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put that down immediately, you're going to blow something up: selections from the unofficial guidebook to enjoying your MI6 employment.

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Office Entertainment

1.0
Poker nights are not and will never be a thing. This is not open for discussion, under any circumstance whatsoever. Reasons (in high definition audiovisual format) pertaining to the enforcement of this rule can be procured from the security office under the dates April 17 2008, November 1-November 2 2009 and all Christmas Eves, 2008-2011.

1.1
Tapes are not to be removed from the premise and/or copied in any way, even for personal usage. Especially for personal usage.


2.0
Scrabble, on the other hand, is tolerated and to most extents, encouraged. Q branch is known to favour the dirty variant where references of the sexual kind are instantly eligible for triple word scores.

2.1
In the event a word is subject to scrutinisation by two or more parties, Google will be consulted.

2.1(a)
Self-created Wikipedia entries do not count and it must be remembered that hacks into dictionary.com can be traced.

2.2
Adding the vowel “e” to the ends of words does not, in any way at all, magically transform a word into its archaic form. See: fucke, cocke, bollockes etc.


3.0
In reference to the above, Q branch Scrabble is not limited to only Q branch personnel. The board shall remain open to all interested individuals, but it must be remembered that cheating will be dealt with in severe terms.

3.1
Lacerations, bone breakage and the usage of any chemicals from H branch are, however, considered incredibly inappropriate forms of punishment.


(“Damn it,” someone moans when 007 walks into the room and makes a beeline for the board. “Here we go.”

“Score?” Bond demands and Q is staring at his selection of tiles, brows furrowed.

“98,” he says. “Fuck it I was missing a C.”

“Cunnilingus?"

Q looks up with a look that says you cannot be serious. “Cunt,” he corrects before looking down again. “I don’t even want to know how you can get a word like that.” Under Bond’s creative rearranging, SCROTUMS nets Q a nice 36 points.

Bond knows he might not look it, but his spelling is about as stellar as his gun aim, and his arsenal of filthy words is second to none, except maybe the old M. One year now and no one has been able to beat his score of 625, ending with PHALLODYNIA.)


On Participation

5.0
Active involvement in international movements such as Earth Hour and Movember is encouraged, on the account that participation in such movements signify the successful application of a wider, more caring world-view. Employees who apply themselves will be appropriately commended.


6.0
No D December does not fall under the approved list of international movements and participants will thus, not be reimbursed for their efforts.

6.0(a)
However, it might be prudent to note that the unofficial, non-MI6 sanctioned incentive for the completion of No D December is currently at £2000. Interested applicants may register with Chief of Staff William “Bill” Tanner.


(“But you’ll be in China from the first,” Q reasons. “For four weeks. That’s twenty eight days.”

“And then I’ll be back,” Bond points out, all cool rationale as he takes the refitted Walther from Q’s desk. “Also, may I remind you that December happens to possess thirty one days and not twenty eight?” He has an expression on his face that indicates they are just about done with this conversation.

“But it’s two thousand quid.”

“The last I checked, neither of us are living in abject poverty and squalor.”

Q rolls his eyes and they widen when Bond calmly grabs Q’s arse on his way out.

“I’ll see you on New Year’s eve.”)


Personal Belongings

10.0
Employees are reminded to keep personal belongings within sight at all times. While theft is not an issue to be concerned about at MI6, the borrowing and/or usage of items without the owner’s consent has been known to happen. That said, complaints regarding the loss of pens, mugs, sticky-notes etc. will not be entertained. Employees are expected to take appropriate responsibility for the care of their own items as this is an intelligence agency, not a kindergarten.


11.0
Employees are also strongly reminded that fellow co-workers are not to be considered personal belongings. Improper conduct will result in reprimand.

11.0(a)
The above is meant to apply to all branches of all divisions. Even double-oh agents. Especially double-oh agents.

11.0(b)
To reiterate the above, double-oh agents are not exempt to the rules regarding the classification of co-workers as personal belongings. If told otherwise, proper protocol is to ignore and/or report the incident to one’s branch superior.

11.0(c) *Q-branch specific
In the case that it is your branch superior who is being treated as a personal belonging, disregard ruling 11.0(b) and proceed with your day.


(“So, I was wondering if…after work today…”

Q looks up from his screens and blinks, owl-like.

“After work?” he kindly prompts their newest addition, a voluptuous blond who has curves and codes to die for.

“If you’d maybe like to grab coffee? Together?”

She looks so hopeful that Q actually feels sorry when he catches sight of Bond walking through the doors at that exact moment. Perhaps the air-conditioning is playing up again, but the temperature in the lab seems to drop a good ten degrees.

“That would be absolutely lovely, Tiff–“ Bond’s eyes hone in on them and Q heaves an internal sigh, the universal sign for cut it out he’s making at knee level going completely ignored by the party it’s intended for, “–but I’m afraid tonight–“

“Will only happen over my dead body,” Bond says darkly. He’s looming, as ominous as they come behind the poor girl and Tiffany makes a sound like a squeak of terror.

“What 007 meant to say is I’ll be busy tonight,” Q corrects. “My apologies. Really.”)


Appropriate conduct

14.0
Physical violence, aggressive behaviour, sexual harassment and manipulation of any kind is not allowed within the premises of MI6. In accordance with national guidelines, MI6 promotes a safe, healthy working environment for all employees and any individual found to be engaging in threatening behaviour will be disciplined as seen fit.

14.1
The unauthorised switching of regular to decaffeinated coffee mix is considered aggressive behaviour and offenders will be subject to severe disciplinary action.


15.0
Any other acts not falling under the above classifications will be assessed and reviewed on an individual basis.

Minor incidents (i.e. the replacement of all desktop backgrounds with photos of Nicholas Cage and/or anything less than the standard MI6 logo) will most probably result in a fine of no more than £50.

Major incidents (i.e. the committing of any sexual act on agency premises and/or agency property within or outside of office hours) will result in a disciplinary hearing.

15.1
Agency vehicles are legally recognised properties of the agency and will be subjected to the same rules. This goes for all types of surfaces (furniture, walls, flooring etc.) within the premise.


16.0
Employees are reminded that all security cameras operate on a twenty-four hour, seven days a week basis. There are no blind spots anywhere within the premises.


17.0
There are no blind spots anywhere within the premises.

17.0(a)
Though it should not need to be clarified, please take note that toilets and showers are not outfitted with security cameras.


(“Fuck,” Q breathes out and Bond mouths at Q’s neck, sucking a mark just below the collarbone. “Fuck, come on, quick, someone’s going to come in soon.”

“No they won’t,” murmurs Bond. He drops to his knees and pulls the zip of Q’s trousers down with his teeth. “Trust me on this one, we have time.”

Q lets his head loll against the wall of the cubicle as Bond does something highly obscene with his fingers and decides that yes, alright, he’ll trust Bond on this one.)


18.0
As toilets are considered shared, public spaces for the usage of all employees, their main entrances are to remain unlocked at all times. Complaints and/or findings of them being otherwise should be brought directly to M.


(“Again?” M asks, aghast.

“Technically, I didn’t lock anything,” Bond insists.

“A broom handle shoved under the handle amounts to the same, 007.”)