

"My first pet's name was Slippy. You cannot seriously want my porn name to be Slippy."

"God, you had shitty taste in pet names."

"That's my roommate behind the camera. Do you have a porn name?"

"My first pet was Ella, so I'm gonna go with that."

"Cool. So, yeah. I'm Kate, that's my roommate Ella, and we're gonna talk about masturbating. And demonstrate. This is also a good way to figure out if you're into girls, if you're wondering."

"Or if you're just a creepy old dude googling hot blondes masturbating."

"At least they'll find out where the clitoris is," says Clarke. "Seriously, if you guys only learn one thing from me, I want it to be where the clitoris is. That can be my legacy." She stretches, and Raven can see her settling in, going into work mode. "Okay, so, manual stimulation. Simple, easy, no toys. Good first step. Let's do this."

And the weirdest thing is, it is educational. Clarke is casual and relaxed as she touches herself, explaining how important it is to explore your own body, see where you like to be touched, talking about the broad differences between being alone and being with a partner. It's hot, obviously, and Raven is wet from basically the second Clarke starts groping herself, can't help it, but it's admiration, as much as lust.

Clarke comes with a soft noise, her fingers between her legs, and takes a minute to recover.

"You good?" Raven asks.

"Yup," she says, and sits up. "Anyway, yeah. That's how I get myself off with my hands. Anything to add, Ella?"

"Honestly, I can't remember the last time I got myself off without something battery-powered."

"Fine, you can contribute next week," says Clarke. "Anyway, that's it. Ella says she's going to put contact info up and aggressively block people who are assholes, so if you email me, try not to be an asshole about it. Assuming everything goes well, I'll be back."

Raven cuts the camera, and Clarke starts gathering her clothes back. It's honestly not as awkward as it should be. Yes, Raven needs some quality time with her vibrator immediately, but she feels like she's keeping it professional.

"Was that okay?"

"Honestly? You're shockingly good at being a porn mentor. I was not expecting that."

Clarke grins. "Thanks. I'll take a look at it tonight, but I think it's probably fine? One take. Authentic."

"Uh huh."

As she passes, Clarke leans down to press her lips to Raven's temple. "Did I thank you for doing this for me?"

"Nothing says thanks like buying me a six pack."

"Will do."

She gets herself off in the shower an hour later, after they've reviewed the video together, and only feels a little bit guilty.


"So, did you watch it?" she asks Bellamy when she calls him a day after the first video goes up.

"No comment."

"Did you jerk off?"

"No comment."

"Yeah, me too."

"Oh good, I'm glad we're both assholes."

"Look, I'm not saying we're good people," she tells him. "But Clarke definitely would not have told you about the site if she didn't want you to watch. And why would she want you to watch it except that she hasn't figured out how to just tell you she wants to jump your bones? You're good."

There's a long pause, and then he finally says, "So why did she tell you?"

"She needed someone to film, obviously."

"Uh huh. I bet you ten bucks when you jump her, she's happy about it."

"Who says I'm jumping her?"

"Ten bucks."

"Fine. But I get ten bucks when she's happy you jump her too."

"Deal," he says. "When's the next video?"

"Film on Saturday, post on Sunday. Patience is a virtue, Bellamy."

He snorts. "I just really want those ten bucks."


Raven makes it to the fourth video, when Clarke is covering little vibrators with a punch.

"This is honestly gonna be kind of a learning one for me too," Clarke says. "I have a bunch of these, but I don't tend to use them much? I always get them, like, thrown in for free with other purchases."

"No one person needs this many sex toys."

"Needs, no. It's a preference thing. Also, if you're having sex with girls, more sex toys come in handy. Just for variety."

"You can use sex toys with guys."

"Yeah, but I never do as much," Clarke muses. "Which is a shame. If you're watching this and don't usually use sex toys with your partner, think about it. It's fun!"

"You're like a pornographic Hallmark card," says Raven. Their banter is actually a pretty popular part of the show, which weirds her out a little. And people keep asking when she's going to join in, which, gross. Unless it's Bellamy, who just wants his ten bucks and bragging rights. Which is why Raven isn't going to. Among other things.

But then Clarke sucks at bullet vibes.

It's actually kind of hilarious; Clarke really does never use them, and apparently none of them actually pack enough of a punch for her, and she can't quite figure out how to coordinate using the vibrator and getting her fingers inside her, so she's just a frustrated mess.

"Fuck," she whines, pushing her hips up uselessly. "This is the worst. Guys, I'm going to put up a list of these brands and you should never buy them."

"How can you not get off with a bullet vibe?" Raven asks. "That's fucking easy mode. All I had to do was google where my clit was and put one on it when I was sixteen and I had my first orgasm."

"Okay, but now you're an adult," says Clarke. "I've just got so many better vibrators in my life."

"This is pathetic, though."

"If you're so good, you come get me off."

She's serious, Raven can tell. Her eyebrows are up, a challenge, but there's something else in her eyes too, and Raven realizes that she's about to jump Clarke Griffin on camera, and she's going to owe Bellamy ten bucks.

"Do I have to use the bullet vibe?"

"Fuck, I don't care, I just need to come."

"Okay, special, one-time feature," Raven says, swallowing hard. She steps out from behind the camera, leans down to wave. "Hey, guys, Ella here for the assist. I'm sure Kate can give you a play-by-play of what I'm doing wrong."

"You're already planning to do it wrong?" Clarke asks, spreading her legs a little, inviting. She's already turned off the vibrator, put it aside, and she's just waiting. Waiting for Raven to get her off.

"Never fucked a girl before," she says, and kisses Clarke.

She knows kissing isn't necessary, but Clarke responds instantly, opening her mouth before Raven has even tried to deepen the kiss, pulling her closer.

"The angles on this are gonna suck," Raven says. "Sorry, guys, we'll fix it in post."

"Or not."

"Or not," says Raven, sliding her hand between Clarke's legs. "So, I hear this is your clit."

"Someone's been paying attention." She pulls Raven's mouth back to hers, kissing her deep and wet, and Raven lets her fingers stroke Clarke's clit, testing the feel out of it. Clarke shaves, which she Raven never bothers with, and her clit is a little wider, soft under Raven's fingers. "Yeah," Clarke breathes, pushing against her. "Guys, seriously, it's amazing how much better your partner's fingers feel on your skin than yours do. I know I talked about it before, but holy shit."

Raven kisses down her neck, to her breast, and Clarke arches against her mouth. "Yeah, this is the easiest mode. Getting off with someone who's invested in your orgasm."

"And never get off with anyone who isn't invested in your orgasm. You're going to meet people who don't care if you get off. And--fuck," she gasps, as Raven slides two fingers inside her. She's fucking wet, slick and so ready for Raven inside her.

"You're supposed to be telling me what to do. I'm going in blind here."

"You're doing fine," says Clarke. "Just be careful of your nails and have fun."

"Have fun and be yourself," Raven teases, but Clarke's smile is soft.

"Definitely be yourself."

"Then I'm gonna put my tongue in you, I want to know how you taste," she says, and Clarke shudders, full body.


She slides her fingers out, uses Clarke's own slickness to work her clit. She tries to remember what she likes, the best cunnilingus she's ever gotten, which was Bellamy, of course. He's going to watch this, and she feels herself getting wetter, knowing that. He's going to be so fucking into this.

Clarke moans as Raven slides her tongue inside, exploring, making Clarke squirm and tangle her hands in her hair.

"You're not telling anyone what I can do better," she says, voice husky, and moves back in, chasing the taste of Clarke.

"She's doing an amazing job, everybody," Clarke says. "Don't worry."

"You still haven't come yet," Raven points out, and slides her mouth up to play with Clarke's clit instead, the way she thinks Bellamy would do it, sucking and teasing, working her fingers back in, three now, and Clarke gasps and arches.

It really doesn't take long after that, and she feels like the coolest person in the world.

"Go turn off the camera," Clarke says, when she regains her breath.

She flashes the peace sign as she passes. "Sorry, guys. I hope you saw some of that."

"I really don't care."

"What about your uneducated public?" Raven teases.

Clarke's grin is warm and slow, and it's so good, having Clarke looking at her like that.

"This one was for me," she says.

They make out for what feels like hours, until Raven is grinding down against Clarke's leg, desperate like she can't ever remember being, and Clarke finally goes down on her, all flawless technique, fingers and tongue and a fucking smirk Raven can feel against her clit.

"I thought this was an elaborate plot to get Bellamy," she admits, when they're curled up together. It feels safe, because--he's going to find out. And it's going to be weird.

At least he'll get ten bucks.

"Mm, close," says Clarke, easy. "Other way around."

"Other way around?"

"Getting Bellamy is part of the elaborate plot," she says. "Second part." She nuzzles Raven's neck, presses her lips under her chin. "You still want Bellamy, right?"

"Oh." It's barely a breath. "Yeah."

"Cool. So, that's the next step."


"Ten bucks," says Raven, and high fives him when he offers his hand.

"Told you."

"She wants you to be the new cameraman."

"She needs a new cameraman?"

"Come on, the angles on our hookup were terrible."

"Yeah, it definitely ruined the viewing experience for me. I haven't watched it five times."

"No way you've just watched that five times."

He bites his lip, looks at her in a way that makes her nearly shiver. "Seriously, Raven, are you guys seriously asking me to film you having sex?"

She considers. "No," she tells him, deliberate. "That's not really what we're asking."


Bellamy follows her home and flops onto the couch next to Clarke. "Jesus Christ, all you had to was ask," he tells her.

She puts her feet in his lap, grinning. "Not everything is about you, Bellamy."

"No, some things are about Raven," he says. They look comfortable there, natural together like she always thought they would be. And she's apart, like she always assumed she would be. But then Bellamy lifts his arm for her, and she fits right up against him.

"Some things are about the future of our country. I'm educating people."

"Oh, yeah, for sure. I've learned a lot."

Clarke laughs and slides closer, reaching across his stomach so she can take Raven's hand, tangling their fingers together. "See? I'm doing good in the world."

"You're a giver." Raven sees him wet his lips, and then he tilts Clarke's mouth up and kisses her. It's really fucking hot, the way Clarke melts into him, the way Bellamy cradles her chin with one big hand.

The way Clarke squeezes Raven's hand as she presses closer, drawing Raven in too.

"So what I'm getting is that I have two porn star girlfriends now," Bellamy says, voice rough. He slides his hand off Clarke's chin and back around Raven, pushing up under her shirt, tracing an idle pattern on her side. When he kisses her, it's deep and warm, familiar even though it's been years since they hooked up.

She pulls on Clarke's hand, getting her all the way into Bellamy's lap, wrapping one arm around her.

Bellamy laughs against her mouth, and Raven buries her face against Clarke's neck, taking just--

She needs a second. She never fucking imagined.

"I'm not really a porn star yet," she tells Bellamy, smiling from her place against Clarke's shoulder.

"I saw your hit counter," he says. "Turns out adding another girl makes you guys way more popular."

"It's not porn," Clarke says, tangling her hand in Bellamy's hair and tugging gently. "I keep telling you. I'm providing a valuable service."

"Naked," says Raven.

"Touching yourself," Bellamy adds.

"Getting off on camera."

"But in a valuable way," he finishes. "Like I said, I've learned a lot."

"You know," Raven says, nuzzling Clarke's neck. "He keeps saying that, but I haven't seen any evidence he learned anything about how to get you off."

"Yeah," says Clarke. "Come on, Bellamy. Show us what you learned."

Bellamy grins, leans in to kiss her again, wetter and deeper, and Raven slides her hands around Clarke's waist, kisses her neck.

"I'm learning too, right?" she asks, when Bellamy raises his eyebrows, and he laughs and leans in to kiss her too.

"Yeah, yeah," he says. "We're all enriched."


Raven gets her ten bucks back from Bellamy the next morning, and then he eats her out on the sofa while Clarke is still asleep.


"Okay, so, we've got a couple changes on the show this week," Clarke says. Bellamy's behind the camera with Raven, his arms wrapped around her waist, his chin on her shoulder, already half hard against her ass. Life is good. "First off, yes, Ella and I are now dating and, yes, a lot of our viewers are very creepy about it. So we've got a new feature, partner time, which will involve me and a partner showing you how you can use toys on each other. The partner's either going to be Ella or our boyfriend, Freddie." She makes a face. "Do you really want your porn name to be Freddie?"

"You're the one who started the pornographic iCarly thing," says Bellamy. "I'm just leaning into it."

"You're going to be fucking me on camera and I'm going to have to say, Oh, Freddie."

"Yeah, you'll live." He kisses Raven's jaw. "Come on, Kate. I'm excited to see the live show."

Clarke rolls her eyes, all fondness. "Anyway, yeah. A couple changes around here, but--" She looks down at her hands, and it's a surprisingly tender moment, given Clarke's in her underwear literally forming a porn video. "I think they're gonna be good."

"Yeah," says Raven, sliding her hand over Bellamy's on her stomach, squeezing his fingers. "I think it's gonna be great. Now take it off!" she adds, and Clarke laughs.

"So, yeah, this is how it's going to be," Clarke says, grinning at the camera. "Let's have some fun, guys."