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Dispatches from the Tactical and Reconnaissance Uniform Beta-test Lab (Or, The Adventures of Pam, Seamstress to Superheroes! [And Frank, the Intern])

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"Agent McQueen!"

"Sir?"

"Where is my super suit?!"

"Director, sir, you know we don't like it when you call your coat your 'super suit'."

"Where - is - my - super - suit?!"

"Sir, we prefer 'kit' or 'uniform'. 'Super suit' is just too much."

"You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!"

"No sir, we're talking about this agency's penchant for hyperbole."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Agent Coulson called, his suit was singed."

"What did Phil do?! You could soak that suit it molten iron and it wouldn't be singed."

"He said it was an alien death robot ma'am."

"Alien?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Death robot?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Parsons did not train me for this."

"No, ma'am."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Ms. Potts called about Mr. Stark's request. She said to ignore anything he asked for. She was fairly insistent."

"I would imagine so."

"She said that a plain black skinsuit for under his armor would be acceptable, preferably made from some sort of anti-microbial wicking fabric. She also said that any suggestions he may have had about color, fit, decoration, or material were made while he was under the effects of alcohol and iridium poisoning."

"Yes, that could explain it."

"Explain what?"

"The request for a hotrod red, leather singlet, with gold flame details and 'I am the rock god of the universe' emblazoned in sequins across the back."

"It would have been unique."

"Yes, and hard to lose."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Director Fury called, he'd like to discuss a redesign of Agent Barton's uniform."

"Excellent."

"He suggested black."

"What a surprise."

"He said that loin cloths, masks with horns, and the color magenta should be avoided at all costs."

"Good, good."

"He also suggested adding sleeves."

"Would you put a t-shirt on the Discus Thrower? A hoodie on David? No! If you learn nothing else here Frank, learn this: It is the role – no – the duty of an artist to bring beauty to the universe. I cannot cover up Agent Barton's arms and still call myself an artist. I simply cannot. "

"I'll let the director know."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Agent Coulson on the line; he wants to talk to you about Captain Rogers' uniform."

"Oh bother. Take a message and add it to the pile of other 'thoughts' he's decided to share on that particular project."

---

"LADY PAM!"

"Yes, Thor?"

"WHAT IS THIS FABRIC?! IT IS MARVELOUS!"

"Silk."

"WHAT IS SILK?"

"It's fabric made from the cocoon of the silk worm."

"IT IS MADE FROM WURMS? ON MY WORLD WURMS BREATH FIRE! DO SILK WURMS BREATH FIRE? YOU ARE VERY BRAVE TO HARVEST THE WURMS FOR THIS FABRIC!"

"Yes, I'm the bravest little seamstress in the whole wide world."

"I WILL TELL STORIES OF YOUR COURAGE IN ASGARD AND MAKE A GIFT OF YOUR WURM FABRIC TO MY MOTHER!"

"Thank you Thor."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Agent Romanov called, she wants to know what the bird head thing on the inside of her collar is."

"Tell her to ask Agent Barton. Or any resident of the state of Iowa."

"Okay."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes"

"Agent Romanov called back, she says if you tell anyone, they'll never find all your pieces."

"Right."

"Tell them what?"

"Figure it out for yourself, noob."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have an Edna Mode on the line for you."

"Really? Put her through."

"Hello darling! I have seen the news footage and you need help."

"I – what? – I need help?"

"The Hulk, he needs new pants."

"Well yes, it's on the list."

"I can't possibly do this, I am too busy. Quick, ask before I become sane!"

"Huh?"

"You push too hard, darling! But I accept!"

"What?"

"They will be bold! Dramatic!"

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm seeing purple, to accent the radiant green of his skin, and non-abrasive, four-way stretch of course. Those ripped up shorts are just –feh!- unacceptable!"

"…"

"They will be in the mail tomorrow. Call me later darling, I enjoy our visits!"

"Frank, please let Dr. Banner know that a package will be coming for him and that I am in no way responsible for the contents."

"Yes ma'am."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Mr. Stark for you; he'd like to discuss Captain Rogers' uniform."

"No."

---

"Frank?"

"Yes ma'am?"

"Do you have Agent Barton's vest?"

"It's still on the form, ma'am."

"Excellent, I'm going to do some detail stitching on the inside pocket."

"Oh? What are you adding?"

"A little red hourglass."

"To remind him of his own mortality? That time is fleeting for all mortals and that he should gather his rosebuds while he can? That in this world of death and despair, the only bright spots are those we make for ourselves?"

"I think you need to go to the medbay, it seems the hyperbole is catching."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Captain Rogers' for you; he would like to discuss Mr. Stark's uniform."

"Put him through."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have a Miss Chiefmaker on the line for you; she'd like to discuss Captain Rogers' uniform."

"Tell Loki I don't have time to deal with him right now."

---

"Agent McQueen!"

"Yes, sir?"

"There has been a request that you stop referring to your intern as your minion and encouraging him to 'let his evil shine'. It's scaring the other departments."

"Yes, sir."

"Also, we're the good guys."

"Yes, sir."

"Honestly, you're scaring me a little bit."

"Yes, sir."

"Carry on."

---

"Frank?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"It's make it work time."

---

"LADY PAM!"

"Yes Thor?"

"WHY DO I NOT HAVE SLEEVES? THE MAN OF IRON HAS SLEEVES?"

"I'm an artist."

"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND."

"That's okay."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Agent Hill called. She says that while she appreciates the sentiment, Captain Rogers' uniform looks silly without sleeves."

"I will maintain my artistic integrity. If sleeves must be added, you do it."

"Yes, ma'am."

---

"Frank?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"While I applaud the effort, I think that's enough rhinestones. We don't want people confusing Director Fury with a disco ball, it's just not cricket."

"Yes ma'am."

---

"Ma'am, your order from Mood has arrived"

"Excellent, call Ms. Mode and let her know I'm ready whenever she is."

"For what?"

"Thirty days, thirteen looks, sketch to runway, mano-a-mano, two designers go in, one comes out."

"I'll let medbay know to expect casualties."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have the secretary from the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants on the line for you."

"We shall call them Team Hyperbole. What do they want?"

"She regrets to inform you that Magneto cannot help you."

"Damn."

"She also says he did not appreciate your request."

"If I had super magnet powers, that's what I'd do. What greater service is there to perform for all mankind than to find all the pins?!"

---

"Frank?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Why does Thor's new uniform have no pants?"

"I too am an artist?"

"No."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have a Mr. Logan on the line for you."

"Excellent, put him through."

"Is this Pam?"

"It is."

"No blue, no yellow, no horns, and I don't want to have to wear a dance belt just to go out in public."

"Yes sir."

---

"Frank?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Have you seen my Ghingers?"

"No, ma'am."

"My Fiskers?"

"No, ma'am."

"Those cheap-ass scissors I bought at Wal-Mart?"

"No, ma'am."

"Frank, has Mr. Stark been through the lab recently?"

"I think I saw him earlier."

"JARVIS, please pull up Mr. Stark's measurements and shorten the rise by, oh, let's say, an inch and a half."

---

"HULK SMASH!"

"No."

"RAAAARGGH!"

"Hulk may pin and cut if he wishes, otherwise he may get out of my lab."

"HULK PIN?"

"Yes, the pincushions are over by Frank's station. I don't think we have a wristlet that will fit you so you'll want a magnet."

"HULK PIN!"

"Good man."

---

"Director?"

"Yes, Agent Hill?"

"Sir, engineering is reporting a twenty-percent drop-off in power. They're saying output is fine, it's just getting drained too fast for the generators to keep up."

"Get Stark up here."

"Sir, he's in Malibu. Sir, engineering is saying it's something on aft deck three."

"Oh hell. Get me Pam."

"Yes sir."

---

"Agent McQueen!"

"Yes, Director?"

"What the hell did you do to my mess?!"

"Runway finale sir, I won."

"You won what?"

"Ms. Mode and I, sir, we had a contest. Thirteen looks each, judged by some of the leading lights of international fashion. I won sir. I have defended the honor of SHIELD."

"You held a motherfucking runway show on my motherfucking helicarrier?"

"Yes sir."

"It looks like WW IV in there!"

"We didn't expect the Hulk to be so interested in evening wear."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Agent Barton on the line. He'd like to discuss the appropriate use of pyrotechnics as regards his uniform."

"I stand by my decision – he's the Man on Fire!"

---

NEW RULES FOR THE TACTICAL AND RECONNAISSANCE UNIFORM BETA-TEST LAB

From the Office of the Director

-SHIELD does not have a war cry. Staff of TRUBL will therefore refrain from screaming "Sew or Die" before fitting sessions.

-Senior Agent Pam shall not use a palanquin to travel around the helicarrier.

-Abrupt adjustments to an Agent's measurements are not acceptable punishments for imagined slights.

-For the purpose of these Rules, consultants shall have the same protections as full Agents.

-Interns are people too.

-Nothing should be included in an Agent's uniform without the prior approval of said agent. This includes, but is not limited to: speakers, pyrotechnics, unauthorized robotic enhancements, any experimental material resulting from contact with extraterrestrial life, any experimental material resulting from contact with Mr. Stark, armored plating, weapons, and squeaky toys.

-Senior Agents of TRUBL will not lead interns in raiding parties on other departments.

-If Mr. Stark calls it a good idea, it isn't.

-While SHIELD has an open policy towards religion, Senior Agents of TRUBL are not permitted solicit other labs' interns to be sacrificed to the design gods. Thor assures me no such gods exist.

-Senior Agent Pam does not have a PhD in Horribleness. No such degree is offered by any accredited institution in this reality.

---

"Agent McQueen!"

"Yes, director?"

"What was that blue and yellow lycra catsuit in my cabin this morning?"

"Sorry, I must have sent is to the wrong Cyclops."

"Thin ice."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Director Fury on the line. He says we can have a mascot, but we'll need to pick a new one – the voodoo doll is scaring people."

"Damn that man."

---

"LADY PAM!"

"Yes, Thor?"

"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU SOME WURM HIDES FROM ASGARD FOR YOUR SILK MAKING!"

"Thor, how would you like some dragon-hide hot pants?

"WHAT ARE HOT PANTS?"

"Manly, very manly and customarily worn by only the bravest warriors."

"THEN YES, I WILL HAVE THE HOT PANTS!"

"Excellent…"

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Director Fury's office on the line, the Director would like to know what happened to his clothes."

"The council had decided, it is time to cut off his Padawan braid and take up the robes of a Jedi Knight."

"The Director's office says he'd like his clothes back, the robes are impractical."

"Tell him I'll make a new set in black."

"They say he'll think about it."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"I have Mr. Stark on the line. He says he's very sorry and you can have your scissors back. He also asks if you could please fix his pants."

"Fine."

---

"Agent McQueen!"

"Yes, Director?"

"Your request for additional training at the Eureka facility has been denied."

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir."

"The Council doesn't think you need the encouragement."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Why does Cyclops' new uniform have a red shirt?"

"Wishful thinking."

---

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"What's in this bag?"

"Some suit coats Phil wanted mended."

"But ma'am, Director Fury said Agent Coulson died."

"And Director Fury never lies."

---

"LADY PAM!"

"Yes Thor?"

"I WOULD HAVE YOU MAKE ME MORE HOT PANTS, MY LADY JANE FINDS THEM PLEASING TO HER SIGHT."

"Happy to help, your thunderness."