The ringtone was the theme from Schindler's List, which meant Dana had a grimace when she picked up the phone.
"All right, look, let's make it quick. Do you know where Wonderita's at? I'm not saying I'm going to kidnap her, I just... well... have a seminar? Look, this whole thing took a while to set up and I'm kind of working on a timer here all right?" Hitlerella sounded uptight. Though to be fair, that's pretty much how she always sounded.
"How should I know? That girl wanders off like it's her job. Someone else beat you to it? It's been a couple weeks since you dinguses pulled this."
"No, no, she's clear on the schedule."
"You guys have a schedule...?"
"Of course, Intelli-Ape put it together. Helps us avoid situations like thi.... Not the point! Shouldn't you be looking for her?"
"Girl, it is the Shark Week and my ass is not leaving this chair until I have gotten my fill of dumbass surfers getting eaten. And I'm not sure I can -ever- have my fill of that."
"Agh! Fine, you lazy idiot. Plan B!"
The line went dead immediately, which was just as well for Wonderella because the tense music was starting up on the TV. Dana pulled her blanket up closer and waited for the good part to start.
"Seriously, they keep scootin' out on the water on those lame little boards like the fiercest predator in the ocean isn't just gonna eat 'em up! It's the best. Hey, did you know that Shark teeth just grow back?"
"Yes, yes, everybody knows that. Have you honestly just been watching Shark Week the last three days? You know what, no, who cares. I have your sidekick Wonderella! If you ever want to see-"
"Oh cool, you found 'Rita. Where was she?"
"Umm... Not, uh, not that sidekick."
Hitlerella tried to sound intimidating, but it was fairly obvious her heart wasn't in it.
"That's right, Wonderella, I have Pajarro Pete! If you ever want to see him alive again, come to the-"
"Oh hells yes! That seal did not even -know- what hit it!"
"WOULD YOU TURN OFF THE TV?!"
"Look, if you haven't got Rita I don't really know what to tell you. I mean, really, Pete? That's pretty desperate for you. I mean, don't tell nobody, but uh... you've usually got your shit together."
"Ugh, thanks. I've actually been looking into some self help stuff on dealing with disappointment, you know? I mean, I was kind of built to destroy you and spending so many years not fulfilling your purpose... it takes its toll, you know?"
"So, yeah, I've been trying to work on not giving up too easily and trying to really bring my plans to fruition. I mean, you know what they say- When life gives you lemons and all that. Never cared for lemonade, comes from the Mediterranean after all, but the saying is sound."
Hitlerella's brow furrowed and she rolled her eyes exasperatedly.
"You're not even listening. I swear I will kill this penguin."
"Ooh, you gonna feed him to a shark?"
"Ugh, fine! If you're gonna be like that I'll just have to beat you at your own game. -I'll- find Wonderita."
"Oh HELL no! Ain't no villain of mine gonna out-rescue me on my own damn sidekick."
"Too late, I'm already at the door on my way to Dr. Shark's. Sorry, can't hear you, I'm too busy being better than you!"
The line went dead and Wonderella swung into action. By god that bitch would pay for trying to one-up -the- Wonderella.
As Hitlerella closed the door, a single tear rolled down the face of Pajarro Pete.
"Buenos Noches, sweet Justice," he whispered as the tiny hamster continued to run, dropping the angered and hungry looking tiger and his poisoned tipped claws ever closer.
"See, told you it was one of yours. And they've gotten Dr. Shark too!" Wonderella pounded her palm with her fist, "And when I catch up with that son of a bitch he's gonna pay."
Hitlerella and Wonderella stood outside the laboratory of Dr. Shark. The sign on the front simply read: "Be back in a week. Getting Warhammer. Oh, Wonderella- Wonderita says you'll forget, but she's with me."
Hitlerella pulled the sign from the door, flipping it over.
"Ah, here we go- 'I know something will come up, but unless it's world threatening you'll live until I get back. Probably even then. Still, here's the address.' All right, come on.”
The two grabbed a taxi across town to the address in question, pulling up in front of a small convention center with a banner out front proclaiming, "Welcome Warhammer Lovers!".
"Must be some kind of weapons convention. Weird I didn't hear about it," Wonderella mused. "Wait, I can punch through walls, what do I need a stupid hammer for?"
Hitlerella cleared her throat while pointing at the clearly ethnic cab driver. "Are you gonna pay the man or what?"
"When did you become Miss Stickler for the rules? You see pockets in this damn thing? Besides I left in a hurry to beat you to Doctor Shark's."
"Are you kidding me? You showed up eating a 7-11 burrito!"
"I WAS HUNGRY! Besides, those things cost, like, 13 cents. Plus, the guy owed me one for something or other. Not protection money, so don't even imply it."
Hitlerella grumbled and threw a $20 at the cab driver, refusing to acknowledge him beyond that as the car pulled away. The two made their way into the building, stopping inside the entrance to scan the area.
"All right, I'm gonna go find my Rita. Feel free to hang out here and eat a bag of dicks, or whatever it is you do with your free time."
"Oh screw you." Hitlerella flipped Wonderella off, before her eyes widened. "Never mind, I win. There she is."
"Oh god dammit!" Wonderella followed Hitlerella's pointing finger, finding Wonderita sitting at a table across from Jokerella. The two approached the table, Wonderella standing imposingly with her arms crossed over her chest.
"So, Jokerella! It was -you- who kidnapped Wonderita?!" Wonderella glared at Jokerella.
"Really dear, I know you're excitable but we've got the schedule for a reason." Hitlerella wasn't as glaring, but she was still obviously put-out.
Jokerella could only vacantly reply "Huh?"
"Oh hey, Wonderella! Didn't think you'd come here. Did something come up?" Wonderita smiled at Wonderella momentarily before diverting her attention back to the table she was at. On the table were a number of small figurines that looked like the various super heroes and villains of the world. They were arrayed across some kind of mock battlefield. Queen Beetle and Lady Liberty lay on their sides at Wonderita's end of the table while The Living Orchid and Killroy lay dead on Jokerella's. The only figures left on the battlefield were Hitlerella, Jokerella and Wonderella.
"What in the nerdy damn hells are you doing Rita-girl?"
"It's a new miniatures game! Jokerella's endorsing it, so I'm trying it out."
"It's your move, Rita," Jokerella stated, turning her attentions back to the game.
"Okay, can I use the wonder-tiara?" Rita asked, looking at some kind of rule sheet.
"I think it's still on cool-down," Jokerella chided.
"I am so very glad I didn't waste my time today. No, I could have been working on a death machine today but that would have sucked. No, no, far better to kidnap a sidekick! *sigh* Think positive, think positive." Hitlerella rubbed her temples.
"I'm with uptight over there, what the balls is this all about?"
"Okay, Hitlerella uses her Hitler Beam. that's 9 damage. I win!" Jokerella practically crowed, so proud of herself.
"Dang!" Rita knocked over the tiny Wonderella, crestfallen at her defeat. Wonderella's jaw dropped.
"You know what. Good enough. I'll just take the expression on your face as a victory. See? Positive thinking. Lemonade, not letting my plans get ruined, et cetera. You should look into it, might help you cope with being so crap. Later losers. I'm gonna go see if I can't get my money back from that cabbie." Hitlerella turned and walked out of the building, already hearing the start of a world class tantrum. She walked out past Dr. Shark, being manhandled by security, yelling about inaccuracies.
“Lemonade,” she thought. “Lemonade.”
The next week (Or “B Stories”):
Otaku ReRun Nightmare :
‘Hey Ritagirl, been hanging around long?’ Wonderella wandered into Hitlerella’s lair, a shopping bag slapping against her thigh. ‘Rita, what the crap is that?!’
Rita and and Hitlerella paused the video, turning to look at her with raised eyebrows. On the screen frozen in place was a blurry shot of an overly-large eyed, naked Wonderella.
‘I believe they call it a ‘transformation sequence’ or something of that nature,’ Hitlerella held up her fingers to bunny quote.
‘Otherwise known as fan service,’ Rita chirped from her place tied to the wall.
‘Oh like hell it is,’ Wonderella stalked over to the big screen, glaring at it. ‘Wait, holy crap this is that anime I agreed to years ago?’
‘Yeah it finally got an english dub and you’ll never guess who they got to do my voice!’ Rita waved her finger tips at her.
‘Morgan Freeman,’ Wonderella shot back, sticking her foot through the screen.
‘Hey, I actually paid for that,’ Hitlerella waved a gun at her.
‘Well this just reminds us that you’re a crap super villain doesn’t it?’ Wonderella hoisted Rita over her shoulder and stalked off.
‘Whee!’ Rita smiled at Hitlerella from her upside down position. ‘I’ll see you next week!’
‘Yes, sure right,’ Hitlerella mumbled. ‘Where did I keep those insurance forms?’
‘So are you going to be on the con circuit?’ Queen Beetle sipped her drink as an advertisement for the Wonderella anime came on.
‘Do I get paid for it?’ Wonderella asked, downing her microbrew.
‘If you’re on the voice acting list you can be paid for appearances, yes.’
‘Wait, the damn thing is based on my life, why wouldn’t I get a cut of that?’ Wonderella eyed the screen with disdain. ‘I mean look at all that crap I do on a day-to-day basis.’
‘So you do a ‘magical transformation’?’ Queen Beetle held up her fingers.