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Haunted Segway Tours

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Some years later—it doesn't fucking matter how many, you little asswipe, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.—Anyway, several years later, after the movie's ended and Wade and Vanessa tried to live happily ever after (spoiler alert: they don't. Mostly because people keep fucking trying to kill the both of them and then it turns out Vanessa can shape shift and she leaves for Alaska or something because she's tired of being nearly killed every god damn week. …anyway…), Wade decides to actually go on that stupid fucking Haunted Segway Tour. (He still has the brochure he plucked from the back of Dopinder's taxi cab.) But anyway, Wade's bored, Blind Al is blind, Weasel is doing some chick (probably), and Hydra Bob is fuck knows where. So, Wade goes to the stupid Haunted Segway Tour thingie alone.

 

He's honestly, disgustingly, horribly excited for it, too, 'cause, come on, guys, Segways

 

Anyway.

 

At the stupid Haunted Segway Tour Wade meets, like, a handful of people and they all stare ‘cause he looks so badass in his suit, right? So they stare and Wade laughs in their faces and tries to run over people's toes with the damn Segway and has bunches of fun, honestly, and, not to mention (but we're totally gonna mention it), the Haunted Segway Tour Guide is FUCKING HOT. Wade wouldn't really say, like, "hot like burning" mostly because Wade has actually been on fire before but the dude is totally hot in that "you make my peepee hard" kinda way (I.E., the BEST way). So Wade also spends tons of fucking time trying to get to the front of their little Segway pack so that he can hit on the Tour Guide. 

 

But the asshole Tour Guide seems to JUST KNOW whenever Wade's getting close and will either veer off to the side or put on speed to get away. Now, Wade isn't someone to be deterred (until the mask comes off and they scream or unless they're all, like, "dude, what the fuck? Not interested." But even then sometimes Wade'll keep trying. (Heeeeelllllllllloooooo, Spider-Man! Fucker's like the sun and's got an ass that just won't QUIT! Much like the Tour Guide's. Anyway...)) So the Tour Guide seems to Just Know when Wade is near. Wade'll just have to devise a plan where the Tour Guide has to interact with him.

 

So, Wade breaks his Segway.

 

In the MOST KILLER BADASS WAY POSSIBLE. Like driving it off a bridge or doing a super-cool super-jump over a ravine and then through a ring of FIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAA!!!!!

 

Or into a tree.

 

That works, too.

 

Anyway.

 

Hot Tour Guide rushes over and asks if Wade's okay.

 

"Dude, are you okay?"

 

Just like that.

 

But Wade's okay, of fucking course, so he responds with: "I think I'm drowning. I need mouth to mouth resuscitation." And then the dipshit (Wade,) lifts his mask to make kissy faces at Hot Tour Guide.

 

Surprisingly, Hot Tour Guide doesn't run in fear. Like, we know, right? Woooooooow

 

Instead, Hot Tour Guide scoffs and says, "Pull your mask back down, Deadpool. You're scaring the children on my tour."

 

"Nuh-uh, hot stuff. This is a 'Haunted Tour.' I'm adding believability."

 

Hot Tour Guide rolls his eyes and huffs. "No, you ended my tour." And then Hot Tour Guide yells directions to the other Tour Guide (Also-Hot-But-With-a-Vagina Tour Guide), telling them to just get every—… Fuck it. Everyone leaves and Wade and Hot Tour Guide are, like, alone on some supposedly haunted stretch of road or in a park or some other stupid haunted place in some big ass city where some asshole actually DID think it was a good idea to do Haunted Segway Tours instead of regular Haunted Walk-Around-With-Your-Own-Two-Damn-Legs,-You-Lazy-Bastards Tours. And also, Haunted Segway Tours? Like, how do we know that they're actually gonna drive us around on the Segway and look at haunted places? What if it's really just a tour around a building that has haunted Segways in it? Like, haunted cars but Segways. Like, some old, rich, white dude loved his Segway so much that he returns from beyond the grave every night to ride that puppy till kingdom come. (…… That sounds dirty. Teehee.)

 

Anyway.

 

So Hot Tour Guide says, "My name's Peter."

 

And Wade, finally disentangled from the haunted Segway (and tree) says, "Like Peter, Paul, and Mary?"

 

And Hot Tour Guide sorta looks like maybe he's thinking about laughing or maybe thinking about taking a shit but he still says, "Nope. Just Peter."

 

"I like Hot Tour Guide better."

 

Now Hot Tour Guide sorta looks like he's a devout catholic praying for heavenly patients.

 

Cute.

 

So somehow (or maybe Hot Tour Guide offers or some other semi-convoluted thing happens but) Wade ends up standing by his favorite hot dog stand and convincing Hot Tour Guide to share a nearly-midnight-but-not-quite hot dog. (‘Cause what’s the point of a Haunted Tour at fucking noon? It’s too bright and shit to see the ghosts.) So they eat and stuff and for some reason Hot Tour Guide doesn't leave but actually sticks around and sorta looks a little pained every time Wade tells a joke but he (Hot Tour Guide, that is) also sorta giggles (also cute) and, like, doesn't run away or make a weird face when Wade takes his mask off for whatever weird plot reason he takes his mask off for.

 

Whatever.

 

Shut the fuck up.

 

And then, like, Hot Tour Guide actually invites Wade back to his place and as soon as the door closes Hot Tour Guide shoves Wade up against the door and, instead of, like, attacking Wade, he attacks Wade. With his face. As in, his lips and tongue, not, like, a head-butt. And, like, also sucks Wade's dick, or something. And it's right around then, when Hot Tour Guide is on his knees and working the fly of Wade's suit open that Wade decides he should probably refer to Hot Tour Guide by his name. Patrick or something. Paul? No, not Paul… Was it Peter? Fuck it, it's Peter now. (At least until Wade can ask again what it is.)

 

And, fuck, do Peter's pretty pink lips look fucking great wrapped around Wade's dick. Like, wow. And damn, Peter does this thing with his tongue that would kill a lesser man than Wade. It fucking would

 

And then Peter pulls off Wade's dick with an obscene pop and says, "I want to fuck you." 

 

And Wade's brain sorta short circuits because yes, please.

 

"Fuck, yes, baby boy. But I'll warn ya now, last time someone shoved something in my ass they did not use enough lube so I hope you have one of those industrial sized pump bottles or something ‘cause my ass is like Fort fucking Knox until you get about four fingers up there."

 

Baby Boy laughs, and, fuck, his throat is just begging for love bites (hickies, whatever the fuck you wanna call 'em, Wade is gonna put so many on Baby Boy. Just… all over. Fuck). 

 

"Just get your fucking suit off and get on my bed, Wade. I'll grab the lube and condoms." 

 

And it's not like Wade is gonna argue with that. And besides! This is gonna be the first time he'll've had sex while completely sober in, like, years or something. Plus, his partner will be sober, too! Double yay!!

 

So Wade gets naked and gets on the bed and Baby Boy comes in with a box of condoms. 

 

Baby Boy laughs and drops the condoms on the bed. Reaching into the nightstand for the lube, he says, "Now I feel overdressed." 

 

Wade smirks and shifts to his most alluring sexy pose. He says, huskily, "I can help with that."

 

Baby Boy laughs again and tosses Wade the lube. "I don't doubt that." And when he pulls off his Haunted Segway Tours uniform shirt Baby Boy is fucking ripped. Like, daaaaaaamn son. Somebody's been eatin' their Wheaties.

 

It's right around the time when Baby Boy has finished pulling all his clothes off and has joined Wade on the bed and has started making out with him (without even flinching!!) that Wade starts to wonder if maybe he hit that tree a lot harder than he thought he did.

 

"Am I dead right now?"

 

But if Wade were dead then Death would be here and probably trying to join them so… Maybe not dead? Maybe Baby Boy just likes scars? Or maybe he's a sex worker and is just waiting till the end to be all, "Three hours is three hundred dollars." (Not the first time it's happened to Wade. Frowny-face.)

 

But Baby Boy sorta of giggle/snorts (shut up, it's totally a thing) and says, "You're not dead. But honestly, I've been wanting to fuck you, or have you fuck me, probably since I met you, so… If you don't want my dick in your ass let me know, okay?"

 

And Wade is a little bit (beyond) surprised that Baby Boy would want to fuck him out of the suit, and not just only in the suit. ('Cause come on, the suit is fucking sexy. Wade would probably seriously consider fucking himself as long as it was in the suit. He knows he's one ugly mother fucker.)

 

"No, no. This is good. I like the way your dick looks. It looks good. I bet it's gonna feel great in my ass. I mean, it's probably gonna be the biggest thing I've ever had in my ass but I am so up for a challenge. I haven't thought of myself as a size queen before but I might be after tonight. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, 'Let's get it on'."

 

And Baby Boy laughs again. He shakes his head, reaching for the lube, and says, "I should not find your lame jokes so fucking funny. Seriously. I have to bite my damn tongue every time you open your mouth."

 

"Really? Well then, have I ever told you—" but then Baby Boy leans forward and shuts Wade up with his lips and shit, Baby Boy sure knows how to kiss a guy stupid. (Like, really fucking stupid.)

 

And, like, his fingers feel fucking great, too. Butt sex is fucking weird (LOL), you know? Like, not just in a "we're not having normal penis-in-vagina sex" way but also in a "things usually come OUT of here, not go IN." But, fucking damn! Baby Boy's fingers are gentle and long and feel so fucking great up against Wade's prostate, shit. (Not, like, literal shit, but, like, in a "holy fuck this is the most amazing anal fingering I have ever experienced in my life" way.)

 

"Fuck, fuck. Just, like, put your dick in me already, Baby Boy. ‘Cause your hands are like the tears of Jesus Christ himself poured directly into my asshole."

 

Baby Boy laughs again, smothering his face in Wade's hip and muttering, "I can't believe you made me listen to that with my own two ears," before reaching for the condoms and rolling one on.

 

Aaaaaawwww yiiiiisssss!!!! Mutha' fuckin' orgasmin' time!!

 

And yeah, taking Baby Boy's dick is like a religious experience and Wade's never felt so full of the Holy Spirit before in his life. (Or dick. He's never been so full of dick before either and, fuck, does he fucking love it. Like, dayum, sun. Dick. More specifically, Baby Boy's dick. Mmmmmmm. Fuck.)

 

"Shit," Baby Boy mutters. "I shoulda stretched you out more, you're so fucking tight."

 

And Wade tries to say something like, "No, this is fucking great. This is fucking amazing. I have died and snuck my way into heaven itself," but what actually comes out is one of those embarrassing whimpering keening noises. 

 

"You okay? Or should I pull out?"

 

And Wade shakes his head because, Fuck. No. Baby Boy should not pull out. That is the opposite of just about everything Wade wants right now. 

 

"Mm'good."

 

"Alright. You ready for me to move or...?"

 

And Wade nods because he's pretty sure that the angle Baby Boy's dick is at already is pressing into his prostate and the thought of that dick moving and still hitting his prostate is like Christmas morning to a three year old.

 

And Jesus fucking Christ, hallelujah. Baby Boy not only has an amazingly sized dick, he can make you see God himself with it. And he is surprisingly strong, too, because the last time Wade was manhandled into someone's lap like that was probably while he was trying to kill people. And damn, Baby Boy's shoulders are broad and look how fucking nice they look when Wade digs his nails in for leverage and—oh shit, this is gonna be over so fucking fast cause Baby Boy is just running his tongue over Wade's neck and shoulder and sucking bruises into his skin and watching them disappear and he doesn't seem to be revolted by Wade's gross pepperoni skin at all and that is fucking with Wade's head. Just fucking killing his ability to last. So, yeah…

 

Wade does end up coming first, with Baby Boy’s killer dick buried balls deep in his ass, Baby Boy's hand wrapped around Wade's dick, and sitting his Baby Boy's lap. And when his ass starts milking at Baby Boy's dick, Baby Boy starts to lose his rhythm. He pushes Wade back onto the bed, hitches Wade's hips up with his big, sexy hands, and just goes to fucking town on Wade's ass. 

 

Fuck.

 

It's amazing.

 

Wade's pretty sure he's seeing stars.

 

When Baby Boy finally comes, it's with a slew of cursing and twitching hips, like he's desperate to get as deep into Wade as possible.

 

"Fuck, Peter. Damn. Ten out of ten, would fuck again." Wade gives Peter a thumbs-up and collapses back on the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes.

 

Peter laughs again, pulling out gently, and ties off the condom before tossing it in the trash. 

 

"You can fuck me next time if you want," Peter says, sprawling onto the bed next to Wade.

 

Next time?

 

Next time?

 

"Next time?"

 

No one offers Wade a "next time."

 

"Yeah," Peter shrugs a shoulder. "If you want, I'm game. Maybe later tonight? After a snack or a nap or something. Give me, like, twenty minutes and I can get it back up."

 

Oh, no. Oh ho ho ho, no. No. Nope. There is no way Wade is waiting twenty minutes for "next time." Peter might change his mind. He might realize Wade’s one fugly freak. Nope. 

 

"I'm hard now. Now is good. I can start fingering you open if you want. Snacks can wait. Let's fuck."

 

And instead of kicking Wade out of bed like some normal, rational person would, Peter laughs again and waves a hand toward the bedside table.

 

"Lube's on the night stand. Condoms are on the floor." And then Peter spreads his legs and, oh yeah, Wade does not need to be told twice.

 

So they bang again and stuff and then they keep fucking every few days because it seems like maybe Peter can't actually see Wade's ugly mug at all and Wade isn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. (Which, funnily enough, the phrase came about because horses are fucking expensive but if they had bad teeth, most likely you'd have to kill it in a week. Who knew dental hygiene could be so important?!)

 

But, yeah, they fuck, they get dinner, they end up in that trope-y situation where it's months later and they realize that they're not actually casually fucking or even "friends with benefits." They're actually, like, fucking dating. "In a relationship," sorta thing. Like, who knew? Who fucking knew that Wade would be such a lucky asshat?

 

(ALSO, PETER, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW YOU WERE SPIDER-MAN BEFORE YOU NEARLY GOT KILLED BY THAT GIANT SEWARD LIZARD!! FOREVER UNFORGIVEN. YOU ARE ON SANTA DEADPOOL'S NAUGHTY LIST FROM HERE TO KINGDOM COME, BABY BOY!!! (On the other hand, thank fucking GOD you survived. Expect many "yay!! You survived" blow jobs in the near future. (But still forever dubbed "Unforgiven." Angry face.)))

 

<3 <3 <3 Deadpool