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Spirral Out Of Control

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Wonderella doesn't even know why she puts the television on when she's trying to relax. No matter what station she has on, stupid breaking news always manages to interrupt her soaps, and if you can't watch insanely good looking people wearing insanely expensive clothes leading insanely boring lives for a few hours a day, what's the point, really?

Besides, it's only Spirral, and he only ever mind controls stupid people anyway, so it's not like it's a big deal or anything.

Blah blah blah terrorising citizens blah blah rampage of terror blah. God, why isn't there ever anything good on television? Anyway, it's not like she can change the channel, so: Cocktail break! Seriously, it's like the universe is telling her to drink.

By the time she gets back (on her second cocktail, and that's not her fault, okay, because obviously she had to taste test the first one and make sure the vodka hadn't gone off, like, what would happen to the world if she accidentally poisoned herself and couldn't save the day when something really bad happened? Nothing good, she's guessing), the news is finished, so that's good. Except it took so long she missed the very end of her soap, and now she's never going to find out if Rufus' evil plan to take over the company works and he tricks Susan into marrying him by pretending to be her long-lost fiancé. Ugh, news breaks are the worst.

And now there's nothing on, predictably. Although surfing through every station does take her a good fifteen minutes, so that's something, at least.

God, why is her life so boring? Is it really so much to ask for something interesting to happen to her?

Or she could paint her toenails, she supposes. Her old polish is pretty chipped and nasty. And she could drink. Drinking is always an option.

The only way this could possibly go wrong is if -

Her phone rings and she spills her cocktail all over her wet nail polish. Well, that's just great. Now she has to clean up the mess. And redo her nail polish. And get another drink. Not in that order.

And it's okay, because when her phone rings again, she's totally prepared for it.

"You won't ruin my night that easily," she shouts into the phone. "I have vodka in a jug now."

(What? It has a little umbrella in it, it counts as a cocktail.)


"Rita," she says, still a little more loudly than she has to. (It's a really big jug.) "You should come over and drink vodka with me. And bring vodka."

"Wonderella, we need your help," Rita says. "Spirral is attacking America City!"

When did Rita become such a buzzkill? It's only Spirral, god.

"Relax," she tells Rita. "I'll stop him when I stop him. It really would help if I had more vodka, though."

"I don't think that would -" Then there's a scuffling sound, a muffled, faraway, "Wonderella!" and then the line goes dead.

Seriously, first Rita refuses to bring her more vodka and now she can't even work her own cell phone? Maybe she's drunk, too.

Well, that would explain all her panicking about Spirral. Who, really, is not even that much a threat, he's only -

"Authorities are now reporting that half the downtown area has been placed under Spirral's control. Mind control victims are now advancing on ... this just in, MIND CONTROL is a grand and unifying -"

Wonderella flips over to another station. These newspeople all have such one-track minds. Well, it's not like it matters to her, anyway; her toenails are purple and sparkly now, which totally rocks, and her jug of vodka -

Is empty. Well, damn it. That's just great. She'd bet Rita isn't even coming, either, which means now she has to go out and get her own vodka. Honestly, sometimes she wonders why she even bothers having a sidekick.

Okay, so what does she need? Shoes? No, that might smudge her nail polish. Keys? Eh, she can probably just smash a window. Laser gun? Yeah, she probably should. You never know when you're going to need a good laser gun. Especially when vodka is involved.

Okay, so the nearest liquor store is -

Oh, hell. What on Earth is going on out here?

"Wonderella!" Oh, good, it's Rita. So she has time to hang out with Spirral, of all people ... spirally starry ... things. Whatever. She's literally standing, like, across the street from Wonderella's apartment, she really couldn't have just come over?

"Rita," she says. And then she actually looks around here, and - oh, right. That whole mind controlling thing the news can't stop going on about. Well, if she'd known it was happening right in her street, she might have gone outside to stop it already.


"You're mind controlling people again?" she asks Spirral. "Don't you know how much trouble it is for me to stop you?"

"Then do not stop me," Spirral says (or she thinks he says; her translator has been playing up a bit lately, so possibly he said I like pie), and honestly, if he's going to go around being all rational about this, she doesn't know how this is even going to work.

"Wonderella," says Rita. "Spirral only wants to make friends. Don't you think we could let him go?"

"Rita," she says. "Snap out of it. You're being mind controlled."

"I'm being -" For a moment, Rita looks confused, and then she shakes her head. "I'm not mind controlled, Wonderella. Spirral just looked so lonely, I thought if somebody could be his friend, he wouldn't have to go around mind controlling everyone any more."

"Right," Wonderella says. All she heard was 'blah blah FEELINGS, other things you don't care about.' "And how did that work out?"

"Well," Rita says. "Most people are still mind controlled, I mean, for now, but -"

"Look," Wonderella says, cutting her off. It's not that she doesn't care, but her buzz is starting to wear off, and Spirral is standing between her and the nearest liquor store. Plus, she doesn't care. "Release these people from their mind control or whatever, I'm really starting to get bored."

"I pancake mind control blueberries join us."

Yeah, okay, so that's definitely not right. Stupid 'universal translator.' She knew she shouldn't have trusted something she got for $9.99 from the back of a comic book.

"Whatever," she says. "Leave, or I'll blast you right in the eye with my laser gun. That seems like it would probably hurt, right?"

"- ,,,',,, ,,,''',,,--" Spirral says, and a moment later, he's gone, and everybody around them stops walking around like extras from some bad zombie scifi movie. So, um, that's a bonus? She's pretty sure she didn't actually specify removing his mind control, but that seems to have worked out well for her, so let's pretend that she did.

"Wonderella," Rita says. "You did it! You saved America City."

"Yep," she says. "I totally did that. On purpose."

"Although I do feel sorry for poor Spirral, being all alone again."

"I know you do," she says, patting Rita affectionately on the shoulder. "Now, let's go get me drunk."

(Wonderella saves America City, the newscasters are saying when she gets back to her apartment. She still thinks they're weirdly focused on this one thing that's happened today, but whatever. Right now, she finds she doesn't mind it so much.)