Sharing quarters with Jim was something I had never anticipated.
I must alter that statement.
Until the very recent events, that is.
When our captain was brought back to life, I was initially still involved with Nyota. And despite my growing affection for Jim, I had believed then that my relationship with Nyota would continue.
I underestimated the pull of my feelings and the connection I felt to Jim. I have been taught for my entire life that regrets are illogical and I believe that to be true. And yet, I do feel regret for my inability to recognize my deeper affection for Jim sooner to refrain from unnecessary hurt to both Jim and Nyota.
I had never fully lived with anyone since my childhood on Vulcan. During my relationship with Nyota, though we’d spend nights together often, we never established a living arrangement that included both of us.
Upon immediate occupation of our quarters on the Enterprise, repairs having been done after the damage done with our battle with Khan, I could tell that there was going to be a period of adjustment for both me and the captain.
We had made sure to log the seriousness of our relationship with Starfleet prior to the commencement of our five-year mission. There was some initial push back amongst the admiralty but Jim pushed right back at them with his usual finesse and only a short time later we had undergone a very brief marriage ceremony performed by Admiral Hawkins.
It had been kept a secret from all who knew us, our crew and friends, because it had occurred so quickly. It was Doctor McCoy who first discovered it as we arrived for duty.
“This list of quarters indicates you and Spock are in the same ones.”
“Does it?” Jim asked, sounding more bored than surprised.
Which had caused the doctor to glance over from the list he’d been perusing. “As far as I know the captain and the first officer are not forced to share quarters.”
Nyota stood with us and she frowned. “Must be a mistake.”
I opened my mouth to clarify matters but Jim beat me to it.
“Actually, there’s no mistake.”
“Spock and I are sharing as a married couple.”
“Jim, if they find out you aren’t—”
Jim sighed. “We are. Admiral Hawkins married us.”
McCoy stared at him. “When?”
“A while back. Does it matter? In order to share, we had to get married, so we did.”
“All this so you and Spock could share a bed? Jim—”
But Jim walked away down the corridor and the doctor followed after him, leaving only me and Nyota standing there.
“Congratulations,” she said, softly.
“I…had intended to advise you.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations, Spock. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to be there.”
“I feel that I do,” I admitted. “It was as Jim stated. In order to share quarters we needed to have an official marriage, not just the Vulcan bond. Admiral Hawkins insisted.” I shifted awkwardly. “Jim has nightmares and I did not wish to be parted from him during those times.”
She smiled slightly but it was strained. “Truly, you don’t need to explain. I was aware that it was probably going to happen someday. And now I really need to go find my own quarters. I only hope my stuff actually made it there.”
I opened my mouth to say…something, but she had already turned and walked away, and I wasn’t really sure what I would say anyway.
I caught up to Jim later as I entered what was to be our shared quarters.
The space was larger than both the captain’s and the first officer’s quarters had been before and we had our own bathroom, not to share with any other cabin.
The bed was larger too, made for two occupants rather than the bunk made for one.
“You can use that wardrobe there.” Jim pointed to one on the left side of the suite of rooms. “I’ll use the right. And the alcove there, you can use that for meditation, if you would like.”
I had been in Jim’s quarters before, on the Enterprise, prior to all this, and while he was not exactly a slob, he was not as fastidious as me. Already he had slung a bag onto the bed with very little care or order.
“Doctor McCoy is not pleased with our wedded state.”
“I don’t much care what he thinks.”
“You care a little.”
He leaned against the desk in the room, just the hint of his buttocks against the desktop, his long legs stretched out before him. His arms were crossed.
“Very little.” He gave me just a hint of his smile but he was pensive and quiet for the most part. This was all new and a bit off-putting for him, too, I suspected. “Bones will deal. He always does.”
“He’s concerned for you.”
“Nah, I think he’s more concerned for you. Hopes you know what you’re getting into. I told him you did, so you’d better stick to that story,” he said it with a widening smile, so I would know he was making light of it.
I found myself approaching him by the desk, standing before him, more relaxed than if we did not have the intimate relationship we had, but not entirely at ease either. I was never quite sure what to make of Jim when he was like this, this mood.
“I do not regret our marriage or our bond,” I assured him.
“Good. Because neither do I.”
“I’ll worry about placating Bones, all right? I know how to handle him and his concerns. What about Uhura?”
“What about Nyota?”
“She seemed pretty intense back there.”
“I believe she was taken by surprise.”
“I’m sure. Things still okay between you?”
I inclined my head. “I believe it will be. She expressed that she recognized that we would likely eventually marry.”
“Just not that fast?”
Jim made a little face that was somewhere between a grimace and a smile, but couldn’t decide which one. “Come here.”
I went closer to him and he dug his hands into the waistband of my pants, pulling me even closer to him.
“To me it’s not that fast. I guess because, well,--”
“You have loved me for so long.”
“Yeah. But I need to know the truth, Spock. Did I pressure you into this with my theatrics in front of Hawkins?”
“That outcome was always inevitable between us.”
He tilted his head back, eyeing me, almost a hard glint in those blue eyes, but not quite. “Not exactly a denial, Spock.”
“I have loved you as long, ashayam. You are part of me. Whether we combined ourselves then or in a year or even a year earlier, it matters not. Only the fact that we are combined for all time matters.”
His eyes crinkled in the corners. “That’s a better answer, anyway.” He looked around our rooms, past me and then back to me. “I’ll probably drive you crazy.”
“Not perhaps. I will.”
“Likely I will do the same for you.”
He full on grinned then and it was welcome. “Guaranteed, Mister Spock. Guaranteed.” He pulled me down into a kiss and then released me to straighten away from the desk. “Bridge, Mister Spock? Have to see these improvements.”