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How Loki Became a Parent (Thrice, and Then One More Time)

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It was fucking cold.

That was the first thing Loki noticed, and he was a gods-damned frost giant .

And, of course, Loki blamed Thor and his stupid ideas for his freezing Jotun ass.

“Oh, Loki, I have an idea! Why don’t you go down to Midgard and learn about the place,” Loki said mockingly, lowering his voice by a helluva lot. “Learn about the mortals and their morals! Maybe then you’ll realize what you’ve done is wrong!”

Voice once again normal, he carried on, spite lacing his voice. “FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR STUPID IDEAS, THOR!”

Thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed. Which was odd, considering it was a perfectly clear night in the middle of fucking nowhere .

“Stupid God of Thunder and stupid ability to know when someone fucking calls on his name.” Loki grumbled, kicking at a leaf in front of him.

He didn’t know what to do. Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between/outside, Loki, God of Mischief and Lies, is fucking clueless.

To be fair though, there wasn’t much Loki could do. I mean, he tried to take over the planet and led an alien invasion that almost wiped Manhattan off the map, so it’s not like he could just go to some random hotel. Oh, yeah, hi, it’s me, Loki, you know, the crazy god who tried to make himself king of this stupid fucking rock? I need a room for an indefinite period of time, thanks.

“Well,” Loki sighed to himself, “I could always go to Stark’s.”

That is, assuming his tower was still there. And assuming that he didn’t get noticed before then. And assuming that Widow woman didn’t kill him on sight.

Ok, this is gonna be hard.

And then, to make matters worse, Loki tripped. He fucking tripped , over a fucking branch . And he fell into a hole .

Uh , Loki thought after about a minute of falling, shouldn’t I have landed yet? Oh, god, this is like that one Midgardian tale Thor wouldn’t shut up about, the one with the stupid girl who thought it would be a good idea to follow a fucking rabbit.

It was then Loki landed. Hard. On the bare ground.

“Oh, come on,” Loki groaned. “This is payback, isn’t it? You flirt with a Norn once , forget about her, and then she makes your life shit. This is my punishment, isn’t it? WELL IT WAS JUST FLIRTING, LADY! IT MEANT NOTHING!”

A rock landed on his head.

“FUCK!”

“Who’sss there?” A hissing voice questioned. Was that snakeish? It was snakeish.

“Loki,” came his response. (Which was also in snakeish, just in case you were wondering. )

“What are you doing here, Loki?”

“I fell,” came his simple reply. “How elssse would I have gotten here?”

“I don’t know,” the voice replied. “Magic?”

“Nope,” Loki replied. “I couldn’t have gotten here with magic. I had no idea how deep thisss hole wasss.” He paused. “Well, until I hit the bottom. What’sss your name?”

“Jormungandr.”

Oh fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. He was stuck in a hole with the fucking Midgard serpent.

“Oh,” Loki squeaked.

“Hey,” Jormungandr started. “Have you ssseen my mom?”

“What? No.”

“Huh,” Jorma--Jormund-- Fuck it, Jorm said blankly. “Ssshe’sss been gone for a while.”

“How old even are you?”

“Like, two hundred.”

“Okay,” Loki said, turning so that he was laying on his back rather than his chest, “Let me get thisss ssstraight. You’re the Midgardian Ssserpent, correct?”

“Yesss,”

“And you’re only two hundred?”

“Yesss.”

“Okay then,” Loki said, completely done. “That’sss cool, I guessssss.”

There were a few minutes of silence. Loki was just looking up, staring at the barely-visible stars twinkling overhead, whilst Jorm was contemplating something. What was that something the snake was contemplating? Calm your impatient ass down and you’ll see. Jesus.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Si--

“Hey, I know!” Jorm said, sounding unreasonably chipper, given the circumstances. “You can be my new mother!”

“Father, right now,” Loki corrected automatically. Then, he realized what he just said. “Wait, n--”

“Okay! You can be my father!”

“I really don’t think--”

“Come on, father! Let’sss get out of here.”

“You can leave?” Loki blanched.

“Yeah,” Jorm would have shrugged. You know. If he had shoulders. “I was jussst waiting for my mom to come back. I don’t think ssshe is though, and I’ve known that for a while.”

“Then why haven’t you left yet?”

“...I didn’t want to be alone up there. Before ssshe left, my mother told me talesss of ruthlessssss sssky-godsss, Thor and Odin, who would kill anything they pleasssed.”

“Well,” Loki started. “You’re not wrong about Odin. Thor, however-- I cannot deny he wasss once like that, though he isss much changed.”

“You know them?” Jorm asssked-- I mean, asked -- voice now somewhat hesitant.

“You could sssay that.” A pause. “I mean, I grew up with Thor. He’sss my adopted…. brother, I guessssssss. And Odin’sss the one who adopted me, though he’sss pretty much an assssssshole.”

“You’re not sssupposssed to  ssswear in front of me.” Jorm reminded his new father passssssively. “Sssetsss a bad example.”

“Do I honesssstly look like I give a fuck?”

“No.”

“Good. Becaussse I don’t. Now, what were you sssaying about getting out of here?”