Work Header


Work Text:

Jesus ate the apple. 

"Not bad," he said to Adam, who nodded. "I can see why you wanted this."

"I mean, your dad was kinda," said Adam, and pointed up to the sky. Jesus nodded. 

"Yeah, I know how he can be," he said.


Sometimes Jesus liked going to Adam's, because he actually had a pretty awesome spot in heaven. Despite being the downfall of man and all, Adam's crib was decked out with loads of fruit and trees and snake statues. God probably put them there for a laugh, Jesus thought. He always thought his dad was crazy.

"Actually," Adam said one day, "it wasn't an apple that I'd eaten." 

"It wasn't?" God (the Father) had never been clear with Jesus on this.

"It was a papaya." 

"Oh." Jesus blinked. "Papayas grow on trees?" 

Adam rolled his eyes. "You're god. Aren't you supposed to know everything?" 

"Dad likes giving me selective knowledge," Jesus grumbled. 

"Tell me about it," said Adam. 


"Do you know if Santa exists?" Adam asked one day. 

Jesus turned to him. He'd been filing his nails with a golden nail filer, even though his nails hadn't even needed filing in the first place because they were so godly and perfect. But he needed something to pass time. 

"How do you even know about Santa?" he asked Adam. "You've been up here for thousands of years." 

"Yeah, but I go down sometimes." Adam shrugged. "Not down down... not that kind of down either," he added when Jesus raised his eyebrows. "Just to, y'know. Laugh at people who debate about my existence." 

"I bet you creep on little children too," Jesus said dryly. 

"I do not!" said Adam indignantly. "Okay, just because I was the first man doesn't mean I committed incest with any of my children! Or grandchildren!" 

"There's no proof of that," said Jesus.

"Did you think God would allow it?" 

"I dunno, you tell me." 

Jesus rolled his eyes and returned to filing his nails. "I'm just the sacrifice, carry on." 

"Christ," said Adam, and Jesus shot him a dirty look.


"You didn't answer my question the other day." 

Adam was at Jesus's house now. Jesus didn't like to brag, but he was pretty sure his part of the penthouse that he owned with Father and Spirit was the biggest room. He wouldn't mention it to Spirit, though, because Spirit was a little shit. 

"What question?" Jesus was lying on his canopy God-the-Son-sized bed. 

"The thing about Santa," said Adam. "You just kinda disappeared." Then: "Why can't I disappear like that?" 

"I come with a fade in/fade out effect," said Jesus. "And yeah, Santa does exist. He died a few centuries ago, because Beezelbub came during the French Revolution to kill him." 

"What do Santa and Beezelbub have anything to do with the French Revolution?" 

"Santa's roots trace back to France. Beezelbub hates the French." 

"He sounds like every other human being back on earth," said Adam, and then, "Some spirits up here, too." 

"Humans are part demon, though," said Jesus. "'cause of you and all." 

"Don't remind me," muttered Adam. He flopped next to Jesus onto his bed. 

"I had another question," he said, "stuck in my head for the past few milleniums. So. Um. If God the Father knows everything any time any place, wouldn't he have known that I'd eat the papaya?"

"Uh," said Jesus. "I was just a fetus when that happened. Don't ask me." 

"So much for omnipotence." 

"I'm as omnipotent as I need to be!" said Jesus. "Like. You could ask me who the biggest boy band in the world is right now!" 

"I don't care about boy bands," said Adam. 

"It's One Direction," said Jesus. 

"Because I needed to know that," said Adam.

They sat on Jesus's bed for a bit more. It wasn't too odd for Jesus, because they often hung out - Father was usually busy and Jesus was bored all the time (and Spirit was still a little shit) and Adam seemed the coolest, as Jesus was pretty sure that as the first man, even though he was the one who doomed the rest of humanity, he had less problems than those guys complaining about that war or the other war. Or, you know, the Crusades. 

"Where's Eve?" he asked, though, because he hadn't seen her lately. 

"She has a thing for Gabriel," said Adam, rolling his eyes. 

"And you don't care?" asked Jesus. 

"We're not married in Heaven," said Adam, raising an eyebrow at him. "I thought this was something you learned in Heaven 101." 

"Sorry for being a fuckin' fetus at the time," said Jesus, rolling his eyes. 

"I'm pretty sure God told me that we're supposed to be asexual, when I died, though," said Adam. 

"Oh," laughed Jesus, "that one. Yeah, he likes doing that to see how long you can repress your urges."

"Does homosexuality still count as an urge?" asked Adam. 

"What?" said Jesus. 



The way heaven worked was that Jesus got rounds every weekend, which was better than the Father's shift (which was 24/7 except for Christmas--that was Jesus's other round), and Spirit whenever people had problems. Which was almost 24/7, except there was always those three minutes every day where it'd be taking its break in heaven and drank Red Bull--spirits flew, of course--and annoyed the crap out of Jesus. 

Anyway, though, weekend shifts weren't too bad; he just had to go around Earth and watched the people who prayed to him, watched the people who didn't, the people who watched football, and the people who prayed to Mary (who didn't live in a penthouse, so Jesus was always confused by that), and Allah who lived right next door, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster who was actually Father's secretary, and Buddha who was the famous opera singer down the block. 

"Slow day today?" asked Adam when Jesus came trudging to his room Sunday night--midnight. "Or fast day, you look the same either way." 

"Slow," Jesus confirmed, "some people forgot it was daylight savings today. Also, some girls started building shrines of those One Direction guys." 

"Who?" said Adam. 

"Louis has a spot saved up here already," said Jesus. 

"What?" Adam said again. 

"Never mind," said Jesus. 

He sometimes wondered why he came to Adam's so often, before he remembered, oh, right, Adam's was the closest to the golden gates, since he was the first man and all, even though he wasn't the first to die. (That was Abel, whom God had transformed into his pet sheep and stroked it every night at dinner.) Moses and Paul were pretty pressed about that, but the first man had to get something. 

"Also," said Jesus, "I lied that other day. When I said about the biggest boyband. I mean, yeah, they are universally, but the actual biggest physical boyband--" 

"You do realize that I don't care," said Adam. 

"You're hurting my feelings," said Jesus,deadpan. "You always do." 

"I always listen to your complaints." 

"Yeah, so," said Jesus, and Adam sighed. 

"Okay. Who's the biggest boyband, in terms of..." 

"Number," said Jesus. 


"Technically, it's B21," said Jesus, "this kpop group that hasn't promoted in like, forever. In terms of active boy bands, though, it's this other kpop group called Super Junior--" 

"Koreans are crazy," said Adam. 

"They are," Jesus agreed. "They've actually accumulated so much in heaven that they have their own city on the west side." 

"Not the South?" 

"Dad thought that would've been too predictable," said Jesus. 

"Right, yeah," said Adam. "The world's creator wants to make everyone's lives miserable." 

"It's his job," said Jesus. "And I'm supposed to help them feel better." 

"While you come to my house and complain to me," said Adam.

Jesus wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. "Do you not want me to?" he asked. "You didn't seem to be annoyed by it before, but if you--" 

"No," said Adam hurriedly, "no, it's fine. I mean, yeah, but like-- You don't have to leave, or anything." 

"Uh," said Jesus. "Are you sure, because I'm supposed to be all loving and caring and everything, and I do care if you--" 

"It's fine," Adam said again. "Seriously. Anyways, with Eve moving onto other men..." He gestured around his empty apartment. 

"Oh," said Jesus, and felt guilty that he hadn't asked more about that. "Are you okay with it? I mean, do you need someone to talk to?" 

"Dude," said Adam. "I've been like this for a few millennia. If I was upset about it, I might've gotten over it a while ago." 

"Tesla's still pretty upset about Einstein," said Jesus. 

"Yeah, but that's Tesla and Einstein." Adam rolled his eyes and flopped onto his couch. It wasn't as high-quality leather as Jesus's, but it was pretty damn fine. 

"So, this a bachelor pad for you?" said Jesus. "Bring ladies home and everything?" 

"Uh," said Adam. "About that." 


Adam never got to explain "about that", though, because apparently Spirit's three minutes were at that moment and it shouted, "SAVE ME I'M SO CONFLICTED," and Jesus had asked, "Conflicted about what?" and Spirit had said, "I CAN'T DECIDE IF I EXISTED AT THE BEGINNING OF TIME OR NOT," and Jesus had to drag Spirit to Father and have Father explain yet againthat yes, Spirit did exist in the beginning of time because he was floating above the waters and Spirit wouldn't stop crying for a good two hours.


So after Spirit's existential crisis, Jesus had decided that it was time to go to sleep and Adam didn't have the chance to tell him what "about that" meant.


On Tuesday, though, Adam did go over to Jesus's place to play Xbox and Adam asked him, "Could you get on AIM tonight?" 

"No one uses AIM anymore," said Jesus, throwing a punch at Adam's sprite. "Can't you just talk to me now?" 

"No," said Adam. 

"What's wrong with talking?" 

Jesus kept playing on the Xbox till he realized that Adam didn't seem as comfortable as he usually was and glanced over to him. Adam looked nervous. 

"Some things I just can't say out loud," he said. "Like, uh. How I totally thought that Mao Zedong had great taste in music." 

"That's blasphemous, and yes," said Jesus, "but you know me. All-loving guy and everything. Hippie. What's up?" 

"I said, AIM," muttered Adam, and refused to speak any more on the subject. 


So that evening, a few hours after Adam had left to Water & Wine for dinner (Jesus hated that place), Jesus got on his Macbook and fired up AIM. Adam was already on. 

saviormessiahredeemer: Hey. Sup? 
thefirstguyevurrrrrrr: (Adam's username was like that because every other variation of "ever" and with other numbers of r's, and "evur" with other numbers of r's, before it got past the username limit, were taken. Apparently some people liked to think that they were first first.): um, hi. 
thefirstguyevurrrrrrr: so uh 
thefirstguyevurrrrrrr: im gay 
saviormessiahredeemer: Oh 
saviormessiahredeemer: Okay 
saviormessiahredeemer: Wow you're a pussy. 
saviormessiahredeemer has logged off.
thefirstguyevurrrrrrr: ... what????? jesus where did u go??


Jesus pounded at Adam's door. 

"Open up!" 

"Go away!" Adam's voice shouted back. "What was that last message supposed to mean?" 

"Adam, you're stupid!" said Jesus. "Didn't anyone ever send you the memo half a century ago?" 

Adam whipped the door open. 


"Yeah, apparently Dad edited the Bible or something," said Jesus. "Took out all the parts with homosexuality, or whatever. Or turned them into bestiality. I don't know. The Bible in your drawer should be updated though." 

"What?" said Adam, looking confused. 

Jesus nodded toward his bedside drawer, visible through his bedroom's doorway. "Every room comes with a Bible," he says. "Like hotels." 

"Oh," said Adam, and then went over to take out the Bible and flipped through it. 

"Leviticus 18:22: Thou should not lie with goths, as with nongoths; it is an abomination.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 : Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters, nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor goths... 
1 Timothy 1:10: ... for those practicing the art of goth... 
1 Romans 1:26-28: and likewise also the men, leaving the natural cause of women, burned in their lust toward goths; men with goths working that which is unseemly... 

How come no one told me this?" cried Adam. 

"Who's your centennial messenger?" asked Jesus.

"I think God assigned me Cain," said Adam. "Since it was early on, and all." 

"Might explain a few things," said Jesus. "You probably missed a lot of memos. But so. Yeah. Homosexuality isn't a sin anymore. And you," he added to Adam, putting a finger on his chest and letting himself in, "are a pussy because you told me that on something as outdated as AIM, and you could've just--" 

"I thought you might've judged me or something," said Adam. 

"Dad does the judging, and you have to remember that I'm not my dad," said Jesus, and Adam bit his lip. 

"Um," he said. "There's more." 

"There's more what? Stuff you have to confess? Goddammit," said Jesus, because why couldn't he just have ultimate omnipotence like his dad? 

Adam shuffled his feet. 

"Uh," he said. "I kind of, um. Want to move in with you? Because I like you. And. Um, I mean--" 

"I know what you mean," interrupted Jesus, thanking that at least he had common social clues about "I like you"s. "Well that's certainly a little more complicated." He rubbed his beard. "But not that many chicks dig me, so eh." 


"Yeah, I'll move in with you ," said Jesus. "Or, well, you can move into my place, since it's all nice and all--I'll have to talk to Dad about that, 'cause technically only us three can live in our penthouse--you could be like, the fourth part of the Trinity, or something. Dad could upgrade your status and you could get fade-in/fade-out effects too!" 

"I don't think I need that much," said Adam, and to Jesus's relief, he laughed. He looked more comfortable now. "But, um. What about the whole, um, me-liking-you thing?" 

"We could make it work," said Jesus. "You're aware that I've been a virgin the whole time I've existed, right? Marilyn won't stop talking about how great it was like, a few months before she died or something." 

"Um," said Adam, and he blushed. 

"You practically live there, anyways," said Jesus, "at my house. Which we should go back to, by the way."


God (the Father) couldn't stop laughing. 

"From the very beginning," he said, and then doubled over on his throne again. "I was totally just considering putting you on Earth instead of taking Adam's kidney and giving it to Eve." 

"So we would've been the first man and man?" Jesus grumbled. "Well, could've done a lot for LGBTQ rights..." 

"Well, women are great and all," said God. "And men." God was omnisexual. 

"Adam's in your shower right now," said God, his eyes glinting. "You should join him." 


"I'm joking, I'm joking," said God, and laughed again. "Sort of." 

"What about Spirit? Any evil plans for it?" 

"Considering sending it to make a guy who's gonna be born in a few months walk around and think he's you, but that would be cruel and ironic, so no," said God. "And setting you up with Adam was not an evil plan. It was actually a pretty good plan." 

"You hardly set us up," said Jesus. "We did everything ourselves." 

"Right, because that's how things work." God rolled his eyes. "And Adam's finishing conditioning his hair, if you don't want to join him..." 

"You're so creepy," said Jesus. 

God grinned. "It's my job."