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Ding Dong Research

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Derek could feel Stiles staring at the back of his neck even before he turned around. He knew it was Stiles before the boy even made a sound. There was just something about his presence that was so obviously him.
“What?” Derek snarled. His fist connected with the punching bag. He was so very much not in the mood for this.

“Oh, nothing,” Stiles smirked. He sauntered over to the big sofa, letting his schoolbag drop on the ground.

Derek rolled his eyes and continued beating the defenseless punching bag.
After a little while the staring became too much.
“What do you want, Stiles?” Derek turned around to face him, his cheeks flushed with anger and annoyance.

“I have a question,” Stiles said, eyes gleaming with mischief, “today at biology we discussed anatomy.”

“Yes? So?”

“So, we discussed both the human body and that of several other mammals, like dogs.”

Derek frowned and glared at Stiles suspiciously. He had a feeling this conversation would quickly head down a path he wasn’t all that comfortable with.
“Wonderful. Good to know your school is teaching you about the birds and bees, as it were. What is your question?”

“You are a werewolf, right?”


“Which means that you’re both human and wolf,” Stiles went on, examining his fingernails in mock innocence, “which is close enough to a dog, I suppose-“

Derek groaned and started to walk away from the conversation when Stiles finally asked the question he wanted to ask.

“So what does your penis look like?”

Derek froze in his steps. Just… plain stopped moving.
Stiles, a dirt eating grin on his face, leaned on the back of the sofa.


“You want to know what my… penis looks like?” Derek managed to say, his face a careful wooden mask.

“Yep. Your cock, dick,-“

Derek winced with every word Stiles uttered, trying to maintain a cool attitude at all times.
“Stiles, I’m not going to-“

“length, manhood, member, shaft-“ the boy went on, counting along on his fingers.

“Jesus, Stiles, enough-“

“groin, penis, phallus-“

This was starting to get ridiculous. Derek growled, audible enough for Stiles to hear. Sadly, this didn’t seem to deter him.

“Derek Jr., dong, junk, knob, prick, rod, tool, wand, wood-“

“One more word out of you and I swear I’ll rip your throat out.”
Derek flashed his eyes and let his canines lengthen just a little bit. This finally seemed to do the trick.

“Fine. Deprive me of my fun,” Stiles sunk back on the sofa.

“You are a horrible human being, you know that?” Derek shook his head and continued his journey to the shower.

“Am not!” Stiles called after him, “And you still haven’t told me what your baby-maker looks like!”

Derek managed to ignore Stiles and after a few minutes he could finally enjoy a hot shower. He let the warm water relax his tense muscles, something that was always welcomed after talking to Stiles for a prolonged period of time.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Stiles’ voice from way too close, “Dude, all I want to know is whether or not your trouser snake looks even remotely human and-“

To Derek’s dismay he saw the curtain be twitched to the side a bit and a chocolate brown eye appeared, apparently trying to take a peek.
“STILES!” Derek roared, at the same time hiding everything that needed to be hidden with both hands.

“It’s for science!” Stiles yelled as he fled the bathroom in a hurry.

A little while later Derek finished his shower and returned to the livingroom. Stiles was long gone by then, probably not wanting to wait for Derek to murder him.
Derek grabbed a cold bottle of beer from the fridge and let himself fall on the couch.
That’s when a note on the table caught his eye. It was in Stiles’ handwriting.

“Okay, dude, now I know what your meter long king kong dong (seriously, wow) looks like (in human form at least, I’ll find out the werewolf one in a later stage). My next research will be to find out what it tastes like. Let the games begin!”