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an aspiring novelist with a crippling addiction to gay alien porn

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turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkat
TG: i found your crabtop scuttling around the labs like a creeper
TG: it nearly made me shit my goddamn jammies
TG: bumping into a dude when hes fuck deep in some epic beats and you also happen to be a semi sentient bugtop thing is not cool
CG: THANK FUCK FOR THAT. THE DAMN THING WANDERS OFF IF I FORGET TO PUT IT TO SLEEP PROPERLY.
CG: I WAS WORRIED IT HAD FALLEN DOWN SOME STAIRS OR SOMETHING.
TG: i see what you did there karkat
TG: i warned you about trying to goad me into predictable jokes bro
TG: i told you dog
CG: ANYWAY, CAN YOU BRING IT BACK TO MY RESPITEBLOCK? THE BUTTON TO RETRACT THE LEGS IS ON THE BACK.
TG: karkat are you telling me to push your button
TG: dude ill caress that button into next week
TG: the button will ache for my sweet touch for sweeps after i disappear into the night whispering softly
TG: *our love can never be for we are from two different worlds*
CG: ARE YOU DONE?
CG: I’M SICK OF TYPING ON THIS SHITTY PALMHUSK.
CG: INTERACTING WITH YOU IS MUCH LESS SATISFYING WHEN I CAN’T HAMMER A KEYBOARD INTO SUBMISSION.
TG: youre no fun anymore man
TG: anyways speaking of hammering things into submission
TG: you totally left this thing unlocked before it took its afternoon constitutional
CG: STRIDER, THERE IS NOTHING IN MY FILES THAT COULD POSSIBLY INTEREST YOU, SO GET YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN CARTILAGE NUB AND STICKY LITTLE TREEBEAST FRONDLETS OUT OF THERE.
TG: oh i beg to differ
TG: and im not the only one begging dude
TG: this novel youve been writing is some pretty kinky shit
CG: FUCK YOU, IT’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL TROLL ROMANCE, AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU COULD POSSIBLY APPRECIATE EVEN A TINY PERCENTAGE OF ITS BRILLIANCE.
TG: “erantz felt poyuze’s gaze upon him and thrilled at the attention. to most, this dance was a tedious expression of highblooded privilege, but to erantz, it was his chance to catch his master’s eye. this was his night, and he knew he made a foodslave’s outfit look every bit as ravishing as any royal robes. a little subtle tailoring had ensured that the whole room would spend the evening with their eyes glued to him, but there was only one he aimed to enrapture.”
TG: seriously vantas you have some kind of status kink dontcha
TG: all like im a lowblood slave lookit my ass
CG: THIS IS GOLD QUALITY PROSE AND YOU KNOW IT,
CG: AND THE CHARACTER IS NOT SOME SHODDY SELF INSERT, YOU IGNORANT NOOKSNIFFER.
CG: THESE CHARACTERS HAVE MORE DEPTH THAN YOU DO BEHIND THOSE MORONIC SHADES, AND THEY DON’T EVEN EXIST.
TG: thats cool man whatever youre into
TG: im a pretty big deal karkat im surprised you havent been throwing yourself at me
TG: offended even
CG: OH, PLEASE.
CG: YOU ARE THE SMALLEST DEAL ON THIS METEOR, DAVE.
CG: EVEN THE MAYOR HAS SOME SEMBLANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY, IF ONLY OVER A BUNCH OF INANIMATE CAN PEOPLE.
CG: YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IS MAKING SURE WE HAVE SOMEONE TO CALIBRATE THE ASSHOLE-METER AGAINST.
CG: OTHERWISE THERE’S A DANGER WE MIGHT ACTUALLY START TO THINK VRISKA IS A DECENT PERSON.
TG: wow not sure who got burned worse there
TG: i think serket but its close
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME.
TG: anyway
TG: “poyuze took the delicacy between two claws, careful that his strength did not cause him to crush the fragile sugar shell. his eyes met erantz’s as he took a bite, his fangs flashing wickedly. leaning toward his young servant, poyuze whispered softly into his ear: hey babe you want a piece of this hott shit cause im offering my bulge on a plate here.”
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY EDITING MY WORK I WILL END YOU.
CG: FUCKING. END. YOU.
CG: GOD TIER POWERS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOUR LIMBS HAVE BEEN SCATTERED STRATEGICALLY ACROSS THE METEOR.
CG: GOOD LUCK COMING BACK TO LIFE WHEN YOUR HEAD IS IN A SEPARATE FUCKING TIMEZONE FROM YOUR BODY, DOUCHELORD.
TG: nah man im just messing with you
TG: its not bad tbh
CG: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW. I’M A MOTHERFUCKING LITERARY GENIUS.
TG: i mean its cliché as fuck but at least its well written
TG: its kinda like every single yaoi in the hidden folder on roses laptop plotwise
CG: DO YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF PRIVACY, STRIDER?
CG: STOP SNOOPING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE’S COMPUTING DEVICES, BECAUSE I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT FOLDER OF SELFIES ON YOUR STUPID PHONE.
CG: THE ONE I COPIED TO USE FOR LEVERAGE.
CG: I’M SURE TEREZI WOULD BE VERY ENTERTAINED BY YOUR ARRAY OF STOIC DOUCHEBAG POSES.
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE ONE OF YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AND A SOMBRERO.
TG: now whos a privacy hypocrite vantas
TG: you didnt tell me you were tony hawk bro
TG: cause that was a sicknasty 180
CG: I BELIEVE THE HUMAN WORD IS “CHECKMATE”, FUCKFACE.
CG: DON’T LEAVE YOUR PHONE LYING AROUND IF YOU DON’T WANT ME INDULGING MY COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE CURIOSITY ABOUT YOUR ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
TG: fair enough
TG: but only because i know for a fact youve been tugging one out to my sensual duckface pics
CG: THE NUMBER OF ‘FACTS’ YOU KNOW WOULD FIT ON ONE SIDE OF AN ADHESIVE NOTIFICATION SQUARE.
TG: we all know youre stricurious karkat
TG: now thats what i call totally understandable curiosity
CG: I’M CURIOUS AS TO WHY YOU’RE SPINNING OUT ‘hey karkat I found your husktop’ INTO A MAMMOTH BABBLEFEST AT MY EXPENSE.
CG: FEELING ATTENTION STARVED ARE WE, STRIDER?
TG: maybe
TG: i seriously havent seen anyone for like three days
TG: is there some kind of snarky broads anonymous meeting happening that we werent invited to
CG: FUCK IF I KNOW.
CG: BEST TO LET THEM GET ON WITH THAT HORSESHIT. I’D RATHER HAVE MY ENTRAILS PULLED OUT THROUGH MY SEEDFLAP WITH A RUSTY SICKLE THAN SIT AND LISTEN TO VRISKA FELLATE HER OWN EGO.
TG: true dat
TG: hey how much more of this thing are you going to write
CG: IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FINISHED, AS YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU’D BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY READ IT.
TG: could i like
TG: help with it maybe
CG: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD THERE BE FOR ME TO LET YOU HELP? AS IF YOU EVEN *COULD* HELP, WE BOTH KNOW YOU TURN YOUR NOSE UP INTO THE STRATOSPHERE AT ANY SIGN OF HIGH-QUALITY ROMANTIC LITERATURE.
TG: im so bored man
TG: plus ive got a unique alien perspective
CG: I DON’T NEED AN ALIEN PERSPECTIVE, STRIDER.
CG: IT’S A NOVEL ABOUT TROLLS, SET ON ALTERINA, FOR TROLLS TO READ.
CG: NOT NOSY HUMANS WHO WOULDN’T KNOW A DECENT PLOTLINE IF IT SMACKED THEM OVER THE HEAD.
TG: aww cmon karkat
TG: just let me proofread it or something
TG: seriously dude im gonna become one with my bed soon if i dont have an excuse to get up every day
TG: plus its way more interesting reading something you wrote as opposed to random troll mills and boon shit
CG: I’LL PASS, THANKS.
CG: I’LL ADMIT THAT YOU MAKE A SUPREMELY UNCONVINCING ARGUMENT, HOWEVER.
TG: are you sure man
TG: ive found like fifteen typos already and you really need to get a thesaurus
TG: there are other adjectives out there besides ‘smoldering’ and ‘heaving’
TG: just a heads up
CG: UGH, FINE.
CG: I GRACIOUSLY PERMIT YOU TO CORRECT THE SPELLING ERRORS FOR ME.
CG: I TRUST THAT WON’T BE BEYOND YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN INTELLIGENCE?
TG: nah dude
TG: i can handle correcting pubic to public
TG: seriously karkat fucking phrasing theres like three of those
CG: WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND AMUSING ABOUT MISSING OUT THE ‘L’ IN PUBLIC?
TG: ill tell you when youre older

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]