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Eva Longoria: Evil Genius

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“Did you see this?” Eva snapped, stomping onto set with a pout on her face. Nobody was there yet except for Marcia, which ruined the effect, but Eva was sure they’d all know soon enough anyway. “Weren’t we supposed to be on the cover of this week’s People?”

“You mean another cover of us as Teri and the Pussycats? The one where she got twenty minutes longer in makeup than we did while we tried not to get drenched in another freak LA rain shower?” Marcia asked, not looking up from her copy of Variety and her chai. “I’m sure we were. Not that I’d know.”

“No, really, Marcia, look at this,” Eva said, glaring at the offending issue of the weekly rag. “Why is a has-been like Aaron Echolls taking up valuable space on the cover? They pushed our picture to the upper right corner…”

Marcia glanced at the People and sighed. “And look, everyone except Teri is basically cut into pieces and unrecognizable. What did Aaron do, exactly? Did he get caught having sex with someone again? I mean, it’s horrible about Lynn, but that’s been off the covers for weeks.”

Eva paused. She had not gotten far enough to actually read the headline. In fact, she’d taken one look at how she had been distorted and put in the top right, and why Nicollette was closer to the center, she did not know and God knew her manager was going to hear about it…

“Lilly Kane?” Marcia asked, pulling the magazine out of Eva’s hands. “Oh, I remember reading about that. That was horrible. She was the daughter of some Microsoft guy, was only like seventeen, and some asshole beat her head in.”

“And Aaron…wants to help out and is offering a reward to find the real killer?” Eva asked, not quite getting it. “That’s really not cover-worthy. Noble, but…”

“No, turns out Aaron killed her,” Marcia said, her face creasing slightly. “That’s horrible.”

“Oh, is that the People with Aaron Echolls on the cover instead of us?” Teri asked, breezing in. “Isn’t that awful? My nose looks pointy in that picture, and you can barely see you guys.”

“Also it’s upsetting because Aaron killed that girl,” Eva said, smirking. Just because she had been bitching about the cover didn’t mean she was all about letting Teri get away with it. Plus, there was evil that could be done here. “She was only seventeen, could you imagine?”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t horrible about Lilly Kane’s murder,” Teri said shrilly. Eva hid a smile. Oh, this was promising. A shrill Teri plus a Marcia who had not finished her morning tea and had no Felicity for backup? The Enquirer would pay handsomely for that. “I was saying…”

“We heard you. It’s awful that your head’s not bigger,” Eva said. “I mean, we can’t even see Marcia, but oh no, it’s an insult to you. It’s like we’re Teri and the Pussycats or something.”

Teri’s expression got even less sunny and she folded her arms. “I’m not fighting with you today, Marcia,” she said, doing exactly what Eva had wanted her to do. “Directly or through an intermediary.”

“I wasn’t aware I was involved in this at all,” Marcia said. “Personally, I think finding justice for this poor kid eclipses our fights about who goes where in the picture for once. But just this once.”

In the battle of Marcia versus Teri, while Marcia usually lost the sweetheart appeal, Teri always lost when Marcia got ironic. And so it was that Teri Hatcher withdrew, and Eva found herself with a knockout in the first round.

“Yeah, except as usual…” Teri sighed. “I’m going back to my trailer. Tell Marc to give me an hour.”

“Have a lovely day,” Marcia said, doing her Bree-voice. Then, when Teri had stomped off, she fixed Eva with a look. “Stop doing that. Ted Casablanca hates me enough already because he thinks I’ve betrayed gayness. I don’t need you manipulating Teri and screwing me over in the process.”

“But it’s fun.”

“And pays your publicist,” Marcia said. “I don’t care. Stop it. They’re going to have to redo her makeup if she cries, and if there’s something we don’t need, it’s Marc in a bitchy mood because you needed a new pair of shoes, okay?”

Eva nodded solemnly. “Hey, didn’t Nicollette work with Aaron a few times? Like, 1981, 1982?” she asked, taking the magazine from Marcia. “Is she scheduled to work today?”

Marcia sighed and waved her off. Eva, content, deciding to go looking for her next target.

This was going to be better than the time Eva asked Felicity all about David Duchovny for JC (JC had this weird X-Files thing, and for some reason they’d gotten all into Duchovny’s dick size, and then he’d remembered Felicity had been dating Duchovny for thirty seconds), and they hadn’t even started filming yet.

It was a good day to be an evil genius. Yet again.