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How Some Girls Are

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A natural consequence of putting Annie (control freak) and Abed (fond of rituals) in the same apartment was the creation of Saturday brunch. It started life as Saturday breakfast, but as it became more clear that nobody was getting out of bed on Saturdays before noon except Annie, brunch was adopted as the more accurate name.

Approximately 65% of the time, brunch consisted of cold cereal for everyone. If Britta woke up early and felt generous, there might be muffins. If Annie's nervous energy directed itself to the kitchen, there might be pancakes. If Troy was feeling amenable to being sweet-talked, there might be French toast.

(Once, Abed felt like he wanted to contribute to the group activity in a consumable way. That day, there was homemade pain au chocolat and raspberry compote, with hand-whipped cream. It was stunning and disorienting. They all asked Abed to please never do that again.)

Sometimes, never more than one weekend in three, Jeff would drop by on Saturday mornings. He always made it clear that it was a natural consequence of his daily run by being artfully dripping with sweat and wearing sweatshirt cut away at the neck and sleeves to show off his manhood. (Not that manhood. The metaphorical-muscular kind.)

It happened to be one of these Saturdays when Annie made her announcement.

"You guys," she said brightly, sitting down at the table while Troy soaked bread in egg and milk and Abed counted plates out of the cabinet. (This week Abed had taken on the task of sweet-talking Troy, expressing his disappointment over Animal Practice being cancelled, the plight of television shows featuring trained animals as regular characters, and the possibility that carbs could heal his heart.) "You guys, guess what!"

"Chicken butt!" Britta said, pouring glasses of orange juice for everyone. "Guess what, chicken butt, guess why, chicken thigh..."

"Stop immediately," Jeff said, taking a glass away.

"Hater of fun." Britta flipped her hair and turned to Annie. "Tell us."

"I," Annie said proudly, "am officially a bisexual!"

Jeff dropped his glass. Troy dropped his spatula. Abed put the plates back in the cabinet. "Nobody's eating now, for sure."

"It's an adjective, not a noun, Annie," Britta said. "You offically are bisexual, not a bisexual."

"Grammar, Britta?" Troy asked. "Really? Now?"

"What do you mean officially?" Jeff asked. "Did the sexuality fairy leave a certificate under your pillow last night?"

"Well, if she did, she had it easy, because my bed was empty!" Annie beamed at all of them. "I had a one-night stand last night! With a girl!"

"Do people still say one-night stand?" Abed frowned. "I don't think they do."

"Questioning the expiration date of slang, Abed?" Troy asked. "Really? Now?"

Annie rolled her eyes. "I hooked up with a girl last night. I went home with a girl last night. A girl put her tongue in my--"

"And let's just pause this playback right now," Jeff said. "I need a minute."

"Me too," Troy said. He and Jeff looked at each other for a moment, then walked out of the kitchen and into Troy and Abed's bedroom.

Annie frowned as the door closed behind them. "I don't think that had quite the effect they wanted it to."

"Who was she?" Britta asked. "Where did you meet her? Was she cuter than me?"

"That's interesting, can we rewind to that?" Abed leaned on the counter, staring at Britta.

"Rewind to what? I asked if she was cute."

"You asked if she was cuter than you," Annie said, "which is weird. And I wasn't doing much comparing. We met at the Disco Night dance at Greendale. The one last night that I invited you all to and you all blew me off about."

Britta clutches her orange juice with both hands. "You hooked up with a disco lesbian?"

"Why is lesbian a noun if bisexual is an adjective?" Abed frowned. "That doesn't make sense."

"Abed, could you please go check on Troy and Jeff?" Britta pointed forcefully toward the bedroom door, splashing orange juice across the table. "Now?"

Annie watched Abed go and frowned at Britta. "What was that for?"

"This seemed like maybe it should be girl talk."

"I was happy to talk about it in front of everybody, I don't know why everyone got so weird. It's just sex."

"Sex with a girl, Annie."

"I know!" Annie waved her hands in the air. "It was so great! Girls really know what they're doing! Or at least Shonna did."

"Shonna." Britta made a face like the name was sour. "Shonna the disco lesbian."

"She's really nice and I am never going to see her again, just like a real one-night stand!"

"Abed's right, that's not a thing people say."

"Well, whatever." Annie slumped in her chair. "Why aren't you happy for me?"

"I am happy for you, sweetie! I'm so happy for you. It's just I didn't expect this."

"Neither did I! That's what made it so exciting."

"But that's also what makes it not part of the plan!"

Annie frowned again. "Plan? What plan?"

"Nothing. No plan. I misspoke."

"Are you hungover? That's the second time you've misspoken in like two minutes."

"I'm being Freudian all over the place, it's awful. Don't let me talk anymore."

"First you have to explain that plan thing."

"There's no plan!"


"Promise you won't get mad."


"In my overall, general, not-at-all-official outline of how the rest of our time at Greendale is supposed to go... you have your questioning-your-sexuality experience with me, right before graduation." Britta bit her lip. "And Troy and Abed adopt a puppy two months from now, but then Jeff takes it away six weeks after that. It's okay, though, because they adopt a kitten next, and it turns out a kitten is much more suited to their lifestyle."

Annie went stock-still in her chair. "Are you serious?"

Britta clapped her hands over her face. "About which part?"

"You want... you want me to..."

"Not necessarily want! I mean, I do want. But what I said was that it was part of my outline, that's all."

"You want to have sex with me."

Britta let go of her face and waved her hands in the air. "In a non-objectifying way!"

"Well..." Annie looked around. "Well, I mean, I feel flattered, not objectified, and we're good friends, and you have a really amazing body."

"You think so?" Britta beamed at her. "In a non-objectifying way?"

"Completely non-objectifying." Annie sat up straighter and smiled, shaking out her hair. "You want to make out?"

"I do! Yes! But I'm gross. I haven't brushed my teeth or anything."

"I guess I'm kind of gross, too. I need a shower. I still smell like Shonna." Annie blushed furiously. "I mean, I smell like Shonna's perfume. Not Shonna's... whatever."

Britta looks at the clock. "Let's meet back here in half an hour?"

"Here, like the table? Or the couch? Or your room? Or mine?"

They both looked over at the door the guys had vanished through.

"Your room," Britta said decisively. "Maybe put some music on, too."


Annie showered, changed into a camisole-and-panty set, made her bed, and put on a Pandora playlist called "Girl Kissing" by the time the half-hour was up. She climbed on the bed and lay on her stomach, crossing her legs at the knees and shoving her chest forward so her cleavage would be the first thing Britta would see when she walked through the door. That seemed objectifying, though, so she flipped onto her back and put her feet up against the headboard. A glance in the mirror confirmed that that looked like she was doing a particularly useless and made-up style of yoga, so she sat up with her back to the door, but that was rude, so she got off the bed and stood there like a waiter, which was even more stupid, so--

Britta opened the door. She was wearing a bathrobe.

"Oh, were we going for... " Annie waved her hand at her. "That sort of thing?"

"I thought this was a pre-planned hookup. Like, with malice aforethought."

"You need to not watch Law & Order, Britta."

"Whatever." Britta came inside and looked around. "How do you want to do this?"

Annie looked around as well. "Well, there's the bed? And... really not that much room otherwise."

"I wasn't sure if you'd prefer standing up or lying down."

Annie tilted her head. "How would that even..." She shrugged at Britta's look. "I'm new at this, okay?"

Britta got on the bed and lay down on her back, staring at the ceiling. "This works, I think."

Annie sat down on the foot of the bed, then crawled up closer to Britta. "You're just going to lie there?"

"I don't want to overwhelm you."

"You kind of look like a mannequin or a sexbot or something. A Real Doll. Please move. Smiling would also be good. Demonstrating some kind of attraction toward me."

Britta groaned and put her hands over her face again. "I'm new at this too, okay, Annie? I don't know what I'm doing here."

"Oh!" Annie grabbed Britta's wrists and pulled her hands away. "That's good!"

"It's not good! I was supposed to usher you into womanhood and I am totally not."

"Usher me into... Britta!" Annie smacked her arm. "I am already in womanhood, thank you very much!"

"I'm just being honest!"

"Okay. Look. Let's just..." Annie shook her head and climbed on top of Britta, lying down chest to chest. "We'll start with kissing. That's simple."

Neither of them moved. They lay there and stared at each other for a long moment.

"So are you going to kiss me or what?" Britta asked.

"You just said you wanted to make the first move."

"Oh my god, Britta." Annie kissed her, fast and close-lipped. "Okay?"

"That wasn't a kiss!"

"It was too!"

"That was like how you would kiss your grandmother! Or Abed!"

Annie made a noise of frustration and kissed Britta again, harder this time. With tongue. "How was that?" she demanded when she pulled back.

"Better," Britta said faintly. "Much better."

Annie put her hands inside Britta's robe, one over each breast. "Is this okay?"

"Yes. That's good. You can... do as much of that as you want." Britta's eyes were really wide. "Should I do something with yours?"

"Please." There were bite marks on Annie's breasts from Shonna. Britta didn't seem to mind, though; she just pulled them up out of the top of Annie's camisole and started rubbing them carefully. Annie sighed softly and did the same, pressing her thumbs against Britta's nipples as she leaned down to kiss her again.

Britta's mouth tasted like toothpaste with a hint of coffee behind it. The combination was actually kind of gross, but the longer they kissed, the less Annie minded. Making out was great.

"This is really hot," Britta panted. "You're really good at it."

"So are you." Annie turned her head to kiss Britta's neck. She felt kind of bold, like she could do anything. "Can I touch you?"

"You are touching me."

"No, I mean, can I touch you down there?"

"Annie." Britta pulled back. "If you're going to be having sex, you need to be able to say the parts you mean."

"Okay." Annie glared at her. "Can I touch your vagina?"

"Unlikely, since that's internal, but you may touch my clitoris and vulva."

Annie sat up. "I'm not sure I want to now."

Britta rolled her eyes and squeezed Annie's nipple. Annie huffed a sharp breath and brought her thigh up between Britta's, pressing it against her crotch. Britta was wet already, her pubic hair sticky and rough against Annie's thigh. That was both flattering and hot.

Britta rubbed against Annie's thigh and gasped a little. "Can I have fingers, too?"

"Demanding." But also even more flattering. Annie slipped her hand down between them, rubbing two fingers against Britta's clit.

Britta made a squeaking noise and arched up off the bed. "Oh, that's fun! Do that again."


"Sorry." Annie was not sorry. She wanted to make Britta do that again. Classic stimulus-response. Who knew sex could be all scientific? She should write a paper for this for Professor Duncan.

"Annie," Britta wailed. "Why are you stopping?"

"Oh!" Annie shook her head and started moving her fingers again. "I got distracted."


"Sorry." Annie leaned down and kissed Britta again. "I'm focused now. Totally."

Britta wailed again when she came, and Annie had a brief thought that the guys were probably pressed up to the wall of Troy and Abed's room listening, but before she could really break that down Britta was flipping her over and pinning her down to the bed.

"What do you want me to do?" Britta asked breathlessly. "Keeping in mind that it will be my first time at any of it."

Annie waved her hand toward her bedside table. "My vibrator's in the drawer."

"Oh, thank god." Britta climbed off her and reached for the drawer. "Good choice. I'm like a world champion with one of those."

That was a true statement. The noise Annie made was more like screaming than wailing. She wasn't sure if she should apologize to the guys when she saw them, or pretend that absolutely nothing had happened.

She'd worry about that later.


Britta wanted to cuddle after, and after a few awkward attempts at finding a position that didn't feel weird, they ended up spooned together with their heads on Annie's pillows.

"That was awesome," Britta said. "Can we do it again? Soon?"

"I have a midterm on Wednesday. Sex would be a good celebration for it being over."

"I have a lot to teach you about the joy of spontaneity and not scheduling things, Annie."

"Today was spontaneous." Annie rubbed her hand over Britta's hip. "So... is this not just a hookup, then? Is it a thing?"

"What kind of thing, though? You mean are we dating?"

"I don't know. Are we?"

"We haven't gone on a date."

"But we've had sex. We're totally falling into the stereotype of the slutty bisexual."

"So now we have to date."

"But I kind of like being single. And potentially promiscuous."

Britta frowned. "We could be friends with benefits."

"Yes!" Annie beamed and snuggled up closer to her. "That sounds perfect."

"We just can't let it turn into that crappy movie."

Annie sighed. "You realize that now Abed's going to be doing his best to make that happen."

"I'm on it!" came Abed's voice through the wall.

Annie and Britta looked at each other for a moment. "Worry about that later," they sighed in unison, and closed their eyes.