Actions

Work Header

10 Ways to Defrost Your Vampire Boyfriend

Work Text:

1. With a hairdryer. Pros - you get to style his hair at the same time: goodbye helmet hair! Cons - your hair dryer overheats and blows a fuse. That was a GHD!

2. Good old fashioned blankets. Just go ahead and wrap him up like a burrito.

3. Central heating! Crank the thermostat up to 70, electricity bills be damned. Is he supposed to be steaming like that?

4. Nothing warms you up like a little ball of fluff with a loud purr. The one problem is, kittens get weirdly ticked off if you try and stuff them into a sleeping bag with an ice cold dead guy. That one scratch on your knuckle is gonna need some iodine.

5. Pocket warmers. Undead sperm don’t swim anyway, so don’t be shy about warming up the goodies first. He’ll thank you later.

6. Vampires roasting on an open fire. Just kidding. But seriously, what could be more romantic than snuggling up to your man-shaped block of ice in front of a cozy, log fire? Just watch out for sparks or your evening could literally go up in flames.

7. A warm bath. You probably should avoid putting him into really hot water when he’s all iced up because we’re not sure if you’ll end up with a hot-water-on-a-frosty-windshield kinda deal and no one wants chunks of shattered vampsicle in the tub. With a little bit of TLC, lukewarm water and a gradually raised temperature should do the trick. Not for the impatient types among you, but sometimes in life, it helps to stop and smell the roses. Or, in this case, to check out that deep freeze muscle definition. That boy is cut.

8. Skin to skin contact. We waited ’til number eight because we wanted you to think we’re classy. We’re not. It was a lie. Get yourselves naked and abandon the concept of personal space. You’ll probably get freezer burn on your nipples but it’ll totally be worth it.

9. Lick him all over. Goes great with number eight. Downside - your tongue might stick to his abs like that time you licked a stop sign back in 5th grade. But let’s be real - having your tongue stuck to this guy is the opposite of a problem.

10. Friction. You know when your hands are cold and you rub them together to get warm? You should do that. But, like, with your entire bodies.