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Long Distance Family Relationships

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[Text Transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: Hi.
James: How do you already have this number?
Clint: Eerie, isn’t it? It’s like I’m in your head.
James: Or you bribed someone at SHIELD for the intel.
Clint: That too.

[Text Transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: I’m bored.
James: I’m working.
Clint: Me too.
James: Then focus on your job.
Clint: But my target isn’t here yet.
James: You’re a terrible agent.
Clint: You’re a terrible brother.
James: Brat.
Clint: Ass.

[Text Transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: Natasha says hi.
James: Are you having sex with her?
Clint: Why would you ask that?
James: I just wonder why she’d still be talking to you, otherwise.
Clint: You’re a dick.
James: Tell her I say hello.
Clint: Tell her yourself. Dick.
James: Brat.

[Text Transcript]
[James, Natasha]
James: Hello.
Natasha: Hello, James.
James: He’s still a brat.
Natasha: But he’s our brat.
James: Indeed.
Natasha: Has he told you about his little crush yet?
James: His what?
Natasha: This is going to be fun.

[Call Transcript]
[James -> Clint]
Clint: Hello?
James: What’s this I hear about you having a crush?
Clint: [pause] My what now? Who told you that?
James: A good agent never reveals his sources.
Clint: I mean, who would- [pause] Oh. Oh, that bitch.
James: For us being twins, it did take you long enough to grow up.
Clint: Bite me.
James: [chuckles]
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, James]
James: So what’s his name?
Clint: Drop it.
James: Is he cute?
Clint: I hate you.
James: A nice arse?
Clint: You’re a terrible person.
James: blue eyes? You’ve always had a weakness.
Clint: And I hope you die.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, James]
James: I’ll be unreachable for a while.
Clint: How long is a while?
James: However long it takes.
Clint: Okay. Stay safe and kill bad guys and stuff.
James: You’re such a child.
James: And tell your boyfriend I said hi.
Clint: Plucky.
James: Wanker.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: Call me.

[Call Transcript]
[Dialing...]
[Voicemail (James)]
Clint: James, call me when you get this.
[Call disconnects]

[Call Transcript]
[Dialing...]
Operator: The number you are dialing has been dis-
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
Natasha: I just heard.
Clint: They’re saying he’s dead. That can’t be true, right?
Clint: He’s too stubborn to die.
Natasha: I’ll call you when I’m done babysitting Stark.

[Call transcript]
[Clint, Natasha]
Natasha: So what do you know?
Clint: He was on an op. Something about a disc. I don’t know. They’re saying he was shot.
Natasha: Who is saying?
Clint: Coulson did some digging for me. The official MI-6 report is a load of shit. “Died saving lives” is what they said to me. Who do they think they’re fooling?
Natasha: Calm down.
Clint: I am calm, dammit!
Natasha: Clint.
Clint: [long pause] Sorry. It’s just... Nat, he’s the only family I’ve got.
Natasha: I know. Did they find the body?
Clint: No... no, I don’t think so.
Natasha: Then have some faith.
Clint: I’ve never been big on faith.
Natasha: [pause] I’ll be back soon.
Clint: Okay.
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Clint: Any news?
Phil: None.
Clint: Keep me up to date?
Phil: Focus, Barton.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Clint: Any news?
Phil: No.
Clint: Alright.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Clint: Any news?

[Call transcript]
[Phil -> Clint]
Phil: I would tell you if there was anything you needed to know, Barton.
Clint: Sorry, sir, it’s just that... [silence]
Phil: [softly] I know.
Clint: Phil, what if-?
Phil: I’ll be here either way, Clint.
Clint: [pause] Right. Thank you, sir.
Phil: Back to work.
Clint: [chuckle] Sir, yes sir.
[Call disconnects]

[Call transcript]
[Phil -> Clint]
Phil: Barton.
Clint: Hey, boss.
Phil: [pause] MI-6 has called off their search. They’re listing him as MIA, presumed dead.
Clint: [silence]
Phil: Clint-
Clint: [clears throat] Thanks for letting me know.
Phil: [pause] Of course.
Clint: Talk to you later, Coulson.
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Natasha]
Clint: I think James is dead.
Natasha: I’m sorry.
Clint: Me too.

____________________________

[Call transcript]
[??? -> Clint]
Clint: Hello?
[silence]
Clint: Seriously, who is this?
[silence]
Clint: [rambling] I swear to god if HYDRA or AIM or whatever managed to get my number I’m going to be severely pi-
???: It’s me.
Clint: [long pause] Prove it.
???: You named your first bow Mittens.
Clint: Holy shit.
???: Yeah.
Clint: James.
James: Yeah.
Clint: [long pause] Where the fuck have you been, you goddamned son of a bitch?
James: Clint-
Clint: Were you on an op?
James: Clint...
Clint: Were you. on. an op?
James: [pause, sigh] No.
Clint: Then where the hell have you been for the past six months?!
James: [pause] I wanted out.
Clint: [silence]
James: Clint?
Clint: Why? What happened?
James: I was... [pause] I was compromised. [bitter laughter]
Clint: Why come back?
James: [pause] Living on the beach constantly shit faced isn’t as much fun as it sounds.
Clint: [surprised laughter]
James: I just... [falls silent]
[long silence]
Clint: So, guess what?
James: What?
Clint: Norse gods exist.
James: [snort] Oh, really?
Clint: Yeah. Except they’re not really gods. Apparently they’re aliens.
James: Oh, well, as long as that’s clear.
Clint: [laughs] Right?
James: [laughs]
[silence]
James: I’m sorry.
Clint: I know. I get it.
James: [sighs] I just wanted to call because... I might be having to go off the grid again.
Clint: This have to do with the bombing at MI-6 HQ?
James: Yeah.
Clint: [pause] If you die again I will personally come and kill you. I’ll go all Ghostbusters, Exorcism on your ass.
James: [snort] Alright.
Clint: James?
James: What?
Clint: I’m really glad you’re not dead.
James: [chuckle] Me too.
Clint: Oh, and remember that, uh... crush I had?
James: What about it?
Clint: His name’s Phil. He’s actually my handler. And it’s... it’s kind of a thing now.
James: [long pause] What of yours is he handling, exactly?
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil, Natasha]
Clint: My brother is a prick and I hate him and a bunch of other means things and you should both hate him with me.
Natasha: Not dead then?
Phil: I’ve never even met your brother.
Natasha: You’d like him, Phil. He’s a lot like you and much cuter than Clint.
Phil: I’m looking forward to it.
Clint: You can both go to hell.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: Good luck.
James: Thanks.
Clint: And remember: exorcism.
James: And Ghostbusters. Yes.
Clint: And I bet I can even get R&D to make ectoplasmic arrows or something.
James: Goodbye, Clint.
Clint: Bye. :D

[Call transcript]
[Clint -> Phil]
Clint: Is it true?
Phil: Is what true, agent Barton?
Clint: Captain Sparkle Pants is actually alive?
Phil: [silence]
Clint: This doesn’t mean you’re gonna cheat on me, does it? I’m not the sharing type.
Phil: [long pause] If I were to ever consider being unfaithful, it would be with your brother.
Clint: Oh, that is so not cool.
[Call disconnects]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Natasha]
Clint: My boyfriend is going to cheat on me with either a 90 year old or my brother.
Natasha: So he’s developing taste?
Clint: What did I do to deserve this?

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Clint: Just remember. I give you head.
Phil: Noted.

[Call transcript]
[James -> Clint]
Clint: Y-ello?
James: It’s me.
Clint: [cheerily] Oh, hey. Back from your super secret mission?
James: Nope, looks like it’s going to take a bit longer than I thought.
Clint: Bummer. Why are you calling then? Big risk, isn’t it?
[silence]
Clint: James?
James: Not sure if I’m coming back.
Clint: [pause] Do you need me?
James: [chuckle] No. Just wanted you to know. I’m going... home for a bit.
Clint: Home? [pause] That home?
James: Yeah.
Clint: [long pause] Okay.
James: Okay.
Clint: I don’t know what you’re into, but you better not die. I was serious before. And if you do die you had better at least take whoever it is with you.
James: [chuckles] I pomise. [pause] You won’t be able to reach me on this number again.
Clint: Good luck.
[Call disconnects]

[Call transcript]
[Clint -> Phil]
Clint: I need you to do me a favor.
Phil: What kind of favor?
Clint: Keep an eye on my old house.
Phil: [pause] Skyfall?
Clint: Yeah. My brother is about to do something stupid, I think.
Phil: It must run in the family.
Clint: Har har.
[Call disconnects]

____________________________

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Phil: Your house exploded.
Clint: God dammit. He alive?
Phil: Unknown.
Clint: God dammit. He’s such an asshole.
Phil: Pot, kettle.
Clint: Just tell me if I need to go rescue him.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Phil]
Phil: He’s alive.
Clint: He’s such an asshole.
Phil: So I’ve heard.
Clint: He have a new phone yet?
Phil: [redacted]

[Text transcript]
[Clint, Natasha]
Clint: He is such an asshole.
Natasha: But he’s our asshole.
Clint: ...ha.
Natasha: I may have to kill you.

[Text transcript]
[Clint, James]
Clint: Call me when you’re not such an asshole.

____________________________

[Call transcript]
[James -> Clint]
James: It’s me.
Clint: [huffs] Took you long enough.
James: Been busy.
Clint: You blew up the house.
James: Yes, I did. I never liked it. You’d already sold it anyway.
Clint: [pause] You okay?
James: [long pause] Not everyone came back.
Clint: I’m sorry.
James: So am I.
Clint: But you’re actually okay? Not about to snap and go on a murderous rampage?
James: I will be.
Clint: You’ll be going on a murderous rampage?
James: [sighs] Clint...
Clint: Cause I’m just saying, if I need to come out there to make sure you don’t blow up another building, I will.
James: [pause] Everything’s fine. Just a lot that still needs to be done.
Clint: Being a secret agent sucks.
James: [chuckle] We love it.
Clint: Yeah, I guess we do.
James: I’ll talk to you later.
Clint: Sounds good. And James?
James: Hm?
Clint: [pause] I love you.
James: [long pause] Love you too.
Clint: Prick.
James: Little shit.