Please don't see
Just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies
Jimin can’t wait to grow up. He looks in the mirror each day to see if there are any noticeable changes, if he’ll start to see his baby fat leave his cheeks and hear the changes in his own voice. His muscles ache from practice, and he’s practically killing himself each day to live at a higher standard, he thinks sometimes that even rabbits eat better than he does. But, this is exactly what he needs to do in order to fit in, to look better, and to prove that he’s worthy of being in this band. The worst thing imaginable is to come so close and then be denied when he can see the finish line, he can taste the blood, sweat, and tears each day that will lead him to victory.
His breath fogs the mirrors in the dance studio, one hand firm against the coldness of it, as he props himself up, forehead bent to rest against the unforgiving mirrors. Hoseok has gone back already, tired and sore from putting in long hours. It’s a lot easier for Hoseok to not beat himself up over dancing, when he still has rap to fall back on, but even Jimin feels that his vocals are lacking, so he needs to be the best he can be when it comes to dancing. With these thoughts racing through his mind, as fast as the pounding of his heart in his chest, Jimin doesn’t hear the slow creak of the door as it gradually slides open.
Yoongi slips into the room undetected, combing through his hair with long fingers as he takes a seat, sighing as he sees Jimin’s sweat soaked shirt clinging to him. There’s nothing else in the world that brings Jimin more worry than having others judge him, which is why he enjoys his time alone in the studio, without even Hoseok to give his approval or critiques. But, when Yoongi clears his throat, Jimins head snaps up and he backs away from the mirror, as though he has any plans to leave whatsoever.
“Hyung, why’re you here so late?” Jimin knows that Yoongi sticks to his studio more than usual when everyone is asleep, enjoying his own space with his words and the beat; same as how Jimin feels when he’s alone controlling the movement of his body and testing himself to the limits.
“I was voted to bring you back to the dorms,” Yoongi explains, rubbing at his eyes which are probably suffering from shock at being exposed to all the lights that are on in the practice room, as opposed to just the one dim lamp that Yoongi normally keeps on in his own small space. “Hoseok won’t go to sleep, Jin’s worried you’re overworking yourself, and Taehyung says that if you don’t come back he’s going to use all the hot water.”
When he tries to argue that he’ll be done soon, just five more minutes hyung, please , Yoongi barks at him to hurry up or he’s going to drag Jimin out by the scruff of his neck. The height difference between them is practically non-existent, and yet, Jimin still has complete faith in Yoongi’s ferocity.
“Thanks for coming to get me, hyung.”
“Yeah, well, don’t make a habit of it. I’m not your keeper Park Jimin.” Yoongi says, but Jimin knows his words are more for show than anything, which is a reassurance in and of itself.
If it were anyone else in the dorms, then Jimin wouldn’t expect anything less. Jin is always worried, and keeps tabs on all of them when they’re not at home, spamming their group KakaoTalk with concerned looking emoji’s or outright demanding questions of why they’re not back home yet. When Hoseok wants Jimin to come back to the dorms, he’ll go to the dance studio and practice with him sometimes, tiring Jimin out sooner than usual so he can get back quicker. Namjoon doesn’t get worried as quickly, but he does come by the studio on the occasions when Jimin forgets to eat, bringing with him some food; he’ll sit with Jimin and talk to him as he eats before heading back to the dorms. Jungkook and Taehyung come as a pair and bother him until Jimin finally cracks and comes back to the dorm.
But for Yoongi to be the one dragging him back home, that says something, it’s like a reward in Jimin’s mind as opposed to the other members actions which are so easily given. Yoongi makes people work for his respect and his affection, Jimin thinks it has something to do with how much Yoongi just didn’t feel comfortable around them in the beginning, how he had thought of being an underground rapper so frequently that this idol lifestyle was shocking to him. He’s never once said anything like that to Jimin, but it sure feels like there’s something different about Yoongi, it’s something that even shows in Namjoon from time to time. The two of them are cut from the same type of cloth, and Jimin can’t help but feel left out sometimes, when he really just wants Yoongi to look at him with the same kind of appreciation he so readily gives Namjoon (even if that is veiled as well). So, getting this kind of treatment from Yoongi is worth all the hours of sweating and feeling every ache intensified, as he tries his hardest.
When they reach the dorms, no one is awake. In fact, Jimin is pretty sure he can hear Namjoon’s snoring from down the hall. He can hear the faint spray of water coming from the bathroom, so Taehyung is definitely in the shower but everything else that Yoongi said seems a bit off, now that Jimin is seeing everything first hand. He doesn’t question it though, as Yoongi mumbles a quick (and sleep deprived sounding) get some sleep, kid . He disappears down the hall and leaves Jimin to wonder why exactly it bothers him so much every time Yoongi calls him that.
Please see me
Reaching out for someone I can’t see
The way Jimin moves in their dance studio, with the music lifting his spirit higher than any drug, looking as lucid as water sifting through air, this is how Yoongi comes to respect the younger boy. If not for his natural talent, but his overall dedication and intent to make himself better at the craft he’s claimed as his own. Yoongi thinks he knows talent when he sees it, but he’d underestimated just how much talent the other boy had.
When he’s done in his studio, and he’s wrung out the last possible lines for the night (ones that he’s sure to redo when he lays a fresh set of eyes on them tomorrow), Yoongi likes to sneak on over to the practice studio. Technically, it’s not really sneaking if he doesn’t try to hide his presence. The door is almost always open, and from there is what Yoongi thinks of as his prime viewing spot. If he steps foot into the room, it’ll be an immediate distraction to Jimin who will only become more frustrated if he messes up while someone else is watching.
In a way, Yoongi almost wishes he could touch Jimin. Not in a sexual way, never that, but in a reassuring way, to try and calm the other boy when he looks just at the edge of breaking. Jimin’s so emotional that it sometimes catches him off guard, he forgets how young Jimin is sometimes. The kid still has baby fat softening his features, for christ sake.
Jimin carries himself in a way that Yoongi can forget sometimes that he’s a kid, there’s a deeper sense of maturity in Jimin’s eyes than he assumes others bother paying attention to. He sees the way Jimin looks at himself in the dance room mirrors, the way he pinches his stomach sometimes; to see if the insane diets he puts himself through are paying off. Once, Yoongi even saw Jimin cringe when someone complimented him.
He’s not sure if the others notice this, but it bothers Yoongi nonetheless.
When their pre-debut days end, Jimin has the body he wants, and a diet that’s killing him, but Yoongi doesn’t say a word about it. Just supports his choice, and encourages him to enjoy the celebratory meal that comes with their debut. Jimin does his best to hide his grimace, but ends up sitting down to eat the same meal with the rest of them, seeming to enjoy the loud obnoxious conversations bursting into the open atmosphere as everyone congratulates each other and devours the food set before them. Yoongi is content with food in his stomach, and is quick to claim the shower before the hot water starts dwindling.
When he comes back out, toweling his hair, dressed in a pair of sleep shorts and a loose v-neck that practically drowns him (probably Jungkooks that got mixed up in the laundry), he takes notice of the fact that Jimin is gone.
Taehyung and Hoseok are spread out on the couch, absently rubbing at their stomachs as they groan because they’ve eaten too much, and Jungkook has his eyes closed as he lays on the floor, head propped up on a pillow. Namjoon is helping Jin wash dishes, their chatter is inaudible as Yoongi watches their mouths move in hushed tones; Namjoon’s bright smile is always somewhat refreshing, but not when Yoongi has a deep sense of worry in the pit of his stomach.
“Jiminie said he was going to sleep, hyung.” Hoseok says, voice sleepy as he answers Yoongi’s question, pausing to look towards Taehyung, who nods his agreement that yes Jimin did in fact say he’s going to sleep.
Yoongi wanders over to where Jimin and Hoseok share a room, and finds the light off as well as Jimin’s bunk empty. He counts to three in his head, closing his eyes, frown set on his features which creates a crease between his eyebrows. Really, this is getting ridiculous.
He throws on a pair of jeans and slips his shoes on by the door, “Going after Jimin?” Jin’s voice says over his shoulder, and Yoongi almost jumps out of his skin at how suddenly Jin appeared.
“This is the last time, so he better appreciate it.” Yoongi says, but Jin sees right through him, and just smiles.
“That’s what you said the last time, Yoongi.” Jin reminds him, in an all too cheery tone before he walks off to take care of (how he affectionately refers to them) The Kids.
To date, Yoongi has been the one to bring Jimin back to the dorms at least five times a week for the last seven months. Despite everything that he said about not being Jimin’s keeper, he’s doing a damn good job of it. On his way to the studio, he thinks of all the ways he’s seen Jimin change in just the year they’ve all been together. It was in the little things at first, when Yoongi started noticing exactly how much stress Jimin takes on for the sake of others. Specifically, Jimin is so selfless that, at first, it had annoyed Yoongi to think someone could be so easily kind. He was sort of waiting for Jimin to have some kind of ulterior motive, but that’s really not the case, and Jimin watches the boy endlessly put others before himself. Maybe this is why it’s so easy for Yoongi to put Jimin first in his mind, not caring what the others think about his somewhat favoritism.
Sure enough, Jimin is in the dance studio, but he’s not dancing. Instead, he’s sitting cross legged in front of the wall of mirrors, his eyes boring holes into his own reflection, from what Yoongi can clearly see. His body looks tense and his fingers trace over the glass, outlining his face. Jimin looks torn, between looking away and continuing to judge himself on the tiny miniscule things that aren’t actually important. Yoongi knows that Jimin must have been in here for a while, at least twenty minutes or longer, and he doesn’t look like he’s going to leave any time soon either.
Yoongi takes a few quick steps into the studio, and goes unnoticed by Jimin until he’s standing right behind the younger boy. Jimin looks up.
Yoongi holds out his hand.
Take my hand, let’s see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand
The tips of his fingers grasp at the droplets of water, slipping over his palm to splash back into the sink. He doesn’t look into the mirror, because all he sees are flaws. Jimin had thought that with their debut he would become more secure in his own self worth and his talent, his looks as well. In a way, he is, but only in front of the fans. By himself, he is scared that they will turn on him without make-up and a body deemed perfect by other idols example. Jimin’s just used to it by now, having these thoughts, trying his hardest to hone his skills and prove that he’s the lead dancer for a reason; not just because he looks good without a shirt.
He is constantly plagued by these worries and fears, feeling like he has no one he can share this side of himself with. It becomes harder to bear alone, so when Yoongi extends his hand, Jimin takes it, without even a second thought.
Yoongi doesn’t look at him, doesn’t say anything either, and they walk together, hand in hand, back to the dorms. The hand in his is something solid and real, and the fact that its Yoongi only makes him more stunned. His hand feels hot to the touch and he’s so nervous with Yoongi this close to him. Jimin manages to not say anything, and shatter the illusion that he’s living with right now, but even though he doesn’t say anything, Yoongi’s voice is suddenly filling his head with kind words.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Jimin.” Yoongi says, the words sounding solid and definite against the backdrop of the starry night sky up above, the twinkling from space only looking like specks when faced with the glow from the skyline of Seoul.
Jimin nods his head, but doesn’t tell Yoongi how grateful he is to hear the words. Even if he doesn’t exactly believe them, he’s over the moon to hear them from someone like his hyung, whose hand feels better in his than Jimin thought possible.
The silence stretches, and Jimin knows that Yoongi understands how glad he is, just with the small squeeze of Yoongi’s hand before they reach the dorms and Yoongi’s grasp loosens, releasing Jimin’s hand, even though he wants to keep holding on to Yoongi like a security blanket.
“Get some rest.”
“You too, hyung.”
Both of them know that the words are falling on deaf ears. Jimin won’t be getting any sleep because he’ll be too busy worrying about the next day's practice and how well he’ll do, and Yoongi won’t be getting any sleep because the words in his head that are begging to be written won’t easily settle and let him rest. Still, they depart to their separate rooms, unaware that what each of them wants most is to stay close together.
I’ll be damned, Cupid’s demanding back his arrow
So let’s get drunk on our tears
He's not really the romantic type. But this isn't to say that he lacks any idea of what romance is. His lyrics are teeming with double meaning words that stem from love, and his heart is open to anything. It’s not like these are the kinds of things that he keeps to himself, even if he wants to. Living in a house filled with six other boys, it gets difficult to avoid certain conversations.
At this point, not all of the members can drink yet, so they can’t get too outrageous with their games, but when Namjoon turns eighteen internationally, it’s hard to regulate what he uses their shared studio laptop for. Honestly, Yoongi wouldn’t touch the keyboard on that thing even if someone paid him. He’s pretty sure the only reason it still looks clean, is because Jungkook is thorough in his cleaning of the dorms; disinfecting almost everything (including some of the other members). Each week, there are new viruses to be cleared from the computer, and the random pop ups that appear on screen make Yoongi uncomfortable for many reasons.
The youngest members are pretty innocent, he thinks, despite the fact that they’ve had prolonged exposure to Namjoon. In certain cases, they’ll ask questions about the meaning behind certain topics, and that’s when Yoongi chooses to make his escape to his studio and ignore the explanation by Jin that’s soon to follow. He guesses that their questioning is better than looking it up on the internet and finding an unfiltered amount of unhelpful resources. Still, he never likes being asked questions about sex, or girls, or sex and girls. Hoseok sometimes asks him, just so that they’ve got something to talk about, but the stories are bland and seem like so long ago that Yoongi can’t even recall them that well anymore. He’s got more important things on his mind. He likes girls, and boys for that matter, but he's always gotten more enjoyment from simple actions and displays of affection. He likes feeling someone's hand in his and he enjoys the soft brush of lips against his own, those simple close exchanges have always been a comfort, but with this new life he’s almost positive that he won’t be enjoying anything like that for some time.
To him, it's one thing to be sexually attracted to someone and to find someone aesthetically pleasing. It’s safe to say that Park Jimin fits all of Yoongi’s so called standards.
It’s not a surprise to anyone, that Jimin is beautiful. But, to Yoongi, it’s always the smaller things that he appreciates. How Jimin’s smile reaches his eyes, when it’s real, and even makes Yoongi weak to resist smiling along with the other boy. Jimin’s laugh is intoxicating, it makes the air seem lighter as it fills the space with a softer, kinder, tone. There’s something about the way Jimin cares for others, the way he can somehow tell when someone isn’t at their best, how he puts their feelings before other peoples and ignores his own feelings sometimes just to make someone else happy. It’s these things that make Yoongi’s head spin until he’s dizzy. He’s also pretty vulnerable to other things as well, like how touchy Jimin can be, how he’ll curl against anyone that will let him, just for the closeness he wants.
Yoongi likes all these things. He likes Jimin.
But some things just can’t be, so he ignores the feeling in the pit of his stomach, and keeps Jimin close but not too close. Always balancing every kind act with a certain kind of indifference that he treats everyone with at one point or another. Though, after their routine of walking home hand-in-hand most nights, when Jimin is too tired to fight Yoongi about coming back to the dorm early; the boundaries start to fade, leaving Yoongi with so many thoughts and not enough answers.
Then it happens. They’re walking home, Jimin’s been worrying his bottom lip between his teeth for the better half of the short distance they’ve walked, when he finally draws in a deep breath and asks a question that has Yoongi’s world shifting and tilting on its originally perfectly aligned axis.
“Hyung, have you ever...are you a v-virgin?”
“Why are you asking me that all of a sudden, Jimin?”
“I’m just curious.” the younger shrugs, Yoongi can feel it as they walk, shoulders brushing, hands still held together. Jimin’s face is practically scarlet, from what Yoongi can see in one quick glance as the street lights paint him in an almost unreal glow.
“No.” Yoongi says, truthfully, after some thought.
There’s a silence that stretches on between them, and Jimin still hasn’t let go of his hand; so he can’t be feeling too weirded out by the admission. Their shoes make scuffling sounds against the pavement, and the air stirs around them with a soft wind and warm air.
“If you didn’t want to know the answer, you could have asked someone else.” Yoongi finally says, Jimin’s so much like a kid in these moments that it drives him crazy. He’s frustrated by how easily Jimin can ask something, and then shut down after getting the answer he may not have wanted to hear.
Jimin’s head snaps to the side, instead of continuing to look at his feet as they walk, his eyes focusing on Yoongi acutely, “I did. But, Hoseok was weird about it.”
Alright, so that is definitely what jealousy feels like. Yoongi didn’t actually expect for Jimin to have asked someone else already, he’d assumed he was usually the person for Jimin to come to, asking questions and getting answers that are always truthful.
“So, what’s it like?”
“What’s what like?”
“Hyung, don’t make me say it.” Jimin pleads, and Yoongi lets out a breath of air as he thinks of exactly how to explain his personal feelings on the matter to Jimin.
“It’s different,” Yoongi says carefully, slowly pausing before thinking up the rest of the words he wants to say, “it’s hard to explain.”
“Did you like it?” Jimin hedges, voice hesitant in his search for answers, curiosity brimming in his words.
Yoongi practically chokes on his own spit, Jesus, how many more questions does Jimin have? The dorm is coming into view at this point, and Yoongi tries to walk faster. “I didn’t hate it.”
He’s not about to say how much he enjoys hand holding rather than having sex, he thinks that, with Jimin’s hand in his, there are certain things he just can’t say.
“That’s really cryptic, hyung.”
“Look, it’s different for everyone. There are a lot of things to take into account, whether you’re with a girl or a guy, the setting, if you're even ready to take that step…” When Yoongi starts to feel Jimin's intense gaze on him, his words taper off and he looks to the younger boy.
They're stopped in front of the dorms, with their hands still pressed together, Jimin looks like he's shrunk in on himself just by the way he's darting his eyes away from Yoongi's as soon as their eyes meet.
"Girls or boys?" Jimin asks, addressing his shoes or the floor but not looking up at Yoongi.
It’s then that Yoongi realizes his mistake, he thinks that essentially having The Talk with Jimin is his karma for some horrible deed he committed in his past life. He wonders if Jimin is judging him, or if he’s feeling uncomfortable now, but his hand is still holding Yoongi’s tightly so that can’t be it.
“Maybe you should have this talk with someone else, Jimin; just forget what I said.”
“Hyung, I don’t care about that , I just...have one more question.” Jimin explains, with one hand fiddling with the key to unlock the door.
“I don’t think I have any more answers to give you, Jimin.” Yoongi says, seriously, because the way Jimin is looking at him as though his word is law; that’s kind of scary, he’s made a lot of mistakes, but this has got to be the worst, talking to an impressionable kid about sex and sexuality. He really does wish, even if it’s upsetting to not have Jimin come to him, that the younger boy had just gone to Jin or Namjoon instead.
Jimin ignores him, “How did you know, hyung, that you liked...” boys , the word is dangling unsaid and Yoongi knows that it’s what Jimin wants to ask, but he’s too nervous to.
Yoongi’s air flow feels like it’s been cut off, he’s not ready for a question like that, to tell Jimin of all people. The one person in this band that he’d hoped would stay innocent for as long as possible. But, the alternative of having Jimin completely oblivious is also something that Yoongi knows wouldn’t be right; he has to answer.
“It’s not easy to explain, my feelings have never been...gender specific,” god this is weird , the fact that he’s sharing his own story is unsettling, his mouth feels dry and his hands are shaky, he knows Jimin can feel that much, “...it’s just how it is.”
He tries to be as nonchalant as possible, giving a slight shrug of his shoulders, but Jimin’s soft smile shows that he understands how uncomfortable this must be for Yoongi. He sees the small blush in Jimin’s cheeks, under the bad lighting of the street lamps.
“I know you don’t choose who you like, hyung,” Jimin says, voice comforting in all the right ways, “I was just curious, because I, I don’t really like girls, not the way Hoseok or Namjoon hyung talk about them.”
There’s a slight frown on Jimin’s face, and Yoongi wants to smile at how cute he looks, Jimin has the most puzzled expression on his face as he battles with what he wants to say.
“Jimin, you’re a good kid; don’t worry about things that you can’t help, and don't need fixing.” that’s really all the advice Yoongi can offer, before he runs out of all of his sage-like advice. This conversation in and of itself has cost him some of his best material as one of the eldest hyungs.
“Yoongi hyung,” Yoongi’s heart speeds up when Jimin uses his name like that, “thank you.”
“Jimin, just promise me you’ll come to me for advice, like tonight.” Yoongi insists, noting how that sounds sort-of-possessive of Jimin and all of his problems and how he doesn’t want Jimin to share this kind of quality time with anyone other than himself.
There’s nothing but happiness in Jimin’s unique smile, the one that makes his cheeks gather lines as he smiles widely, “Of course, hyung.”
When Jimin opens the door to the dorms and they walk in, hands unclasping, they both retreat to their own rooms to think about everything that’s gone on tonight. Yoongi’s head is filled to the brim, he feels like he’s going to combust with all this new information about Jimin, about his interests , but it doesn’t change a thing about how Yoongi sees Jimin, in fact, it probably makes it harder to not fall in love with him.
And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Jimin’s heart thuds against his chest, heavily like the beat of a drum, as he steadily runs. He can feel the sweat dripping down his forehead and trickling down his neck. Running is the next best thing when Jimin is too unfocused to concentrate on dancing. He still gets a workout, and his mind is free to think about anything his heart desires. Often times, his mind is set on wondering whether he's made the right decision. It’s nice to be a part of something as great as this band, and the life he’s living now is far more than he pictured for himself at first.
But today, his thoughts are completely set on his conversation with Yoongi. The older boy's words echoing in his ears like some distant dream.
Don’t worry about things you can't help
But he does worry, because it would be fine if he just liked boys; but it's a completely different game if he likes Yoongi. Which he does, there's no denying that. In this industry though, even Jimin knows that there’s no way this story can end happily. Even if everything played out in his favor, and Yoongi wanted him just as much, then there’s still the added stress of keeping their relationship out of the media. Jimin’s not really good at concealing his feelings, and if he were to ever be allowed to hold Yoongi’s hand in that way, he’s not sure he could restrain himself.
Even though it’s forbidden fruit, he still thinks about it a lot. It’s like seeing someone down the street and wondering if you would be good together, if you could love each other like all those great fairy tales your parents read you as a kid. Except, instead of looking down the street, all Jimin has to do is look to his side and see Yoongi. There’s a lot of questions, about whether they would be happy together, that run through Jimin’s head, because he might never know the answer, he tends to think about it, what’s the harm in that?
The harm, is that he’s getting too comfortable imagining something other than just close friendship. In these fantasies that are nothing close to reality, he’s getting more and more forgetful. He lingers on thoughts of Yoongi, and how good it feels to hold his hand for those short walks back to the dorm. Yoongi’s hands are soft and uncalloused, and always hold his in a gentle grasp, ever since that night.
When the sweat cools at the nape of Jimin’s neck, he comes back to reality. Sitting on a park bench in the middle of a city filled with people he may never meet, his mind still set on the sleepy smile of a man he’s desperate to get closer to.
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
Yoongi isn’t a fool, he’s not blind to Jimin’s sudden closeness and attention. Even if he hadn’t caught on to the change between them, heavy in the air, Jin would have brought it up in no time. Always watching closely from a distance, and taking care of everyone, it’s no real surprise when Jin manages to get Yoongi alone and talk to him.
“Are you planning on doing anything about it?” It being Jimin , the sympathy in Jin’s eyes makes Yoongi think maybe he isn’t the only one harboring feelings for a band member.
Yoongi shakes his head before he’s even thought of words to say, “It’s one sided.”
Jin rolls his eyes, Yoongi can sense that, as he pulls up a chair to sit in front of Yoongi, who’s perfectly content to sit hunched over his notebook as he writes new lyrics.
“You don't have to try and convince me, I've seen the way Jimin looks at you, and that's not just brotherly love. He's too obvious with his affection, for you to just keep on ignoring his feelings.” Jin’s protective, he always has been, but this is one of those moments where Yoongi doesn't want anything to do with his advice.
“He’s so young, Jin,” it’s one of Yoongi’s biggest worries, though as the months carry into years, he’s starting to see the way Jimin’s changing, shifting more into a man each day. “and that’s the least I need to be concerned about.” Given their situation, being in the spotlight, he’s not sure if he could handle that, it’s already hard to keep his hands to himself.
“Jimin cares for you, and you care for him, isn’t that all that should matter in the end?” Jin says, like his words are helping, when in reality he's just making it worse.
Yoongi does know these things, can see it when Jimin looks at him for too long, when he feels warm eyes watching him. Honestly, there isn't a thing that Yoongi can do to make Jimin put space between them. He's tried being cold, distancing himself, even being downright rude sometimes; but Jimin always finds some justification and weasels his way back on Yoongi’s good side. He’s like a kicked puppy, always coming back in the hopes that maybe things have changed; Yoongi doesn't know how long it will be before Jimin’s had enough.
Even though he thinks this way, he's not sure Jimin will ever call it quits; and Yoongi isn't sure if he ever wants him to.
Who are we?
Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?
Up on stage, with the lights shining and the cheers of an ocean of fans; it’s when Jimin feels everything tenfold. Not only the emotions of gratefulness, which spreads across his body and makes him smile as he sings. But when he looks at Yoongi, there’s always something more than just gratefulness that he feels, it’s a mix of want and need, all clashing inside his head; he’s so desperate for it.
When it’s just the seven of them up on stage, surrounded by cheering and a sea of fans, Jimin feels like they’re all floating on this high. Then everything narrows down even further and Jimin only sees Yoongi, it’s a tunnel vision of sorts, and the adrenaline rushing through his system makes it that much harder to keep himself from doing something he’ll regret. Yoongi seems more alive on stage, microphone in hand with sweat drenched bangs, than Jimin has ever seen him before. And when their eyes catch on stage, everything slows and Jimin can feel his heart thump heavily against his ribcage like it’s about to pop right out of his chest. He doesn’t know if he’s witnessed something more beautiful in his entire life, the way Yoongi’s mouth quirks up to a small playful smile, as he’s in his element, and Jimin’s not even sure if Yoongi’s aware of just how much that simple gesture utterly wrecks him. But it does, every damn time.
Common facts aside, there’s one that’s becoming more of a struggle to hide, because it’s written on his face and hidden in his words. The most common fact, in this infinite world, in this life that Jimin had worked hard for, is that he is absolutely in love with someone he wishes he hadn’t met under these circumstances.
Woe is me
If we’re not careful turns into reality
It’s a dangerous game. Jimin will be the first to admit letting his mind think up different scenarios. He starts thinking of these other lives in the small moments where he’s allowed some peace. When his makeup is being applied and Taehyung is too tired to get Jimin to join in his antics, Jimin’s mind wanders to what life could have been like. Maybe he still would have met Yoongi, if Bangtan hadn't been created, if he'd stayed in Busan and maybe traveled to Seoul for University, maybe Yoongi would have ended up there too, pursuing his underground rap career. There's a lot of factors to take into consideration, he even thinks, vaguely, that if they had met back then, he would have been too nervous to even talk to Yoongi. Even without all the makeup, even without the familiarity between them, Jimin still remembers thinking Yoongi was dangerous before all that. He had an easy confidence, and a not so easily earned smile that made Jimin light up. It still makes him light up.
The possibilities circle around in his head like little doors leading to something Jimin can't attain anymore, can only look in on. Wishful thinking and daydreams are a lot better than hoping something can come out of this. He wants things that might only be attainable in dreams now, too far fetched for reality to ever grant them. Still, he hopes and he drifts away in sweet daydreams thinking of what might have been; what still could be.
But don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Jimin gets his wish on his birthday, three years after the start of everything. He's spending his day of rest having the members dote on him, naturally, and enjoying the benefits of his day. When everyone's content to let him do what he pleases, he finds the time to sneak off to get some practice in.
The studio is chilly and the mirrors cast back his reflection and make him almost nervous as he looks at himself, it's been awhile since he's had the opportunity, the time, to really examine his features. He looks different now, and he’s comforted when he knows that he’s achieved all he set out to do, he admires his sharp jawline in the mirror, tilting his head up and down and side to side, and then he catches the small form of Yoongi, standing by the door, just watching. They lock eyes through the mirror and Jimin wants to look away, because he feels embarrassed in the soft light of the studio and the piercing way Yoongi is gazing at him.
His ears fill with the sounds of footsteps, light and steady, before Yoongi is sitting beside him, looking into the mirror at both their reflections, tracing over them with his eyes, making Jimin ache to just touch . But it looks like Yoongi can read his mind, because Yoongi takes Jimin’s hand in his, carefully. Even though he’s done this countless times before, and Jimin’s heart rate skyrockets, the smooth feeling of Yoongi’s hand in his (sweaty palms be damned) as Jimin tries not to cling tighter to his hold.
Yoongi looks handsome, no matter what, in Jimin’s mind. The soft way his hair looks like cotton candy, a pretty mint shade that Jimin wants to touch and stroke his fingers through, he looks at his own orange locks reflected in the mirror and he can’t help but smile, what a pair we must be . In retrospect it’s easier to ignore these feelings bubbling inside himself, but he doesn’t want to try anymore. They look good together, under this sudden soft light of the studio, without any makeup and without the false pretenses of being on display to the public like little perfect dolls. Jimin can feel free to hate himself just a little bit, and Yoongi can praise him like it’s his only reason for waking up each day.
“Happy Birthday, Jimin.” Yoongi voices, Jimin’s actually lost track of how many times he’s heard that today. “Did you get everything you wanted?”
Jimin had made sure to tell them all how today would be about him, and they’d all stuck to it, but Jimin still wants one more thing, something he can’t even bring himself to directly ask for, even though he wants to more than he wants air in his lungs.
Yoongi raises his eyebrow in a silent Oh? And Jimin smiles, that soft eye-smile that their fans love, that sets butterflies loose in Yoongi’s stomach. The seconds slip easily by, and Jimin’s hand fits snugly in Yoongi’s, the soft feeling flows and ebbs between them like a current just for them. Jimin’s not even sure what he’s looking at anymore, if it’s himself or Yoongi, but when he looks to Yoongi, it’s clear the other boy was only ever looking at Jimin.
“Close your eyes Jimin.” Yoongi’s voice is barely a whisper, and Jimin complies easily, biting his lip in slight hesitance before his eyes are slipping shut.
His heart pounds heavy against his chest, and he feels the pad of Yoongi’s finger running across his bottom lip, “You’re so beautiful.” Jimin’s cheeks feel hot, a blush spreading easily as his breath stills. Jimin wants to shake his head at the words, and how easily Yoongi says them, like Jimin is something he actively appreciates. But all forms of protest die on his lips as he feels Yoongi’s lips on his.
Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending
Where we’re dancing in our tears
He never wants this to stop, the rush of feelings that had been building up, he just couldn’t hold it back anymore, the beautiful way Jimin leans into his touch. He wants it all, for the rest of his life. Music had been addictive, he’d wanted to learn everything he could about producing, and he’s set out to be the best he could be; producing and writing lyrics, seeing his work pay off, there had been nothing that had made Yoongi happier. Until Jimin.
The soft slide of Jimin’s mouth and the needy way the boy’s hand twists into his shirt, bringing them closer, makes Yoongi smile into the kiss. He’d been worried at first, that maybe this was a bad decision, that taking this chance would backfire horribly. But, with his nose brushing softly against Jimin’s as he tilts his head to get better access, he knows this is the best idea he’s had in a long while. Jimin tastes like mint and Yoongi doesn’t ever want to pull away from this, feeling warm and light all at the same time.
When they both need air more desperately than they need to stay glued together, they separate with a soft sigh on both their parts. Yoongi looks at Jimin for a long moment, his eyes are soft and warm, hooded as he looks back at Yoongi with his soft stunning smile. It’s terrifying, because things can’t just continue on how they used to be, but it also feels so good and so right that Yoongi is okay with having set aside his reservations and given in to this absolute desire. He lets his forehead rest on Jimin’s shoulder, nose pressed against Jimin’s neck, breath fanning out to tickle Jimin’s skin. The feeling of Jimin’s fingers running through his hair, rubbing at the nape of his neck like he’s some cat, it has Yoongi paralyzed for a good five minutes before reality catches up to the both of them.
Seokjin has already called both their phones twice, and Yoongi pulls Jimin to his feet. They walk out of the studio, hand in hand like they had done countless times before, and each step takes them further and further away from their little world, but closer into each other's arms.
And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run
They keep it to themselves for as long as they can, not wanting to change anything within the group as they're dealing with the change between themselves. Seokjin isn't easily fooled though, and he gives both Jimin and Yoongi suspiciously all-knowing looks; but he doesn't force them to spill what secret they've been keeping. They don’t say anything for months, until they get home from an award show that has Yoongi abuzz with excitement and accomplishment. They’re not even halfway into the dorms when Yoongi pulls Jimin close and kisses him, it had been all he’d been thinking of for the longest time, ever since they were handed their award.
It’s probably a sign that the other members don’t even bat an eye, like they’d already known that this was happening, that Yoongi and Jimin had finally given in to their mutual want and desire.
“Called it!” Taehyung shouts in a sing song voice, stifling his giggles when Jin shakes his head and Yoongi flat out glares in his direction.
“Does that mean we’re making a new room schedule?” Hoseok asks, and Jeongguk flails a bit as his face heats, in disbelief of what Hoseok had just implied.
“If we are changing rooms, as the leader, I think it would be best if I roomed with Jin hyung.” Namjoon adds, and hisses in pain as Jin kicks him under the table.
“What everyone means is, we support you both.” Seokjin’s smile is as luminous as always, and they finish dinner with all the regular conversations they normally have.
Yoongi will admit, the scariest thing in his life up to this moment is being pulled aside later that night and given The Talk from Seokjin, who is just one year older than him with probably less experience. He gets to see Jimin’s face heat up in mortification, and can’t help but laugh, so some things are worth it.
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
Everyone has that one thing that makes it easier to wake up each day.
For Jimin, that something is a some one .
He thought everything would change between them. There was even a soft kind of distant worry that Yoongi had kissed him simply because it was Jimin’s birthday, and he’d known that's what Jimin really wanted. But it's not like that, not now.
With Yoongi, Jimin feels whole and happy. He’s content in ways that he never thought he could be, it’s been a long while now of this new relationship, and Jimin wakes up every morning a little less tired and a lot more excited. Each day is brand new, and filled with endless possibilities.
But his favorite part of this whole situation? Definitely the fact that he can take Yoongi’s hand in his, he can ask for kisses (and pout when Yoongi withholds kisses just to see him ask more desperately). He can curl up against Yoongi in bed, watching the older boy get sleepier until his eyes slip shut, and Jimin can enjoy the steady beat of Yoongi’s heart as a lullaby into his own dream filled slumber. He can watch Yoongi writing new lyrics, and he can show off new dance moves, feeling Yoongi’s eyes on him with so much heat and love. It’s something new and exciting that has Jimin’s face lighting up whenever he sees the other, because they share so much more with each other nowadays. Their goals and secrets, their dreams and wants, they let the other fill in the spaces in themselves that feel empty otherwise.
And Jimin lives for the hotness of Yoongi’s hands gripping his hips as they move together in the silence of the night, sweat slicked bodies coming together. Jimin’s gasps and moans, and the tiny crescents left on Yoongi’s shoulders from Jimin’s fingernails, they’re little marks of uncontained passion. Jimin would feel embarrassed, really, at how easily Yoongi’s name slips from his mouth like a mantra, like he’s praying, but whenever he feels heat shading the tips of his ears, eyes heavy and hooded, he just has to look closer at Yoongi. He looks so desperate and at Jimin’s mercy, even though he’s the one in control, Yoongi’s eyes overflow with lust when he looks up at Jimin, and on each long drawn out Yoongi that slips from Jimin’s mouth, the older boys grip tightens just slightly, and Jimin smiles. When it gets too intense some nights, and Jimin’s head falls to rest on Yoongi’s shoulder, mouth panting hotly and dampening the soft skin, he hears Yoongi’s voice whispering close to his ear; You’re beautiful, Jimin . The first time Yoongi had told him that, he’d almost cried, eyes watering softly as tiny hiccups escaped his lips. He’d been so self conscious, so insecure in his own talents and his appearance. But now, with Yoongi’s praise, he just smiles and loses himself.
In these moments, it’s like getting to see everything so clearly, how much they love each other. It never gets old, no matter how many times Yoongi drags Jimin into bed, and they find themselves with few clothes (trying to stifle their noises, depending on if the other members are around). Each time is like the first, because Yoongi never gets tired of holding Jimin and making him fall apart, and Jimin will always feel so much love for Yoongi; who treats him like he’s beautiful, like there isn’t a single thing he’d want to change.
And I thought I saw you out there crying
And I thought I heard you call my name
And I thought I heard you out there crying
Sometimes the stress is just too much. They've been busy for days and weeks on end, so much so that Yoongi finds himself treasuring every precious second of sleep, more than he usually does. He falls into bed and all thoughts are striped from his mind, everything fades away until there's just darkness surrounding him and the soft calmness of a few moments of rest. Even still, until Yoongi feels a warm body and the soft tickle of Jimin’s hair rubbing against his neck, as the boy tucks his head against Yoongi’s chest, he won't find true peace. In these little ways, Jimin demands attention and love, in the only ways he knows to ask for it; subtly and sometimes not at all. It's up to Yoongi to read his body, and by now, a year into their relationship, he feels like he's got His own manual to Jimin. He knows when to push him and when to know when Jimin’s close to breaking.
It's difficult, with their lifestyle, but Yoongi makes Jimin feel loved and cared for in ways the younger boy absolutely needs. Jimin worries sometimes, that he's too needy or not enough or just too much ; and Yoongi holds him close, pulls Jimin into his arms like that's the only place he belongs the most, fitting together easily, before he reassures Jimin that he's just right for someone like Yoongi. It might be silly or ridiculous, and he might have to deal with his fare share of Taehyung’s fake gagging noises and Namjoon’s eye rolls, as he pulls Jimin close whenever the opportunity allows it, just to hold his hand and show him he's loved. But it's always worth it, and Yoongi knows there won't be a time in his life where he’ll ever regret this, where he’ll see this as a regret or look back at it as a simple memory. Jimin is his present as much as he is Yoongi’s future.
Just the same
Some days are rougher than most. Jimin will feel insecure, and Yoongi will feel like he’s never going to be enough for Jimin. They share these insecurities, in the soft sounds of the night, breaths mingling together as they speak in hushed tones. Yoongi isn’t as emotional, but Jimin worries endlessly some days.
You’re perfect, baby.
Yoongi whispers, when the darkness of night is wrapped tightly around them like a blanket. Jimin’s eyes look watery and hesitant, but he smiles nonetheless. He feels better about himself nowadays, more confident, but Yoongi still compliments him like this, with soft words and praise that Jimin loves more than the spotlight.
Jimin presses a soft kiss to Yoongi’s neck, always being too content to say anything but I love you . But those words mean so many other things, and Yoongi knows that.
Both of them have had their fair share of pain and misery throughout their lifetimes, and they're still young and nothing is set in stone, well, not everything. The two of them, two people that make an us or a we not just an I ; they are set in stone. Because even in a world where they weren’t idols, even if they had never met, if they had crossed paths and wondered if there were such things as soulmates. Min Yoongi was always meant for Park Jimin, and Park Jimin was always destined for Min Yoongi. Some things are just meant to be.
No matter how difficult the days get, their nights always end with each other. Saying soft words of praise or sharing in defeat. Yoongi writes day and night, even without a laptop in front of him or a pen in hand. He thinks up beautiful things, and harsh realities, and thanks the universe that he's never far away from the source of his happiness. Jimin dances and sings, practices as hard as he can and sometimes into long hours of the night with sweat dripping down the side of his face and making his shirt cling to him. And on those nights, Yoongi holds out his hand, and Jimin takes it, without fail or hesitation, every single time; like a promise.