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Speak Not, The Illusion Remains

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Castiel watched his phone as it buzzed across his desk. He knew he should answer it but he was a bit apprehensive to say the least. Last night had been, well awkward really. First times should not involve enough alcohol to stock a liquor store and yet that’s exactly what happened. He and Dean had only been dating a month and he was sure he ruined it.

Fingers grasping too tight, on the wrong side of that line between pain and pleasure. Teeth clacking in a painful, sloppy kiss. Hasty prep.

Castiel’s head dropped into his hands as his phone stopped buzzing again. God he ruined everything. Why did Dean want him to top anyway when he knew Castiel had gone that far with anyone before? Why had he agreed with Dean that it was a good idea when he couldn’t even walk straight? He was going to lose Dean before they had really started.

Castiel groaned, banging his head slightly against his desk when his phone started buzzing again. He was in no hurry to hear Dean break up with him. Maybe, just maybe he could put it off a little while longer. Maybe if he hid for a week, Dean would forget about the awful sex they had last night and forgive him? Castiel has never been that lucky.

“Are you going to answer that?” Castiel’s head rose slowly from his desk, eyes wide as he took in the man, standing at his door. No. No. No. No. He wanted more time. This couldn’t be happening to him. Why was this happening to him?

“Dean…” He winced at the whine in his voice. He was really in top form today.

“Is there a reason you’re ignoring me Cas?” Dean asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

“No! I… I just…” Cas didn’t know how to finish his sentence because the truth was glaringly obvious; he had been ignoring Dean. He had been avoiding the break up that was about to happen. Of course, he should have taken Dean’s complete stubbornness into account.

A long moan. Dean gasping his name. “Just do it already Cas. I’m ready.”

“So if you’re not ignoring me, why haven’t you answered any of my calls since this morning?” Damn Dean and his smug face after asking stupidly, obvious questions. Why isn’t he putting him out of his misery? Why is he torturing him?

“Are you going to answer me Cas? Or are we pretending you aren’t being an asshole right?”

Castiel groan, placing his head in hands. His mind still running a steady mantra of why and no in an unending loop. He can only mumble in response to Dean’s questions; too afraid to speak his fears aloud and give them life and meaning.

A groan. “Cas, that kind of hurts.” A hiss of pain. Hands pushing at his shoulders before he can even finish the first thrust. Being pushed on the floor. A small amount of blood on the sheets.

Fingers snapping in his face brings him back to the moment. He’s so stupid for thinking he could prolong this. He looks up at Dean, staring at his impassive face and barely catching a glimpse of worry in his eyes. Why would Dean be worried?

“I was ignoring,” Castiel started. He took a fortifying breath as Dean made a gesture as if to encourage him to continue. “I was ignoring you in hopes of delaying this.”

“What exactly is ‘this’ that you were trying to avoid, Cas?”

“You breaking up with me,” he mumbled, unable to speak the words any louder.

“What makes you think I’m breaking up with you?” Dean asked, his face showing his complete confusion.

“You mean you’re not breaking up with me?”

“No, I’m not. Unless… you want me to?” It was obvious to Castiel that Dean was still confused though Castiel wasn’t sure why. It seemed like the logical next step after the debacle that was their attempt at having sex last night.

“I thought…”

“Thought what exactly Cas?”

“I thought you’d hate me after last night.” There he was mumbling again. Christ he wasn’t normally like this. Had bad sex really screwed his head up this much?

 Suddenly he had a lapful of Dean and he wasn’t quite sure what was happening.

“You’re a moron.” He had not response to that other than to sputter nonsensically as Dean continued on. “Last night, wasn’t our finest moment. We really shouldn’t have drank so much but I’m not going to let one awkward…”

“Awkward, painful, humiliating…”

“Stop interrupting me Cas! Now where was I?

“Awkward.”

“Yes, awkward. It was awkward and not how I envisioned our first time together. But that was both of our faults. Not just yours. I distinctly remember begging you to your dick…”

“Dean!”

“Dick Cas! Dick!” God Dean was such a child sometimes. Why did he love him again?

Soft lips were on his, derailing his train of thought. It was a sweet kiss. Loving even. There was no heat or urgency in it. It wasn’t meant to arouse. It was to convey a feeling of joy, happiness, and a different kind need.

“Look Cas, we’ve wasted a lot of time together with the pining and the ‘He doesn’t feel the same as me’ crap we’ve pulled over the years. We both messed up and we’ve learned from our mistakes. So stop feeling guilty about this. Please?”

Castiel’s only answer was to kiss Dean again. Dean sighed into the kiss and he knew that everything was going to be okay for now.

“I love you Dean.”

“Chick flick moment is over Cas.”

Castiel smiled, the I love you too ringing clearly in his mind.