Work Header

The Diary of Emo Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day back after a three day weekend.
Over the weekend I decided to research my Grandfather, Darth Vader. (Mom and Dad did not approve.)
I decided to change my name from Ben Solo to Kylo Ren.
Dad laughed in my face when I told him, and Mom quietly shook her head behind him. I'm sure they laughed at Darth Vader at first too.
But then I went to school.
I asked the office to change my name on all the forms, and the secretary said no and escorted me out.
The teachers kept calling me Ben.
My life is a constant struggle.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,
Today at lunch I was sitting down outside calligraphing on the front of my binder, when someone walked up to me and introduced himself as Hux.
He informed me he had enjoyed the debate I had carried out in class, even if my sources hadn't been updated since 2002.
He too wears all black and I saw no sign of him having any friends.
We agreed to continue to hang out.
Although, I had a slight regret to do so after he pointed out how poorly the crusts had been cut off my sandwich.
I did not tell him that I stopped letting Mom do it as an act of rebellion and now have to do it myself.
Which is harder than it looks.
Mom makes everything look easy.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,
Today in Art we presented our watercolour projects to the class.
Mine was of Darth Vader.
When I showed mine, this scruffy girl who hangs around the metal shop rolled her eyes very obviously at my painting. (She may have done so just to spite me.)
I don't think girls understand why Darth Vader is cool.
Also, I went over to Hux's house and made a mixed tape.
When I got home, while I was listening to it, my dad ran in the room and started trying to imitate Amy Lee.
I Force-slammed the door in his face. (I'm getting better at it now.)
Dad doesn't understand me, only you do, Grandpa.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,
I found out that the girl in my art class is named Rey.
She wanted to show me some metal thing she made in Shop, so I agreed to go to her shack of a house.
And there was sand everywhere!
Who has sand in their house???
It got in my shoes and hair, and she wouldn't stop laughing at me.
Then when I got home, I tried to open a new jar of peanut butter, and I swear it was superglued closed.
I tried to use the Force to open it, but instead the cabinets fell off the walls and the fridge doors flew across the room.
I am now banned from the kitchen, even after it has been repaired.
Also, I never got the jar open.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I was bored so I decided to invite Rey over to play video games on my X-Box.
While I was waiting I informed Mom and Dad that a girl was coming over and Dad gave me a weird look where he grinned and wiggled his eyebrows and Mom quietly asked him something about 'rubbers', whatever those are.
When Rey arrived I explained that the first few levels were difficult to get passed and that it takes time, but while I was talking she beat the boss level.
Mom seemed to take a shine to her, and has informed that I should invite people over more often.
Dad just kept giving me thumbs up for like an hour straight.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today at lunch I was sitting with Hux and I saw Rey fooling around with those two loons; the one who thinks he's so cool just because he has a pilot license, and the other who follows everyone around like a puppy.
I am not sure how to feel about her hanging around other guys.
Hux told me women are a weakness.
He said this as a tall, rather scary girl, with a silver jacket and short hair passed by, and she stopped in her steps and asked him to repeat what he had said.
He did, and she punched him square in the face and told him that it was in fact him who was a weakness if he couldn't be with a woman without controlling his emotions.
She then told us her name was Phasma, and I offered that she sit with us.
Hux stayed quiet the rest of lunch while holding a tissue to his bleeding nose.
I still am unsure of what to do about Rey.
Grandpa, help me.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I was quietly serenading Darth Vader's helmet while Hux was over and he said that I wasn't that bad.
He suggested we start a band, although maybe after my voice has changed, especially since it cracked quite unexpectedly during our poem reading in English today.
I would be on base and vocals, and Hux could play keyboard.
Hux also said that we could get Phasma too, since she plays drums.
I suggested inviting Rey, but Hux just gave me a look.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Mom got upset with me after getting an email home about me refusing to participate in gym class.
It's not my fault all the games are stupid.
Mom said to make an effort or don't go at all.
I then said I wouldn't go at all, but she then got more angry and told me to go vacuum the wookie hair off the carpets.
I hate school.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,
I have now vacuumed all the carpets but my black clothes are covered in that stupid furball's hair.
I asked Rey if she wanted to come over and help me lint roll wookie hair off my clothes and she responded with "Like I have nothing else to do."
I couldn't tell if that was sarcasm or not, but she came anyway.
She said she liked my leather chair and my keyboard.

Today was better than a usual day.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today in gym the teacher decided to take us to the forest to play 'Mantracker', which I loath because I always get mud on my shoes and I always get caught first.
While the tracker was counting, Rey ran up to me, GRABBED MY HAND, and showed me 'the best hiding spot'.
We sat together in a hole covered with leaves for 43 minutes exactly (I kept track) until the whistle was blown and we had won the game.
Also, Hux spoke to Phasma and we now have a band, and we will be practicing on Thursday afternoons in Phasma's garage.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I was sitting with Phasma after school, and while I picked out all the gross colored M&Ms from the bag (I only eat the red ones) Phasma asked me if 'Hux was single'.
I replied with "Is Hux a single what?"
She then stopped talking and ate my green and blue M&Ms for me.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

We had our first band practice today.
We spent most of the three hours arguing over a band name.
Hux wants to call it 'Grand Moff Jerjerrod', and I was thinking '21 TIE Fighter Pilots', and Phasma just listened to us bicker.
Eventually we played a bit, but Hux still thinks I should wait until my voice changes.
When I got home I ordered a voice changer online.
We'll see what Hux has to say then!

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I got my helmet and voice changer today.
Words can not describe how hard Dad laughed when I came downstairs this morning.
Don't worry, I bet people laughed at Darth Vader's helmet too.
Of course, he needed it to live.
But in a sense, now that I have a helmet too, I don't know if I could live without mine.
And everyone still calls me Ben. Except Hux and Phasma.
And Rey I suppose, although she doesn't call me anything because I don't think she knows what name to use.
But I noticed she calls that idiot 'Peanut'.
I am not sure what to think of that.

Kylo Ren

And no, I am not jealous, I just think it's pretty stupid to call someone the same name as a food.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Mom has desperately been trying to get me to cut my hair.
I don't want to.
If it's longer, then maybe people will stop calling me 'Big Ears Ben'.
But I then woke up to find her and Dad trying to cut my hair in my sleep.
I am now staying at Hux's until I can trust them to leave me alone.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Wookie Life Day is a bullshit holiday.
It's tomorrow, and apparently Mom and Dad feel the need to invite every person they have ever spoken to to come for a big reunion to celebrate.
Uncle Lando, Uncle Luke, all of Dad's weird friends, the Ewoks, and a bunch of droids are all coming, plus Mom's friends.
Mom said I could 'invite one friend'.
I invited Hux, but he said "I would rather burn my Leni Riefenstahl movies."
I believe that's a no.
And Phasma is at some boot camp thing right now.
I am considering inviting Rey, although I don't want her to meet my stupid family.
Grandpa, I need your guidance.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I have invited Rey.
She asked me what to wear.
I said "Something nice."
She told me she doesn't own dresses, and asked if I wanted to skip school tomorrow to go shopping.
I am considering it.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I have considered it.
I am skipping school and going shopping tomorrow with Rey.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

So Rey and I went shopping for her dress.
I pointed out that she didn't need to spend her money on something as dumb as a party hosted by my family, but she insisted that she wanted to make a good impression on 'the rest of her FRIEND'S family'.
I stood uncomfortably in a girl's store while she looked at 100 different dresses.
I suggested a black dress.
She said she wanted a white one.
Eventually she settled for a gray one that flowed around her, making her look like an angel.


I wish I hadn't written that in black pen.
It's not erasing.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I hate everyone.
Especially the Ewoks.
Everyone has song that stupid song at least 20 times already.
Also, they have forced Rey into their tribe, and have done up her hair while she laughed and held those ugly baby bears.
Lando and Dad are drunk out of their minds, Mom has pulled out embarrassing pictures of me as a child to show her friends, and Uncle Luke has been creepily watching everyone from the corner of the room.
I want everyone to leave.
Except Rey.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

This is all bullshit.
Uncle Luke approached Rey and informed her that he could sense her potential.
He said, "I don't really use it anymore, maybe you could train with it."
He's never seen my potential!
I am very strong with the Force!
Maybe there's a difference in strength between genders.
Either way, I shall make my own lightsaber to prove my worth.
Also, the Ewoks are still singing.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Rey passed out after being challenged by Lando to a drinking challenge.
I can't wake her up, so I carried her upstairs and she is now sleeping on my bed.
Dad and Lando are calling crude things up the stairs, but I am ignoring them.



What does "bone her" mean?



Rey was shivering, so I found an old shirt of mine and put it on her over her dress.
I have prepared to sleep on the floor.
I hope when I wake up the Ewoks will be gone.
I never asked to be in their tribe.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Rey snores.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I was woken up again by Rey as she yelled "Give me drugs!"
She is now laying on my cold floor to help soothe her headache, which is what 'the drugs' that she wanted would help with.
I had to sneak into Mom's closet to see if she had any.
That was a mistake.
There was something gold and metal and I touched before I even realized what it was.
I am never going in her closet again.
I told Rey that the floor would have to do for now.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Rey puked her guts out into the toilet and then drank about 4 kegs of water.
She said she was really hot and then took off her dress and now is only wearing my shirt.
I am trying not to look at the obvious.
To distract her from being sick, I have her looking through my vinyl record collection.
She suggested that when she felt better, she could come over to listen to some because 'she's never heard music before'.
I gasped a bit too loudly when she said that.
We agreed to have a sleepover next week.
I will show her my Imperial March vinyl first, because it is my most prized.
You don't really appreciate the Imperial March until you've heard it on vinyl.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I went to Hot Topic and bought some new eyeliner.
While I was applying it I got a rather large chunk in my eye.
Rubbing my eye only made it worse.
Mom was at a meeting so Dad took me to a medical bay.
I now have a temporary eye patch and have to put drops in my eyes twice a day.
What kind of eye product has ammonia in it?

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Because of my eye Rey and I rescheduled our sleepover.
Also, Phasma is back from her boot camp thing so we started band practice again.
She was wearing purple lipstick and Hux said it made her look like she had hypothermia.
She then sat at her drum kit and played the beat for "Going Under".
He's going down.
It's his own fault though, I told him to stop making her angry.
Hux doesn't listen to me.
Phasma is very loyal though.
She didn't tell anyone when she found out that I buy Garnier Fructis or that I sleep with a piece of Darth Vader's cape.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Dad said he doesn't understand the point in wearing eyeliner when I wear a helmet anyways.
Dad doesn't understand me.
But then again, Dad doesn't understand anything.
Nobody understands me.
Only you, Grandpa.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Some person at school laughed and pointed at me and said that the ends of my hair were sticking out the back of my helmet.
Rey ran out of nowhere and defended me, saying that 'she thought it was cute'.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Band practice was ok today.
We started writing our first song.
I wish more words rhymed with Darth Vader.
That's ok, not all songs sound the same.
Hux said he had a present for me and Phasma.
We then agreed we should all exchange gifts tomorrow.
Now I have to find a present for Phasma and Hux.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I got Hux a moleskine for his speeches, and I got Phasma a shirt that says: 'My clothes do not define me.'
They were both quite pleased, and Hux got me a poster of Darth Vader for my locker.
I already have the same one but full size, but the thought was nice.
Phasma got me a gift certificate for a place online that sells Kyber crystals, so I can make my lightsaber.
I ordered it when I got home.
Shipping is fucking expensive.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Hux was sick at school today, so I decided to hang out with Rey at lunch.
I was talking about my hatred of sand, when Rey admitted that she has only ever seen sand or snow.
I got an idea, and asked if she was free tomorrow after school.
She said "Yes.", and "What for?"
I told her it was a surprise.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

So after school Rey came home with me (she was wearing the tunic I lent to her at the family reunion, she looks good in black) and I saw that Mom and Dad had left to go out and had left The Falcon here, as predicted.
Though I do not have my pilot's license, I flew the ship and took her to where the surprise was.
We got off the Falcon, and Rey smiled at all the greenery.
Rey asked what the surprise was, and I told her she had to wait.
While we waited, I pulled out my record player and put in one of my vinyls. (Underneath the protection of one of the ship's wings of course, to stop any damage..)
At that moment, while Bring Me to Life started to play, it started to downpour.
Rey looked up and the sky and laughed in a way that I would jar it if I could.
She jumped and twirled and giggled and shouted and skipped in the rain, until pulling me out from under the wing and making me jump around in the rain with her.
After she was done, we sat on the ramp of the ship and I gave her a blanket but instead she sat beside me and wrapped us both in it.
She thanked me for being 'such a wonderful person'.
She then kissed my forehead and rested on my shoulder.
Today was a good day, Grandpa.
And I didn't even have to call her M'Lady.
Of course, I am grounded for taking Dad's ship, but it was worth it.


Kylo Ren

P.S. Rey is literally made of sand. She kisses my forhead and I now have a bucket of sand in my hair.
Fuck sand.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Phasma, Hux and I have decided to have a party.
It must be done while my parents are off on a 'business trip', which will be in two days.
Phasma is bringing beer, and I told her to bring dark craft.
She says no person in high school likes dark craft beer.
Hux said he shall bring cups.
Hux sucks at party planning.
Since the party will be at my house, I must prepare properly for it.
Which means the upstairs will be off limits, so if people want to have sex, they will have to do it downstairs.
I am inviting Rey, and I hope she wants to come.
This time I may keep her away from the alcohol.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Dad knocked over my Death Star model.
He didn't apologize.
He just said that people should stop making Death Stars.
I couldn't stop shaking.
Hux came over for moral support and said that we can make another this weekend.
Also, Rey and I went to Starbucks.
They wrote 'Kyle Ron' on my cup.
I had to stop myself from throwing the cup in the cashier's face.
I then invited Rey to the party tomorrow.
She said she would come, but asked to bring her two stupid friends.
I agreed.
I am regretting that decision now.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Mom and Dad left in the afternoon as planned, then I called Phasma and Hux to come over and finish getting ready.
Phasma brought the beer as promised (and thank god or else people might have left the party).
Hux brought those stupid red solo cups.
He knew where the line was.
He crossed it.
I am not speaking to him now.
People started to show up and then finally Rey came with her stupid friends.
She introduced them as 'Finn' and 'Poe'.
To get the ball rolling, I thought about playing a game.
Poe suggested 'spin the bottle'.
Rey asked if she could spin first.
It landed on Hux, and I quickly stopped the game by pointing out the alcohol on the table.
It was a close call.
Hux is currently discussing his debates from class with a group of people, Phasma is owning everybody at shots (apparently she brought other alcohol too), and Rey is conversing with her friends.
I went upstairs to find two people making out in the hallway, and they wouldn't move so I had to step over them to get to my room, which is where I am now, currently trying to come up with a plan to get Rey away from Poe and Finn, and how to make Hux leave, since his presence is annoying me.


Kyo REn

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Hux left finally.
Apparently he had 'plans' for early tomorrow morning.
Some other people left too, and Phasma had to leave because she didn't feel well.
Though I give her props, she held her alcohol pretty well until then.
Then Finn and Poe were 'cuddling' on the couch and some guy started laughing at them, and to my surprise, Rey stepped in and got into a fist fight with him.
When I say fist fight, I mean she mercilessly punched him until myself and Poe drgged her off.
She is now hiding on the roof, until everyone else leaves.
Also, I have found that playing the Imperial March on repeat at a party is not ideal when no one else appreciates Darth Vader.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I currently have two have naked guys *cough cough* Poe and Finn *cough cough* sleeping in MY bed, three or four people passed out in the yard, plus a huge amount of garbage all over the house.
Rey offered to help me clean in exchange for sleeping over here tonight.
I agreed, but told her she had to go wake up her idiot friends so I can burn my sheets.
She then asked if there was beer left, so I tried to show her how strong I am with the Force by opening the cap (we could not find the bottle opener) but she then pointed out after five minutes that it was a twist off.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I gave up my room to Finn and Poe who we were unable to wake up.
I suppose I'll have to wait until tomorrow to burn my sheets.
Rey fell asleep on the couch, so I guess I'll be sleeping on the carpet.
She really needs to do something about her snoring.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,


Hux came over today and we built a new Death Star model.
It's bigger and better.
We weren't speaking before because of what happened at the party, but he just kind of showed up so I suppose we are talking again.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Uncle Lando is visiting right now.
He is actaully the worst.
He said I looked like a depressed lampshade with my helmet on.
Everyone laughed.
Also, Rey has invited me to go on a 'camping trip' with her.
I agreed to go, though I loathe the wilderness.
There are no showers or coffee there.
She said it will be just us and the trees.
I have a bad feeling about this.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Hux came over this morning while I was packing for my trip with Rey.
He has started smoking, and I got mad at him because he was making my vintage black curtains smell like smoke, plus I didn't want Mom to run in yelling at us about smoking in the house.
Rey came and picked me up in a ship she borrowed from Poe.
She doesn't have a license, so we are screwed if we get caught.
The trip to wherever we are going takes overnight, and I am currently manning the auto pilot while Rey sleeps.
This ship is crap, but not as crap as the Falcon.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Hey guys!
I was going to update, but colourmyworldbright gave me the idea that maybe I will give you guys a "sample" of my detailed writing so I can get some feedback on whether or not I should write a separate Reylo fanfiction.
So anyhoo, my question is, should I give you guys the "sample" by writing the next chapter of The Diary of Emo Kylo Ren (or TDOEKR for short :p) in detail and not as a diary entry?
(Btw, that would mean the chapter in which they go 'camping'.)
Or should I just leave you guys be to read and I can go away and whatever?
Tell me what you think!
I'll wait until I get some responses before I update :)
And thank you and shoutout to colourmyworldbright (btw, her reylo fic is awesome!)


Thefandomfanatic <3

Chapter Text

I sit at the controls of the ship.
I look closer and see the layers of grime across the motherboard.
Mental note to not touch anything in the ship.
God, it is a piece of shit.
I can hear Rey snoring on the small bed behind me, and I am careful not to wake her. My eyes feel heavy, and I try to not fall asleep. I pull out a sharpie from my bag and start to colour on my converse, but slowly everything starts to fuzz out.


"Oh my god!"
My eyes snap open and Rey is pushing me out of my chair. I fall to my ass on the hard floor.
"Hey!" I shout at her, and she is frantically pressing a bunch of buttons at once.
The ship shakes and shutters, and I quickly stand up beside her. "What's going on?"
"I don't know, nothing's working!" She whips and looks at me, an angry expression plastered to her face. "Maybe if you hadn't fallen asleep-"
"Do you know how many times I stay awake when you nap, when you are over at my house? You are the loudest snorer-"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Because I am always behind on sleep whenever you stay over-"
"You could sleep in another room-"
"It's my house!"
The ground beneath us shakes violently and Rey tumbles against me. I catch her, and gasp as I see us ready to collide with the ground.
"Quick!" I say, grabbing her hand.
I grab my bag, hand it to Rey, hurriedly pull on the parachute, grab her, and jump out the side.
We wrap our arms around each other as we float safely, not wanting Rey to fall to her death. Rey gasps in horror as the ship flies into a marsh, sparks flying and metal groaning.
The parachute drops us to the heavily forested swamp, and I cringe as we land in mud. I let go of Rey and sigh deeply.
"What?" She snaps, brushing her clothes off.
"My shoes are all muddy." I mumble, looking at the gross muck covering my brand new sneakers.
"That's what you're worried about?" She practically yells. "We just kriffing crashed the ship-"
"Oh, calm down." I roll my eyes.
Rey shoves my bag at me and starts towards where the ship landed, about a kilometer away.
"You're going in there?" I ask, looking past her at the dark foliage. I ignore the voice crack I just had and shake my head. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Well, what?" Rey scoffs. "Are you just hoping the ship will come find us? Start walking, MCR."
She continues and I quickly catch up with her, not wanting to be left alone.
"Rey, my socks are wet."
"Stop whining."
"Easy for you to say!" I say, nearly tripping over a branch. "You live in the wilderness."
"I have a house!"
"If you can call that a house.." I mutter.
Suddenly I feel something moving in my hair, and raise a hand to feel.
I see the biggest spider in the galaxy crawl up my arm and I unintentionally screech.
I shake my hand violently and throw off my bag and shirt, while hopping up and down.
Rey is laughing so hard she's on the ground, and I slowly inspect my belongings for the evil arachnid.
"It was really big." I try to justify my reaction, but she simply shakes her head and turns back around, moving a hanging stick out of the way. "Look!" She smiles and points.
I walk up beside her while slipping back into my shirt and see the ship sitting in the marsh.
"How are we going to get it out?" She looks up at me, hoping for an answer.
"Don't worry- I got this." I stride past her and raise my hand to focus on the ship.
Yoda did it, how hard can it be?
The ship trembled and then sinks even deeper in the water until we can't see it.
I look back at Rey, who has her face in her hands.
"Well, it's harder than it looks, apparently." I shrug. "What should we do now?"
Rey groans in frustration. "Well, I guess in two days when your parents see we haven't come back, they'll look for us." She replies.
"You are joking, right?"
"Well, you just sank our only means of getting out here!"
I raise an eyebrow. "Well, actually, it was already sinking..."
"Shut up!" Rey sits down, and I scrunch up my face at the idea of voluntarily chilling in mud.


'Dear Diary,' I write, still refusing to sit on the disgusting ground.
'Rey is currently building a fire to keep us warm tonight.
I sank the ship trying to impress her.
Luke is a lier. I bet Yoda never did any of that shit.'
I pause, thinking about my next words.
'PSHG. (Stands for: Please send help, Grandpa.)'
I sign my name at the bottom, silently hoping Grandpa can see me right now.
"Rey, maybe if we focus, we can send out some sort of distress call. Like a signal. I bet my mother will feel it." I suggest, crouching next to her.
"Maybe." Rey closes her eyes and sticks out her hand, and I take it, following her action.
Come on, Mom.
I feel some sort of ripple.
"Did you feel that?" Rey giggles. "I think that was a reply!"
She sits back down with a sigh, looking towards the starry night.
"I guess we'll just wait now." I say, sitting down beside her.
The fire is warm against my skin, and Rey leans her head onto my shoulder.
"Sorry I yelled at you earlier." She says. "I was just tense."
"I'm sorry, too." I reply.
I wrap an arm around, and look up at the stars too.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Mom did feel our Force message.
She came and found us, and brought Dad, Chewbacca, Uncle Lando, Uncle Luke, Artoo, Threepeeo, and an entire tribe of Ewoks.
I freaked out and asked her why she would do such a thing, and she replied with "Just in case".
Just in case of what???
And Poe took his ship getting sunk pretty well.
I am never setting foot in the wild ever again.
I am still trying to get little bits of nature out of my hair and I've put my sneakers through the wash three times.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today I got into an argument with Hux in the locker room about if the line is "That's so wizard", or "That is so wizard".
Hux ended up tackling me while I was still changing into my jeans.
Some guy walked in on us with him on top of me with his hands around my throat.
There is now a rumor at school we are gay for each other.
Hux didn't show up to band practice, so Phasma and I made up a song about sand.
A sample:

Gets in your socks,
gets in your britches.
Show me some;
I'll show you a digit.
I hate sand,

and so on, so forth.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Hux has informed me he will not talk to me in public until the rumor has died over.
He needs to stop smoking, but I think he's having some sort of breakdown right now.
I can't be sure, since he doesn't talk about his personal life much.
I feel badly for him, not that I would admit it.
To make matters worse, Rey fought with me about the whole not-talking-to-Hux thing.
She claims there are worse things in the galaxy than people thinking you are dating someone.
I tried to explain that she just didn't get it.
I called her a mean name.
She stormed off, and I didn't speak to her after.
I am in need of advice, Grandpa.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

How the fuck did the Starbucks people get 'Styled Men' from 'Kylo Ren'????


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today was a conflicting and confusing day, Grandpa.

Hux called me up, and he was drunk and upset, so I came over.
He seems to be having some sort of midlife crisis (as I predicted) and is emotionally unstable right now.
Either way, I write this as he is asleep beside me.
I don't know really how it started or who started it, but I am not sure about how I feel.
I feel it was more of a pity fuck, but we shall see where this leads.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Hux didn't come to school today.
He hasn't talk to me since it happened.
Rey isn't talking to me either.
I talked to Phasma, but she said not to involve her because she doesn't like drama.
Plus, my crystal finally came in the mail, but it broke in the box.
Since I don't want to buy and wait for another, I decided to use it anyways.
The lightsaber is a bit dodgy, but it still looks cool.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Dairy,

Using a lightsaber with a cross guard is tricky.
I find that putting lots and lots of ice on your gashing wounds helps numb the pain.
Dad said to stop using up all the ice, and I have a pile of ripped and burnt shirts I now have to hide from Mom.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

I sit on my bed with a wad of bandages I stole from Mom's cabinet.

They won't stay on my chest, they just keep falling apart.


It unravels again, and I throw the cloth across the room.


I growl in frustration.

It's not my fault that crossguards are hard to use.

I look at my body in the mirror, little burns and cuts here and there, with one particularity long one on my stomach.


Turning around with a sigh, I open my door just a crack, and Mom is there.

I make sure she can't see my wounds, because I know she would just flip out.

"Hux is at the door." She says, glancing behind her. "He's not looking so well." She adds with a whisper.

Hux is here..? He hasn't spoken to me since.....well, anyways.

"Yeah, Mom. I know." I respond.

"Is he doing..drugs?"

"Ok, that's enough. Send him up here."

Mom starts back downstairs. "Don't you order me around, Ben Solo!" She calls over her shoulder.

I lay on my bed, closing my eyes.




"Well, look at you."

"Hello, Hux."

I sit up, avoiding eye contact.

"Did you take off your shirt for me?" He asks with mocking smirk.

"Shut up." I reply, leaning down to grab a tee.

He suddenly places his arm in front of my chest, stopping me.

He looks briefly at my eyes, then at my exposed torso.

"What were you doing, wrestling the Wookie?"

His hand touches my bare skin, sending a shiver through my body. His finger trace the burns, and he stands up fully

again, just about an inch shorter than myself.

"No." I say quietly. "I was practicing fighting."

"I see."


"So what?"

"Well, why are you here?"

"Am I not allowed to be?"

"I never said that.." I study his face.

Mom was right.

He looks bad, worse even.

His eyes hold dark bags underneath, and his skin is paler than usual, since he already looks ghostly.

I notice something underneath the collar of his shirt, some purple colouring.


I unbutton the top few buttons of his shirt, and his hands grasp my wrists.

"Ren. Don't. Please."

I search his eyes. I look down at his exposed neck and see what looks like fingerprints on his throat, except they range

from yellow to deep purple.


His eyes water, and he looks away.

"Hux, what happened to you?" I demand, grabbing his arm.

He laughs, a bitter look on his face.

"Ever meet my father, Ren?"

I think back to the times that I had been in his house.

It was dark and rather empty, with no family pictures or anything of sentimental value.

I had never met his parents, and I don't even think they have ever been home when I was over.

"Well," Hux continues after my silence. "first impressions."

He cranes his neck for a better view of the bruises, and he finishes unbuttoning his shirt.

He turns for me to see the multiple scars on his back that look like they are from a belt.

I place a hand on his back, then turn him back around.

I feel terrible, but I imagine it's a worse feeling for him.

"Good kriff, Hux." I say, and pull him into an embrace.

He sobs into my shoulder, and I let him.

I feel bad because I know I am bleeding on him, our bare chests touching, but I don't care.

He pulls away slightly, his arms still around my neck.


"Yeah? What?"

Suddenly his lips are on mine.

I wonder how that happened.




"So what about you and that girl? Rag?'

"Rey," I correct, watching Hux light his cigarette.

"Right. Her." He blows out a puff of smoke.

I have no idea how he can do that while lying down.

"You're getting ashes on the sheets," I point out, leaning past his naked form to brush them off.

He pulls up the blanket closer, looking over at me. "Well?"

"I don't know." I shrug, laying back down on my pillow. "She's mad, and I don't know how to apologize."

"Do something..." He imitates a bomb exploding with his hands. "..different."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Something sappy. Girls like that."

I suddenly get an idea, and a smile spreads on my face.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

After my talk with Hux I decided I would come up with the best apology I could for Rey.
Even though she doesn't seem the type, she really loves fluffy 80's movies.
So last night I gathered up what I needed and went to her house with a boombox (burrowed from Uncle Lando) and I stood under her window playing the Imperial March.
She cam to her window, then came down and hugged me and I said I was sorry.
She forgave me and we are talking again.
Plus, Hux is staying at my house right now, as I don't think he should go home.


Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

There is much talk about some silly dance that is happening at school soon. All the girls keep freaking out, but I don't see the big deal.
I asked Rey if she is going, but she is going to be away for that week on some road trip with Finn and Poe.
Mom thinks I should go, but it's stupid and I don't want to.
Also, we had a sub today, Snoke, and after class he told Hux and myself that he took a shining to us, and to come find him at lunch tomorrow and he will teach us how to make a bong from an apple.
More teachers should strive to be like him.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I have been roped into going to the dance.
Hux is sneaking in a flask, and Phasma has agreed to come too.
She asked me what we should wear, and I informed her I will be wearing a black peacoat and turtleneck.
She rolled her eyes and didn't say anything else.
Also, we decided our band name to be First Order.
Finally, it took long enough.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

We got to the dance and Phasma disappeared with a huge group who sat outside doing who knows what.
Hux kept drinking until I took his flask, afraid he would have an episode.
Our sub Smoke was at the dance, as he was in the shadows 'supervising'.
He gave us each some weird paper that he said would make us 'really happy'.
I didn't understand what he meant, but as soon as we we went outside for some fresh air Hux snatched mine and threw it in a bush.
He said that it was 'shit stuff' that would 'mess me up'.
It's like everyone is speaking code.
Then I felt bad because Hux looked like he wasn't having fun, so in the safety of the outside dark I asked him for a dance.
We could hear the music from outside, so we danced in the moonlight until we decided to go home.
I told dad and mom that it was horrendous and horrible, but it wasn't that bad.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today Dad and Uncle Lando got drunk and Dad 'accidentally' put my helmet in the trash compacter.
Mom tried to hug me to make me feel better but I informed her of the fact that dark knights don't need hugs.
After I went to bed they had a shouting match and so Dad said he will make it up to me by teaching me to fly.
He also said I should 'hang around that Poe Dameron kid, he really knows how to fly'.
Yeah, well Dad, I would too if you kriffing let me!

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary.

So even though I TOLD HIM NOT TO, Dad invited Poe to come over for dinner!
I begged Mom to lock Poe out of the house, but she said that was bad host manners.
So I sat in the dark corner and ate my Darth Vader Aplhagetti's while Dad and Poe talked about different engine types.
Afterwards, Poe PUNCHED me in the arm and said: "Thanks, Benny. We should hang again."
Please, Grandfather. Give me strength.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Poe, Finn, and Rey have gone behind my back and decided to plan a double date, going to some bar called Maz's.
Of course Dad knows her, so I am now in charge of getting Dad to convince Maz to let us come in even though we can't drink yet.
I have to ask tomorrow because he is currently in a heated argument with a giant slug like thing that claims Mom and Dad killed its dad.
I can't imagine either of them doing anything except sitting around watching the news and baking.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

The familiar chords of the Imperial March sound from my phone, and I roll away from my MCR magazine and answer it.

“Kylo Ren, Knight of-”

“It's me, dork.”

Rey's voice is practically sending butterflies from the phone to my stomach.

“Oh, hey.” I say as casually as possible. “What's up?”

“Well, we're waiting for you to respond.” She says almost angrily. Maybe more like annoyed. “Did you talk to your dad?”

Right. How could I have forgotten? They expect me to talk to a sad old man about convincing an old friend to let us into her bar?

“No, I'll do it now.” I sigh and say goodbye, throwing my phone onto my desk.

Making my way downstairs, I listen to make sure mom is still in the kitchen with one of her friends.

Dad is sitting on the couch reading something off a datapad. He struggles with the controls as I stand in front of him.

Just act calm. Tell him what he wants to hear. Don't loose your temper.

“What, Ben?”

I cringe, and force myself not to correct him on my name.

“Hey, Ha- Dad, I was wondering,”

He looks up at me with an eyebrow raised and a displeased look.

“A couple of friends and me were hoping you could talk to Maz about letting us hang out at her bar for a bit. We wouldn't drink, just listen to music and stuff.”

“What about Maz Kanata?” Mom suddenly appears in the doorway, a frown on her face. “Stay away from that weird little woman. She gives me a bad vibe.”

“Hey, hey.” Dad puts up his hands defensively. “She's an old friend, and she's not weird.”

Mom hums, and leans against the frame. “What are you asking?”

I turn to face her, and try to look nice. “I was just asking Dad if me and some friends-”

“Some friends and I,” Mom corrects.
“Some friends and I,” I almost snarl. “Could go and hang out there. It's not a big deal.”

Dad has gone back to the device in his hands, per usual letting Mom deal with me.

“Who else is going?”

“Poe, Finn, and Rey. People you like.”

“Not that Hux, or Phasma?”

'That Hux'. Heh. I'll have to remember to tell him that.

“No, no. Just them, I promise.” I maintain eye contact as she searches my face.

“How will you get there?”

“Poe's flying.”

“When are you going? When you will be back?”

I continue this interrogation for another ten minutes answering Mom's stupid questions. She spends another few thinking and exchanging looks with Dad.

“Ok,” She says finally with a sigh. “But I'm trusting you, Ben.”

I thank her and message Rey to let her know that we are a go.

I change into my new dark skinny jeans, a tunic, and my hood. Because technically it's a date, I decide to not bring my lightsaber.

As I'm putting my Converses on I hear Poe's small ship outside and I slip my wallet in my pocket and leave.

Everyone else is already there, and Finn is laughing hysterically at some stupid thing on his phone. His laugh is about 108 octaves higher than his normal talking voice, which annoys the kriff out of me.

“Hey, Ben- Ky-..Re-..How are you?” Rey offers a smile.

I almost feel bad for the fact that she has no idea what to call me, but I let it slide for now. Maybe I'll bring it up one day.

“Fine.” I say as I sit down. Poe gives me a look, and I force a smile back to her. “And you?'

“I'm great, thank you. Thanks for getting your Dad to talk to Maz, that was nice of you.”

“Yeah, man. Otherwise we would be stuck at Poe's place, which reeks of those stupid candles.” Finn laughs and Poe opens his mouth in surprise.

“I thought you liked the candles!”
“Not when there is 32 of them surrounding us!”

They laugh, and Rey moves over to sit beside me. “You look unhappy. Do you not want to go?” She asks with a small frown.

“No, no. I want to, I'm just not great with social stuff.”

It's not a lie exactly, I do want to go, and I'm not good with social events, but I just wish it were just me and Rey.

“Oh, well, me too. I'm not great with crowds, but the best way to deal with it is to face it head on.”

I shrug, picking at a hangnail. “By the way, have you met Maz?”

Rey shakes her head, smiling. I want to kiss her suddenly, but I know now is not the time.

“Is there something I should know?” She asks, keeping the smile.

“She's well,...interesting. A bit odd. 'Don't stare', as my Dad always says.”

She laughs then, touching my arm gently. “Alright, then. I trust your judgment.”

“Hey, Benny! Rey! We're here!” Poe says cheerfully from the cockpit as he sets down the ship.

We all pile out, and I quickly cringe as memories flood back to me of her planet. It's gross and full of every type of thing you could imagine.

Awful 80's music pours from inside, and we walk up to the door.

The bouncer is some tall, fat creature with goggles and a tube in its nose.

It clicks at me, looking us up and down.

It has a translater attached to its chest, and the robotic voice switches the speech to Basic.

“You are not of age. Get out.”

“Can you get Maz? I'm Han Solo's s-”

“You are not of age. Leave before I do something bad.”

“Ben Solo? Is that your voice I hear?”

I look behind the bouncer to see Maz standing holding a bottle of something that's almost as big as her.

“Hello, Maz.” I sigh.

We push past into the bar and try to ignore the smell that is too odd to place. She's had the bar probably since dinosaurs were around, and it is always flooded with people. Everyone loves her weird aesthetic that she has going on with it, for some insane reason.

“Ben, I have not seen you since you were the same height as me.” She laughs, gesturing for us to follow. “I spoke to your father earlier, he told me to keep and eye on you.”

We sit at the booth she leads us to, and I nod at the three behind me.

“Maz, this is Poe, Finn, and Rey.”

Maz smirks, looking between me and Rey. “Date?”

Of course she knows. How would she not know? It's like she has sixth sense.

“Actually, we're on a double date.” Finn slips his arm into Poe's and they slide into one side of the booth, and Rey and I sit across.

“Ahh.” She winks at me and I want to crawl under the table and die. “Well, I got stuff to do.”

I watch as she walks away and I rake my fingers through my hair.

Rey looks at me and smiles. “She's nice.”

“A little too nice for me taste.” I mumble, and Poe's eyes suddenly widen.

“Is that a jukebox?!”

I look to where he's pointing and see, yes, a jukebox.

“Does anyone have some credits?” Rey asks, looking slightly embarrassed that she doesn't.

Finn pulls some out from his jacket and him and Poe run over to the music player.

The song stops, and suddenly 'Jet Boy Jet Girl' by Elton Motello starts to play.

I roll my eyes and Rey laughs beside me. We watch Poe drag Finn onto open floor and they start to dance.

'We made it on a ballroom blitz
I took his arm and kissed his lips
He looked at me with such a smile
My face turned red
We booked a room into the Ritz'

Poe is yelling out the lyrics as they come, with Finn blushing like mad beside him.


“Poe!” Rey covers her mouth while trying not to grin. “Do you want to dance?” Her eyes meet mine. Eager eyes, and I don't want to upset her, but..

“I can't dance.” I say.

“Anyone can dance, it's just moving your body.”

“Ok, but I look stupid doing it.”

“So do I.” She stands, offering a hand. “I thought you were the big macho man. Be a man and dance with me to awful 80's music.”

With a silent sigh, I take her small hand in mine and we go to where the other two are giggling and dancing.

We are causing a scene, since there is no actual dance floor at the bar, just a small open area where there is no tables.

I twirl Rey and she has a deep red covering her cheeks.


'And if or when I make it through
Or if my brain is stuck on glue
And when the world tries to forget
all that I've said
I'll still remember you
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo
You gave me head'

The song eventually ends and we all sit back down, panting.

I remind myself to add 'dancing in Maz's bar' on my top ten list of most horrific things done in the history of the Dark Side.

“Let's play something.” Finn looks up from his phone.

“Like what?” Rey asks.

He grins, and I can only assume what's next. “I got this Truth or Dare app on my phone, and it's really awesome.”

“Sure! Sounds cool.” Poe nods, and Rey looks at me. “Is that ok?” She smiles.

They all stare for a moment, and I shrug. “Sure.”

“Rad! Ok, so is everyone alright with tonight having no limits?” Again, he grins, and Poe mirrors it. “I'll start it then.”



He clicks a button, and smiles. “Rey first. Truth or Dare?”

“I'll start with truth.”

Finn giggles as he reads the question. “What is the worst sexual experience you’ve ever had?”

“Well, none.” She shrugs. “I've never..I mean, well,...I'm still”

Her ears red, she grabs the phone. “My turn. Finn.”


“What is your 'sweet spot'?”

I'm not even being asked and I can feel my face burning. I can only imagine what the dares are. Who makes up these games?

I don't pay attention to the answer, but then everyone's looking at me.


“Truth or Dare, Benny?” Poe asks.

“Dare- I mean truth.”

“Already said dare..” Poe smiles, looking at the screen. He suddenly snorts, looking at me. “Give the person on your right a hickey anywhere you want.”

I look at Rey, who is on my right.

We both blush, and I gently pick up her hand. I put her wrist to my mouth and suck gently, looking her in the eyes. For a moment I forget that Poe and Finn are there as she parts her lips slightly to gasp deeply.

I pull away and reveal the small red mark and her inner wrist.


We both turn and look at the others, who are watching with wide eyes.

“That was hot.” Poe chuckles.

I look down at the table, avoiding looking at anybody, but Poe slides the phone to me. “Your turn.”

“Umm, Finn.”

“Dare, especially after that.” He laughs as I click 'Dare'.


I read what it says but not out loud. I would loose all dignity if I did. Instead I just pass the phone back to Finn. His eyes widen as he reads it for me.

“Make your partner cum using only your hands..” He looks at Poe who is smirking like an idiot.

Poe stands up and takes Finn's hand. “Well, we'll be in the bathroom then.”

“Oh, good lord.” I mumble as Rey laughs. She turns to look at me. “Do you have credits? We could go pick a song.”

I nod, pulling out my wallet. We walk up to the jukebox and I give her the money.

“Don't look!” She giggles as she selects a song. It starts to play, and at first I can't place it, but then I get it.

“It's the one from that movie you like, Say Anything.”

“Yeah, this is the actual song he plays while holding up the boombox, not the Imperial March.”

I shrug, and look around. Some people have cleared out, there's some Twi'leks having a dry hump threesome on a couch in the corner, a guy passed out on a table, and some others quietly talking at the bar.

“Do you want to dance?”

She nods, and I rest my hands on her waist. She can't reach my neck very well, so she settles for putting hers on my chest.

I step on her feet a few times accidentally, as it's hard when you have canoes for feet, and twice we accidentally rocked in opposite directions.

“I told you I couldn't dance.” I whisper.

“I think you're great.” She whispers back.

“Oh my god, Finn! I think the old Empire could hear you coming with how loud you were!” Poe stumbles out of the bathroom, Finn close behind.

Rey quickly lets go of me, turning around with a blush. “We didn't hear anything.”

“Too busy?” Poe asks with a wink as he tucks his shirt back in. I roll my eyes, refusing to be brought down by this moron.

“Well, I'm not blaming you.” He continues. “I think it's great. I mean, you've Ben Solo too long.”

He starts hysterically laughing with Finn wheezing beside him, and even Rey laughs.

“Don't take it personally, Benny,” He wipes away a tear. “I'm still working on their names.” He gestures to Finn and Rey.

“Ah.” I offer a sarcastic smile. I look at the clock on the wall and nearly die of a heart attack. “Oh, hey. I need to be home. My mom's gonna kill me.”

We gather our stuff and head onto the ship, where Finn goes to sit with Poe in the cockpit.

In the back Rey sits beside me and rests her head on my arm, and takes my hand.

I smile to myself, hoping Grandfather can see me right now.

They drop me off first, and Rey walks me out.

“Thanks for coming tonight.” She says, shivering against the cold.

Feeling very confident, I take off my hood, lean down and put it around her shoulders, and kiss her.

Rey's lips are soft and warm, and I feel her smile against me. I pull away, trying to hide my blush.

“Goodnight, Rey.” I turn around and go into the house, feeling like an idiot because of how big my grin is.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

We had band practice for the first time in awhile.
Phasma is getting really good at her drum solo, plus she has leather jackets made for us that say 'First Order' on the back.
Hux refuses to wear his, but he took it home anyways.
The 'First Order' is coming along nicely, if I do say so myself.
I haven't told Hux yet about what happened between me and Rey, I'm waiting for the right moment.
We are hanging out in town tomorrow, so that's probably when I'll tell him.
I'm not sure why I'm worried, we never labeled ourselves as anything, and he even helped me figure out how to apologize to Rey, so...
Either way, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Today did not go as planned.
It started off ok, I picked up Hux and we went to Starbucks for coffee.
I even ignored the fact that my cup said 'I forgot what you told me to write, Carl something?' instead of my name.
Then I suggested we go to the park because I needed to tell him something, and as we were walking, he suddenly froze and practically pressed his face up against the window of the store next to us.
I asked him what he was looking at, and I went to look too, and saw a small, orange cat in the window of the pet shop.
He insisted on us going inside, so I reluctantly followed, and he spent 20 minutes playing with the cat, decided to buy her and literally every cat-related item in the store, and made me carry it all back to his house.
Hux has decided to name her Millicent, which he explained means 'Strength', and spent the rest of the afternoon showing her around his mansion.
I didn't end up telling him.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

"Ben! There's someone at the door for you!"

I frown and try to think if Rey said she was coming over today. I don't think so, but I go downstairs.

Hux is standing in the door way, nervously biting his lip and twitching his fingers.

Something is wrong, I can tell quickly by his facial expression. He looks ready to burst into tears, and he sees me on the staircase.


"Come here," I say, looking around to see if my mom is here. She isn't, so I hold out my hand and he takes it, walking back to my room with me.

I close the door behind him, and he starts stuttering.

"I, ummm, my parents,,they, they-"

I've never seen him this worked up, and the tears are starting to well in his eyes. He stops as his lips tremble, and I notice there is a bit of dried blood under his nose.

"Did someone punch you?" I ask, tilting his face up to get a better look.

He nods and laughs sarcastically. "My dad, Ren. My dad punched me."

I hug him then, as if a hug can protect him from abuse. As if me alone can stop his father from hurting him anymore.

It's in these secret moments with Hux that I know he feels safe, that he can tell the truth and drop his usual persona of being a heartless machine.

Hux pulls away from me, stroking my cheek. He leans forward and kisses me. He tastes slightly of blood, but it's so faint I may be imagining it.

I feel his hands under my shirt on my chest; they're freezing.

Suddenly I grab his wrists, startling him. He looks at me with a frown. "What?"

"Wait, Hux, there's something I meant to tell you yesterday." I let go of his wrists, watching his expression change to confused. "Well, I kinda have a thing with Rey now, see, we kissed and I-"

"You what?" He has a mocking tone. "You 'kinda have a thing'? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Well, I don't know if we are dating but- wait, why are you angry?"

"Angry?" Hux yells, pacing away from me. "Why would you do that?"

"Do what? Hux, we were never..anything real, it was just for fun! A stupid fuck to make us feel better!"

I'm worried Mom can hear us, but I think asking him to quiet down would be a horrible idea.

"You even helped me figure out a way to make Rey like me again-" I add.

"That was because you were so fucking love struck-"

"I can't believe how you're being about this! It's not like you wanted to date me or anything,-"

"But I was yours!" He yells, and I stop. Tears are pouring down his cheeks as he stands panting. "And you were mine. I would have done anything for you, Ren. Anything. For some fucking reason," He laughs. "I actually liked you. It was more than just a fuck, at least to me."

I feel awful, and I want to hug him again. But I listen.

Hux wipes away his tears, but more come anyways. "Do you know why, I came here? Do you, Ren? Because my father is sending me to his academy for a few months. To 'smarten me up'. I came to say goodbye. I'm leaving in two days."

"Hux," I step forward, extending an arm.

"No, fuck you!" He spits, swallowing hard. "You have no idea what it's like! You act like you have some horrible life, that you're so hard done by, while you don't realize what you have. Parents who actually like you. My mother doesn't speak to me, and my father beats me. They're never home, I take care of everything myself. While you get to sit here playing house, I'm already an adult. And I wasn't given a choice. So fuck you, Ren. Go date whoever, live your perfect life where everything is done for you, and I'll see you in a couple of months."

He yanks my door open and storms down the stairs. I quickly follow, chasing after him.

"Hux, wait! I'm sorry, I didn't mean.."

He ignores me as he walks out the house and down the street. I can't stop the tears that are leaking, and I turn to see my parents in the doorway.

"Wait, you're a homo with carrot top?" Dad asks with a confused frown.

Mom punches him in the arm and I ignore them as I shove past and run upstairs to my room.

"Ben, Ben, honey-"

I turn on my music as loud as it can go, and shove my face in my pillow.

I could go for a drink right about now.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I told Rey about everything.
From the first time that Hux's lips touched mine to the argument that happened yesterday.
She took it surprisingly well, and listening to me blabbing on.
We had a along talk about it, and she tried to make me feel better, but I still feel like crap.
Rey asked if I wanted to put 'us' on hold, but I said no. She suggested that we should go to this club that just opened up, so I'm going tomorrow night.
It's called an air bar, but I'm not sure what that means.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Dairy,

Today Uncle Lando came over and played Pictionary, which already was very awkward because Mom and Dad haven't said anything yet about me and Hux, but I got paired up with Lando.
He is the worst.
I was drawing my helmet, and he kept saying: "Dead aardvark, dead aardvark!"
I'm getting ready to leave now to go with Rey to the air bar, and I told Mom I was going to her house.
I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Hello, readers!

This is a warning about the next chapter.

I will be changing the rating on the fic, and I don't want any hate please on what is going to transpire in the next chapter.

But if it makes you feel better, things are going to lighten up!

Also, I'm sorry for less entries and more longer chapters, but I need to do so to give it more plot.

Anyhoo, I will be updating again soon, so sit tight and don't hate me!


Chapter Text

I put down my diary, tucking into its secret spot under my mattress.

My Darth-Vader-breathing-text-tone sounds, and I check my phone.


Rey <3: Hey, I'm on my way.

Me: Ok, sounds good. Poe is ok with us using his new ship after what happened when we sank the old one?

Rey <3: You mean, 'when you sank it' ;)

Me: Yeah, whatever.

Rey <3: You don't have to go, by the way, if you don't want to.

Me: No, I do. I need something to help me feel better.

Rey <3: Alright then. See you soon :)


I sigh, shoving my phone back in my pocket. I feel awful, knowing that Hux will be leaving tomorrow morning.

One part of me says to call him, or go to his house to say goodbye, the other says to let him leave, and maybe he'll be better when he comes back...

What am I thinking? He won't be better, the academy will ruin him.

My heart sinks as I imagine a robot coming back instead of the Hux I know.

I hear the ship outside and as quietly as I can try to leave without running into my parents. Of course, they are both downstairs waiting for me.

“Ben, darling, if you're lying about seeing Rey so you can see Hux, you don't have to. You are allowed to see him, just use protection-”

“Yeah,” Dad butts in. “We are fine with having a homo for a-”

Mom jabs her elbow into his gut, and he grunts in pain.

“-having a gay son. We are fine with you being gay. You don't need Rey to be your beard.”

Having enough of this I scoff and laugh. “Oh my god, guys, I'm not gay, and Rey isn't my beard. Rey and I are dating, and she's literally right there outside.”


“But what about Hux, dear? Although I don't care for him, after that argument..” Mom frowns slightly, but her face is still soft.

I understand they are just trying to be nice and understand what's going on. But I wish they wouldn't corner me, literally.

“Oh my- Ok, I'm not gay, I, I don't know what I am. Bisexual, I guess? I don't know. It was meant to be a one time thing, guys. But I don't have to explain myself to you. Listen, Rey's waiting, I got to go.”

I squeeze past and kiss Mom's cheek. “I'm sorry.”

Outside, Rey is leaning against the ship and squinting in the sunlight. “What took you so long?”

“Sorry.” I kiss her forehead. “My parents were being stupid.”

“Huh.” She shrugs, climbing in. “I think they're nicer than you give them credit for.”

We fly mostly in comfortable silence, I watch the stars outside. “So what's an air bar? I forgot to ask.”

Rey laughs, as if I should already know. “It's a club where they release a gas into the air that makes you high. It's supposed to be really fun.”

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

“Nah,” She grins. “It will be fun! Dancing, getting high off of gas, drinking,..being with me..” She nudges my arms playfully, and I smile and take her hand.

“I guess being with you will make it better.”

She lands the ship, and pulls out something from her pants. “Fake IDs.” She smiles. “Poe got them for us.”

I read mine.

'Benjamin Chewbacca Amidala-Skywalker-Organa-Solo, Age 24'

“That's not my name.” I point out. “That's not even close to my birth name.”

Rey laughs, showing me hers. “He said he didn't know what to put down. I mean, look at mine!”

'Rey Dessert Kenobi, Age 22'

“He spelled 'desert' wrong!” She adds with another cackle.

We show the bouncer our IDs, which he eyes oddly, but I'm sure he's seen worse names.

As we walk in, the heat hits us like a wall.

It smells like booze, sex, and sweat, and the mass of dancing bodies is almost claustrophobic.

A hissing sound comes from the ceiling, and everybody cheers. The smell of something sweet hits my nose, and I feel a little dizzy.

“Whoa,” Rey shouts over the music. “That was weird.”

“Yeah,” I agree, grabbing her hand so not to lose her in the crowd.

The bass thumps through the floor and I can feel it vibrating against my body.


She turns and looks at me, smiling. 'Yeah?”

“I want to..forget. I want to just not care tonight. Tonight, nothing matters.”

Her smile grows, and she pulls me closer to her, onto the dance floor.

Flesh on flesh, her body moves against mine.

Another few hisses from the ceiling send the crowd whooping and my head spinning more.

Rey looks amazing; sweat on her forehead, her muscled stomach showing under her flowing crop top, her hands above her head and her huge grin.

It's so hot, and the gas is having an amazing effect.

I let loose, letting my body move against hers, rubbing my hands up and down her sides. Her hands touch my chest and my arms, and she leans up and kisses me hard.

Her fingers are tangled in my hair, and my hands are in the small of her back. She tastes amazing, and my tongue explores hers.

We pull out of the crowd, and I sit her beside a couple making out on a couch.

“I'll be right back!” I yell, trying to keep my footing as I make my way to the bar.

I order a bottle of vodka, which costs me almost all my credits. Suddenly I see someone out of the corner of my eye, and at first I think it's a hallucination from the gas.


When he turns to look at me, I realize that he is in fact solid, and not just in my mind.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, stepping up to him.

He has a few empty glasses of various sizes in front of him. He doesn't answer at first, then smirks.


“I came to get laid, Ren. As a goodbye present to myself.”

The bartender walks over and collects the empty glasses. She has a mask on, presumably to keep from getting high off the gas.

“He's been here for the past three nights, drinking himself away.” Her voice is muffled, through the device on her face.

“No luck yet.” Hux scoffs. “Nobody is as hot as you, Ren.”

I know he's drunk and obviously mocking me. I try not to let it get to my head, which is fuzzy and hot.

“I'm sorry!” I yell.

He turns and looks up at me, then kisses me. The taste of strong alcohol seeps into my mouth, and I almost pull away, because this doesn't feel right, but I don't.

He palms my dick, and I moan against his mouth.

“Be- Kylo!”

I turn and see Rey standing there with her mouth gaped open. I look between Hux, who has a big stupid grin, and Rey, who at first looks angry and hurt, but then mirrors Hux's expression.

She then strides past me, and Hux, clearly having the same idea as her, stands up to meet her half way.

Me, too stupid and high to move, watch as Hux's hands are on her hips and hers on his face, and then their lips meet.

I'm completely dumbfounded as they continue to make out right in front of me. A voice in the back of my head tells me it's the gas, the alcohol, the feeling of arousal that causing us to do this, but I don't want it to stop.

They pull away from one another, then Rey turns to me. “Get your jaw off the ground.” She laughs, kissing my neck and then taking my hand.

She gestures to Hux to follow, and leads us back to a hallway full of doors.

I know what awaits behind these doors.

Opening one that's not locked, Rey pulls me inside and kisses me again, not minding my whimper when she bites into my lip.

Honestly, I'm really quite impressed with her sudden confidence, I certainly never took her to be more into leading a risque situation.

Yet, here we are.

I can feel Hux's teeth on my neck, but my eyes feel too heavy and glazed to keep them open.

We move to the bed that's in the room, and I notice that Hux was wearing his 'First Order' jacket as he slips it off and crawls towards me.

He pulls of my shirt, which is slick with sweat, and leans down to kiss my chest.

Rey kicks off her shoes and takes off her pants. She kisses me again, and I can feel Hux opening up my jeans.

“Ren, why are you wearing such horridly tight pants?” He asks suddenly, stopping Rey and I.

I shrug. “The true question is, would Darth Vader like them?”

“Oh my god.” Hux rolls his eyes. “I'm not sucking your dick after you just said that.”

Rey laughs, moving towards him and helping him out of his shirt.

He does the same to her, then leans over to suck one of her breasts. I feel almost jealous, he's getting farther with her than I ever have.

Granted, we've only been officially dating a few days.

I coax Rey away from him, bringing her back to me.

She's glorious and toned, and her skin is a lovely tan colour.

Hux finally gets my jeans off, after struggling for a few moments while cursing under his breath.

She moves to sit on my face, which is a new feeling. She tastes sweet, and I grasp her thighs to keep her steady.

Hux is suddenly in me, to my surprise, as he didn't give me any warning.

I moan louder than intended, and I can hear Hux and Rey kissing.

The feeling that is running through me is euphoria and ecstasy; the high, Hux's member, Rey's womanhood, knowing that what I'm doing is odd and somewhat wrong.

I try not to think about what it will be like in the morning.

Rey suddenly clenches against my mouth, and through a series of loud gasps and moans, in which I hear my name and Hux's, she climaxes, and falls beside me.

He continues to go at me, keeping eye contact as his fingernails bite into the flesh of my legs and chest.

Rey kisses my and cleans me with her mouth as my orgasm comes quickly after Hux's.

He falls on top of me, panting hard.

My eyes are so heavy and my head feels like it might fall off and roll across the floor. I giggle at the thought, then let sleep take over.



Hux gets up quietly, not wanting to disturb Rey or Ren from their slumber.

Amongst the clothes he manages to find his pants, shirt, and jacket, then puts them on.

His head is swimming, plus he was supposed to meet his father over an hour ago, as it is 7:36 now.

Knowing this will result in either physical or verbal abuse, he honestly doesn't care. His father can fuck off, and Hux will be honest about why he was late.

He smiles at the thought of this encounter.

“Sorry I'm late, Father. I was high and drunk at a bar last night and fucked Kylo Ren and his girlfriend, and I was too hungover to remember to get up at 5:30 so I could meet you at 6:00.”

If that's what he has to tell Brendol Hux, so be it.

Hux walks over to the bed, looking at how peaceful Ren looks with his arm draped lazily over Rey's exposed back.

He feels like he should leave something, a note, maybe?

There's no paper, so he pulls out his phone and types a message. He hits send, hearing the stupid breath text tone from wherever Ren's phone is in the room.

He kisses Ren's head and leaves, quietly shutting the door behind him.


I squint as I wake up, seeing the bright pink light above us.

It takes me a moment to recall where we are, but I slowly remember the events of last night.

Sighing, I reach over the side of the bed and pick up my phone to check the time.

There's an unread message, and I open it.

–-7:39 AM--

Hux: Thank you, you're the best goodbye present I could have gotten.

Hux: I'll try to write often.

Hux: And thank Rag, or what ever her name is ;)

Hux: See you in four months.

Chapter Text

Hello, readers!

So as I also have a Wattpad account (my other stories are horrible and need to die), I have decided I am also going to post TDOEKR (The Diary of Emo Kylo Ren) on there.

I absolutely suck at making book covers, and was wondering if anyone would be interested in making one for me? :D

It could be like a photo shop type thing, or fanart..maybe?

Nothing would make me happier than if someone wanted to help, and if there is more than one, a little competition never hurt anybody!

Anyhoo, please comment if you are interested, and if this turns out to be a competition, then I shall discuss further details in the next update :)


Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

So Rey eventually woke up, and she was not pleased when I told her what transpired last night.
She is glad that Hux and I made up though.
Mostly she's embarrassed about how she had 'acted in bed', but I think she was acting just fine.
Mom threw a fit when I stumbled into the house in the afternoon covered in bites and bruises, and cursed with a hangover.
I told them the truth about what happened, so I'm grounded from going out right now.
But it was worth it.


Kylo Ren :)

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I asked my mother if I could paint my room black.
She said if I took classes with Uncle Luke she would allow it.
I was disgusted at the idea, but she said that Luke had asked if both me AND Rey would join the class.
I am considering it, but I don't need to be trained in combat.
I am excellent by myself.
And isn't Luke like 108 years old? How is he still doing combat?

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I got my first letter from Hux today.
He said that the academy is easier than he thought, and that he even sort of became friends with some guy named 'Mitaka'.
Sounds like a dork's name.
I also talked to Rey about taking training with my uncle, and she said 'sure'.
So I guess we will be going after all.
I swear I will knock that old man on his ass.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Rey and I went to Luke's stupid thing.
We just sat in the wind and meditated, and when I complained it was too cold on his stupid little island he told me to stop being pretentious and put on a coat, and that training wasn't meant to be done in a Ghost Town muscle shirt.
Screw him.
Now that I'm home, I think I caught a cold.
And on the day I got my new helmet in the mail (after Dad's 'accident')!

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

So I have in fact caught a cold.
I can't stop sneezing into my new mask, but on the bright side, my breathing is very deep and sounds just like Grandfather.
Also, for aesthetic, I took the ashes from the fire place and put them on my old drawing table as a display table for my mask.
Mom said I was getting ashes all over the carpets, and Dad said I was being stupid.
They don't appreciate aesthetics.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

I wanted to stay in bed curled up in my fuzzy blanket, but I had to get up and be a dark knight.
I also researched some ways that my granier fructis won't be wasted on damaged hair, so I found that putting the top of your hair in little braids will keep it from damaging.
Because why spend like 60 credits a week on shampoo and conditioner if your hair will get ruined from horrible helmet hair?
I had to have Rey help me with the braids though.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Dad took me to get cough syrup today for my cold because after sneezing so much, I also started coughing.
I wonder how Grandpa dealt with his colds.
While we were buying the medicine, the lady asked me if I wanted grape flavor or strawberry.
I have never been so publicly embarrassed.


I chose grape, of course.

Kylo Ren

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

Poe is coming over this weekend for a sleepover.
I did not plan this, Mom did.
She says I should have more friends than 'Rey, the tall blonde, and that Hux'.
I told her I have lots more friends than that.
Like Grandpa.
He's my friend.

Kylo Ren