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In Which Eridan is the Worst and Karkat Suffers as a Result of His Incompetence

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Karkat was horny. This was nothing unusual for him, he was horny three out of four fucking weeks of every perigee. It was one of the many “joys” of being a fucking useless mutantblood and Karkat was pissed. Which was not all that surprising. A near-constant state of sexual frustration would wear down anyone’s nerves.

It didn’t help that there were currently several trolls crashing in his hive playing video games and trying his admittedly limited patience for houseguests. Of course, even that would’ve been fine if it hadn’t been for Eridan fucking Ampora, aka “gods gift to lowwbloods evverywwhere”. The little shit had, of course, decided to invite himself over knowing full well that Sollux had already invited himself over and had taken it upon himself to invite Feferi as well. Eridan had proceeded to spend the majority of the evening making sad eyes at Feferi, his lingering flushcrush for her so painfully obvious it didn’t even make for good rom-com material, and Karkat was an excellent judge of romcom material.

Sollux was coming off his week-and-a-half-long heat. There were still a few pheromones floating around the room, and they were driving Karkat crazy, even though Sollux had insisted that his cycle wouldn’t be a problem. Well he could have fooled Karkat, what with the way he was practically crawling all over Feferi and defiling Karkat’s one and only couch to the point that he didn’t think he could comfortably sit on it without being painfully aware of the entirely-too-intimate-for-polite-company interactions that had occurred there. He would actually really like to see it burn, but he couldn’t afford to buy new furniture, especially after he’d destroyed his recuperacoon in a fit of rage less than a sweep ago. Eridan seemed about as uncomfortable as Karkat felt, earfins all droopy, with sad mopey eyes and a bottom lip that quivered like it was being threatened by an enormous clawbeast.

So basically it was a typical Friday evening. Karkat sighed, staring in dismay at the discarded video game controllers and doing his best to avoid looking anywhere near the vicinity of the couch. “So if we’re not going to play another round, I’d like to fucking sleep.”

“I’d like to fuckin’ puke,” Eridan muttered under his breath. “It’s disgustin’.”

Karkat wasn’t sure if he meant the game or the ghastly display on the couch, but Sollux, never one to back down from an insult, perceived or otherwise, managed to peel his face away from Feferi’s long enough to say something suitably sarcastic in response. Karkat wasn’t really paying attention, especially since Sollux’s lisp tended to give him a headache on his best days and he was definitely not having one of his best days.    

Eridan said something prissy and likely hemophobic back. Before Karkat quite realized what was happening, Sollux’s psionics had Eridan pinned to Karkat’s wall and Eridan’s horns had put holes in his one good wall and Sollux was going to pay for that, or Eridan was, because he did not sign up for this shit. Eridan was half-shouting, half-choking around psionics, Feferi was tugging on Sollux’s arm, and Karkat felt his rage reach a boiling point.

“ENOUGH!” he shouted, “SOLLUX, THERE WILL BE NO CULLING IN MY FUCKING HIVE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, YOU FUCKING SACK OF DISEASED HOOFBEAST BULGES?”  Karkat marched over, poking Sollux in the chest and getting right in his face. Sollux still looked pissed, trying to stare through Karkat to where Eridan remained pinned to the wall.

“AND YOU!” Karkat whirled around, violently pointing a finger at Eridan, who was unsuccessfully clutching at the invisible psionics compressing his wind chute. “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN COME INTO MY HIVE AND SAY STUPID SHIT? WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE? YOU ARE MY FUCKING GUEST, THAT’S WHO YOU ARE. AND MY GUESTS DO NOT INSULT MY FRIENDS.” Eridan whined petulantly, looking more upset at his current predicament than repentant of his previous behavior. Karkat chose to move on, turning to Feferi. “AND YOU!”

Feferi had the good sense to look chagrined.


Sollux had the decency to look contrite at this point, muttering a low “thorry” under his breath and dropping Eridan, who hit the floor hard. The violet blooded sea troll clutched at his neck, gasping air dramatically as if he wasn’t used to holding his breath for a mere thirty seconds. Karkat scowled, pointing to the door. “OUT. ALL OF YOU.” Sollux and Feferi practically tripped over each other in their haste to escape Karkat’s wrath. Eridan, meanwhile, continued to languish on the floor, scratch marks trailing down the wall from the holes his horns had made less than a minute earlier. That was going to be a fucking pain to fix. Sollux owed Karkat for this one. So did Eridan, for that matter. Who even lets their horns scrape against someone else’s wall? Was it really that hard to tilt your head forward before falling?

Karkat turned his scowl on Eridan, who was performing less of a languish and more of a sheepish sprawl at this point. “WELL?”

The left side of Eridan’s mouth turned up slightly, but his bottom lip trembled and his earfins were drooping miserably. “I...cod, Kar, I was a royal fuckin’ ass, an’ I’m sorry,” he said weakly, rolling onto his side. “I’ll -” Eridan’s voice suddenly cut off, squeaking, “shit,” he said suddenly, fingers scrabbling for purchase on the wall as he pulled himself up, nearly colliding with Karkat. “ Shit ,” he repeated,  stumbling backwards, he turned and tottered in the opposite direction of the door , down the hall that lead to Karkat’s respite and ablution blocks..  

“IF YOU GET SICK ON MY CARPET I’LL GET SICK ON YOU,” Karkat shouted after Eridan. The seadweller ignored him, tearing into the hallway, wrenching open the first door he saw, and slamming it shut behind himself.

The lock clicked a moment later.


No! ” Eridan’s voice sounded weakly through the door.

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?” Karkat roared back. “GET. OUT.”



No! ” Eridan wailed back through the door.

“IS THAT ALL YOU CAN FUCKING SAY?” Karkat kicked the door.  



Please go away," Eridan pleaded.


Please Kar,” Eridan insisted, pressed against the other side of the door, face flushed, bloodpusher beating rapidly, “ don’t.” He turned around, back pressed against the door, and slid to the floor, his head tilting back against the door. Adamantly ignoring the heat pooling in his abdomen, Eridan clenched his fists, nails digging into the soft flesh of his palms. You’re a fuckin’ idiot, Ampora. You knew your heat was due this perigee, you fuckin’ knew it an’ you still went out an’ now Kar’s gonna pay for your stupid mistake.

Eridan allowed his eyes to flutter shut, stifling a groan as he felt his bulge begin to unsheath. This was bad, this was really bad, Kar was just outside and if he got in, Eridan wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself. Sure, he was okay around Feferi, but he generally just locked himself away for the eleven-or-so days that his heat usually took to run its course so that his pheromones wouldn’t garner any unwelcome attention. This. This was unwelcome attention. Karkat was still screaming on the other side of the door, but Eridan had long since stopped paying attention to him and was instead doing his best to ignore the slick wetness currently staining the crotch of what used to be his favorite pair of pants. If he was being honest with himself, the pants were also beginning to feel a bit tight, but he drew the line at stripping down in Karkat’s respiteblock. He did have some decency, after all.

Eridan’s eyes flew open when he felt the door shudder with the force of something (someone?) running into it. “Kar, don’t!” he called through the door, system flooding with a sudden panic at the thought that he might actually be able to get in. Once the lowblood got in, there was no telling what would happen.

Eridan scrambled away from the door, wincing at the tightness of his pants as he did so, wondering how he hadn’t seen the signs sooner. His heat didn’t normally come on so fast. Maybe he’d been too distracted by the yellowblood and Fef to notice the steady increase in pheromone production. Usually he could start to smell himself at least a few hours before it got really bad , but this time he hadn’t even noticed until he’d choked fresh air into his lungs after the psionics had nearly strangled him. Something hit the door again, Eridan flinched at the noise, looking for another way out of Kar’s respiteblock to no avail. The only way out was through the door Karkat was currently attempting to break down.  

Karkat. The warm heat in his abdomen flared again, and Eridan bit his lip hard, fighting to keep a level head. No, no, no, this was so many levels of wrong that he didn’t know where to begin. First of all, he was flushed for Feferi . Besides, Kar was a lowblood, which presented a problem on multiple levels. First, it meant that when Eridan was in heat, Karkat would be driven into a frenzy by the sheer strength of the violet blooded troll’s pheromones. Second, Eridan himself didn’t have much control over his baser urges while he was fertile. Having two trolls fall prey to their mating instincts was a really great way to have a really bad time, and Eridan didn’t want to fuck up the one friendship he’d managed to hold on to in the last nine and a half sweeps.

The door bowed, making a dull creaking noise as it did so.

“Fuck,” Eridan hissed under his breath, scooting until he hit the wall before backing himself into the corner of the room, eyes glued to the door. Eridan curled up into a ball, as if making himself smaller would somehow make his pheromones less potent.

A moment later, the door clattered to the floor, a winded Karkat standing where the door had been, a look of pure fury plastered across his face. “YOU FUCKING… bulge...sucking…” Karkat blinked hard. “...shit,” he said faintly, “are you…?”

“Go away,” Eridan said miserably, knowing it was already too late for that.

“I...uh…” Karkat looked dazed, taking a small step forward. “Wow.”

Eridan hissed, earfins fanning out on either side, baring his teeth in a threat display that should have properly cowed the lowblood, were he in his right mind. Except that he wasn’t. So it didn’t. “STAY. BACK,” Eridan repeated, the command coming out harsher than he’d intended.

It had the opposite effect, causing Karkat to shudder, eyes fluttering almost-closed, a keening chirr warbling low in his throat.

Eridan whined, his bulge straining to escape, his whole body responding to the sound Karkat was making. “Fuck,” he hissed, clutching at his hair and tugging hard,  closing his eyes and trying to focus on the pain instead of something...else.

“Fuck,” Karkat said in the same moment, the sea troll’s voice going straight to his bulge. He felt hot, too hot, like he was burning up. His bulge was half-unsheathed already and twitching in anticipation. Karkat tugged at his sweatshirt, peeling it over his head and tossing it aside.

Eridan’s eyes opened at the sound, and for a moment he couldn’t breathe, drinking in the sight of Karkat’s bare torso, his baggy sweatpants doing little to hide his writhing bulge.

Eridan felt his own body respond at the sight, and he clenched his teeth, drawing in a swift breath at his now excruciatingly tight pants.

Karkat shucked his sweatpants next, eyes glazed as he approached Eridan. At any other time Eridan would have appreciated the view, especially considering that wow Karkat could give Equius a run for his money and that was saying something because Eridan hadn’t exactly compared bulges but he’d had the chance to sneak a peek at one point and-

Eridan shook his head. Not the time, not the place , he told himself. “Kar,” he said, firmly, trying to get the troll’s attention, “think about what you’re doin’,” he pleaded.

Karkat ignored Eridan’s words, sinking to the floor and crawling on his hands and knees towards Eridan, one hand stretching out towards the sizeable bulge in Eridan’s trousers. The shorter troll was panting open-mouthed, practically salivating as he approached. The sight before Eridan made his breath hitch but he couldn’t let this continue, not if he wanted to maintain any semblance of control over himself. The seadweller tried in vain to move away from Karkat’s outstretched hand and a half-sob clawed its way out of his throat. It wasn’t fair, his pants were so fuckin tight.

Karkat moaned at the sound and Eridan, in a moment of weakness, let the smaller troll fumble with the button on his pants for a moment before Karkat was able to pop the button and unzip the offending article of clothing, his hand dipping down to withdraw Eridan’s massive, twisting bulge.

Eridan practically melted at the touch, air hissing through his teeth as his head canted backwards, eyes fluttering shut at the freedom, the sensation of another troll taking his bulge in their hands and tugging gently. He wanted to stay in that moment forever, but a small nagging thought at the back of his mind was screaming this isn’t right, Kar wouldn’t want this!

That voice was silenced momentarily when something warm and wet wrapped around the tip of his bulge. Eridan’s eyes flew open to take in the more than welcome sight of Karkat’s head between his thighs. The nubby-horned troll was slowly taking the slick purple bulge into his mouth, little by little. Eridan keened when Karkat used one hand to massage the base of his bulge, his other hand guiding the tip deeper into his hot, wet mouth. Eridan bucked his hips a little, losing himself to the sensation until a choking noise brought him back to reality.

A sudden panic clutched at Eridan’s chest and he pulled back, I choked him, I let him put his mouth on me, what am I doing? I need to stop this, Eridan’s mind was whirling, his bulge curling in his lap, seeking more warmth. Karkat was slowly climbing even closer to Eridan, eyes unseeing, his nook weeping with lubrication as he crawled up Eridan’s torso.

Their bulges tangled momentarily, then Eridan’s curled up towards Karkat’s supple nook. Eridan was panting, fighting for control, knowing that this was way too far and not sure how to walk away but knowing it was now or never. With a concerted effort, Eridan physically pushed Karkat backwards, clawing his way up the wall until he was standing upright. Karkat look baffled, but quickly moved towards Eridan again, a whine slowly building as he drew ever closer.

Eridan pushed past Karkat, almost tripping on the door as he fled, stumbling down the hall and into the next room, Kar’s ablution block. He locked the door behind himself and flicked on the water, peeling off his clothes and hoping that the pheromones’ effect on Karkat would fade quickly. He really didn’t want Karkat to break down the door again. Once undressed, Eridan ducked under the water, hissing at the heat of the water and trying unsuccessfully to will his arousal away. He rarely found the need to rub himself off, in fact he found it rather uncouth, however, this was a dire situation and Eridan felt he had no real choice in the matter. With a groan, Eridan tugged at his bulge, playing with its writhing length until he was ready to continue, guiding the tip carefully to the entrance of his nook. He was desperate, so despite his lack of preparation, he found his bulge sliding in quickly, resulting in some almost-painful stretching.  He hissed,  shifting his hips and pressing at the base of his bulge. He was never quite able to fully reach his seedflap when he did this, which meant he was unable to provide that last bit of needed pressure to fully release. He knew from experience if he could just keep his body and bulge moving in tandem, eventually, part of his bulge might brush up against his seedflap just long enough to generate a partial release - not a lot, just enough allow him to tuck his bulge back into his pants without any further damage to either the sensitive organ or the expensive outerwear.

Eridan moaned, hips bucking in a desperate attempt for his nook to gain purchase against his own bulge. He reached up with one hand, fondling the base of a horn while his other hand played with the gills along his ribcage, teasing the sensitive flaps with light touches from his sharp claws. He gasped, moaned, and cursed, but he couldn't fucking get off . The longer he strained to release, the more frantic his movements became, and he felt a sick sensation roiling in his abdomen, a frothing fury and insatiable need that frankly terrified him. The water had long since gone icy cold, no worse than the oceans he often traversed, but certainly far from comfortable. Choking out a half-sob, Eridan shut off the water and slid down the side of the ablution trap, gently withdrawing his throbbing bulge and curling it around his wrist. His left hand still curled lightly against his horn, he gently edged his right hand into his weeping nook, curling first one finger, quickly adding two, then three.

Before long he found himself wrist-deep in his own nook, his bulge crawling up his arm while he stretched and massaged the walls of his nook, sobbing in desperation, but he couldn't get the sensation he craved, his body was demanding a partner and fuck he'd never experienced a heat like this he’d always managed to get himself off before but this time he couldn't, he didn't know what had changed, but he knew he needed something more than he could do himself.

Outside, Karkat sank to his knees,pressing up against the door. His breath hitched as he heard the water stop running- was Eridan ready to come out? Karkat’s bulge throbbed at the thought and he laid a hand on the wall for support, straining to hear what was happening inside. Eridan made a noise then, a broken, needy wail and Karkat nearly lost himself at the sound. He needed to feel Eridan, that long, elegant bulge stuffed into his nook until it was overfull and straining to contain everything the sea troll had to give. Karkat twined his fingers around his bulge, not sure when he'd last had some well-deserved “alone time”. Everything seemed fuzzy, all that really mattered to Karkat were the sticky, wet noises coming from the ablution block, punctuated with the sea dweller’s stifled grunts, moans, and shrill whines.

Karkat rapped on the door, “Eridan?” he said, voice thick with desire, “Let me in?” he tried, face pressed up against the smooth surface, straining to hear everything that happened on the other side. Eridan moaned, a sound that went straight to Karkat’s groin, and then rumbled a throaty “ Go away, ” trilling on the ‘w’.

Karkat pressed even closer to the door, lips brushing the smooth surface as he spoke. “Eridan, please, ” he groaned, “I want you. I need you. Please.”

The noise Eridan made in response was somewhere between a sob and a moan. “Kar, please, you don't know what you want,” The sea troll said insistently, groaning. “ Just go,” he pleaded.

A small part of Karkat started to piece things together. “You… you don't want me?” he asked slowly, pulling away from the door suddenly, looking down at himself, for the first time really seeing the mess he’d made of himself, scarlet slick already staining his crotch, dripping on the floor. Of course he doesn't want you, Karkat thought despondently, He's fucking royalty and you're nothing but an ugly mutantblood.

Eridan lay sprawled in the ablution trap, both hands stuffed into his nook and it still wasn't enough. He was so lost in desperation he almost didn't hear Karkat’s words, which registered after several moments. “What? Kar, you're fuckin’ beautiful,” Eridan assured him, momentarily reminded of what he’d seen in Kar’s respiteblock. “You're not in your right mind now is all. You'll thank me later.”

Karkat could hear Eridan gasping and moaning as he did probably utterly lewd things to himself, and while Karkat knew that he usually despised such things, at the moment all he could do was imagine what might produce such exquisite sounds. He didn't care if he wasn't in his right mind. He wanted, needed Eridan, especially after hearing him just on the other side of the door. Whimpering, Karkat reached down, palming his oversensitive bulge, gently stroking and tugging at it before slowly feeding it into his own nook, almost sobbing at the sensation. He couldn't remember the last time he’d done this, normally he considered any act of this sort a sign of weakness which he spurned at all costs. But he was beyond caring, gasping and chirping shrilly as he stroked his horns while his bulge twisted and turned, filling him until he was almost full.

Karkat bucked his hips, beginning to feel frustrated. This usually worked, and since he was in heat more often than he was not, the thought of being unable to get off on his own was considerably upsetting. Was this a by-product of self-imposed celibacy? Had his bulge withered from disuse? Karkat’s gut churned and he felt frustrated, then desperate, then frantic as the time stretched on and he still couldn't seem to finish. “Eridan!” He wailed, turning to the side, his weight sagging against the door, bulge still undulating in his nook, “Eridan please,  I need this so bad, I can’t,” Karkat choked back a sob, “I can't do it alone.”

On the other side of the door, Karkat’s desperate, sex-laced words shot straight to Eridan’s bulge, the larger troll whimpering as he tried desperately to release the almost unbearable pressure steadily building within him. “Kar,” Eridan began, but he couldn't continue, a dry sob catching in his throat.

“Eridan,” Karkat whined, practically writhing in desperation, “please…”

Eridan pulled his hands free of his nook, clapping them over his earfins, screwing his eyes shut. His bulge twisted and squirmed along the floor of the ablution trap, seeking warm, tight heat and finding nothing. “Go away!” he shouted, the inside of his head was buzzing with white noise, an empty blank space in his mind that was gradually overtaking his better judgement. Karkat was mewling outside, his voice heavy with desire and Eridan couldn't block out the sound no matter how hard he tried. Karkat was begging, pleading for him and Eridan couldn't stand the overwhelming pressure anymore.

Frantic, he clawed his way up the door, fumbling momentarily before he was able to unlock it and push it open none-too-gently. Karkat, who had been leaning against the door, found himself suddenly sprawled in the hallway, bulge half-slipping out of his nook as he lay on his back, staring up at Eridan. The sea dweller’s form was hard and solid, as if he’d been cut from marble. Water droplets were gleaming on his skin, slowly trailing down his muscular shoulders. The drops would pool at the base of his collarbone, one-by-one slipping gently down his chiseled abs before following the powerful v-cut of his hips. They drew the eye to his bulge, which was curling and twisting between his powerful thighs.

Karkat was lost for a moment, drinking in the sight of the sea troll’s godlike form, his legs falling open, bulge pulling out of his own nook with a soft ‘squick’. Eridan seemed similarly transfixed, eyes raking across Karkat’s round shoulders, his soft belly, ample hips, thick bulge…  Karkat felt ashamed - the two of them were in a totally different league. Eridan looked like a figure straight out of troll mythology, whereas Karkat looked more like the comedic sidekick in any given number of romcoms.

The moment stretched on for a second more, then Eridan surged forward, firmly planting a hand on either side of Karkat’s face. The violet blooded troll’s eyes were clouded with lust as he stared possessively down at Karkat, a low rumble starting deep in the base of his throat. Karkat chirred in response, eyes fluttering closed as he felt Eridan’s bulge tangling with his own. He gasped a moment later, feeling the highblood’s cool bulge slowly edging into his nook, slow at first and then all at once, filling and filling him until Karkat thought he would burst. He almost sobbed with relief at the feeling, as his own bulge frantically sought the cool, slippery nook of the sea troll.

It wasn't too long before his short, thick bulge- in direct contrast to the long, slender, elegant bulge belonging the sea troll - was able to edge into the tight, almost cold nook of the sea troll.  Karkat wrapped his arms around the cold-blooded seadweller, nearly blunt nails digging into the rippling muscles of Eridan’s back. Eridan clutched at the small of Karkat’s back before dipping lower to cup his soft, round ass. His other hand tangled in the warmblood’s hair, finding one of Karkat’s small, nubby horns and wrapping his large, powerful hand around it, teasing it with the tips of his claws.

Karkat keened loudly at the added sensation, nook rippling in response to the added stimulation. Eridan nearly choked. “Kar,” he sobbed, gasping for breath. “You’re so hot,” he added, moaning into the smaller troll’s ear, the two of them lying still for a moment, bulges and nooks interlocked, clutching at each other. Then Eridan started rocking his hips roughly, his bulge twisting inside Karkat’s nook. Karkat wailed, seeing stars for a moment before he, too, began to move.

The two moved as one, each responding in turn to the other’s touch. The combination of Eridan’s pheromones and an overload of sensations after depriving themselves for so long quickly pushed them over the edge, and before either of them had the presence of mind to so much as look for a pail (not that they would’ve found one anyway), Karkat wrapped his legs around Eridan’s waist, wailing as perigees of pent-up tension came to a head. He released, the tip of his bulge pressed tight against Eridan’s seedflap, filling the sea troll until he was almost bursting. The sensation was enough to send Eridan over the edge as well, and he growled low in his throat, clutching Karkat possessively as he came hard and fast, pumping his hips once or twice more before his bulge slipped out limply, the two of them panting heavily. Eridan fell to his side, pulling the smaller troll up onto his chest as he rolled onto his back, the white noise in his head slowly fading as the seconds ticked by. Awareness returned to Eridan as he lay there, Karkat curled up on his chest, warm and soft. His frenzied need was gone now, and in its absence the cold dread of realization had set in.

I just used Kar as a fuckin’ pail , Eridan thought numbly, staring up at Karkat’s ceiling, unaware of the way one of his hands still carded through Karkat’s hair. I’m disgustin’. The only way I can get a proper pailin' is to blindside my lowblood friend an’ use him? Eridan squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a wave of revulsion shudder through him. His stomach turned, and he felt sick. He scrambled backwards then, Karkat slipping from his chest and onto the floor. Eridan at least had the presence of mind to catch the smaller troll and ease his head down, as Karkat still seemed mostly senseless from whatever Eridan had fucking done to him in the haze of lust that had overcome his better judgement. Scrambling to his feet, Eridan tugged his pants back on, choosing for the moment to ignore the horrible stains all over the crotch, and hurried to the door, a thousand variations on the phrase “you are the worst” running through his mind as he fled.